Qass 
Book 



THE 



DIALOGUES OF DEVILS, 



ON THE 



tIANY VICES WHICH ABOUND IN THE CIVIL AND RELIGI 
OUS WORLD. 



BY THE 

■7 

REV. JOHN MACGOWAN, V. D. M. 

LATE MINISTER OF THE GOSPEL, DEVONSHIRE SQUARE, LONDON. 




PHILADELPHIA: 
ALEXANDER TOWAR, 

BOOK-BUILDINGS, ST. JAMES STREET. 
1836. 




7079 



INTRODUCTION. 



Nothing can he more various and opposite than the 
opinions of mankind, respecting the influence and agency 
of infernal spirits. Some continually throw the blame of 
their vices upon the poor devil. Take their word for it, and 
they are upon all occasions the innocent dupes to his subtilty 
and malice. They represent him as the prime agent in all 
their complicated schemes of wickedness ; and would fain 
persuade us that, so far from being the objects of our just 
aversion, they deserve all our commiseration and pity. From 
such representations one would be tempted to think, that if 
malicious and busy devils did but stay in their own country, 
mankind would be as harmless as lambs, and every species 
of wickedness be soon banished from our then agreeable 
world. 

Others there be, who fall into the opposite extreme, and 
with all their power endeavor to clear the devil of the slan- 
ders thrown upon him. Whether he hath retained them as his 
advocates I pretend not to say : but they tell you that he has 
no hand in all the v^^ickedness committed under the sun ; that 
it is impossible he should have any influence on the minds 
and manners of men. Nay, some go farther still, even doubt 
of his very existence, and are confident that all their v/ick- 
edness ariseth from another quarter. 

My mind, I must confess, was long agitated between these 
widely difterent opinions : now I verged towards the one, 
now towards the other extreme ; and for a long time con- 
tinued m such painful suspense, that I would have given a 
world to have been satisfied in a matter of such vast import- 
ance in human life. But at length I obtained a full and 
most convincing discovery of this very intricate affair, and 



iv INTRODUCTION. 

let who will deny it, I am perfectly satisfied that, however 
justly the guilt of men may be charged on their own cor- 
ruptions, infernal spirits do exist ; and are fully employed in 
forwarding their wicked designs and purposes. Yea, I have 
learned so much of the art and address of diabolical spirits 
in this matter, that as I shall , I trust, avail myself much of 
the very singular discovery, so, from a principle of benevo- 
lence to mankind, I think myself fully justified, without 
further apology, in communicating it to the public. 

Know then, that not far from my humble cot, there is a 
widely extended, most tremendous, and gloomy Vale, first 
formed, as is supposed, by some dreadful earthquake, or some 
other remarkable convulsion in nature. The confines of this 
valley, on the outside, are everywhere nearly level with the 
surface of the ground ; but the precipice within is to the last 
degree horrible, insomuch that few have had fortitude enough 
to approach it. The ancient bards very justly called it 
Horrid A Vallis, and we, from them, the Vale of Horrors. 
This horrid vale has long been supposed, by the credulous 
vulgar, to be the haunt of infernal spirits ; and some people 
imagine that it is the onl}^ place on earth where they freely 
converse about the dark designs of their mal-administration. 

My curiosity continually prompting me, at last conquered 
my native timidity, and I resolved, if possible, to find an en- 
trance into this unfrequented, unknown, and dreadful place. 

But many months, I may say some years, were spent in 
this fruitless search, and I despaired of success. At length, 
however, having entered a very large and unfrequented 
wood, one side of which led to the very edge of the preci- 
pice, as I walked a few furlongs down a gradual descent, 
gloomy beyond whatever I had seen before, I came to a 
huge rock, all overgrown with ivy and moss. It had the 
appearance of an ancient ruin, somewhat in the form of a 
pyramid ; the bottom occupied a considerable space, and the 
spiral top was hardly concealed by the highest branches of 



INTRODUCTION^. V 
the tall and aged oaks, which surrounded it. Near the 
ground, by chance, I discovered an opening, almost choked 
up with baleful hemlock and nightshade. At first I thought 
that this could be no other than the cave of some ancient 
Druid ; but approaching it, and having, with much toil, 
cleared away the noxious weeds, I found what I had long 
sought for, an entrance into the dreadful cavity. 

Here my resolution almost failed me,, and I was at the 
point of relinquishing the long projected enterprise. At 
length I recollected myself a little, and resolved to descend 
into the place, though, as I thought, not much less Horrible 
than hell. The passage, a little within the entrance, led 
downwards almost in a perpendicular direction : but its strait- 
ness, and the natural unevenness of the rocks that formed 
it, rendered my descent more practicable and safe than I at 
first expected. Dovvm, however, I v.^ent, fathoms I know 
not how many, ere I found myself at the bottom, and from 
an easy opening entered the Gloomy Vale. 

Looking up, I saw rocks upon rocks projecting over my 
timorous head ; and I perceived myself to be within the most 
hideous inclosure that sure ever mortal eyes beheld. 

The vale being solitary and gloomy as death itself, I said 
in my heart. Surely if damned spirits are permitted to visit 
the earth, this m^ust be their rendezvous, and two to one I 
shall see some of them. I therefore observed carefully my 
retreat, and by several marks on the rocks which formed it, 
I hoped that, on any emergency, I might be directed to the 
entrance of the cave, by which alone I could return to the 
society of mortals. 

I soon found that my precautions were far fi'om being un- 
necessary ; for I saw, by the feeble light, vvhich glimmered 
in the place, a form most frightful, making directly towards 
me. My heart bounded in my breast with terror ; and swifl 
as a hare, pressed by sanguine hounds, I ran to my little 
sanctuary. No sooner had I entered it, but tlie fiend stalked 
A2 



Vi INTRODUCTION-. 

up to the very door of it. The hair of my head stood up- 
right, the hlood ran down my back as cold as Greenland ice, 
and I looked on myself as a dead man ; having often heard 
of miserable v^retches being torn in pieces by the talons of 
merciless infernals. Bat, as the hideous form attempted not 
to penetrate into the cave, nor seemed at all conscious of 
my being there, I recovered myself a little, and reviewed it 
with less apprehension of danger. At length he espied 
another of his clan, to whom he called, and with whom he 
held the following dialogue, which made such an impression 
on my mind, that I afterwards recollected the most part of 
it ; and here present it to the worthy reader. The name of 
this devi], as I afterwards understood, was Avaro, and that 
of the other Fastosus. 



DIALOGUES OF DEVILS. 



DIALOGUE I. 

FASTOSUS AND AVARO. 

AvARo. So ho ! Fastosus, whither so fast at this time of 
the morning ] Be not in such a hurry : but let a kindred 
devil exchange a few words with you. Pray, how do you 
do, uncle ?- 

Fastosus. Hah ! my nephew Avaro ! I little thought of 
iinding you in the vale at present. But I am glad to see 
you. Pray, how do you do 1 

Avaro. I thank you, sir, I am pretty well; only tired with 
much exercisa But pray v/here were you going in such 
a hurry ] When I called to you, you seemed to outfly the 
wind ! 

Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, I should not be willing to dis- 
cover my concerns to every inquirer; but I condescend to 
make free with you, on account of our near kindred ; and 
knowing you to be a true son of Beelzebub, I can trust you 
with any secret. As for my present hurry, the occasion of 
it is this, The right honorable Madame de la Ccquette hav- 
ing an inclination to a suit, of some fashion never before 
invented, was thrown into a violent fever, through the dull- 
ness of the mantua-makers, who could devise no cut suita- 
ble to her ladyship's desire. Finding her life to be in danger, 
unless she was gratified, I was last night dispatched to hell, to 
procure a new pattern from the best artists there ; and having 
got it, I was going post to France, to assist my lady's man- 
tua-maker in cutting and finishing it: which done, I suppose 
I shall have a trip to London, to accommodate the countess 
of Prudeland with a suit against the next court-day. 

Avaro. What I the courtly Fastosus become mantua- 
ijjnaker! I should never have thought of such an employ- 
r«ent, for my part. You have now descended low, indeed, 
uncle ! 

Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, your ignorance almost pro- 



8 



DIALOGUES 



yokes me to be angry with you. Bat you need not be so 
much surprised at my concerns with the mantua-makers ; 
for I assure you I am so much admired for my skill in dress, 
by both sexes of the human race, that there is scarcely a 
suit of clothes made, either for man or woman, without my 
direction. Nor shall you find a peruke-maker hardy enough 
to venture a wig on the block, ere he has had my opinion 
of it. In short, cousin, there is very little done, and in 
dress there is nothing done, in high life or low, but I have 
a hand in it. 

AvARO. If I have offended my honored uncle, I humbly 
beg your pardon. I assure you, I said nothing out of dis- 
respect to you. We all know that your spirit is princely, 
your monarchy great, and your dom.inion very extensive. 
But indeed I never thought of your being conversant with 
tailors, barbers, and mantua-m^akers. 

Fastosus. Nay, nephew, I am not angry. Nevertheless, 
you ought to revere me as your elder and better, and not 
take upon you to call in question the truth of what I say. 
As for the barbers, they are a set of transformists established 
wholly by my dexterity ; and but for my sovereignty over man, 
these transformations had never been introduced. Now the 
transforming trade goes on so successfully, that there is rea- 
son to hope very many will be at last transformied into the 
likeness and nature of our sable fraternity. 

AvARO. Pray, uncle, be not angry with me, if I do not 
speak altogether a,s you would have me ; for you know I 
never had any inclination to learning or politeness ; and I 
cannot help expressing my wonder at some things you say. 
Besides, I am amazed to see you look so thin ; why you 
look like a skeleton ! What have you been doing, or where 
have you been 1 By your looks, you might have travelled 
barefooted to the holy land, or crept on your hands and feet 
to Medina, and wept forty days by the tomb of our dear 
friend Mahomet. You have not been on pilgrimage, sure ! 

Fastosus. I thought, from what I had said, you might 
have known that I have not been on pilgrimage very lately ; 
though I assure you, I have often travelled to Jerusalem and 
to Mecca as a guide to those holy pilgrims. There is not 
one of all the bare-legged travellers, who will stir their foot 
from home, until their good friend Fastosus is equipped in 
palmerian habiliments, to press forward in tlie van as their 



or DEVILS. 



9 



protector. Nor are these pilgrims my only vassals ; for the 
superstitious, of all denominations, have with one consent 
devoted themselves to me. 

AvARO. Well, but, uncle, I am sure they worship me 
with sincere regard, as well as they do you ; and I either 
attend them in person, or poor my influences upon every one 
of them, in all their religious journeys to Jerusalem, Mecca, 
or elsewhere. 

Fastosus. It may be so, Avaro ; but their prostitution to 
covetousness hinders not their devotion to pride ; for I have 
conducted many of this fraternity to the supposed sepulchre 
of Jesus of Nazareth, who, in their own opinion, were made 
so holy thereby, that when they returned to their native 
country, they thought the earth itself unworthy to bear the 
pressure of a foot, which had trod the threshold of the adored 
sepulchre. These religious adventurers, (especially if they 
obtain some precious relics, of which there are great store 
in Palestine) generally lift them so far above their fellow 
creatures that thenceforward they can hold no intercourse 
with the common people, lest their supposed spotless gar- 
ments should be polluted with worldly filthiness. Nor is 
it uncommon for these fantastical devotees to imagine, that 
by their journeys to Judea they have gained considerably 
above the price of heaven. So that when they come to die, 
they have holiness sufficient for themselves, and a handsome 
legacy to bequeath, as an help-out to some poor brother, 
who loves home better than the holy land. 

Avaro. Ay, Fastosus ; but then you may thank my bro- 
ther FalazX and me for your Jerusalem journeys : none of 
them would have been instituted but through falsehood, de- 
ceit, and covetousness. And I really think that we did ex- 
cellent service to the great Beelzebub and the sublime porte 
of hell, in imposing that cheat upon mankind. Though, by 
the way, one would wonder that the reasonable mind should 
be so easily deceived, seeing there is nothing in any of these 
pilgrimages, that has so much as the appearance of reli- 
gion. 

Often have I laughed in my sleeve to see the poor pil- 
grims, with holy awe and profound reverence, approach a 
log of rotten wood, fully believing it to be part of the cross 
on which Immanuel was crucified. Oh ! how have I seen 
them congratulate themselves on their supposed happiness, 



10 



DIALOGUES 



if by any means they had procured a diminutive chip of an 
old gate-post, from the hand of a venerable priest, with his 
holy word upon it, that it was part of the cross ! And, to 
speak the truth, which you know I am not very fond of, 
these reverend gentlemen have words and wood equally 
plenty ; for when one log is sold ofi; they immediately re- 
place it with another ; so that this market will not stop for 
want of merchandise, whilst there is a tree left in the forest ■ 
of Lebanon. I w^ould not, on any account, that the world 
should know that the traffic in relics is all a cheat, by the 
help whereof my dear children, the Jerusalem priests, get 
more money for chips of rotten wood, than the greatest 
merchant in Norway gets for his masts, and yards, &c. 

Fastosus. By w^hat you say, and I owm it to be right, 
cousin, you and I must share the persons and divide the 
spoil betwixt us, on the day of reckoning. You and cousin ~ 
Falax have laid the snare very craftily, and I, by my haughty 
influences, drive the fools to it. Good Avaro, your game 
would not go well v^ithout my assistance ; and while you 
and I continue to play into each other's hand, w^e can readily 
bring the two fools to meet, each deceiving and being de- 
ceived. I mean, we can bring the covetous fool and the 
credulous fool together. The credulous deceives the covet- 
ous fool with his money, and the covetous deceives the 
credulous fool v/ith his rotten wood. Dear Avaro, our vv^ork 
goes forward apace, and w^e shall have them both at last. 

Avaro. No doubt of it, Fastosus ; for both the covetous 
and over-credulous are ours, by common consent. Our 
game could not well go better than it doth at present ; for 
all ranks and degrees of people are subjected to our potent 
swdij. No doubt but you have heard of that noble piece 
of architecture called the Triple-Crown, which I and my 
brother Falax made for our v/orthy friend and stedfast ally 
the pope of Rome. 

Fastosus. Heard of it ! Surely I have. Was not I the 
principal person concerned in the work ] But, Avaro, you 
have an ugly way of denying people the due honors of their 
labor. . But for me, his Holmess w^ould never have thought 
of silch an invention. And as I had the principal hand in 
it, I aver, that the best mathematician in hell could not have 
invented a more excellent piece. I ha.ve thought, ever since, 
that the artful Falax acted liis part v^ith as mjich dexterity, 



. OF DSVILS. 11 

in the formation of that capital ornament as, when he and 
we assisted our venerable friend, Mahomet, in composing* 
the Alcoran. But the chief beauty of it was, to see our 
hoary friend, the pope, with greater confidence than if he 
had been one of ourselves, exalt the papal chair above all 
that is called God. So that now, in the sense of the Romish 
impostor, saving- and damning depend no longer on the jus- 
tice and mercy of the Eternal, but upon the will and plea- 
sure of him who fills the infallible chair. 

Were we any thing but Devils whose hatred to Truth is 
implacable, it would have grieved us to see how she sighed 
and sobbed, as if her heart would break, when the impos- 
tors assumed the character of infallibility. She knocked 
with violence at the gates of the bishop's palace : but there 
was no admission for her there. She begged and prayed 
that the inferior ranks of the reverend clergy would re- 
ceive her ; but no one of them would suffer her to come 
under their roof ; so that the poor heaven-born lady sw^ooned 
in the streets, and there was none to assist her. Her eyes 
became as fountains of briny tears, trickling down her radi- 
ant cheeks; her locks were dishevelled, and her apparel 
hung dangling around her. In this m.ournful plight she went 
through all the streets of the mystic Babylon, uttering her 
lamentations in every public place, and in every concourse 
of the people. But, as in former times she had piped to 
them, and none of the worshippers of the Beast would dance ; 
so now she mourned to them, but none of them would la- 
ment. She stretched forth her hands all the day long-, but 
none of them would attend to her; the venerable pope, 
father of the world, having published a decree that none of 
them should suffer her under their roof, nor administer the 
least comfort to her in her calamity, under pain of the Rack, 
the Gibbet, the Wheel, or Fire and Fagot. Yea, more; 
when his Holiness saw the importunity of Divine Truth, 
and perceived that she would be a perpetual thorn in his 
side, if not timely and wisely prevented, by forcing her out 
of the world, he clad himself in Vulcanian armor, sought 
for her in every corner of Babylon ; when he met with her, 
lanched his fatal spear with papal force against her, that 
wounding her so deeply, she fainted and fell to the ground, 
and no doubt had died had she not been immortal. When 
the most holy bishop had thus deprest her, he cried out in 



12 



DIALOGUES 



devilish triumph, I am the successor of Peter, the vicaf 
of Christy the 'pillar of truth, the porter of heaven, and the 
supreme head of the church^ At which words, Truth en- 
tirely disappeared, and to this day has not been suffered to 
set one foot within the limits of the papacy. 

AvARO. It was a noble enterprise ; nothing could exceed ' 
it. I am persuaded, that the man who was in-dwelt by our 
brother Legion, and resided among the tombs, was never ca- 
pable of coming so near to us devils in cruelty, deceit, and : 
falsehood, as that same venerable man, his infallible holi- 
ness, hath upon every occasion. 

Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, Legion, though a many-viced 
devil, is but a fool when compared to his holiness; but it is 
highly necessary that he should be well qualified in devil- 
ism, seeing he is appointed Beelzebub's great vicegerent in 
the Christian world. 

Avaro. Great are the abilities requisite to such a sta- 
tion ; and his holiness possesseth them liberally. Did you 
ever hear, Fastosus, the manner in which our Italian suc- 
cess was received by Beelzebub the great, and his infernal 
nobility] ^' 

Fastosus. I suppose I have ; but I have so many things 
to think of, that at present it has escaped rby memory ; 
therefore, if you remember it, I shall be obliged to you for 
the recital. 

Avaro. With all my heart. I assure you it is well wortb 
your hearing, for thereby it appeared that his infernal ma- 
jesty had the deepest sense of our services, and conceived 
the strongest hope of the increase of his kingdom from the^ 
alliance formed betwixt the sublime porte of hell, and the^ 
apostolic chair at Rome. 

As soon as swift- winged Fame arrived at the gate, known' 
by the name of earth-gate, she knocked violently, as you 
know is customary with her upon any emergent occasion. 
Our friend Cerberus, the porter, no sooner saw that it was 
Fame, but he immediately sent a messenger to court, to in- 
form his majesty and peers, that the ambassadress Fame waS' 
arrived. In shorter time than a lawyer could frame a lie, 
hell was all in an uproar, every inhabitant being big with 
expectation of some important news from our friends on 
earth. Fifty of the nobility were dispatched from court, Vo 
congratulate Fame on her arrival, and to conduct her in 



OF DEVILS. 



13 



state to the court-end of the city. The mighty Beelzebub 
ascended the flaming- throne, to receive the ambassadress 
with imperial grandeur ; and as soon as she arrived, she Vv^as 
introduced to his sublime presence, by Lucifer, prime min- 
ister of state, and in full court related all that had passed 
concerning the change at Rome in the system of religion : 
which desirable news was received with all the demonstra- 
tions of joy damned spirits are capable of. Fame having 
finished her relation, the mighty prince, who sat on the stu- 
pendous throne, arrayed in all the majesty becoming his 
elevated station, lifted his warlike arm, waved the imperial 
sceptre for audience, and thus addressed his courtiers, his 
eyes blazing as burnino- furnaces, while he spake. 

" My lords, my brethren in sovereignty, and sharers of 
my glory ; from the just sense I have of your steady attach- 
ment to my interest and g-overnm.ent, as hath always ap- 
peared from your unw^earied study, as far as possible, to 
destroy the creatures of our arch-enemy, whom, constrained, 
we call the Almighty ; and promoting to the utmost our 
common interest among mankind. From such considera- 
tions, I cannot forbear congratulating your highnesses on 
the happy turn our affairs on the earth have taken, by the 
indefatigable pains and vigilant endeavors of our worthy 
friends and genuine descendants, Fastosus, Avaro, Falax, 
&c. &c. : as appears by the report you have just now heard 
from the mouth of our swift-winged ambassadress, Fame. 
By the industry of those worthy spirits, worms of the earth 
are wrought up to such a degree of pride and self-conceit, 
as to undertake enterprises that we, who are of angelic race, 
could not accomplish ; yea, even to assume prerogatives, 
which never once came into our minds. My noble lords, 
there is reason to believe that this revolution wull prove a 
leading step towards a very plentiful harvest. I signify 
therefore as my will and pleasure, that your highnesses take 
special care that the lodgings at the court-end of the city 
are kept in due repair, as henceforth we may expect at every 
term, numerous shoals of popish priests of all ranks, to take 
up their residence with us; and you may be sure they will 
take it very ill, if they are not accommodated according to 
their quality. 

" I think, my lords, it is worthy of observation, that all 
the missionaries we ever dispatched among the heathens^ 



14 



tflALOGUES 



could not prevai with poor pagan priests to aspire to that 
degree of impiety, which the pope hath now assumed. I 
hope, my lords, that truth and holiness are in a fair way of 
being banished from the face of the earth ; for I am per- 
suaded, that this universal father, his cardinals, legates, and 
bishops, will exert all their influence to promote our interest 
in the suppression of our enemies." Having said this, a 
flaming billow rolled over the imperial seat, and so stunned 
the good old prince, that he could speak no mxore for a 
season. 

Fastosus. All those things I well remember, now you 
have mentioned them. But I want to know what you have 
got in that leather bag. You have not become nailer, sure 1 

AvARO. This bag, sir, contains a thousand pounds, which 
a certain attorney, a dear child of mine, wants to have de- 
posited in some place of security, as he has not at present 
an opportunity of putting it out to generate, an increasing 
faculty v(^ith which all his other cash is endued. This same 
gentleman is a person of great worth, ready to assist the 
rich and great, provided always that his good deeds are 
handsomely rewarded. But so cautious and prudent is he, 
that he utterly abhors parting with even so small a pittance 
as a guinea, to relieve a poor distressed tradesman ; and in- 
deed for this very suflicient reason, that he cannot, in such 
a case, obtain land security for his money ; so that if the 
poor man is ever so honest and industrious, he must even 
reconcile his thoughts to a dungeon, or seek relief from an- 
other quarter ; for our worthy lawyer w^ould part with no 
money to deliver him from it. His present fear is, lest any 
of his poor neighbors, knowing that he has plenty of money 
by him, should, by their pressing solicitations, over-persuade 
him to part with a little to help them in their distresses ; 
for he, like many other honest men, is determined to keep 
what he has got, if one half of the parish should die for want 
of bread. 

Fastosus. By your description of the worthy lawyer, I 
may expect his children as my pupils after his decease. I 
warrrant me, Avaro, before their father is half consumed by 
the worms, I shall have them bowing and cringing to me as 
their god. I have remarked, for some thousands of years, 
that when the parents have worshipped the god Avaro, by 
givmg themselves up to covetousness, for the most part. 



\ 



OF DEVILS. 



15 



after their decease, the children have made choice of me 
and our cousin Profanity for their patrons. Surely, if cov- 
etous parents knew what courses children would follow 
w^hen their heads are laid low in the grave, and their souls 
stil' lower in hell, they Vv^ould quarrel with their god Avaro, 
or die with grief on the prospect. 

Avaro. Ay, uncle ; but there is not one of all my nu- 
merous disciples, who knows me by my proper name ; and 
I am by far too subtle for them to find out th^ cheat. My 
English vassals, for instance, commonly worship me under 
the false names of industry or frugality, prudence or lauda- 
ble care ; but there is not one of them who can be prevailed 
with to believe himself a worshipper of the devil Avaro, 
which is, you know, my true and proper name. 

Fastosus. Nothing equals our success ; for you danin 
the parents by covetousness, and V\^e damn the children by 
pride and profanity. Good x\varo, we have them hip and 
thigh ; it is but a few of all the mundane race that we lose ; 
and those also we should have, if they were not forcibly 
taken from us: but this is one comfort, that if we must 
have the mortification of seeing any of the human race get 
safe to heaven, v/e have also the pleasure of disturbing and 
distracting their minds on the journey ; and many of them 
we brin^^ to the stake or gibbet, under the direction of our 
good friend Crudelis, v/ho presides over those hells upon 
earth, known by the name of the holy inquisitions. 

Avaro. Hells, did you say ] Right, hells indeed ! One 
holy inquisitor goes beyond an hundred of our fraternity in 
the art of cruelty, which you know is the first of the learned 
sciences at Rome. Such wonderful inventions of torturing, 
one would have thought, could never have been contrived. 
What ingenuity does the rack display ! How excellently 
formed for exquisite torture ! What an apt resemblance of 
the infernal furnace is the dry-pan ! A contrivance worthy 
the most skilful among the Beelzebubian artists. But their 
watery torment, the gag and pitcher, is what raises them 
most in my esteem. Almost every blockhead hath some 
notion of a hell of fire ; but it is peculiar to the skill of an 
holy inquisitor to contrive a hell of water. In this, Fastosus, 
we must all knock under to them, for indeed they are our 
betters. And, to enhance their merit, their tormicnts are 
inflicted upon the unhappy wretches, who fall into their 



16 



DIALOGUES 



hands, under a show of the greatest sanctity towards God, 
and pity to the unhappy victim of their cruelty. And so 
very strictly do they and their assisting" familiars observe 
the rules of inviolable secrecy, that the world can never 
know the hundredth part of their villany. 

Fastosus. Secrecy is indispensably necessary to a people 
so much devoted to our interest as the worthy inquisitors 
and the rest of the Romish clergy are. Were it known to 
the world what methods they take to aggrandize themselves 
and support the papal hierarchy, the cheat would be discov- 
ered, the fabric would fall to the ground, the craft by v/hich 
they have their wealth would soon be at an end, and their 
reverences be brought into contempt. 

Certainly the great Beelzebub will deal gratefully with 
the holy father at Rome, and his cardinals, inquisitors and 
bishops, when they arrive in hell. For my own part, I 
stedfastly believe that if our good friends the popes and in- 
quisitors are not served below their quality, they will be put 
in possession of the seats on the right hand of his majesty's 
throne, as our friend Mahomet and his mufties were in those 
on the left. And when their extraordinary merit is consid- 
ered, our infernal nobility will have no reason to grumble at 
their advancement; for nothing less can be deemed ade- 
quate to their uncommon merit and usefulness in confirming 
our dominion over mankind. And so fervently have they 
our interest at heart, that it would be very extraordinary 
indeed, if any of them should be lost, and fall short of our 
dreary abode. 

AvARO. The basest ingratitude to use them otherwise, 
Fastosus. For my own part, I shall always give place to a 
pope or inquisitor, and I think it is the duty of all our sable 
fraternity so to do ; for when their inferior species is consid- 
ered, it will appear that they not only vie with, but even 
exceed the most dexterous among us in many things. 

Fastosus. I am thinking, Avaro, of the easy station you 
have got, in comparison of mine. You are concerned but 
with a few, I am concerned with every one. You chiefly 
serve the higher ranks of people, but I am hackneyed night 
and day by all sorts of men, from his holiness the pope to 
the hermit hi his cell, from the queen on the throne to 
Bridget the farmer's maid. But was it not that I find my 
account in it, and by that means am adored as a divinity, 



OF DEVILS. 



17 



my princely mind would never submit to such constant 
drudgery. 

AvARO. Good Fastosus, I speak it with reverence, but 
you are exceedingly mistaken in my business. I assure 
you, it increaseth every day upon my hands, and requires 
very constant application ; insomuch, that for these twelve 
years I have not had time to close my eyes for one refresh- 
ing nap. Ah, uncle ! I am concerned with, and for many ; 
and with none m^ore than with the sons of the mystic whore. 
This old bawd, with the scarlet gown, hath many children, 
who swarm as locusts along the face of many European 
countries, and eat up the good of the land before them. 
And there is not one amongst them, who knows how to 
spend a day without miy company. When T would gl9.dly 
lay me down for a little rest, one or other of them conjures 
me up to inquire after pay for this funeral miass, that dispen- 
sation, or the other pardon. For, you may know, that with 
them there is nothing to be done without ready cash ; for 
they never give credit. 

Fastosus. That old proverb, " Money answereth all 
things," seems well adapted to the tenets of your disciples, 
Avaro. 

AvARO. Wonderfully adapted, sir ! very wonderfully 
adapted ; for money forwards their devotion vastly, and 
helps them strangely on, in their way to heaven. Dear 
children of mine I own them to be ! for, notwithstanding 
their pretended love to devotion and the souls of their fellow 
creatures ; if a poor man travelling from earth to heaven, 
should happen to be arrested by any of the ofBcers of pur- 
gatory, (who make it their business to v/aylay travellers) 
and be turned over to the tormentors ; if such a man has 
not left a sufficient sum for purgatorial m.asses, and no well- 
disposed lay person is found to supply the deficient assets 
of the prisoner, he may lie, if it be possible, until he is 
burned to tinder, ere any parson of the convent will put one 
hand to help him out of those dreary flames. But, on tlie 
other hand, if a sufficient sum. is left for masses to be said to 
the lady of Loretto, St. Dominick, St. Dennis, or any other 
eloquent saint, all the parsons v^ill ay>ply as cheerfully as 
young dromedaries, and put their shoulders to the work, like 
so many bulls in a yoke, until the}^ have cleared him of his 
prison. You may alwavs be sure tliat with them., according 
B 2 



18 



DIALOGUES 



to the well-known proverb, "It is money that makes the 
mare to go." 

Fastosus. I pray you, Avaro, where does this same pur- 
gatory stand ] I have often heard of it, but never could meet 
with it, either in this or the other world, notwithstanding I 
have sought it v/ith care. 

Ayaro. You have sought for it in the wrong place, uncle ; 
you should have ransacked the brains of the pope and his 
clergy ; for there, and nowhere else, the chimera is to be 
found. It is only a scheme to get money, that I contrived 
for them ; and hitherto it has answered our highest expecta- 
tions ; for by this craft the parsons have great emolument. 

Fastosus. This I do know, that nothing is more attrac- 
tive of the attention of their reverences, than brilliant gold ; 
for the sake of which, systems the most absurd are imposed 
upon mankind, with the sanction of priestly authority. In- 
deed, it is presumed that these holy men will authorize no- 
thing but what is lucrative. O the wonderful trade of priest- 
craft! Indeed, Avaro, I begin to think you a devil of good 
abilities, and an honor to the race of Beelzebub. 

Avaro. I am highly obliged to you for your good opinion, 
sir ; and assure you, that were you acquainted with the sys- 
tem of our government, I should go near to rivet myself in 
your esteem ; an honor which I much desire, and in order 
to which, I shall relate a certain affair which wonderfully 
displays the genius of priestcraft, and gives the most just 
idea of the doctrine of purgatory. 

Fastosus. I shall be glad to hear it another time, cousin ; 
but for the present I must be gone, to forward my lady's 
robes ; for the mantua-maker dare not touch them before my 
arrival at Paris. Exactly four hours hence I shall give you 
the meeting. 

Avaro. I shall think of the appointment, uncle. Suc- 
cess to your enterprise. 



OF DEVILS. 



19 



DIALOGUE IL 

FASTOSUS AND AVARO. 

Being acquainted with the appointment, I chose to wait 
for their coming ; but was so alarmed at what I had heard 
and seen, that I kirked close in my retreat, not daring to 
attempt any discoveries. At the time appointed, I perceived 
them walking up the valley ; and as they drew near, 

Fastosus said. Yes, Avaro, I assure you there was great 
joy in the court of Versailles on account of my arrival, and 
that both amongst the French and English ladies : the lat- 
ter of whom are the humble servile imitators of the former ; 
which tends so to chagrin some, and give pleasure to others 
of them, that by this means contentions run very high among 
the French ladies. One part complains of the English, as 
no more than the apes of the French ; these are they who 
would monopolize all the finery to them.selves; therefore 
their censure of the English ladies is not to be regarded. 
The others boast of their superiority, and are not a little 
proud of their dominion over the fair Anglicans; who, they 
suppose, dare not attempt to introduce so much as the pat- 
tern of an head-dress, until it hath the approbation of the 
French. But to drop this for the present, Avaro, t shall be 
glad to hear the story you mentioned before we parted. 

Avaro. It was this, sir. There v/as a gentleman in 
Provence, a steady member of the holy Roman Catholic 
church, who died lately, and as soon as dead, his pious re- 
lations made his death known to their reverences the priests, 
in order to procure their good offices, in behalf of their de- 
parted friend, whose soul, it was upon no ill ground feared, 
was hardly white enough for heaven, and would therefore 
be obliged to call at purgatory, for an effectual cleansing, 
ere he could proceed further upon his journey. The vene- 
rable priests no sooner heard of the gentleman's death, than 
they prudently began to consult the good of the church, and 
what means appeared to them the most likely to feather 
their own nest; as this must needs be done, either by the 
life or death of the laity. This being- their sole intent, it 
was unanimously agreed to refer them^selves to my direc- 



20 



DIALOGUES 



tion, and an interview in the apartment of the principal was 
requested. Being at that time in the neighborhood, 1 imme- 
diately granted their petition, and presented myself among 
them in the principal's chamber ; a place very familiar to me. 
The reverend old father was no sooner aware of my arrival, 
than he arose from his seat, fell prostrate before me, to do 
me humble greeting, withal expressing the most grateful 
sense of my care and condescension, in coming so soon to 
their assistance. 

Humble salutation past, the principal addressed me in 
the following learned manner. "Worshipful Prudence," 
for that is the name I am known by among them, " we 
have an aiiair of great importance to lay before you ; and 
with the profoundest humility will we thank you for your 
advice." 

Fastosus. Nay, Avaro, if you talk any thing about that 
same humility, I will not stay a moment longer, for I hate 
the nature of it. 

Avaro. You need not be oflended, sir ; for the gentle- 
men in question have as little of that as yom heart could 
wish for. It is not the nature, but the mere name of humility 
which serves the purposes of priestcraft; and which he and 
his brethren so much admired. And you know, sir, that the 
name without the nature of humility, is nothing but pride in 
disguise. 

Fastosus. Well, I am glad they liave no more of it ; for 
that Humility is a fellow whom I abhor ; but I thank my stars 
it is very seldom that I meet with him ; however, when he 
and I do meet, we as naturally quarrel as the elephant and 
the rhinoceros. 

Avaro. T assured them of my assistance, and the old par- 
son went on with his story. "O! thou priest-governing 
spirit, (said he,) thou must know, that about eleven of the 
clock, last night, a neighboring gentleman went out of this 
into the other world, leaving behind him an estate, upwards 
of ten thousand pounds per annum, devolving to an only 
son, and to this convent has left no more than fourscore 
crowns, for the salutary work of delivering his poor soul 
from the dreadful flames of purgatory. I do not know, in- 
deed, but our great lady, whom we serve, might be satisfied 
with half the sum ; but we thy servants are not so easily 
pleased. It is our pious desire to procure as much of the youri^ 



OF DEVILS. 



21 



man's estate, as by any means we can, for our own private 
use ; as none of us can tell what we may v/ant before we 
die. Besides, we do not know but so large an estate, de- 
volving unencumbered upon him, may be the means of ruin- 
ing the soul and body of the inexperienced youth. Kow, we, 
as the holy guardians of his salvation, think it necessary, 
for the good of his soul, to cut ofi as much as we can of the 
fuel of his lusts ; well knowing how^ dangerous riches are to 
the laity. Thus, great patron, I have revealed the pious intent 
of our venerable brotherhood ; and, lovely spirit, if thou canst 
by thy advice serve us in this matter, we entreat thee to do 
it ; for our eyes are to thee, and our hearts are open to re- 
ceive thy instructions." 

Fastosus. Who could have thought, Avaro, of any of 
your, disciples being exposed to such exalted piety 1 How- 
ever, it was piety of the true Romish stamp, greatly admired 
by the venerable clergy. 

Avaro. Well, said I, most reverend father, let not your 
pious mind be afflicted about the young gentleman's soul. 
Let you and your worthy brethren observe my instructions ; 
and I shall undertake to put you in possession of the greatest 
part of his estate ; which, as you justly observe, will greatly 
redound to the safety of his soul. 

Be sure that you bury the old gentleman, with as much 
seeming sorrow and devotion as might be expected from a 
well-paid parson ; yea, with as much feigned courtesy to the 
heir, as if the deceased had left you five hundred pounds. 
Then be sure to say mass for him to your lady, St. Dominick, 
St. Francis, or to the saint of your convent, as soon as pos- 
sible. That being done, let a skilful messenger from your 
reverences wait on the son and heir, to tell him that, alas ! 
his poor father has got much deeper into purgatory than was 
expected, on account of some sins which he had concealed 
from his confessor; which sins, because they are hidden, 
will take a o-reat deal of burning, unless expiated in time by 
frequent masses. Tell him that you are not certain, but you 
hope, about two hundred crowns, laid out in masses to some 
favorite, loquacious saint, may go near to procure his deliv- 
erance. This news will probably so surprise the youth, that 
the messenger will receive the money, and his hearty pray- 
ers into the bargain : for if he is a good churchman, it will 



22 



DIALOGUES 



not be easy to persuade him that your reverences only aim 
at picking his pockets. 

Having received the money, you must take care not to go 
any more to the young gentleman, until the tioie that all 
the masses might liave been said : then go to him again, and 
tell him that by fervent application you have at last got his 
father's soul within a fev/ yards of the surface of the flames; 
that you cannot possibly restore him an inch farther, until 
more masses are said for him ; and that you think an hun- 
dred crov/ns' worth more may, in all probability, clear hinu 
This being received, take care not to visit him again too 
soon, but wait until another quantity of masses might have 
been said. At a proper tune go to him again: expatiate much 
upon the piety of your brethren : Tell him, that by their 
endeavors, his father was quite discharged from the court of 
purgatory, and was just going to be turned out at the head- 
end of the town, when it happened, most unluckily, that 
there came up the soul of a woman, whom he had debauch- 
ed in his life-time ; that this malicious woman had brought 
an action against him, the bill was found, and the poor old 
gentleman condemned to fiercer burnings than before, which 
may last for many years, unless a speedy supply of money 
is granted, to procure friends in heaven to intercede for his 
release. This scheme will procure you double the former 
sums. You know, father, hidden sins take a great deal of 
burning. 

Six or eight months afterwards, go to the young gentle- 
man again, and tell him that you laid out his last money to 
the best advantage, that with it you procured half a dozen of 
the best orators in heaven to plead his father's cause ; Vvho, 
by their fervent supplications, had at last prevailed ; that 
the old gentleman was delivered from his torments, and was 
led in triumph to the gates, to be dispatched immediately 
for glory. But, as his unlucky stars would have it, just as 
the porter opened the gate, there came up the soul of a 
mendicant friar, v/hom the old gentleman had in his life-time 
unhappily beat, and now openly accused him of this almost 
unpardonable crime : on which account he was remanded 
back to more exquisite torments than ever. Tell the young 
gentleman that this unhappy accident caused such grief to 
the brethren, that there is hardly any one of them able to 
say Ave-Maria; and that some of them intend, as soon as 



OF DEVILS. 



23 



their strength will admit, to go to Jerusalem, to try if by 
any means they can procure his deliverance at the holy cross 
or sepulchre. 

You know very well, reverend father, in whptt tender and 
pious strain to tell your story ; and to make it penetrate the 
deeper, you can shed a few^ crocodile tears over it. If you 
manage wisely, you may, in this case, sell your tears at 
more than a crown each. Be sure thus always to find out 
some impediment or other to the old man's release. You 
may bring him often to the gates, but if once you let him 
go through, all your hopes are over from this quarter. Care 
should also be taken to inform the young heir of the tre- 
mendous curses the pope has denounced against those impi- 
ous children, who enjoy their wealth and ease, whilst they 
suffer their poor unhappy parents to lie roasting in purgato- 
ry, rather than pay the priests for delivering them. 

Fastosus. Ay, Avaro ! But v/hat if the young gentle- 
man should have sense enough to see through the villany 
of the parsons, and courage enough to refuse the money ] 
How then, cousin 1 

Avaro. That was what I was going to tell you, sir. 
For, continued I, if, sir, young 'squire Great-purse should 
have sagacity enough to see through your schem.e, and deny 
you the money, let one of your most devout brethren assume 
the ghost, from night to night haunt his dwelling, and, in an 
articulate manner, utter, in the name of the fither deceas- 
ed, the most dreadful curses against his undutifijl son, w^ho 
possesseth a large estate in peace and pleasure, whilst his 
poor father lies broiling in the flames of purgatory. By 
these means you may procure either all or most of the es- 
tate to yourselves. 

Fastosus. An excellent scheme ! and, from what I have 
known of those reverend worthies, exactly suited to their 
taste and principles. 

Avaro. It was so, as you shall hear : For I had no sooner 
finished, but the aged father, who was not likely to live to 
say many more masses, arose, and, with tears in his eyes, 
thanked me a thousand times for my cordial advice ; pro- 
testing that nothing could be better adapted to the end pro- 
posed, or more agreeable to the principles both of him and 
his brethren; a;ssuring me that they would follow my direc- 
tions, as invariably as Saturn does his orbit. 



24 



DIALOGUES 



Fastosus. By this account of the Romish priests, it ap- 
pears that they are at no loss for merchandise. Purgatorial 
fire, holy water, masses, dispensations, pardons, &c. are 
commodities which do not require a very large capital, and 
yet are attended with considerable profits. The great par- 
sons, over and above the tythe of the lands, have very ad- 
vantageous craft by this means. But between you and me, 
cousin, it is all the merchandise of the scarlet strumpet. 

AvARO. It would be dangerous to our interest, if the 
world should know the truth. Then our great vicegerent 
would be worshipped as a god no more. The wondrous 
beast which ascended out of the sea of ignorance and error, 
would be torn limb from limb, and his carcass given to the 
hav/ks and ravens. ' 

Fastosus. So then I find you are a papist as v/ell as me. 
I myself have large concerns among the clergy, and with, 
none more than his holiness the pope, the great parson at 
Rome ; the parson of the parsons. This universal parson, 
though he pretends to be descended from Peter, my enemy, 
hath conceived such a good opinion of my abilities, that he 
will not make a decree, nor publish a bull, until I have put 
the finishing hand to it. You know, cousin, that I am none 
of those who are backward in showing their opinion, but 
readily dictate to all who refer themselves to my direction. 
As to his holiness, notwithstanding he is the father of the 
whole church, he is my humble servant; and, as I said be- 
fore, consults me upon all occasions. The advice that I 
give, in general, is, that by all means he take care to keep 
up his authority over the consciences and liberties of man- 
kind : and the same advice I give to the clergy in general. 
Hence every parson attempts to reign within his own dis- 
trict, despotic and supreme over the consciences of the peo- 
ple, who are obliged, under pain of damnation, to honor him 
as the plenipotentiary of heaven, and the arbitrary distribu- 
ter of blessings and curses. I advise his holiness at all 
events, to support his infallibility beyond the scriptures of 
truth, and his supremacy above the laws of God or man. 
This same advice I whisper in the ear of my clergy in gen- 
eral, who, to a man, agree that the scripture shall not pass 
with toleration, unless it is dressed in the garb of their 
interpretations. As such, and only as such, it is imposed on S 
their parishioners. The good old vicar never contradictsf 



OF DEVILS. 



25 



any thing I say, notwithstanding he knows, at the same 
time, his pretensions to be a cheat; but to the ntmost of his 
power, follows the directions of his adored Fastosus ; and 
never did mortal man show more implicit obedience to the 
monarch of darkness. 

AvAE-o. So then the papists worship his holiness the 
pope, and he worships the devil Fastosus. Is not this the 
system of the popish divinity in a few words, uncle ] 

Fastosus. It is so ; and a system adhered to by many 
who are called Protestants. For, with such love to wealth 
and honor have you and I inspired them, that although, as 
reasonable beings, they must know that the Almighty Ruler 
will bring their ways into impartial scrutiny, and judge 
them for their fallacious guile ; yet, for the sake of worldly 
riches and honor, at all events, they resolutely follow our 
directions. 

AvARO. Ay, sir, that is the heaven of the priests. They 
both seek and have their reward. The fat of the land is in 
their possession, and they are honored as the directors of 
conscience. And yet they are the successors of the apos- 
tles, who had neither silver nor gold ; and yet they are the 
ministers of Jesus, who Vv^ould not receive honors from men. 
And yet they are the most humble creai^Tes that ever lived ; 
and yet it is death to contradict them. 

Fastosus. Having made sure of the mighty father of 
the world, his holiness of Rome, to join issue with us in 
promoting our interest among men ; I have an excellent de- 
vice to insure all the other ranks of his dependent clergy 
to our interest likewise. The patriarchs and cardinals are 
sure to prove loyal to the pope, and, of consequence, to us, 
from a hope, which I have inspired each of them with, of 
one day ascending the papal throne himself The loyalty 
of the archbishops is insured by the hope of a cardinal's 
hat, and their right reverences the bishops are sure to re- 
main inoffensive animals, in hope of attaining in some fu- 
ture period the archiepiscopal dignity. The same device 
runs through all the other ranks of the clergy, and thereby 
^hey are all rendered my humble servants. By these things 
it appears that we are likely to have a very plentiful har- 
vest. 

AvARO. Doubt it not, Fastosus. Beelzebub's regions will 
be well provided v/ith gentlemen in holy orders, who are so 



26 



DIALOGUES 



dexterous in managing the cheat, that it is carried on, un- 
perceived by their adorers. Look ye, Fastosus ! who comes ? 
It is Crudelis ! Where do you think that deformed spirit 
can be going now 1 

Fastosus. He is on the scent of blood, I warrant him. 
By his nature he might have been got by a panther, and 
nursed by a mountain bear. 

AvARO. Let us call him, sir; perhaps we may learn 
some news of him. So, ho ! Crudelis ; what, not a word 
with you T 

Crudelis. Hah, gentlemen ! are you here 1 I did not 
think of meeting with you, my dear friends and fellow de- 
stroyers. How do you do, Fastosus ] And how do you do, 
Avaro ] 

Both. We are pretty well, cousin ; only jaded a little 
with constant application to business. But pray, Crudelis, 
how have you been employed of late 1 

Crudelis. Employed, do you say 1 Never fear me. I 
have not been idle, I assure you. Do you suppose that I 
can pick up no game in Britain, in this golden age 1 If you 
do, you are greatly mistaken. It is true, that some of the 
late kings of England have been my avowed enemies, and 
as far as in them lay, have expelled me the kingdom. But 
be they as vigilant as they will, I find opportunity of break- 
ing through the fences which they have reared against me ; 
when you may be sure, if I cannot get great, I pick up 
small game, of which I can only give you a very small 
specimen at present. In one place I persuaded an ambitious 
child to poison, or otherwise kill, an old cumbersome parent, 
who will not die without violent measures. I prevailed 
with a rogue, in another place, to dispatch his woman, and 
her brat, to preserve his own reputation and estate. In a 
third, I stir up an ambitious servant to kill and plunder his 
master. And frequently I can prevail with one gentleman 
to kill another in a duel, on some punctilio of false honor. 
And sometimes I persuade the despairing wretch to lay vio- 
lent hands on himself, destroy his own miserable life, and 
by doing so, enter upon another infinitely more miserable. 
Then I take to my heels, and am followed with a hue and 
cry all over the nation. But thank you, I am too swift for 
them all. I never give them time to say, " Crudelis is 



OF DEVILS. 



27 



here." But they often say, " These are the tricks of that 
horrid devil Crudelis." 

Yesterday I was attending a duel, which I myself stirred 
up, (as I suppose you know that all duels are of my insti- 
gation,) so it was here ; I persuaded the gentlemen com- 
batants to fight with sword and pistol, hoping that both 
would have fallen in the action. But though my design wa-s 
good, as ill-luck would have it, it miscarried, and only one 
of them bit the ground. However, I am not without hoipe 
that the other will be hanged for the murder, and, if so, then 
I have my design. I assure you, gentlemen, I use my ut- 
most endeavors to throng the nether regions. O, my brother 
destroyers ! I could tell you such stories as would make you 
bless yourselves, and adore the prince Crudelis. These are 
but, trifling things, throwm in to whet your appetite against 
the next opportunity. Then you shall hear. But for this 
time I must be going. Adieu, gentry, for I smell blood at 
a distance. 

Fastosus. It is amazing what power this deformed fiend 
hath obtained over mankind. What ills, so very different 
from the principles of humanity, he hath by his barbarous 
insinuations introduced. What is very surprising, he hath 
made mankind more cruel to one another, than we infernal 
spirits are among ourselves. He stirs them up to destroy 
and devour one another : but we are never known to quar- 
rel among ourselves, nor to make war upon our own race. 
Be that the part of foolish man : W^e devils are masters of 
better policy. This very Crudelis himself, sanguine as he 
is to devour blinded mortals, lays aside all his voracity, 
when he joins our black assembly, and is as tame a devil as 
any of us. Well may you and I destroy with success, when 
such a deformed lump of hell as Crudelis, is made welcome 
among them. 

AvARO. But with your leave, sir, as Crudelis is gone, let 
us resume our discourse. I remember, before he interrupted 
us, you briefly hinted that you w^ere som.ewhat addicted to 
religion, and that you are a papist too. I was never wont 
to consider you as a religious devil ; much less did I think 
that you assumed to yourself any of those distinctions, wdiich 
divide the professedly Christian world. I thought, formerly, 
that the great Fastosus had dwelt only in kings' courts, 
with people of soft raiment, and occasionally waited on the 



28 



DIALOGUES 



nobility and gentry, at their country-seats. What! the 
devil Fastosus a papist too I 

Fastosus. In reality, Avaro, (to make use of a human 
phrase) your ignorance is enough to provoke the very devil. 
Do you not know yet, if I were not jack of all trades and 
religions, I could never maintain my sway over men as I 
do. I have very great concern in religious matters, I as- 
sure you, and that among m^ore denominations than some 
people like to hear of Sometimes I am among the Pagans, 
worshipped as an arch-flamin, and president of all their re- 
ligious orders. Very frequently I have the honor of hllmg 
the papal chair. Then I am adored under the venerable 
names of Pius, Innocent, Benedict, &c. accounted the uni- 
versal pastor, head of the church, and father of the whole 
world. Occasionally I sit as judge in the holy inquisitive 
tribunal, where Concupiscentia and I are adored as divini- 
ties. Now I am an holy mussulman, and styled his rever- 
ence mufti, Muly Alab. Then, before you are aware, I am 
shut up in a cloister with the nuns and friars, whom I make 
more proud of their pretended chastity than a thousand 
saints are of their real graces. On such occasions, I am 
known by the name of the venerable matron Humility. It 
happens, also, that I am obliged to metamorphose myself 
into a capuchin, or a Palmerian friar, and in that show of 
self-denial I beg my bread from door to door. By these 
means I teach the fantastical devotees to be more proud of 
their awkward form., and voluntary humility, than a wise 
earl would be of all his landgraviate. Anon, I change my 
station, and find myself an abbot of a convent, where my 
depending priests and brethren worship me under the name 
of the holy father. Then, very soon after, you will find me 
attending the worthy confessor in his visitation ; when, to 
be sure, I persuade his self-conceited reverence that he is 
well-nigh as pure as the most holy mother pope Joan, a for- 
tunate lady, who, a few centuries ago, becamje head of the 
church, and mother of the whole world. The hermit, in 
his cell, on the mountains of Ararat, frequently oflers his 
adoration to me, and, for my part, in return for his obsequi- 
ousness, I am in no wise sparing of my exalting influence. 
I persuade the world-abdicating wretch that his solitary resi- 
dence in that holy asylum, far more than m^erits a mansion 
in heaven ; and, at his peril, that he stir not one foot from 



OF DEVILS. 



29 



thence, to go down into an ungodly world : the mountain- 
top, or a cell in the desert, being the best place imaginable, 
in which to merit everlasting glory. The worthy hermit 
admits my doctrine to be true, his favorite passion is gratified, 
and he obeys implicitly my directions. 

AvARO. Then his eremitical reverence never questions 
the goodness of his heart, I perceive. He knows not that 
he carries a spring of iniquity within himself, even to the 
desert, or the mountain's top. 

Fastosus. No, no, he fears no evil from within. If he 
gets to a distance remote enough from the rest of mankind, 
he can repose the greatest confidence in his ow^n heart ; and 
thereby proclaims his folly to all the world. I assure him, 
that if he will remain during life in his cell, when he comes 
to die, he will have holiness sufficient for himself ; and a 
large redundancy, by which he may help some poor friend 
out of purgatory. 

AvARO. Hey day! how different Vvas Paul's doctrine 
from yours and the hermit's, Fastosus! He asserted that 
by the works of the law no flesh living should be justified ; 
but you and he believe that by the works of the law a man 
may be more than justified. Yea, that by observing of things 
nowhere commanded in the law, such as forsaking society, 
counting beads, and mumbling prayers, he may not only jus- 
tify himself, but help another to justification. 

Fastosus. Ay, Avaro, the hermit believes so; but for 
my part I believe no such thing. I know better, though I 
thus delude him. But to pass on with my story, I can tell 
you, I have a good deal of employment among your disci- 
ples, cousin, and with them I work wonders of compelled 
generosity. I meet with many, w^ho never had the heart 
to perform one virtuous, benevolent action, whilst health 
continued ; who, Vvhen they perceive that they must come 
to a reckoning in the other world, are very assiduous to have 
their accounts l^alancecl aforehand. I persuade them to leave 
a massy sum to this hospital, to the other parish, or to cer- 
tain meeting-houses. When I thus direct the will of de- 
votees, one leaves gold enough to build a chapel for our 
lady, a second doth tlie like for St. Peter, and a third for St. 
Dominick. But in general they are most fond of saints of 
their own rearing, the greatest part of whom are now made 
constellations in the nether sky, and courtiers to the prince 
C2 



so 



DIALOGUES 



Beelzebub. Ask you me, Avaro, what end the testator has 
in those pious legacies 1 I tell you, by this time he sees that 
the manner in which he got and kept his money, has not 
the least tendency to save him from destruction ; and he 
knows but one way to avert the impending judgment; that 
is, to leave his so and so gotten money for the good of the 
church ; and that, he is told, never fails to sanctify every 
measure to procure it. Some of those deluded testators are 
not without hope, that, in some future period, their names 
will be enrolled in the pope's bible ; and their shrines adored 
in the Christian pantlieon, at Rome, wdiere all the gods of 
the papal hierarchy are enshrined. 

Avaro. Good Fastosus, I realty think, that, if the pa- 
pists would act in character, they should dedicate their tem- 
ples to St. Judas, St. Demas, St. Demetrius, St. Alexander 
the coppersmith, &c. for they are the genuine offspring of 
those celebrated heroes. 

Fastosus. Their very descendants, cousin. You and T, 
who knov/ what we see, can discern no essential difference 
between the holy Roman Catholic religion, and that of the 
ancient pagans. It was the most excellent device imagina- 
ble to introduce paganism under the specious show of ortho- 
dox and infallible Christianity. And I can tell you, there 
is no essential difiererice between the popish religion, and 
that of some sects of very staunch Protestants ; but these 
things we must keep to ourselves; for I would not, for ever 
so much, our people should know that the popish religion is 
diabolic. 

Avaro. I should be glad to hear it made out, uncle, how 
the religion of some Protestants is much the same with that 
of the papists: this being well cleared up will yield me 
great pleasure. 

Fastosus. I can clear it up, Avaro. And shall, at a 
time convenient; but not now. I must go and put the fin- 
ishing hand to my lady's robes. To-morrow I shall meet 
you here. Adieu. 

Avaro. Well, seeing my uncle is gone. Til go and hide 
the lawyer's money in a place of safety, and return to some 
busijiess which I promised to transact for my worthy chil- 
dren. 



OF DEVILS. 



31 



DIALOGUE in. 

INFIDELIS AND IMPIATOR. 

The way being clear by the departure of Fastosus and 
Avaro, I came out of my lurking place, in order to make 
what discoveries I could in the valley, vrhich I now knew 
to be a rendezvous for those evil spirits, who so dreadfully 
have enslaved mankind. I had not gone far, before my 
alarmed imagination transformed every tl-ing I saw into a 
devil; the croaking of the raven was as dreadful as the 
voice of an hobgoblin ; and the shrieking of the owl as ter- 
rible as the roaring of Apollyon. Every distant bush seem- 
ed to bear the aspect of some devouring fiend, so powerful 
was the influence of my imagination. Curiosity, however, 
had still the ascendency over my fears; and I wandered 
from place to place, seeking for something new. At length 
I saw, at some distance, a tall gigantic form, slowly moving 
towards me. A form nearly as huge as the steeple of St. 
Cuthbert's churcli, at Duimensis. Every tim.e he contract- 
ed his extensive chest, he darkened the air with the breath 
which issued from his expanded nostrils, as pillars of smoke 
from the chimney of a fire-engine : smaller streams of the 
same darkening vapor came curling forth from his armpits, 
and every pore of his skin, so that wherever he came be 
blackened the air around him. 

Now, thought I, my life is not worth two-pence, if yon- 
der demon lay hold on me. Therefore I ran vvith full speed 
to the clifi* of the rock, where I had lurked so secure be- 
fore : and having taken sanctuary in the subterraneous cell, 
I gathered so much courage as to peep out, that I migi/c 
learn what was become of the terrible monster, t saw tii.l 
he was got almost to the door of my cave. Frightened I 
was, you n:iay be sure; nevertheless, I comforted myself 
with the thought, that such a tremendous bulk could not en- 
ter my narrow retreat. He said to himself (his voice as he 
spoke resembling hollow tJiunder) " I thought I had seen 
the honorable Fastosus, and the careful Avaro, walking 
here just now ; but I might be mistaken ; or if they have 
been here^ they are gone on our o-rv?at father's business^ no 



32 



DIALOGUES 



doubt. Well, seeing it is so, I will take a tarn or two in 
the vale, and then return to my business again." 

NotVv^ithstanding all the tremor of my mind, I was eager 
to knov/ what he was, and how he came hither ; but durst 
not discover myself, lest he should prove a devil of the can- 
nibal kind, which if he should, I thought that he would 
scarce make one mouthful of my diminutive carcass. But 
when he mentioned going to business again, I queried 
whether he might not be one of Vulcan's smiths, come out 
of the forge to take a refreshing walk ; then I recollected, 
and asked myself, " If he is one of the cyclops, how came 
he to be acquainted with the devils Fastosus and Avaro V 
I continued in this dreadful suspense for some time, until at 
last seeing one of his companions, he entered into discourse 
with him. I found that his name was Infidelis, and that 
of the other Tmpiator. 

Infidelis. Impiator, my child, how do you do ? I am 
glad to meet my son in the vale of horrors, in so lucky an 
hour. 

Impiator. Hah, my worshipful father, Infidelis ! Am I 
so happy as to meet with you here? My venerable sire, 
how do you do] 

Infidelis. I thank you, son, very well. Notwithstand- 
ing my great age, and hurry of business, I do not find the 
least decay in my constitution, but rather seem to grow 
stronger ; and indeed there is a prediction on record, that I 
shall be strongest at the last. 

What pleasure does it give me, my dear Impiator, to 
hear that you are so successful, in ensnaring the minds and 
corrupting the morals of mankind, throughout every nation 
of the world. If what I hear of you be true, you approve 
yourself a right chip of the old block. I rejoice that some 
of all ranks and degrees of people are so subjected to our 
sway. I am told that many, even of the professors of reli- 
gion, fondly caress you, my son. 

Impiator. Indeed, sir, it must not be denied that my 
kingdom is in a growing condition, all over the world. I 
think I was hardly ever so much, and never more caressed 
than I am now. Even in pagan nations, heretofore remark- 
able for uprightness and temperance, I have introduced the 
fashionable vices of the Christian world : so that an Indian 
will drink and swear even with an Englishman; and lie 



OF DEVILS. 



33 



and cheat as fast as a Gaul or an Hollander. Greatly am I 
beholden to a certain company for instructing the eastern 
world in the learned arts of violence, rapine, and mur- 
der. Not to dwell, however, on the conversion of the pa- 
gans to the vices of nominal Christians, much improvement 
has been made even m Christendom itself, of which, take 
the following instances out of many that might be given. 

It is not a vast num^ber of years since your son Impiator 
was held in perfect disdain in Scotland ; but now I have 
chosen many legions of the Caledonians for myself I think 
I ought rather to say, that being quite tired of the service 
of Sobriety, a prince of another fam.ily, they made choice 
of me for their ruler. But you know, father, that I am no 
scholar, therefore improprieties in my speech are not at all 
to be wondered at. However, I have reduced the Scotch 
to such a veneration for my once hated person, that they 
have cordially embraced the ornamental vices of the Eng- 
lish nation ; such as sabbath -breaking, whoring, drunken- 
ness, swearing, gambling, &c. ; but v/hether they will be as 
successful in obtaining pensions from the government, after 
they have gambled away their estates, is not so easy to de- 
termine. The conquest of the Scotch, sir, is the more 
agreeable to me, because, as I said, there was a time, when 
those vices were hardly so much as known in that country ; 
now, who but Profanity in all their towns ] Nor am I with- 
out my worshippers in the country, even among their Pres- 
byterian parsons themselves. 

Infidelis. Glad am I that my lovely child has subdued 
the stubborn Scotch. For I well know that the Presbyte- 
rians there resisted your influence long after I had erected 
my standard in the land ; yea, after multitudes flocked to it, 
and swore allegiance to the great Infidelis. But how, my 
son, hast thou so happily accomplished this change I 

Impiator. Really, sir, I obtained help from a quarter 
whence there was not the least reason to expect it. I mean 
from the parsons, the spiritual guides of the people. It hap- 
pened thus: The parsons of the kirk quarrelled among 
themselves, and divided into two parties ; one of which for- 
sook their mother kirk, and very solemnly delivered up the 
other party to the devil ; on the other hand, the reverend 
gentlemen, who abode in the kirk, in the like spirit of de^ 
votion, delivered up the schismatics, parson and people, to 



34 



DIALOGUES 



Beelzebub. Beelzebub, who you know is never backward 
in receiving a gift of this kind, finding that all the presby- 
terians in Scotland were thus in full tale made over to him, 
laid his hands upon as many of them as he could conveni- 
ently reach, and made such use of them as greatly assisted 
my operations. Little was now to be heard in the pulpit, 
except railing, scolding, calling ill names, and tossing 
anathemas, from one party to the other. Thus while they 
went on bandying curses, we went on persuading the peo- 
ple that religion is a farce, and that true happiness consists 
in present gratification ; and this doctrine, readily aftecting 
the heart and senses, was eagerly received, and my govern- 
ment established. 

Infidelis. It was a favorable juncture indeed ; and I 
have often remarked, that if there was any turn of reli- 
gious affairs much in our favor, for the most part, we have 
parsons to thank for their assistance in it. Many instances 
of this might be given. But I pray thee, my son, didst thou 
ever hear of my original, and the nature of my government ] 

Impiator. No, not I, indeed. You know, sir, I was born 
with evident signs of stupidity, and therefore could never 
read ; and, to tell you the truth, all my cares are in the 
present tense, without inquiring into either originals or ter- 
mmations. 

Infidelis. All this I know, my child. But, as we are 
secure from mortal auditors, being in Horrida Vallis, if you 
can spare a little time, I will give you some account of my 
rise and progress. Perhaps it may have a happy tendency 
to promote your destructive designs, and so strengthen the 
pillars of the elevated throne of great Profanity. What I 
relate you may depend upon for truth: for, although we 
seldom speak any thing but lies to mankind, one devil may 
well enough depend upon the word of another. 

Impiator. Yes, that we may, sir ; and I presume if man- 
kind were to hear Vv^hat passeth at our private conferences, 
they would not continue long so fond of our service as they 
are at present. As to your story, sir, I am ready to hear it. 
Perhaps, as you say, I may profit by it. 

Infidelis. Weil then, my son, you will observe that I am 
of a very great age, well-nigh as old as the world, which 
you see is worn quite threadbare, and Vv^ill in a little time 
be folded up as an old garment of no use. As to my original, 



OF DEVILS. 



35 



I can tell you that I am well descended ; of royal lineage, 
I assure you. Great Beelzebub himself begat me, and my 
sister Ignorantia, on Eve, the mother of all living on earth. 
When I came to years of maturity, he gave me Ignorantia, 
my fellow-twin, to wife ; and by her I had you, with your 
worthy brethren, Avaro, Falax, Crudelis, and your sisters, 
Perfidia, Concupiscentia, &c. At the same time my elder 
brother Fastosus, who had Inscientia, a lady of remarkable 
beauty, given him to wife, begat on her Ambitiosus, Contu- 
max, Discordans, and their sisters Malevolentia, Iracundia, 
and a large train of excellent worthies, famous in the annals 
of the nether regions. 

As soon as I was born, I stood up like a stupendous wall 
betwixt the Creator and the creature, so that blessings, of a 
spiritual kind, could not descend from God to man, nor 
could obedience ascend from man to God. One of the first 
things I did was to maim their moral powers, and accom- 
plish an union betwixt them and my great father Beelzebub. 
Such an union I did establish, as nothing natural shall ever 
be able to dissolve. 

Impiator. Ha ! my sire, you began very early indeed. 
You spent little idle time in your infancy; and proved very 
successful in your first enterprise too ! 

Infidelis. I have no reason to complaui for want of suc- 
cess, I assure you. But you shall hear. The very moment 
I was brought forth, the great Beelzebub gazed upon me 
with all the admiration of a father infernal, and said, that I 
was the loveliest babe his eyes ever beheld. Multitudes of 
his sable menials, flocking together, were likewise aston- 
ished at my beauties. Such majestic grace displayed itself 
in my countenance, though then but an infant, that all 
agreed " I was father's own child." Moreover, such were 
their hopes of my usefulness, that great Beelzebub, and his 
peers, did what they could, sparing neither pains nor ex- 
pense, to have me transported to hell, to be nursed up at the 
infernal court; believing that my presence would greatly 
alleviate their distress, and prevent their trembling on the 
thoughts of futurity. But my constitution being altogether 
earthy, it was found by experience that the infernal air was 
too hot for me, and that I could not live within the confines 
of the damned. Earth, my child, only earth is my habitat 
tion. Here I was born, and here I suppose I must die. 



36 



DIALOGUES 



Impiatoh. With your leave, father, T think I have some- 
where heard, that all who are now the inhabitants of the 
deep are unbelievers. How comes this to pass, if the great 
Infidelis cannot live in those torrid regions. 

Infidelis. I perceive, child, that you are no great profi- 
cient in theology. As for me, I have dealt against divine 
matters all my days. It is your province to counteract 
moral principles, not interfering much with things divine ; 
and my province to oppose truth, rather than promote im- 
morality ; therefore I shall inform you how it comes to pass. 
Know then, that what a man is when he dies, such he is in 
the eye of the moral law to all eternity ; for death casts the 
die, and in the same posture in which the tree falls it must 
lie for ever : but with infidelity they never more agree. For 
instance, many of them, whilst on earth, could not be pre- 
vailed on to believe that there is a God ; but in hell they are 
feelingly convinced of the truth of this doctrine. Now they 
believe that there is a terrible God, and that they are fallen 
into his dreadful hands. Search hell through all its corners, 
ransack every furnace in the fiery world, and you will find 
never an atheist therein. Others, whilst on earth, were not 
quite so stupid as to imagine that this beautiful world, and 
all things therein, came into existence of themselves, and 
that the economy of nature is wholly effected by chance : 
therefore, they assented to the being of God ; but deemed 
it enthusiasm to suppose that this God should subject his 
creatures unto a written law. They sneered at the authority 
of the scriptures ; ridiculed every part of instituted worship ; 
and gloried in their infidelity. But now, they are sentenced 
to hell, and have had a specimen of eternal torment, they 
most sincerely believe the veracity of the scriptures ; finding 
themselves to have been judged acccording to what is writ- 
ten in them. Others, whilst health and strength continued 
with them, supposed God was only jesting, when he threat- 
ened the sinner with the vengeance of eternal fire ; but now 
they are in hell, enduring that vengeance, they verily be- 
lieve that he was in earnest. In short, son, many of them 
disfclieved that there is either God or devil, heaven or hell ; 
but now, all these things are certain, even to demonstration, 
with them ; they having been driven to associate with the 
peers of darkness. 

The very best of historical faith is to be found in hell. 



OF DEVILS. 



37 



There are millions now inhabiting there, v/ho, when on 
earth, could boast that they had good hearts, and believed 
well all their days, but who never began in reality to be- 
lieve the report of the bible, until they tasted the sulphur 
of the lake. Then they believed very sincerely, though 
very much against their inclination. Now do you under- 
stand me, when I tell you that unbelief cannot live in helll 

Impiator. Yes ; but you amaze me, sir ! I never heard 
so much before. What a learned devil you are ! The fa- 
mous pope Hellbrand himself could not have discussed the 
subject with greater accuracy. One may see from you 
what it is to be conversant with popes, councils, convoca- 
tions, and the clergy. - But in our country all the conversa- 
tion runs upon horse-coursing, card-playing, cock-fighting, 
fox-hunting, whore-making, swearing, lying, cheating and 
drinking. Not a word about religion, unless it is to damn 
the parson for a sanctified hypocrite. And more, sir, I never 
knew that I had so many brethren and sisters before. Right 
well I knew that I was begotten by you ; but I looked on 
myself as your only son by Ignorantia, my mother. Those 
honorable spirits, whom you mention as my brethren, I al- 
ways took to have been sons of Beelzebub, your brethren 
and my uncles. I should never have thought of a fraternal 
relation subsisting between them and myself, in any other 
way than co-operation. 

Infidelis. You have been greatly mistaken, Impiator; 
for Beelzebub never begat a son besides myself, and my 
brother Fastosus, who is something older than I. I am aware 
that there are some who allege that Contumax, Crudelis, 
Discordans, Sic. are the natural children of the great Beel- 
zebub ; but it is a mistake ; for they are only his grandchil- 
dren, sons to my brother Fastosus. The very moment that 
Contumax was brought forth, our great father Beelzebub, 
with all his adherents, were cast down from the ineffable 
heights of primeval glory, to the depths of bottomless perdi- 
tion ; and, according to a certain historian, were nine natu- 
ral days in falling. Now, my dear Impiator, by this ac- 
count, Contumax is your cousin, and my nephew. So that 
you are not only a brother in government with those illus- 
trious princes ; but sprung from the same famous ancestors 
with them. 

Impiator. Indeed, sir, I am astonished at your story; 
J) 



DIALOGUES 



but you know that I am no scholar, and that ought to excuse 
for my ignorance of matters so profound. Besides, such ^ 
things very seldom make a great impression on my mind, 
being quite out of my latitude. However, I should be glad ^ 
to know how your extensive government was established. 

Infidelis. How it elates my mind, to hear my dear Im- ^ 
piator express desire after instruction ! I will inform you as ^ 
far as I myself have known. My kingdom, which is indeed ' 
extensive, was established as follows. As soon as J was 
born, I began to call in question the truth, goodness, and ; ' 
authority of the Almighty ; and in every respect set myself 
to oppose the Eternal, by contradicting every word which 
he spake to man. 

For instance, when God said to man, " Thou shalt not eat 
of the fruit of such and such a tree although then in my 
infancy, I stepped up to man, and thus interrogated him : 
Hath God indeed said so 1 are you sure of it ] are you not • 
mistaken, think you? You must needs have misunderstood 
him ; for it cannot be consistent with the goodness of such a 
being as God is, to forbid your eating the fruit of such a di- 
vine tree. And as God had said, " In the day you eat 
thereof you shall surely die," I addressed myself to man 
after this manner. Die too ! nay, ye shall not die. That 
is only an empty threatening, to keep your conscience in 
awe ; for God doth very well knov/, that if you eat of that 
precious fruit ye shall be Gods, like himself, having know- 
ledge of good and evil. For this it is that he hath prohibited M 
the use of this divine tree. My brother, Fastosus, also per- 
formed wonders on this occasion. By these means I brought 
over man to my obedience. Thus I estPiblished my interest 
upon earth, and hitherto I have maintained it. With safety 
may I say that my good friends, both parsons and people, to 
this day, love me as their lives, and at any time sooner take 
the bare word of the adored Infldelis, than the word and oath 
of the God of Heaven. 

Impiator. Why sir, you began from a child to work the 
delightful works of darkness. 

In^'idelts. Yes, I am the eldest of all the Beelzebubian 
offspring, Fastosus alone excepted ; and I yield in point of 
government to none of the princes. Fastosus and I, indeed, 
have a dispute between us, concerning the extent of our 
earthly territories. I can freely allow him the pre-eminence 



OF DEVIjLS, 



39 



"with respect to his angelic dominions ; but I can never be 
brought to own that his sway over mankind is more exten- 
sive than mine, nor yet more sovereign. I yield to none in 
this debate ; for all men are included under my govern- 
ment : and what makes greatly for my mterest is, that the 
far greater part of them cannot be persuaded that I have 
any real. existence. Thus it is, my dear Impiator, I reign 
almost universally over mankind, and they perceive it not. 
Many thousands of those good people, wlio believe nothing 
of my existence, and who, in their own imagination, had be- 
lieved well all their days, have I conducted very safely down 
to the dark abodes of ever-gnawing anguish ; within which 
they were no sooner entered and began to taste of the en- 
tertainment, than they v/ere fully convinced they had never 
believed aright. It is the unparalleled dexterity of our ad- 
ministration, that all our works are performed in obscurity. 
And, let me tell thee, child, it will require a bettfi' light, 
than any natural ray of the human understanding, to trace 
and detect our deep intrigues. Thus far, with respect to 
myself and government. I shall take it kind if you will, in. 
your turn, oblige me with some account of yours, my son. 

Impiator. Yes, sir, your command shall be instantly 
obeyed ; yet upon this condition only, that you excuse my 
inaccuracies ; because I know myself to be the most illiterate 
devil of the fraternity, and cannot speak like the courtly 
Fastosus, the reverend Infidelis, or the intelligent Fala.x. 

Infidelis. No apologies, Impiator. We all know that 
neither you, nor your disciples, have any taste for learning. 
Therefore, we expect not to hear you speak as an orator, 
but as a plain, illiterate devil. 

Impiator. Then I proceed. My kingdom doth not consist 
of all the land known by the name of Impiety-Real, as some 
geographers allege, several provinces being made over, by 
treaty, to my uncle Fastosus ; such as the provinces of Ci- 
vility, Legality, Presumption and Formality. I reign openly 
only over the land called Impiety Enoruious; and in our 
country the laws are as black as the bottomless pit; for 
there iniquity is established by authority. As to the rest of 
my kingdom, it was, like all the branches of Beelzebub's 
government, accomplished by subtiity and guile. For man, 
considered simply as a creature, could never have been sub- 
jected to my sway ; for this reason I was put to my shifts, 



40 



DIALOGUES 



to find out some proper method for introducing my regal 
pov/er. 

So violent wa^ the opposition to it, that my brain was put 
to the utmost torture ; and after all I should have been 
obliged to return to my native country, with my finger in 
my mouth, had it not been for the timely assistance I receiv- 
ed from my worthy friends and relations. My good old 
mother, who, you know, hath an excellent hand at a dead 
lift, by means peculiar to herself, kicked up such a dust as 
almost put out the eyes of one of the most vigilant and for- 
midable of my numerous adversaries : a captain, from whose 
hand I had much to fear. His name was Intellectus. From 
that time to this, he hath been incapable of discerning my 
deformities, and the danger to which men are exposed by 
my dominion. And what makes very much for me, the old 
gentleman can hardiy be persuaded but his eyesight is now 
as good as ever it was. I need not tell you the advantages 
that resulted to me from this his deception. At the same 
time my worthy uncle Fastosus came up to the second, a 
sturdy chief, wiiose nam.e was Volens, as tradition says, and 
he gave his back a most dreadful w^rench, insomuch that he 
has never recovered his former posture. I myself took a 
poisonous, or rather an intoxicating apple, and having gilded 
it over with leaf-gold, presented it to the third, whose name, 
if I remember rigl^t, was Rationalis. It answered my expect- 
ation. He swariov\.ed the bait, and ever since has called 
bitter sweet, and sweet he hath called bitter. 

This triumvirate being thus disabled, I found my conquest 
extremely easy ; and, without any struggle, on the part of 
the rest, I confined tliem to incessant labor and drudgery, 
in the dixierent parts of my extended territories, where they 
are as content as possible with their condition, many of them 
believing they are still in the garden of paradise. 

Infidelis. Indeed, learned or unlearned, you display un- 
common merit. Great is my honor and happiness in having 
such a son. The potent Impiator w^ill do honor to the vene- 
rable name of Infidelis to the end of the world. Well, my 
son,'v/ill you please to proceed] 

Impiator. Perhaps you have heard tha.t my kingdom is 
divided into several cantons, according to the dispositions of 
my subjects, each canton having its proper employments. 

L There is a canton of drunkards, out of which I select 



OF DEVILS. 



41 



all my courtiers, and officers in general. This canton has 
several communications with all the other parts of my do- 
minions ; and this Vv e call the royal canton. 

2. There is a swearer's canton, a set of people the most 
unaccountably foolish of all my subjects; but a people very 
profitable to our governm^ent. 

3. There is a canton of thieves, to which all pilferers, 
robbers, gamesters, and deceitful dealers belong. A very 
populous and splendid canton this is. 

4. There is the liars' canton. These are a people possess- 
ed of two tongues ; a people who have very much of the 
features of great Beelzebub ; and a very populous and polite 
canton it is also. 

5. There is the canton of Sabbath-breakers. Here there 
is hardly room enough for the inhabitants, they are so ex- 
ceedingly numiCrous. 

6. There is the adulterers' canton. This is a very dark 
place ; seldom visited by the rays of the sun. The fornica- 
tors cohabit with them. 

7. There is the murderers' canton, the darkest and the 
most miserable place in all my dominions ; yet for all that, 
it is very well peopled. For here are ranked not only those 
who cut one another's throats, like tlie Alexanders, Tamer- 
kaies. Philips, Louises, &c. but also oppressors of every 
sort, cruel husbands and wives, disobedient children, who 
break their parents' hearts, fake friends, backbiters, and 
calumniators. Indeed all Vv'ho wanton in the unhappiness 
of their fellow creatures, like corn factors and carcass butch- 
ers : so that you see here are many inhabitants, and that too 
of considerable figure. It is Vv'orthy of observation, that all 
the cantons have easy passages fi'om one another; so that 
although the employment in each is different from that of 
the rest, they all hold communication with one another, as 
subjects of the same prince, and heirs of the same inherit- 
ance. 

Yea, so numerous are the roads that lead from one to the 
other, that if a man gets into any one of my cantons, it re- 
quires no less power than omnipotent po\^'er, and wisdom 
equal to omniscient, to extricate him from a labyrinth so dan- 
gerous. And it is well for me that it is so ; for some of my 
subjects are frequently terrified, especially those that Vvork 
in tlie deep mines, lest they dig themselves through the 



42 



DIALOGUES 



earth, and tumble into hell. But a little time discovers that 
their efforts to deliver themselves are all ineffectual ; for 
the road by which they escape from one canton, leads them 
into another equally dangerous. Many ways there are to 
throw a man down into my mines; but, believe me, if ever 
any one comes up again, it must cost the Almighty an errand 
from heaven to rescue him. I assure you, sir, that by the 
help of these subtle passages and intricate turnings, I keep 
my subjects enslaved, with as little trouble to myself as any 
master devil that ever ascended out of the bottomless pit. 
But, by the way, I am. constantly employed in planning out 
fresh measures for the slaves to pursue. Oh ! sir, the end 
will show that I give ample demonstration of my fidelity to 
my royal grandfather, Beelzebub, of whom I hold my lands 
by fief. 

Infidelis. My dear son, how it rejoiceth my aged heart 
to hear of your wise administration ! However infatuated 
your foolish subjects may be, the great Impiator lacketh not 
craftiness. By you, my son, shall my name be perpetuated 
when I am dead and gone. For I must die, my child. As 
«oon as the mighty angel shall sound the dead-awakening 
trumpet, the great, the far-famed Infidelis must resign his 
breath. Yet, be not you discouraged, laipiator; for you 
shall live for ever. You know how I fostered you in my bo- 
som, and endued you with qualifications to sit on the throne 
of Profanity, where so successfully you reign.— Permit me 
now to tell you, that knowing that I must die, I have, like 
.all other wise people, made my will, and, for your encour- 
•agement, I have appointed you, my son, with your uncle 
Fastosus, your highly honored brother Desperando, and your 
cousins Contumax and Discordans, the joint executors there- 
of, and sole heirs unto all my dominions and subjects, who, 
at my decease, are to be transported to the land of torment; 
there you shall reign in eternal triumph over them. Then 
it will be, and not before, that great Impiator shall arrive at 
the zenith of his glory. 

^ Impiator. I suppose so, sir ; for I am told that, about that 
tim6, the provinces of Civility, Formality, Presumption, Le- 
gality and Hypocrisy, so famous in the empire of Fastosus, 
are all to be annexed to my dominions, which will then be 
very extensive, and the gi)vernment of Profanity very re» 
spectable. 



OF DEVILS. 43 

Infidelis. I would ask you now, my son, for a descrip- 
tion of those famous cantons you mentioned ; but as affairs 
of importance call me hence, could not you favor me with 
an interview for this purpose, to-morrow, precisely at twelve 
o'clock ] 

Impiator. I will, sir. Fare you welL 



DL^LOGUE IV. 

FASTOSUS AND AVARO. 

Being privy to the appointment betwixt Fastosus ^nd 
Avaro, I took care to arrive in the valley time enough to 
hear all that passed. For now my business was left to shift 
for itself, and every thing gave place to the force of curiosi- 
ty, which bore down, like an inundation, every thing before 
it. If my wife consulted me in any thing, I would answer, 
"Fastosus." If m^y children told me of their progress at 
school, I would abruptly reply, " horrida Vallis !" When 
my journeymen, or apprentices, talked to me about the shop 
business, my answer was, " the great Avaro." And if they 
said any thing about my good friend, the parson, I would say, 
" Oh ! the wonderful Infidelis!" In fact, I could think about 
nothing but the devils in the valley. Therefore, I took care 
to provide myself with every thing necessary, and away I 
went to the vale of horrors, and had not long been there ere 
I saw Fastosus and Avaro come travelling towards me. And 
thus they began their discourse. 

Avaro. I am glad, very glad, sir, that you are here so soon. 
J was afraid that you would find much business at Paris, be- 
sides finishing my lady's robes. 

Fastosus. I did find more than I expected, cousin ; for T 
had no sooner finished with the m.antua-maker, than I was 
waited upon by a hatter, who begged to be informed, whether 
it was most genteel to fix the loops of a hat an inch and a 
half, or only one bare inch in depth; and whether a gentle- 
man is m.ost of a cavalier with his hat cocked in right angles, 
or with one obtuse and two acute angles. Before I had well 
satisfied the hatter, in came a gentleman peruke-maker, who 
l^umbly asked me vrhether a nobleman looks most like a 



44 



DIALOGUES 



hero when he has one, or when he has iw^o curls bobhing 
over his ears. Provoked that the gentlemen mechanics 
should suppose I had nothing to do but to cock hats, and 
adjust wigs, I wrinkled my forehead into a most majestic 
frown, and made the following answer : " Get hence, thou' 
shrinking cur. I have known a lord before now that had 
his ears so covered with tiers of curls, that he could not hear 
the commands of his superiors. The brave princes Ferdi- 
nand and Frederick of Brunswick, and the noble marquis 
of Granby, will soon break through all the redoubts of a 
barber's fortifications."* The words w^ere no sooner out of 
my mouth, than I was sent for by his grace the d — e of 

C 11, to inform him whether it was most graceful for a 

courtier to wear his hat with the front declining on the right 
or the left side of the brow. To whom I said, " Good my 
lord, you may soon resolve this difficulty, without seeking 
to the devil for advice. If your grace will only mark w^ell 
to which side of the block the hats of the vulgar incline ; 
then be sure to let the hats of the courtiers turn always con- 
trary to the vulgar method." No sooner had I satisfied his 
grace, than L — s desired to know which w^as his best way to 
keep up his character, and support his dignity in Europe, on 
the loss of his dominions in America. For answer, I refer- 
red him to good Mr. Maubert, of Brussels, w^ho hath as good 
a hand at a dead lift, as if he had been bred a priest. And 
so, cousin, wdth no small difficulty, I broke loose, and am 
come hither according to appointment. 

AvARO. By what you say, honored sir, I perceive that, 
wheresoever idleness prevails, it is not among us ; for we 
have no rest day or night, but go about plotting the destruc- 
tion of mankind. 

For my own part, I assure you, I have had but little rest 
since I saw you last ; and so very fond are mankind of my 
.counsels, that I expect but very little rest for the time to 
come. You know I was going to secrete a bag of money 
in the valley, when you and I met. This was no sooner 
done than I was waited on by a parson, who had his eyes 
upon a good living, with a view to receive directions about 
obtaining it. And he was followed by a tradesman, who 
had a desire to make a profitable break of it ; but begged 



* This was written before the coiichision of the late war. 



OF DEVILS. 



45 



directions how lie might do it honorably. I referred him to 

the goddesses Perfidia and Fallacia for instructions, as they 
more immediately preside in that department. This honor- 
able gentlem.an dispatched, I was attended by a certain cu- 
rate, who having never had inclination nor opportunity to 
examine the canons of a certain church, came to consult 
me whether it was lawful to christen a child, if the parents 
had not money enough to pay the fees. I told him, by no 
means ; for if you once begin to officiate gratis, you will 
have enough of it, and the parson's trade will be worse than 
an attorney's clerkship. The gentleman took my advice, 
being determined to seek the good of the church ; and truly, 
because the mother had not two shillings and sixpence to 
pay the parson, she could not have her son made a child of 
God, and an heir of the kingdom of heaven. 

Fastosus. Well, but cousin, is that matter of fact 1 
AvARO. Indeed, sir, it is what actually happened not five 
hundred miles from London bridge ; and there is a certain 
gentleman alive w^ho could avouch the truth of it, if he 
thought proper. 

Having dispatched the journeyman parson, I was sent for, 
in all haste, by my good friend the attorney. He, worthy 
gentleman, has undertaken a cause which, he very well 
knovv^s, can never be defended upon principles of honor and 
honesty ; but his client is a rich man, can w^ell bear fleecing, 
and therefore he could not in conscience put him aside. He 
knows exceeding well how to turn the rich man's cause to 
his own emolument, if he could but mianaoe it so as not to 
injure his own credit. That was the perplexity which he 
begged m.e to clear up. Said he, within himself, " Can I 
but get this cause to depend in chancery for a few years, 
(which by the way is the highest point in law for a despe- 
rate cause) I shall gain some hundreds of pounds by it." As 
soon as he had done his duty to me, he very humbly laid the 
matter without reserve before me. Then said I, My good 
sir, let not the suit disturb you. I will manage it both for 
your honor and profit ; never fear me. Who is he that is 
employed against you? To which he replied, "Oh ! a very 
skilful man. No less a person than the great Mr. False- 
hood, — a very eminent attorney indeed i" Come, said I, let 
him be sent for. This was dene, and the lavvyer Falsehood 
attended accordingly. 



46 



DIALOGUES 



Being both seated in my client's great parlor, the good 
man addressed Mr. Falsehood, thus, " My best friend Mr. 
Falsehood, you and I are engaged as opponents in this suit; 
both of the gentlemen are resolute, and will bear a good 
deal of fleecing ; you know what I mean, sir. Now all is 
as yet uncertain, and the issue will greatly depend upon 
the measures to be taken by you and me. I would there- 
fore, good sir, that we make it certain. If right take place, 
it will be speedily over, and we shall make but a poor job 
of it; but if it is well managed, it may produce some hun- 
dreds a-piece. My advice is, sir, that it shall hang in chan- 
cery, like a poor man's soul in purgatory. V/hat do you say, 
Mr. Falsehood 1" 

Mr. Falsehood replied, " It will never do, good sir, it will 
never do, to bring it to a speedy issue ; that is certain. But 
I'll tell you what we will do. You know that you have the 
worst side of the cause, and if I act the part of an honest 
man, you will soon be obliged to give up ; but I shall act 
the part of a skilful lawyer, which will suit both of our pur- 
poses much better. I shall give you all the advantages that 
I can, in order to keep the cause depending, until the pa- 
tience of our clients is quite exhausted, and they agree to 
put the matter to arbitration. As they are both men of reso- 
lution, by that time it v^ill be a job worth gathering." 

So having set the two worthy lawyers to drink a bottle 
to the good luck of it, I left them, took wing and came 
hither. But I can tell you, if I had not soared aloft I had 
not been here so soon ; for I saw a great number of parsons, 
lawyers, and farmers watching for me. I gave them the 
slip, however, and artfully dropt my influences upon them. 
Surely they may allow their master sometimes to converse 
with his friends. 

Fastosus. Ah ! Avaro, when we subjected man to our 
powers, we planned out a great deal of eniployment for 
ourselves : for so fond are they of us, that they will do no- 
thing, unless one or other of our fraternity preside over 
every action. 

Avaro. Sir, if it Vv^ould not be offensive to you, I should 
be glad to hear some account of your origin, and of the na- 
ture of your government. 

Fastosus. A varo, a spirit earth-born, as you are, must be 
too grovelling in his genius to understand much of m.y his- 



OF DEVILS. 



47 



tory, dominion, and operations ; otherwise, I would with all 
my heart favor you with the relation you desire. 

AvARO. Well, sir, but I am willing to learn of you, if 
you wall condescend to mstruct me. However untractable 
I am among mankind, you shall find me teachable enough 
with you. 

Fastosus. You promise fair, cousin. I love your sub- 
mission, and therefore shall begin. Observe then, I am of 
high parentage, as well as of heroic deeds. I w^as born 
in heaven, cousin. It was there that Satan the great arch- 
angel begat m.e, upon him^self ; and as soon as I was begot- 
ten, I in return begat him ; and the very moment I was be- 
gotten I was brought forth, and instantly killed my father. 

AvARO. Indeed, uncle, you start high. You told me that 
I could not understand you, and now I perceive the truth 
of it ; for really I understand not one word of all you have 
said. I hope, sir, you will condescend to explain your par- 
ables. 

Fastosus. \Yell, if you understand me not, I sliall de- 
scend low^er, though indeed, I hate to speak of my own 
affairs in a vulgar style, so as to be understood by every 
petty spirit. But as you, Avaro, are of excellent use to m.y 
operations, I shall stand upon no distance, but avoid all cere- 
mooies v/ith you. Understand me then. When God Al- 
mighty had created all the hosts of heaven, every angel was 
perfectly pleased with his station ; the most solid and joy- 
ous contentment reigned among them, and united the ethe- 
rial inhabitants, who w^ere, in those days, very num.erous. 
No one so much as wished his station altered. No one thought 
himself capable of higher felicity and preferment than he 
enjoyed. The adventurous Satan himjself, though he has 
not been blest with one moment's rest ever since I w^as born, 
before that time possessed all the sublime and refined plea- 
sures his exalted capacity w^as capable of And well might 
he be pleased with his station, seeing he w^as a mighty prince 
among the angels, next in greatness to the Son of God, w^ho 
was appointed lord-lieutenant of the creation. And a mighty 
prince in heaven he Vv^ould have continued, had he not after- 
wards become a candidate for omnipotence. As for me I 
was not born then, but I have heard old Satan, my father, 
Vvdth flames of malice and indignation darting from his eyes, 
tell ho w^ the most perfect harmony existed among the hosts 



48 



DIALOGUES 



of paradise ; until it happened that a declaration was made 
from the lofty throne, that the Son of God was predestinated, 
at a time appointed, to assume a nature inferior to that of 
angels ; and the Most High commanded that, in that natm'e, 
all the angels of God should worship the Son, even as they 
worship the Father, and that all should submit to the gov- 
ernment of the man whom God delighted to honor. 

At this instant I was begotten in Satan's alarmed breast, 
and cried out, 'Tis enough that such exalted spirits as we 
submit to him in his present unincarnate state. But wor- 
ship and submit to him in an inferior nature, let who wil], 
I will not. What does he mean ] w^ill the Almighty de- 
base his first and best, and make us subject to an inferior 
nature] No, it shall never be said, that Satan the arch- 
angel stooped so low ! The great archangel's voice was 
heard, his resolution was approved of, the standard of re- 
bellion set up in heaven, and many millions of angels, 
whose natures I had changed, joined in that day, and fell 
into the depths of bottomless perdition. Now do you under- 
stand me ] 

AvARO. I understand you pretty well when you say that 
Satan begat you ; but you say, that you begat him, and mil- 
lions of devils besides. It ran always in my head that God 
had made every devil in the bottomless pit : but if I under- 
stand you aright, you say you made them all. 

Fastosus. True, I do say so, and I will not quit an hair's 
breadth of my just prerogative. God never did, nor ever 
could, make any sinner, either angelic or human. Mind 
well what I say; for I perceive you are dull of apprehen- 
sion, and but of a shallow judgment. It was not I, but God, 
w^ho made them creatures. God created them m a holy, 
pure, and glorious state, and endued them with powers to 
preserve their primitive station, in the upper skies: but it 
was I, not God, who, from angels of light transformed them 
into devils of darkness. The very moment I was conceived, 
I changed them from light to darkness; from holiness to 
sin ; from glory to dishonor ; and thus, though not as crea- 
tures, yet as devils they are wholly of my formation. Do 
you understand me now ] 

AvARO. Yes, sir, I understand you as to that; but you 
said just now, that the moment you were brought forth you 
killed your father. Great sir, these are dark sayings. 



OF DEVILS. 



49 



Fastosus. Ay, Avaro, to such as you they are dark; 
but I'll explain them. I did not mean that I annihilated his 
angelic nature ; no, he is an angel still, although a black 
one. But I meant that I slew all his primitive disposition 
to goodness, killed the life of holiness that once was in him ; 
deprived him of the favor of God, which some people prefer 
even unto life. I made him that crooked, perverse monster, 
which you see he now is. I opened the overflowing sluices 
of divine indignation, which continually pour down upon 
him, whatever he is doing or w^herever he flies, and not 
upon him only, but upon all his adherents. Was not this 
killing him to purpose, think you] 

AvARO. Indeed it was. You had not hurt him half so 
much, uncle, if you had deprived him of being, I wonder 
that he can endure the sight of you, after all that has be- 
fallen him on your account ! You have deprived him of 
every good, and brought every evil upon liim ; and yet he 
loves you as he does his own soul. 'Tis strange ! wondrous 
strange, Fa&tosus ! 

Fastosl's. You'll tliink it stranger still, when I tell you 
that he is so far from hating me, that he will do nothing, 
either in earth or hell, amongst men or devils, but as he is 
directed and prompted to it by me. And so far is he from 
repenting of what he hath done, that he hath told me a 
thousand times, if it were to do again he would do it. No- 
thing grieves the heart of old Satan so much as this, — the 
very man whose exaltation he opposed, whose sway he re- 
sisted, and whose person he hath still in the most perfect 
abhorrence, is dignified, not only by a personal union with 
Jehovah ; but by all judgment being committed into his 
hand, and the public administration of all the affairs of liea- 
ven, earth, and hell devolving upon him. Great is his tor- 
ment, from the consideration that he, with all his adherents, 
must receive their final sentence from the same person, who, 
of all beings, he hates with the most consummate hatred, 
and on whose account he hates and seeks the destruction of 
all the creatures of God. 

'Tis a perpetual hell to him, that the object of his great- 
est aversion sitteth on the circle of heaven, and holdeth him 
continually as with bit and bridle ; limiteth his operations at 
pleasure, and sovereignly appoints his license by an unal- 
terable determination. When, through confirmed malice 



50 



DIALOGUES 



and desperate resolution, Satan struggles for larger scopej 
Immanuel gives him a check, saying, " Hitherto thou may- 
est go, but no farther." And sometimes so severe is the 
check, that the prince of darkness is quite overturned ; and 
whilst sprawling on his back, for very vexation that he can 
go no further, he rageth, and roareth louder than a thousand 
lions, so that all the arches of gloomy Tartarus resound. 
Then in the anguish of horrid despair, he bites his adaman- 
tine chains, foams at his mouth, and utters such dreadful 
blasphemies as none but himself can utter. What is the 
most remarkable of all is, that the more rapidly the torrent 
of the Almighty's wrath pours in upon him, the fonder he 
is of me, the cause of all his misery. 

AvARO. Sir, you say that Beelzebub will do nothing with- 
out your direction. If I understand this right, it is not he, 
but you who are governor of hell. Pray, sir, where are all 
his princely prerogatives then ] 

Fastosus. It is not fitting, Avaro, that you should criti- 
cise upon my doctrine. You ought to embrace it implicitly 
as I deliver it to you. 

Avaro. Pardon me, great sir ; you put me in mind of 
some of the modern parsons; for that is the very way that 
they want their doctrine to be embraced, implicitly, without 
questioning its currency. 'Tis merry enough to hear them 
exhort their hearers, to search the scriptures, to try the 
spirits, to take heed what they hear, &c. and yet after all, 
if any of their hearers attempt to bring the parson's own 
serm.on to trial by the scriptures, he is deemed a trouble- 
some, self-conceited fellow, and if he happens to disprove 
his doctrine by the scripture, he is presently dealt with, and 
excommunicated as troubler of Israel. For the parson 
would have other people's doctrine tried, and, if false, re- 
futed ; but it is impious to do so by his own. Brave days, 
Fastosus, are these ! It is quite laughable to hear the modern 
clergymen tell their hearers, that they have a right to pri- 
vate judgment, and to know the mind of God for them- 
selves ; and at the same time obliging them implicitly to 
abide by the confession of faith already authenticated. That 
is, uncle, the clergy will allow you to controvert the scrip- 
tures if you choose it; but their own articles must have 
your implicit submission. 

Fastosl^s. Well, cousin, you have fairly laughed me out 



OF DEVILS. 



51 



of my resentment, by the droll conduct of your parsons. 
However, wha.t I said, Avaro, I will maintain. It shall 
never be said that the devil, Fastosus, did at any time eat 
his words; but I v^^ill condescend to explain myself. With- 
out me, Beelzebub Vv^ould be none other than an angel; but 
mixing myself with his angelic faculties, I render Jiim a 
perfect devil. The same I do with all the rest of my in- 
fernal subjects. Beelzebub himself is but a titular prince. 
'Tis I who instigate him, that am the great devil of all. To 
tell you more, it is I who formed hell itself, as a place of 
punishment. Such is the rectitude and equity of his na- 
ture, that God never would, nor could, inflict any punish- 
ment without my intervention. He was ever guided in all 
his works by his own perfections, and therefore could never 
have, punished sinless beings. All beings would have re- 
mained sinless, but for me. So in making sin, I made the 
punishment of it. For if once sin is introduced, punishment 
ibllov/s of course ; it being as natural for sin to bring forth 
punishment, as it is for the sun to send forth light and heat. 

No being possibly can be a devil, but the being who is 
possessed and governed by me. Every being thus possess- 
ed and governed, whether angel or man, is a devil. But for 
distinction's sake, we ascribe only the plain name of fiends, 
to the angels whom I govern, and to men and women under 
my dominion, we give the names of devils incarnate, be- 
cause they inhabit bodies of flesh. The difl:erence in the 
stature of devils is not, that one is less devilish than the 
other, but their being possessed of more noble endowments, 
and more extensive qualities than others. So you see the 
devils of quality among us, are more intelligent, more sub- 
tle and crafty than devils of a vulgar race. The reason 
why Beelzebub is head over all the infernal tribes also, is 
not because he is more depraved than his adherents ; but 
because he was originally created in a more glorious sta- 
tion, possessed of endowments more exalted, and blest with 
more extensive natural powers. As such, bemg once de- 
praved, he is capable of excelling his fellows as far, in dia- 
bolical achievements, as at first he excelled them in their 
heavenly station. The samiO rule holds good, through the 
various ranks of my subjects. Were you to ask me, wdiy it 
is that devils without a body, are capable of exceeding in 
Bweet rebellion, those spirits wlio are embodied ] I would 



52 



DIALOGUES 



answer without hesitation, "Not because the one is less 
vicious, or one whit less depraved, than the other ; but for 
the following two very good and substantial reasons. 

1. Although I reign and rule in the heart of every one 
of them, yet whilst they are in the body, they are laid un- 
der particular restrictions by the Almighty ; so tha,t they can- 
not do all the evil which in their hearts I prompt them to , 
do ; and therefore they cannot be so much like Beelzebub, I 
in their actions, as they would be. Fear and shame very j 
often prevent people from gratifying their impious and un- 
clean inclinations, when a love of virtue, and the fear of I 
God, are absolutely out of the question. | 

2. Because the natural powers of man are very far infe- i 
rior to the powers of infernal spirits. The more extensive 
a man's natural capacity, the nearer he may arrive to the 
stature of Satan, if unrestrained by the grace of God. 
Hence a crafty and learned pope, is by far more like the 
devil than an ignorant, swag-bellied friar. Yea, Avaro, the 
more enlarged the capacity of either man or devil may be, 
as it makes him capable of the higher degrees of wicked- 
ness, even so in proportion to the natural abilities of both 
shall the punishment inflicted be. No wicked being is so 
capable of being wicked as the crafty and understanding 
person ; who, if he is not truly virtuous and holy, must be 
truly wicked and devilish. Hence one Hume, one Voltaire, 
is an hundred times more capable of being useful to us, 
than fifty H — w — ds, or even five times the number of 
popish priests. You may take this as a general maxim, that 
the most enlarged soul must be the most tormented, if not 
saved. 

AvARO. One may see by your learning, sir, what it is to 
be born among spirits. Why, you converse as freely and 
fluently about the nature of angels and men, as I can do 
about geld and silver coin. Great, great, sir, is your merit. 

Fastosus. How should it be otherwise, Avaro, when you 
consider the subtility of my nature 1 I am the very soul of 
Beelzebub, and all his vassals. Petty spirits may boast of 
their conquests one to another, but they must all be silent 
when courtly Fastosus opens his mouth. You, Avaro, Im- 
piator, Discordans, Sic. have all of you made as great in- 
roads upon mankind as can possibly be expected from such 
unseemly spirits as you be ; but as for me, you see I am a 



OF DEVILS. 



53 



spirit of a comely deportment, and caressed by all. Indeed 
many people are now a days of opinion, that a spice of my 
nature is absolutely necessary, in order to make them re- 
spectable in the world, and prevent the injuries which other- 
wise might be offered to them. Nor is there any who can 
discern the fatal consequences of being under my direction, 
except, those who are enlightened from above, by him Vv^ho 
was given for a light to the Gentiles. I lodge securely in 
the secret caverns of the heart, and from thence I convey 
my influence so imperceptibly through all the words of the 
mouth, and actions of the life, that you rarely meet with a 
m.an or woman, who will own that they have the least ac- 
quaiatance v/ith me ; though with many of them, the judi- 
cious beholder will easily perceive, that I am deeply con- 
cerned in all they do or say. 

AvARO. Indeed I have often heard people declare, that- 
they never saw the devil Fastosus, nor had the least ac- 
quaintance with pride. Yet, they said, a little spirit ought 
to be shown, that every one might know his proper place. 
But I perceive now, that pride itself is that same spirit 
which they deem so necessary, notwithstanding their sup- 
posed freedom from it, and aversion to it. 

Fastosus. The very same spirit, Avaro, though they do 
not know it; for I deceive them at every turn, being ca- 
pable of transforming myself into so many ditferent shapes, 
and bearing a name so suitable to each, that even when I 
lord it over tliem witli the greatest power, they remain ut- 
terly ignorant of their subjection to me. Sometimes I as- 
sume the appearance and bear the name of my avowed en- 
emy, Humility. Then you will sec people of fashion, or 
those who think themselves such, descending lower than 
their station, for no other reason than to get a good name. 
At another time you may see me transformed into the like- 
ness of Charity, and I prompt my slaves to bestow their 
alms, in order to be esteemed benevolent and generous. I 
Jiave seen a man of wealth and industry, perform such ac- 
tions with this and no other view. And he has made fiis 
poor belly to suffer for it many days to come, when at the 
same time he had his thousands out at use. Then I take 
upon me the name of Decency, and am greatly employed 
in regulating domestic affairs, descending even so low, as to 
take cognizance of meat and drink, dress and companv. 
E2 



54 



DIALOGUES 



Then you may see madam extremely diligent in persuading 
Miss Prim and Miss Stiff not to be seen in the company of 
those of an inferior station. Ere you are aware, I have got 
the pride of good breeding ; and oh ! what wonders of 
fashionable civilities I work, and forward the great designs 
of hell. At this time you'll see my lady, who having for- 
gotten the fashions prevailing about tv/enty years ago, 
when she was under forty, is as careful as possible not to 
deviate in the least from the customs of them who were 
born since she was a wife and mother. Sometimes I bear 
the name of a spirit of honor. Under this name I prevailed 
in ancient Rome, and nov/ reign over many of our Europe- 
an cavaliers. In this character I do great execution among 
the British gods at the west end of London, Vv^here the 
greatest enormities are deemed excusable, but the putting 
up with an affront an unpardonable evil. 

AvARO. There would be nothing done, in comparison of 
what there is, among mankind, if we appeared in our own 
likeness, and went by our proper names: for there are thou- 
sands that love us extremely while in disguise, Vv^ho would 
be ashamed of us, if we went by our proper names of Covet- 
ousness and Pride. As for my part, T am fain to perform all 
4y works in disguise; bearing the feigned names of Indus- m 
-y. Frugality, &c. But, sir, will it please you to give me 
some account how you first made your entrance good amongst 
mankind. 

Fastosus. I have already told you, that as soon as I was 
born, I obtained full dominion over the adherents of Beelze- 
bub ; this taught the angels of the deep that the only way 
to seduce innocent beings, was to inject my nature into them ; 
and that the seeds of pride being once sown, they could not 
fiil of most abundant fruitfulness. Man was originally cre- 
ated in a holy and happy estate, a perfect stranger to those 
evils v/hich nov/ prevail over, and reign predominant in the 
natural and mioral world. You could not have seen so much 
as one symptom of pride or covetousness, or other vice, either 
in Adam or Eve, in their primitive state. They loved with- 
out unchastity, and enjoyed without uncleanliness ; nor were 
they in the least acquainted with the racking torments of 
jealousy. No anxious thoughts, perplexing fears, nor dis- 
tracting cares, disturbed their peaceful hearts. Envy, anger, 
ehamoj and resentnient, were strangers to the new-created 



OF DEVILS. 



55 



pair, and never set foot in paradise before my arrival there. 
Their sole delight was to contemplate the beneficence of 
their God. 

Our eagle-eyed angels, when they saw the noble deport- 
ment of man, soon perceived that he was of the same na- 
ture which the son of God was predestined to assume, (for 
as some think, he might, out of love to the human nature, 
appear occasionally to the heavenly hosts in the form of 
man*) for the resisting of which decree, they Vv^ere damned 
to the depths of ever-burning hell. The first discovery Beel- 
zebub made of the blessed situation in which man vras cre- 
ated, filled his noble mind with such violent agitations of 
rage, envy, malice, and pride, that his fury burst beyond all 
bounds. He stamped and raged in a m.ost tempestuous man- 
ner; insomuch that he shook the sable firmament of hell, 
and brought his confederates to inquire the cause of his an- 
guish. A council thus convened, after the prince had a little 
recovered from the first shock of transporting rage, he related 
to them what he had discovered, concerning the inhabitants 
of Eden, and asked advice of his -senators, who, to a devil, 
vowed speedy destruction to man. Some demur there was 
respecting the plan of their operations : for the impolitic 
♦ part of the assembly, finding the smallness of their number, 
w^ere for having man assaulted by storm : but the more sage 
politicians voted for craft, as the likeliest method to seduce 
them. At last the august assembly came to this unanimous 
resolution, " That the great Beelzebub should, by certain 
means, by him to be devised, inspire them with my nature, 
nothing doubting, but if that could be done, they would soon 
declare in favor of the devil's government. 

After he had well weighed every circumstance, the arch- 
apostate undertook the enterprise ; but did not judge it prop- 
er to exercise force against them, knowning well that if their 
resistance proved equal to their power, all his destructive 
measures must unavoidably be broken, and the enterprise 
miscarry. Therefore, like a Vv'ise hero and consummate 



* Some may think that this pareiithef-is is an imppacliment of the 
knowledge of Fastosus, supposing tliat himself was ignorant, whether 
the Son of God did or did not assume the form of man in his intercourse 
with the heavenly legions. Eat it ought to be obsetvcd, that this judi- 
cious devil is relating transactions whicli v\'pre antocedeut to the time 
when he professes to ha\ e b.^cn bora. 



50 



DIALOGUES 



politician, he resolved to accomplish, by craft and snbtilty, 
what was not to be done by open assault ; nor did he think 
it advisable to address them in his own form, lest he should 
frighten them at his first appearance, and by that means render 
their seduction for ever after impracticable: but judiciously, 
concluded that the most promising method was, to assume 
the body of one of their familiar domestic animals, which 
were daily under their observation. Accordingly, after long 
consultation with himself, and strictly examining the brutal 
tribes, he possessed a beauteous serpent, perceiving that it 
was head of the reptile world, and best fitted for converse 
with man, with whom also it was more familiar than all the 
beasts beside. Thus equipped for executing the deep pro- 
jected scheme, he still acted with caution becoming the most 
consummate experience. He cared not to attack them both 
at once, lest by any means they should see through his dis- 
guise, and he should occa.sion his own repulse ; therefore 
he craftily lurked near them, and overheard their discourse, 
that he might better learn which of them was tlie weaker 
vessel. 

Being a spirit of great penetration, he soon found that the 
woman was not only the weakest but the youngest ; and 
what greatly encouraged his hope was, that the man loved 
the woman v/ith the most tender affection, a circumiStance 
very painful for him to behold. Peace being now a stranger 
to his own bosom, it Vv^as grievous for him to see the felicity 
of the human pair. In consequence of these discoveries, he 
made no attempts upon the man ; but bent all his endeavors 
to seduce the woman, not doubting, but if that could be ef- 
fected, the man vvould come of course, so strongly was he 
attached to his yoke-fellow. 

I would tell you the whole now, cousin, but I must go 
and assist my lady Gaiety to dress ; for she is to dine with 
my lord Frolic to-day. About four o'clock I'll meet you 
here. 



OF DEVILS. 



57 



DIALOGUE V. 

INFIDELIS AND IMPIATOR. 

Fastosus and Avaro had not been long gone, before I saw 
Infidelis and Impiator, stalking up to the rendezvous, and as 
they walked, thus conversing : 

Impiator. But is it possible, sir, that the papists should 
ascribe an equal, if not a greater glory to the blessed virgin, 
than to the Son of God. 

Infidelis. It is not only possible, but certain ; and, as a 
proof of it, I shall repeat to you one of their prayers to her ; 
a prayer which can by no means be offensive to any of oar 
people. " O Mary ! the star of the sea ; the heaven of health ; 
the learned advocate of the guilty; the only hope of the 
desperate ; the saviour of sinners. Thou callest thyself the 
handmaid of Jesus Christ, bat art his lady ; for right and 
reason willeth that the mother be above the son. Pray him, 
and command him from above, that he lead us to his king- 
dom, at the world's end." Here, you see, child, that although 
he was believed by his apostles to be God over all ; the papists 
have foand out a way to put him under the command of his 
virgin mother. Not only so, but they have put him under 
the command of St. Ann, reputed by them to have been his 
grandmother, as may be seen in that famous prayer, approved 
and authorized by the doctors of the Sorbonne, in Paris. I'll 
repeat the passage, being the fourth paragraph in the prayer. 
" In homage of the right and power (of mother) which you 
had over your daughter, (Mary) and of grandmother over 
her son, and of their (Mary's and Jesus's) submission, which 
they render you." Here you see he is supposed to submit 
to his grandmother Ann, as well as to be under the govern- 
ment of his mother Mary. I could tell you strange things, 
son, about the popish religion, and I intend it ere long ; but, 
for the present, I would beg of you to give me some further 
account of the different cantons of your devotees. I think 
they were seven in number. 

Impiator. I shall describe them to you, sir. And it 
would be proper to begin with the canton of drunkards, be- 
cause that is the royal canton, where I keep my court ; but 



58 



DIALOGUES 



with your good leave, I shall defer the description of it to 
the last. 

Infidelis. Son, your will is your law in this particular ; 
take whatever method your thoughts sug-gest as best. 

Impiator. Then I begin with the canton of swearers, 
the most foolish and unaccountable set of people, upon the 
face of the earth. This canton is divided into two prov- 
inces, both which are full of people. In the first province 
dwell the false swearers, and the profane swearers in the 
second. 

The province of false swearers is divided into three dis- 
tricts, the first of which is inhabited by knights of the post, 
a set of gentry who get their living by giving evidence in 
causes to which they are perfect strangers. These knights 
commonly make their court to the c — k of arr-igns, whom, 
they know, is best capable of finding them employment. It 
is not a great many years since, a gentleman, walking in 
the sessions-house, in the Old Bailey, was accosted by one 
of these knights with, "Pray, sir, do you want a witness] 
Sir, I'll serve you as cheap and as well as any man." Gar- 
diner, bishop of Winchester, formerly was a mighty pro- 
tector of this order of knights: and, at this day, our good 
friend, the father of the world, his worthy inquisitors, and 
not a few right reverend prelates, are head men in the dis- 
trict of false swearers. Many a good Christian has been 
brought to the stake, or gallows, by their assiduity, both 
among papists and pagans ; and more especially the former, 
who are far from being so honest as the latter ; and not by 
half so consistent. 

The second district is inhabited by the mercenary swear- 
ers. This is a race supposed to be descended from the 
knights of the post, and to be sure there is great likeness 
betwixt the two. The mercenary swearers w^ll buy a piece 
of goods for five shillmgs, and as soon as a buyer presents 
himself, tells him that, upon his life and soul, it cost hirn six 
shillings. When he meets with another seller of the same 
commodity, in order to obtain a good pennyworth, he shows 
him the goods for which he paid five shillings, and tells the 
stranger, that, " As he hopes to be saved, he gave no more 
than four and sixpence for it." The dealers in horses, dro- 
vers, and butchers, are singularly dexterous in this kind of 
swearing. In this district, it is a prevalent opinion, that a 



OF DEVILS. 



59 



rriati is not fit to live in the world, unless he can swear to 
a lie. 

The third division is inhabited by the foolish swearers, a 
people the most remarkably stupid of any under the gov- 
ernment of hell. Some of them are so accustomed to it 
from their infancy, that they do not so much as know when 
they swear, and are as destitute of design in the practice 
as the parrot when it scolds the chambermaid, or as many 
good people when they say their prayers at church. Others 
seem to have such a low opinion of their own probity, that 
they imagine no one will believe what tliey say, unless 
every sentence is ushered in with an oath in the van, and 
confirmed by another in the rear. Gentlemen of family, 
fortune, and fashion, are stationed in this class, and are ex- 
tremely dexterous here. Nor are the ofhcers of the fleet 
and army less learned, or devoid of those embellishments. 
The greatest part of the English officers, indeed, marine 
and military, esteem a man not fit to carry a musket, unless 
he can sv/ear a hundred oaths in a quarter of an hour, with- 
out any qualms of conscience. 

The British army so far excels in this fine art, that they 
can fairly curse the French ofi^ the field of battle, without 
ever striking a blow : so terrified are the French at the 
oaths of the English. Ay, father, I assure you, that this 
heroic practice is now so prevalent among the basest of the 
multitude, that I could pick you out a low-lifed boatswain, 
who will vie with an admiral ; and a dwarfish drummer, 
who will swear with a lieutenant-general, for any money. 
Yea, I could pick you out a fellow, who cannot procure whole 
shoes to his feet, that yet will match any nobleman or 
esquire in the land at swearing. And, sir, if honor consists 
in being adapts here, the vilest pedlar may vie with the best 
of the gentry, and the very footpad may challenge a peer 
of the realm. The canton of swearers is a very populous 
and very honorable place. Here are dukes, knights of all 
orders, marquises, and earls. And a very worshipful canton 
it is too ; for numbers of very respectable corporations, and 
many justices of the peace reside in it. 

I have often laughed to see a delinquent brought before 
a magistrate, and by him be obliged to pay two shillings for 
every attested oath, when the magistrate himself had not 



60 



DIALOGUES 



manhood enough to maintain conversation for ten minutes, 
without being guilty of profane swearing. 

Infidelis. Pray thee, my son, what are the qualifications 
requisite to a justice of the peace in thy country? 

Impiator. Two qualifications, sir, only are requisite. Thf* 
first is, that the gentleman be pretty well to live in the 
world, and the second, that he shall be an obsequious tool to 
administration. As to knowledge of the law, love to the 
people, regard to moral principles, and all such stuff*, they 
are altogether out of the question. 

I was going to say, it is a very religious canton, too, be- 
cause here you may find a considerable number of reverend 
parsons, both Papists and Protestants. As for their oaths in 
use, they are various, as the fancy of the swearers inclines 
them. Some swear by heaven, others by the God of heaven ; 
some swear by Christ, others by his blood and wounds; 
some by St. Peter, others by St. Paul ; some by St. Mary, 
others by her virginity ; some swear by the pope, others by 
his holiness, and by his infallibility ; some by the life of 
their sovereign ; some by the life of the devil, and some by 
their own lives. Some there are who swear by the church ; 
others by the liturgy and mass ; and some, for want of a 
better epithet, swear by their own eyes and limbs. 

Infidelis. Indeed, son, these are a set of as foolish peo- 
ple as one would wish to meet with. The devil himself 
would not wish them to be more foolish. One would won- 
der to see men of distinction, who disdain to conform to the 
vulgar, in other particulars, rank themselves with gypsies 
and sturdy beggars, in the most abject and unmanly prac- 
tice. Sensible people, and some there are still among men 
do not esteem a man the more for his acres or pension, but 
for his virtue and good sense ; and hence a swearing gypsy 
and a swearing gentleman are held as equally dishonorable. 
But no more of this ; I intend not to become a moralist at 
this time. 

Impiator. I assure you, profitable as they are to me, I 
am ready to crack my sides with laughing, to see how fool- 
ishly they fight and broil, curse and damn each other, and 
how ready they are to forward the devil's interest, notwith- 
standing it is to their own everlasting ruin. 

The second canton is that of thieves ; and a very flourish- 
ing canton it is, notwithstanding we every session send a 



OF DEVILS. 



61 



freight over the Stygian lake,"^ who no more return to their 
native country. This canton being very extensive, is like- 
wise divided into several lesser cantons. The first of vvhich 
contains the gentlemen thieves. A very courtly, polite, and 
fashionable set of people. Gentlemen thieves are such who 
enjoy places of honor and trust, and are not careful of their 
duty to their king and country. It is observable of them, 
that when they are out of place, they are the greatest ene- 
mies to corruption, and the staunchest friends to liberty in 
the world. They are capable of no influence, but that of 
patriotism, so long as unprovided for ; but the moment their 
happy stars m.ake them placemen, they forget their patriot- 
ism, drop their enmity to venality, and seek nothing so much 
as their own em.olument, leaving the public to shift for it- 
self It is thought that not a few gentlemen thieves live 
within a hundred miles of famous Tyburn; and some peo- 
ple farther think, it is great pity that solemn tree is not 
more frequently graced with them : but in modern times it 
is quite unfashiona.ble to hang any but the little thieves.f 
Those gentlemen having no principles, above ambition and 
avarice, to influence them, being once in place, are capable 
of being more injurious to the commonwealth, each of them, 
than an hundred highwaymen; and yet Tyburn is not hon- 

* The author lias often lamented the unhappy uiifiruely ei)(! of tlva 
malefactors hung up every sessioi! ; sometimes for thiiijrs perhiips com- 
paratively trifling, and which in themselves cannot merit so severe a 
punishment. It does not appear from Scripture or reason, that common 
th;'ft should be punished with the gallows; and especially wheri tlie 
matter stolen is of little value. Nor does it appear to be good policy to 
deprive society of a member, who might afterwards be useful, on ac- 
count of some rash and unguarded invasion of liis neighbor's property. 
Hang them once, and their services are for ever lost to the community. 
If other methods were taken, villany would be more successfully sup- 
piT^sed, and the members of society spared for usefulness. The British 
senators must needs see, that the hanging trade does not lessen the 
niimber of rogues, nor the untimely end of one leave suitable impressions 
upon the minds of others. To be bound to hard labor for the space of 
one year, would be more terrible than to be transported for seven: and 
besides, use might introduce a laborious habit, which would render steal- 
ing unnf'cessary. I am persuaded, that to a dissolute young man, who 
hates labor, to be chained to a dung-cart, or placed in sonje other servile 
station, would be more dreadful than Tyburn itself. 

t If an ingenious mechanic should die for filing a single guinea ; an 
pxtravaL^ant youth be hangeil, without mercy, for putting one in bodily 
fear, on the highway; or a vain girl, in the prime of life, be executed for 
st.^ali.ng a few yards of lace, and others plunder the nation of thousands 
With imp;inity, it .fhows that there must be a defect sumcwhere. 

F 



62 



DIALOGUES 



ored with a g'entleman thief, above once in a century, much 
to the grief of real patriots. 

Another class of gentlemen thieves, are our officers by sea 
and land, who impose upon their king and country, by false 
musters : and in a very peculiar manner those who make 
their own fortunes, (no matter whether in the East or West 
Indies) by the fatigue of their men, who are left to remain 
in their original penury. These, together with the com- 
missaries for the army, agents for regiments, &c. are all 
stationed here. 

The second subdivision is peopled by what we call the 
fashionable thieves. A prodigious populous place is this. 
Here dwell legions of attorneys; vermin, who, for five shil- 
lings' worth of labor, will charge their clients near the same 
number of pounds ; and very conscientiously take pay, for 
wilfully perverting and defeating a just cause. Here you 
may find gentlemen, who can procure witnesses to swear 
just as you would have them, and pack a jury that can give 
a clear verdict, over the belly of the most cor sistent evi- 
dence. Such a jury hath, ere now, saved a noble neck from 
the deserved cord, through the all-subduing power of money. 
To this famous division belongs the tradesman, who will 
take more from an unskilful buyer, than he knows in his 
conscience his goods are worth : a thing very common 
among dealers. Also, the wealthy gentleman, who, in buy- 
ing, will take advantage of the indigence of the seller, and 
pay, if he can, less than the real worth of what he buys. This 
practice is now so very near to universal, that tradesmen deal 
with one another, for the most part, as if they were all known 
to be rogues and cheats ; and he is the best tradesman, that 
can best guard against the villany of his neighbors. 

Here dwells the careful tradesman, who, if a man once 
owes him five pounds, would write down five pounds ten 
.shillings. This method is so much in vogue, that many 
people dare not trust their names on the tradesmen's books. 
As for my friend. Sir Roger Latepay, he has had such ex- 
perience of it, that his wood is in danger. In this fashionable 
division dwells the tradesman, who, conscious that his own 
capital is expended, supports his luxury and grandeur at the 
expense of his dealers ; and many such there be in town and 
country. The avaricious farmers, manufacturers and house- 
holders, who make their servants and mechanics work under 



OF DEVILS. 



63 



their usual wages, from the pretence of deadness of trade, &c. 
The buyer, who is conscious of his present inability, and 
spends without any probable view of being hereafter able to 
pay, dwells in the very heart of this division ; and hard by 
him dwells the father, who, to gratify a depraved taste, 
squanders av/ay his estate, to the defrauding of his wife and 
children. All of these, sir, are very fashionable people. 

The third division is that of holy thieves. That is, men 
whose theft is in holy things. By holy thieves, I mean un- 
holy men, sustaining holy offices. Such is he, who enters 
into orders, merely for the sake of a good living. All who 
climb over the v/all, and come not in by the door, are thieves 
and robbers. Thieves, because they steal the portion of the 
priests ; for, having no right to the sacerdotal function, their 
participation of the altar is sacrilegious theft. Robbers, be- 
cause they make havoc of the church, and deprive God's 
children of the food allowed them by their heavenly father. 
Here dwell shoals of popish priests, and very considerable 
. numbers of protestant clergy, of various denominations, as 
well as the total sum of pagan and mahometan mufties. 
His holiness, the pope of Rome, is indeed president in this 
I division, for he steals the prerogatives of God and applies 
them to his own private use. 

The fourth division in the canton of thieves, are those 
j whom w^e call the sporting thieves. Such are card-players, 
cock-fighters, horse-coursers, and gamblers of all sorts. I 
know of none of my sporting subjects, but what will win if 
they cam, either by upright, or inequitable means. There- 
I fore, with us it is an established maxim, that the true gam- 
: bier is the certain thief. Here too you may find princes, 
I nobles, spiritual and temporal, and judges of every rank. 
: Ha ! ha ! ha ! how have I been ready to split my sides with 
' laughing, to see an archbishop lay aside his mitre, and take 
, up a pack of cards; and the sacred judge, after having 
; passed sentence on a criminal, lay aside all his solemnity, 
i, and put on the sprightly sportsman ! Then cried I, O ! the 
I bench ! O ! the pulpit ! O ! the gambler ! 

The fifth division in the canton of thieves, is inhabited by 
i what we call fantastic thieves. A very contemptible can- 
ton this is with sensible people. Yet foolish as they are with 
I their nostrums, they make it appear, that there are people 
I more foolish than themselves; for they pick the pockets of 



64 



DIALOGUES 



the neighboring cantons very cleverly. Here dwell your 
Dafiies, Godfries, Stoughtons, Fluggers, Lowthers, Jameses, 
Turlingtons, &c. Here the famous Mr. Mountebank is 
president, and Mr. Andrew Archee is his deputy. In this 
division nothing is heard of but pills, lozenges, troches, bal- 
sams, elixirs, drops, cordials, and the ready coin ; for the 
fantastical thieves can give no credit. 

The sixth division consists of plain honest highw^aymen. 
Honest, when compared wdth many of the others ; for when 
the thieves are about to rob a man, they very honestly tell 
him their design, and stake but a few high words, and the 
mouth of the pistol, against the purse and all that is in it, 
which, notwithstanding the odds be greatly on the traveller's 
side, the highwayman carries lightly off, with the watch 
into the bargain. Whereas many of the gentlemen thieves 
carry on their work so slily, that you know not their inten- 
tion of robbing you, until long after the robbery is committed. 
O ! Tyburn, Tyburn, thou hast long groaned for such men 
as these ! 

Here too are many venerable priests, who, by pretended 
pardons, dispensations, &c. play tlie pick-pocket to great ad- 
vantage. Much could I say about this class of veterans in 
the thieving trade, were I not afraid of exciting their re- 
sentment, which would be very detrimental to my designs, 
as they lead the consciences of the laity just which way 
they please. 

Infidelis. Indeed, my son, by your account of them, tlie 
highwayman and pick-pockets are less prejudicial to society, 
than many who are held to be men of great renown. 

Impiator. Ay, sir, a thousand times, and I can tell you 
that some of the greatest names are enrolled in the annals 
of this canton of thieves. There are the Grecian and Roman 
heroes, almost in general, particularly great Alexander, 
and Julius Csesar. There is Tamerlane, there is Kouli 

Khan, there is Philip of Spain, and there is L s of France, 

who has as good an inclination to thieving as any body. 
Poor gentleman ! it is not half a century since he put forth 
his hand to pick the pocket of George king of Britain ; but 
he got his fingers most wofully bitten, before he could pull 
them in again. But what is bred in the bones Vv^ill never be 
out of the flesh ; therefore, as the English did not take care 
efiectually to secure themselves when they had it in their 



OF DEVILS. 



65 



power, they must expect further experience of French 
theft. 

Infidelts. One would have thought that the English have 
had so many instances of royal theft, from that quarter, that 
they would, have effectually prevented future danger from 
thence. Nor are our good friends the Spaniards less in- 
clined to the thievish practice than their neighbors. Wit- 
ness Peru and Mexico, those once opulent and populous 
kingdoms, which now belong to them, in the same manner 
as the purse of gold belongs to the highwayman, who took 
it from the gentleman whom he murdered. 

Impiator. Ay, sir, great thieves are abundantly more 
hurtful to mankind, than thieves of a dwarfish size ; though 
famous Tyburn, and the places akin to it, seldom have the 
honor of ushering them into the other world. 

The third canton is the liars' canton, a people with double 
tongues, and of the nature of an otter, amphibious. The 
great Beelzebub is grand president here, but is represented 
by two fimous deputies, namely, the artful Mahomet, and 
the good old gentleman at Rome. Of the two, the latter 
is most in favor at court, because Beelzebub says, he is so 
very much of his ov/n image ; altliough, it must be owned, 
Mahomet bears a very great resemblance. Ail the holy 
fathers, my lords the inquisitors, with their assistant famil- 
iars. All the venerable patriarchs, and princely cardinals, 
reside in the metropolis, near the exchange, in the principal 
street, which is a straight thoroughfire to hell. The bishops, 
of both ranks, are stationed next to them, and greatly facili- 
tate the journey of passengers. The very populous suburbs 
are inhabited by the sons of St. Ignatius ; than w^hom, none 
are more excellent at the arts of lying and evasion. And 
here too are abundance of friars, of every order, who, though 
less crafty than the .Jesuits, are very diligent in the great 
work of deceit. In this country, politeness and learning 
have arrived at the greatest perfection. Here are abundance 
of courtiers, and statesmen, besides atheists and deists, 
highly esteemed by our people, for their learning and sense. 

The famous court liars are like a dead fish. They al- 
ways swim with the stream of power. They are for or 
against stamp-acts, and general warrants, just as the senti- 
ments of their superiors direct. They are Protestants, or 
intolerant papists, or neither, just as their prince is inclined, 
F2 



66 



DIALOGUES 



or as their own interests require. Tiieir consciences are 
tender as a willow, and will turn any way with the appli- 
cation of a purse of gold, a place, a pension, or a peerag-e. 
When it serves their low and base purposes, you will find 
them patriots ; but if the good of the nation clashes with 
their sinister views, you may find them traitors either to 
church or state, or to both. Of this class were Bonner and 
Gardiner, zealous Protestants in the days of Edward the 
Sixth, and bloody papists in the reign of his sister of scarlet 
memory. To this class also belonged Sharp, the archbishop 
of St. Andrew's ; for it was not conviction, but gold, that 
changed his sentiments from presbytery to prelacy. All the 
arguments which my lords, the bishops of England, had ad- 
vanced, made no more impression upon him, than an arrow 
would have made upon a rock of flint ; but when his majes- 
ty came, in a rhetorical manner, to press him home with a 
heavy purse of gold, a coach and six, and a bishopric, he 
was quite confounded, and had not a word to say for mother 
kirk of Scotland. Such court arguments as this, sir, stop 

the mouths of many a patriot ; Lord C m is a recent 

proof of this. Such was the force of his elocution that it 
could gain battles, subdue states, reverse laws, and make 
placemen tremble, until he was unhappily confounded by a 
place, a pension, and a peerage ; and now, poor gentleman, 
he has nothing left to gratify his ambition, but the melan- 
choly reflection of what he once was. 

There is another herd of court liars, (excuse the phrase, 
sir, because it is the common opinion, that of all vermin, 
court liars are the most detestable) who fawn like a spaniel 
upon every prince that ascends the throne, in order to in- 
gratiate themselves into his favor, thereby to make sure of 
their own emolument. If the manners of the prince are 
ever so dissolute, they caress him as their most wise and 
amiable monarch. Thouo-h he were as much of a dastard 
as Sardanapalus, they will persuade him that he will vie 
with Hector for magnanimity. If he is a drunkard, or glut- 
ton, they will flatter him with his temperance ; or represent 
his luxury as a princely virtue, very becoming a royal per- 
sonage; even if one half of his subjects be famishing for 
want of bread. Some of those court liars will tell their 
prince, that it is no crime at all for him to enter his neigh- 
bors territories, and murder twenty or thirty thousand of 



OF DS\ ILS. 



67 



his subjects, though there is really no cause s'iven on their 
part, for the hostile invasion. Some such viUians precipi- 
tated Lewis of France into a war with Britain, which Vv^ould 
infallibly have proved his ruin, had he not been w^ell be- 
friended by some people near St. James's. 

A truly patriotic courtier is a strong* pillar to the throne ; 
but court liars are the destruction of that prince whose ear 
they govern. 

It is my opinion, that a prince has need either to be a 
very wise man himself, or to have very honest men about 
him. Happy is that nation, who has a wise and prudent 
king, and at the same time honest and faithful ministers. 
Earthly thrones are so infested with fawnuig flatterers ! 
that if the prince is not very well acquainted w^ith his Bible, 
it is difficult for him to know, whether he is virtuous or 
vicious. 

Infidelis. That is a book in little esteem. Great men 
are for the most part too polite to trouble themselves with 
its contents, because they are so unfavorable to their prac- 
tices. 

Tmpiator. True, and by those means princes are the 
more readily deceived. For a mitred courtier may, per- 
haps, tell his prince, that it is lawful for a royal personage, 
to debauch the wife or daughter of one of an inferior rank, 
but unlawful for a plebeian ; notwithstanding his spiritual 
lordship knows very well, that V\'hen God said, " Whore- 
mongers and adulterers I will judge," he e?:empted not the 
prince any more than the peasant; for v/ith him there-is no 
respect of persons on account of their worldly dignity. 

Another right reverend courtier tells his prince, that it is 
allowable enough in him, on the Sabbath, after the irksome 
service is over at church, to divert himself with a quiet, 
civil game at chess, quadrille, or whatever his pious incli- 
nation leads him to; and that it may be lawful for some fa- 
vorite nobility to assist at the sport ; but, says he, it is utter- 
ly unlawful for the husbandman and low^ mechanic ; though 
the downy doctor knows well enough, that when the Al- 
mighty sanctified the Sabbath, it was not a part only, but 
the whole Sabbath he intended. 

Infidelis. Well, Impiator, whatever license the right 
reverends allow at court, their sable brethren in the coun- 
try are not less induioent; for in most parishes in England, 



68 



DIALOGUES 



the people may swear or pray, get drunk or communicate, 
go to church or stay at home, get to heaven or hell, just as 
their inclination leads them, for any concern his reverence 
the parson gives himself, provided always he is not cheated 
of his dues. 

Impiator. I know I am well befriended by many clergy- 
men. But to return to the prince, I assure you I have often 
thought that, of all men, it is the greatest difficulty for him 
to be a good man, and get safe to heaven : he has so many 
about him, who are base enough to commend even his vices, 
and but very few who love him well enough to correct his 
errors. But if I become a moralist now, you'll suppose I 
act out of character. However, though many have exhaust- 
ed all their wit and good nature upon the court liars, they 
are still the same, they lie as fast as ever for the sake of 
money, estates, high places, &c. : therefore some people call 
them mercenary liars. 

But many of the inhabitants of this canton are less ambi- 
tious, and will very freely tell lies for a penny gain ; amongst 
those are the travelling tradesmen, who carry their shops 
upon their backs. Them we call the petty dealers, and the 
humble liars. But we have others more generous still, wlio 
will give you a lie fresh from the mint, with no other view 
but to raise a laugh. These we call the merry liars, be- 
cause they go lauiyhing to hell. Others we have, who stand 
in the capacity of god-ftthers and god-mothers, who very 
roundly promise and vow to do, for the child, what they 
never intend to perform. Some people call them the fool- 
hardy liars. Next to them reside a very venerable tribe, 
called by the name of reverend liars. Reverend, because 
in holy orders; and liars, because they tell my lord bishop, 
that they are moved by the Holy Ghost, to take upon them 
the office of a deacon, whereas they are moved by the hope 
of a good living, not knowing that there is such a being as 
the Holy Ghost ; and deeming it enthusiasm to profess to be 
moved by him. When once put into orders, and a benefice, 
those worthy gentlemen rave against all who profess to be 
influenced in their devotion, by the Holy Spirit, as fanatics, 
enthusiasts, and madmen. Now, either my good friend the 
parson lies to my lord bishop, or his congregation ; but the 
truth is, he lies to both. 

The fourth canton is, tliat of sabbath-breakers, which is a 



OF Dx«:VILS. 



69 



very populous, polite and opulsnt canton indeed. The far 
greater part of the nobility, and other gentlemen of rank 
and fortune, reside here. They are too well-bred to wor- 
ship God on Sunday, in public or private. They scorn to 
suppose themselves indebted to the Almighty for life, and 
breath, and all things : or to be accountable to him for tiie 
use they make of their time, estates, and talents. They 
leave it to the low-lifed mechanics, to go to church or meet- 
ing, or when there, to be devout, and take notice of what 
they are about. Let the parson talk about heaven, or hell, 
or what they v/ill, they are unconcerned, never once sup- 
posing themselves endued with immortal souls. 

There is my good friend, my lord Timelagg, a nobleman 
of the first distinction; he is so taken up through the week, 
with contriving how to provide for himself and his creatures, 
that he is in no condition to go to church on Sunday, but 
chooses some convenient part of it for an airing, either in 
the coach with my lady, or on horseback with his cousin, 
'squire Idle. Mrs. Housekeeper also is very closely em- 
ployed in preparing tea and chocolate against their return. 
Mr. Steward is very busy in preparing his rent-rolls, studi- 
ously contriving how to extract an estate for himself, out of 
his master's, so that he cannot go to church at any rate. 
The footman, and my lady's woman must needs attend their 
master and mistress ; the coachman and postilion must 
guide the machine; the butler and groom must be within 
call, one to take care of the horses, and the other to furnish 
with claret or champaign ; so that the minister is very little 
obliged to his lordship for finding him an auditory to preach 
to. 

The London tradesmen come up as near to his lordship's 
example as their circumstances will admit of Their sp-rits 
are quite exhausted with the fatigues of weekly business ; 
therefore, instead of leading their families duly to church, 
you may meet squadrons of them every Saturday night and 
Sunday morning, going to regale themselves with a Sun- 
day's pleasure, which consists in eating, carousing and 
riding. 

Then there is your sabbath-day visitors; very genteel 
people. The tea-table gossips are much concerned here: 
you may find hundreds of tables, the conversot'on of v^^hich 
IS supported at the expense of the reputation of some absent. 



70 



DIALOGUES 



For it must be observed that our gossips are so absolutely 
destitute of innate ideas, and are such perfect strangers to 
the affairs of civil life, that they cannot support conversa- 
tion five minutes at a sitting, but by the help of slander. 
Hence some people have said, that slander is the very soul 
of conversation. And sure enough, if you pick out all the 
slanderous expressions from the conversation of our gossips, 
you will have but a very scanty fragment remaining. 

There are others so given up to indolence, that they keep 
great part of the Sabbath in bed, on a couch, or in the easy 
chair. These people are so exceedingly opprest with the 
weight of their own bodies that they can attend at neither 
church nor chapel, although active enough the other parts 
of the week : and yet they are good Christians, and hope to 
go to heaven when they die. And yet they seldom think of 
any thing but living for ever ; in order to which they eat, 
drink, and sleep away the sabbath. These go by the name 
of lazy sabbath-breakers ; and all who are employed the 
whole morning, in preparing superfluities for dinner, live 
along with them. 

Another class of sabbath-breakers consists of the petty 
dealers, who buy or sell commodities, for back or belly, on 
the sabbath day. We call them the mistrustful sabbath- 
breakers, because they cannot trust God with their customers ; 
and slothful sabbath-breakers, because they do not provide 
for their families, on the six days appointed for labor. Eng- 
land, w^ith all its bravery, is horribly disgraced by a set of 
profane people, such as grocers, chandlers, butchers, barbers 
and bakers, who will not miss the taking a penny on the 
sabbath, any more than another day. Besides them, there 
are tailors, mantua and shoemakers, who, with their late fin- 
ishes, make great encroachments on the sabbath, and that in 
the most open manner. 

Infidelis. I thought in England, the law had made pro- 
vision against such enormous breaches of the sabbath. 

Impiator. Yes, the laws do indeed make provision for 
the suppression of such vices: but I have the pleasure of 
seeing the enforcing of those laws, very often left with peo- 
ple who are entirely devoted to my interest ; so the laws 
are frequently asleep, when I am awake and upon my rounds. 

But there is another tribe against whom there is no hu- 



OF DEVILS. 



71 



man law. I mean the' thinking sabbath-breakers ; a careful 
industrious set of people, esteemed by all and known but to 
few. They are constantly employed through the week, and 
are glad of the sabbath's approach, that they may repair 
their bodily fatigue, and give a free scope to their plodding 
minds. When they awake on the Sabbath m.orning, they 
are deeply conteniplating some transactions of the past week, 
or concerting measures proper to be followed in the ensuing. 
Nor does the man alter his subject when he goes to church. 
No, he is quite uniform. Try him, and you will find him 
all of a piece. Let the parson choose what subject he will, 
the other sticks to his text ; so that it often happens when 
the minister thinks his auditory is collected, and the bulk of 
his parish appear at church, he is mistaken ; for the greatest 
part of those whom he thinks to be present, are only there 
in appearance ; their minds, their better part, being absent 
on other occasions. 

For instance, the parson sometimes thinks that he sees 
'squire Folly and madam his lady, in the front pew of the 
right-hand gallery : but he is mistaken ; for only their bodies 
are there ; their minds are absent. As for the 'squire, he is 
busy chasing the hare or fox, over all the hedges and ditches 
in his manor ; and his lady is mentally at this ball, or the 
other assembly ; or at this play or the other opera ; or per- 
haps she is cheapening silks, at Mr. Cant's, silk-m.ercer, on 
Ludgate-hill. 

Sometimes the merchant seems to be at church : however, 
he is only there in body, his soul having sailed in the good 
ship Bonadventure, to buy slaves on the coast of Guinea, or 
barter goods at Bengal or Malabar. The mercer, draper, 
and grocer, seem sometimes to be there ; but frequently it is 
an imposition : for although their bodies may indeed be pres- 
ent, their souls are gone on a journey, to visit their custom- 
ers, or left at home, in the counting-house, balancing their 
books, or examining their tradesmen's bills, that they may 
know with whom they can deal to the greatest advantage ; 
perhaps issuing forth a capias against 'squire Latepay, a 
gentleman well known to those dealers ; or it may be, the 
soul is busy, entering protests against certain extravagant 
manufacturers. 

As for the industrious farmer, you may well think he 



72 



DIALOGUES 



has something else to employ his mind, than either sermon 
or prayers ; for it must needs require much thought and 
forecast to determine right, where to sow his wheat, where 
his clover, and what land to set apart for hemp, how to dis- 
pose of his young colt, and the gray horse, who is in danger 
of losing his eyes. And he, good man, hath found from long 
experience, that he can contrive better at church than any- 
v\7here else ; and being willing to thrive in the world, he 
will let slip no opportunity proper for advantageous consid- 
eration. 

But I can tell you, sir, if the people so frequently put the 
cheat upon their parson, he in his turn retaliates upon them ; 
and many times when the congregation flatter themselves 
that they see the parson in, and hear his voice from the 
pulpit, they are mistaken ; for it is only his body, his soul 
being attending the levee of this nobleman, or the other 
bishop, making his court for a fatter benefice. These, sir, 
are some of the thinking sabbath-breakers. 

Then there are the mad sabbath-breakers, a set of the 
very dregs of humanity ; and yet by some means or other 
their impious practices are connived at, notwithstanding in- 
terdicted by all laws divine and human. Such are our pel- 
let throwers in Yorkshire and Durham ; our foot-ball tossers, 
who are found all over the nation ; our leapers, runners, 
^ tavern-haunters, and all of every denomination, who exer- 
cise themselves in any sport on the sabbath, are stationed 
along wath the mad sabbath-breakers. 

Last of all these are our religious sabbath-breakers, a dis- 
trict that is formed of party zealots and self-seekers, both 
preachers and hearers. As for the former, their doctrine is 
various. One man preaches the pope, another preaches the 
councils. One preaches St. Dominick, another St. Francis. 
One preaches episcopacy like the great Sacheverel, another 
preaches presbytery, as the only way of salvation. One 
preaches up mankind in general, and another preaches his 
own personal endowments in particulars ; but as for preach- 
ing Jesus Christ, that is quite foreign to their purpose, and 
Is therefore left to be performed by others. Thus, sire, you 
have had a view of the canton of sabbath-breakers. 

Infidelis. And a noble canton it is, my son, both rich 
and populous, of great service to us, and vast enlargement 



OF DEVILS. 73 

to the territories of Beelzebub. How illustrious is the throne 
of great Impiator ! I long to have a description of the rest 
of your kingdom, but for the present I must be gone, my 
son. Will you please to give me the meeting here to-mor- 
row morning ] 

Impiator. I will, sir. Adieu. 



DIALOGUE VL 

FASTOSUS AND AVARO. 

Privy to the appointment betwixt Fastosus and Avaro, I 
resolved to stay their coming, and had not been long before 
I saw them at a distance, walking up the valley towards 
me. Arrived at the usual place of conference, Fastosus 
struck twice with his rod on the earth, and instantly there 
arose two thrones of the blackest ebony, one of which he 
occupied himself, and the otlier was filled by his cousin, 
Avaro. Thus enthroned, Fastosus opened the conversation, 
whilst I seized my pen, and sat eager to catch the fleeting 
sound. 

Fastosus. You know, Avaro, Vv^hen we parted in the 
m.orning, I was going to assist my lady Gaiety, to dress for 
her visit to my good lord Frolic. I went accordingly, and 
hard work I assure you we had of it. As soon as I appear- 
ed before the toilet, I received orders to render myself in- 
visible, and not to depart the room, that I might be in readi- 
ness to adjust the head-dress, and bosom ornaments. Yes, 
madam, said I, I will give your ladyship due attendance. 
With that I rendered myself invisible to her, but continued 
visible to all other beholders. So to dressing we went. 
First we ornamented the feet, which was attended with 
very considerable difficulty. It cost us several tyings and 
untyings before her ladyship was pleased with her own 
foot. At last, having finished the feet, and my lady viewed 
them several times in every position, we proceeded to other 
parts of the important work. First we did and then we 
undid every part of the finery. But our hardest work about 
the head and bosom was, how to put one as much as po^ible 
G 



74 



DIALOGUE'S 



out of its native form, and to expose the other so as to make 
sure of attracting the eyes of beholders. Monsieur Fris- 
seur, who was our assistant, gave it as his opinion, that to 
come up to the very zenith of the mode, it was necessary 
she should bear an head as much as possible in resemblance 
to a ram without horns ; and Mrs. Prude,, my lady's woman, 
told us plainly, that Mrs. Pander, whose province it is to 
establish female customs, had expressly declared, every lady 
worth above one hundred a year, ought, in a full dress, to 
wear her bosom quite naked. My lady is adorned with ex- 
cellent hair ; but it will not serve her except it bear a look 
the most unnatural possible. Her skin, fair as alabaster, we 
were obliged to daub with patches, the color of Beelzebub's 
coat, as a token of her loyalty to the black prince of the 
nether regions. But how to place these patches was a ques- 
tion of no ordinary concern, and hardly resolved at lasi 
Fu'st we tried one large patch on her chin ; but my lady 
soon perceived, that it hid the beauteous dimple, which na- 
ture had there impressed, and therefore it was presently re- 
moved. Then v/e tried hov/ the cheek w^ould answer ; but 
alas ! it obscured the lively rose, which is a native there, 
and which my lady takes great delight to view in her glass ; 
on tliis account we exempted the cheek from the burden. 
At last, after much anxiety, and very serious consideration, 
it was resolved that w^e should fix it on the middle of her 
forehead, resembling the eye of a cyclops, and put a little 
one, on tlie left side of her chin, bearing the likeness of a 
mole. However, it cost several trials wnth them in both 
places, ere the patches would lie agreeably to her ladyship's 
fancy. 

AvARO. Ah ! Fastosus, if the ladies only knew how ridic- 
ulous they make themselves look in the eyes of the judi- 
cious, they would be very loth thus to deform their native 
beauty. What delicate beauty ! what perfect comeliness do 
we see rendered disagreeable and ridiculous, by these trans- 
formations ! And how can they be but disagreeable and ri- 
diculous, w^hen all the decorations of nature lie concealed, 
and nothing appears but the manufactory of art, that great 
sopplanter of nature? Such ladies are certainly greatly de- 
ceived by you, Fastosus ; for the end proposed by all those 
metamorphoses is to render themselves agreeable to the 
gentle'nen, whereas they produce the contrary effect Art 



OF DEVIL'n 



75 



can never beget love. Tliis is nature's work alone. Art 
may indeed excite lust; but nature alone begets that love 
which a virtuous lady would strive to obtain. It 1^ strange, 
Fastosus, that nature has so little, and aiFectatioO such great 
concern among people of fashion as at this *'\ay. Well, I 
hope you pleased her at last ? 

Fastosus. Yes, yes, I hope I did ; but my work did not 
end with madam: for JMrs. Prude, her woman, who was 
assisting us in the equipment of her lady, and often put her 
tongue into her cheek, and bit her lip, to prevent her laugh- 
ing out, and when she saw her mistress's vanity, as soon as 
[ had done with her lady, beseeched me that I would put a 
few pins into her clothes, because she was to attend her 
mistress to lord Frolic's ; and, notwithstanding my patience 
was almost spent before, I was obliged to sta}^ ever so long, 
pinning and unpinning her ; for Mrs. Prude affected the fine 
gentlewoman, a.lmost as much as her mistress. 

But what vexed me worse than ail the rest was, just as I 
got to the bottom of the stairs, to m.ake m.y escape, the cook 
maid caught me in her greasy armiS, and begged me to as- 
sist her to dress herself in her half-holiday clothes, as her 
sweetheart was to take the advantage of her lady's absence 
to come and visit her. I could not deny the girl, because I 
thought she really had need of considerable amendment, be- 
fore she presented herself to her lover. So after we had 
pinned and unpinned a considerable time, I burst through 
the casement, to avoid the importunit}^ of the laundry and 
chamber maids, whom I saw coming. Thus I gave them 
the slip ; for those ladies and their female attendants, would 
drudge any devil in hell off his feet, might they have their 
own way. But I am right glad that I am com.e hither fi*om 
among them, 

AvARO. Then, sir, I perceive with all your greatness, you 
have no objections to assisting a waiting woman or a cook- 
maid occasionally. 

Fastosus. No objection at all, cousin. The soul of a 
waiting woman will fill a vacancy in hell, as well as that 
of her lady. The difference is this ; the lady of honor is ca^ 
pable of drawing mxore to hell along with her, than her 
waiting woman can ; therefore I choose to make sure of the 
mistress, and for the most part the maid comes along by her 
example. But a,s soon as we get them safely inclosed with- 



76 



DIALOGUES 



in our fla^ming prison, we let them see we are no respecters 
of persons ; for the mistress and her maids, my lord and his 
valet, the 'squire and his groom, have all the same apart- 
ment allotted to them, feed all at the same table, drink of 
the same cup, and are served by the same devil, whom they 
never find to be sparing of his liquor; but to serve tn^m 
plenteously, though nnich contrary to their inclinations. 

AvARO. That doctrine you unpreach when you attend 
upon them, Fastosua You Vv^isely keep your thumb upon 
that. And indeed it is well so to do ; for comiely as your 
appearance is, they would discard you else. Serious thoughts 
of futurity would spoil all our sport, uncle. 

Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, I am not such an half-wit as 
to tell my lord, that his riches and grandeur, if not duly im- 
proved, will sink him lovv^er in the bottomless abyss than 
the rustic plebeian ; nor am I such an inconsiderate devil, 
as to tell hnn that his hunting, hawking, horse-coursing, 
cock-fighting, card-playing, drinking, swearing, whoring, 
&c. are the broad way to never-ending torment. Neither 
do I foolishly tell my lady, that balls, assemblies, plays, &c. 
are the rosy paths which lead m^ost infallibly to ruin. No, 
no, let me alone for that; I warrant me I can keep my 
counsel well enough ; and as for them they will find all out 
at last, v/ithout any instruction. 

AvARO. If I remember right, Fastosus, when we parted 
last, you were relating the manner in which you made your 
entrance good amongst men, I should be glad, sir, if you 
will be so obliging as to finish that account. 

Fastosus. i purpose it, Avaro. You may remember I 
told you that great Beelzebub, having discovered the woman 
to be the weaker vessel,' he made no attempts upon the vir- 
tue of the man, but resolved, by all means, to seduce the 
womo.n ; not doubting but she would bring over her husband 
to our interest along with her. It happened one night that 
Adam had a dream, ominous of our conquest, which made 
liira very fearful, lest any part of his, or his wife's conduct, 
should promote the dire event ; therefore he reasoned with 
her, concerning their duty to their Creator, gave her the 
strictest charge to keep out of the way of temptation, and 
v/ithal informed her, that he w^s not without his fears, even 
upon her account. But she, for her part, just as the devil 
would have it, resolved to separate herself from her hus- 



OF DKV 



77 



band that day, wliich sh" had ticycit dono Lctbro. Whether 
she thought to endear herself "more to hiii], by letting him 
see how well she would resist temptation, if any should of- 
fer, or took it rather ill to be under his tutorage, I pretend 
not to say; but, maugre all his entreaties, she Vv^ould go 
forth, by herself, into a distant walk, to ga^ther some deli- 
cious berries, for an innocent repast for her and her lord, at 
^noon. 

This was an opportunity just to Beelzebub's wish, and he 
took care to improve it to advantage. I told you before, that 
previous to this, he had possessed the body of a beautiful 
snake, in those days man's familiar dom.estic ; and now find- 
ing Eve at a distance from her husband, the serpent discov- 
ered himself to her, and with more than animal gestures 
attracted her eye. Captivated with its unusual motion, she 
stood ravished v/ith its beauties, and admiring its agility. 
As it drew near to her, she put forth her gentle hand, stroked 
its skin, and the subtle animal, after its manner, returned 
the compliment, by laying its shining head on her lap. Their 
station was near to the tree of knovvdedge of good and evil, 
upon which the forbidden fruit luxuriantly hung. To this 
tree the serpent frequently looked, with all the languish- 
ment of ardent desire, until once he made sure that the wo- 
man observed it. " Lie still, thou pretty creature, said she, 
(stroking it.) what makes thee look so earnestly at that pro- 
hibited fruit]" "Ah! thou fair goddess, returned the ser- 
pent, I have good reason to admire the sovereign virtue of 
that delicious tree : for I was created only in a brutal sta- 
tion, without consciousness of mind, or the use of my tongue ; 
until, being on my thoughtless ramble yesterday, I chanced 
to espy this amazing tree, whose fi'uit hangs in such luxu- 
riance. After a short pause, such as a brute may be capa- 
ble of, I climbed up the tree, and began to feast on the mos'. 
delicious fruit that ever was eaten. .Toyful at my happy 
fite, I soon became sensible of a self-conscious mind, capa- 
ble of discerning between good and evil. Soon my tongue, 
which before cleaved to the roof of my mouth, was untied, 
and I could express sentiments of joy in the most rational 
manner. And now, when I met vrith yon, I was going to 
renew my repast on the fruit of that sovereign tree." 

Av.uio. Oh, Fastosus ! The most subtle schemxe that ever 
G2 



78 



DIALOGUES 



was heard of! Well, this may be spoken to the honor of . 
Beelzebub, when I am dead and gone. 

Fastosus. Well, but Satan did not then know of the 
happy consequences that have since arisen from this affair, 
to some part of the human race. However, having laid his 
snare with all the subtilt^/ he was master of, he thought it 
well to assault the pure mind of Eve Vv^th unbelief* He 
asked her, if the reason why she was so divinely beautiful, 
was not her feeding often upon the fruit of that so sovereign 
a tree 1 The woman answered, " No, we have never so 
much as once tasted of it, but invariably observed the com- 
mand of our Creator, who hath put us into this garden, and 
said unto us. Of every tree of the garden ye may freely 
eat, but the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and 
evil, ye may not eat ; for in the day ye eat thereof ye 
©hall surely die.'' To whom the serpent. " Indeed ! Did 
he really say so ? Are you not mistaken, think you 1 Die 
too ! Why am not I dead then, I who have eaten of it so 
plenteousiy '? No, no, you shall not die. That is only an 
empty threatening, to keep you in subjection to him^ ; for he 
very well knows, that tlie moment you eat thereof, you shall 
be like himself, knowing good and evil; no longer be m.an 
and woman, but become gods." 

The wom.an replied, *^ Ay, but my pretty creature, how 
shall I know that I shall be a goddess, if I should venture 
to eat of that desirable fruit?" "Knov/! said the serpent; 
you may easily know it, if you consider that, if I, who \\'as 
created only a brute beast, am by eating the fruit of tliis 
tree, exalted to hnmsnity, you, who are more than half a 
God already, shall certainly, by so doing, be exalted to real 
divinity." With these words he injected into her bosom 
some seeds of m}^ nature, Vvdiich fermented to that degree, 
that nothino- would now serve her turn but to be deified. 
Sagacious Beelzebub, perceiving the uproar I had made in 
her mind, introdaced all the train of real vices, which now 
infect the human species ; subjected her whohy to his sway; 
and she, as his instrument, could have no rest until she got 
her husband^s neck also last in Beelzebub's yoke. 

. Thus vv^as pride first introduced into the terrene creation ; 
and thus w^as m.an subjected to my povv^erful sway. Being 



OF DEVILS. 



79 



brought forth in the heart of man, I arrived instantly at full 
growth ; involved them in sorrow ; enveloped them in blind- 
ness and ignorance ; and instead of that happiness and dig- 
nity which Beelzebub had promised them, of becoming gods, 
I brought forth in them trusty Shame, the elder born of my 
earthly family, and he, as a spirit of great povv^er, made 
Adam and Eve fly to a thicket, to hide themselves from the 
presence of an offended God. Instead of becoming gods, I 
transformed them into the image and likeness of father 
Beelzebub, in which im^age they begat and brought forth 
their children. It was now that I begat the lovely Dis- 
cordans ; to us the m.ore lovely because he is anti-natural. 
Ko sooner was he born, but he sounded a trumpet, and cried, 
" To arras ! to arm.s Then you might have seen the rhino- 
ceros and elephant, the eagle and dragon, the lion, panther, 
and wolf, appear in all the fury of martial spirit, and pro- 
claim an eternal war against one another : nor were Adam 
and Eve exempted from domestic uneasiness then]selves. 

AvARO. All this worked just as the devil would have it ; 
and greatly enlarged the territories of hell, by annexing 
earth to the infernal crown. Well, uncle, I perceive, by 
your account, that you are the father of sin, in the mind of 
both angels and men. 

FASTOsrvS. True, Avaro, I am ; and so well is my pov;er 
established, that I am the very last that shall be subdued, 
and rooted out of the hearts, even of those that hate m.e, 
and who at last shall be delivered from, m.y yoke. This is 
true, cousin, whether you believe it or not; and I assure 
you, that I have the pleasure of giving many a painful heart- 
pang, even to those who curse my name and nature. But 
to my story, cousin. I manifested my powerful sway over 
man, in the case of my faithfdl servant Cain ; not only in 
his bloody revenge against his brother Abel, Vv'ho had re- 
volted from our government, but in making him despair un- 
der his punishment. 

I triiimphed gloriously over the inhabitants of the ante- 
diluvian v^orld, who, for miy sake, scorned to submit to the 
commandm.ents of God, resolving to be guided by the 
thoughts of their own hearts, all of which Vv-ere inspired 
by me; therefore every thought and im^agination of the 
heart was only evil continually. I wrought them, up to such 
a degree of rebellion, that the Almighty resolved to bear 



80 



DIALOGUES 



with them no longer, but to sweep them away with the be- 
som of destruction ; yet he would not do it without giving 
them proper warning, and calling them to repentance and 
reformation. One Noah, a famous preacher of righteous- 
ness, was the instrument raised up, on this occasion; and to 
be sure the man preached faithfully and fervently : but I 
had the pleasure of hardening the people's hearts to that 
degree, that he met with nothing but abuse for his pains. 
Every body accounted him to be a frantic enthusiast, fanatic, 
or Methodist ; until the divine patience was quite worn out, 
and their destruction came upon them by a deluge, which 
swept them all from the face of the earth, except this same 
Noah and his family ; and for my part I do not remember 
a time, on which hell had so many visitants at once as then. 

AvARO. But how could Noah and Iiis family be saved, 
when the deluge came upon all the earth? 

Fastosus. Why, Avaro, it was by the help of a ship, 
which he was taught to build. For this same Noah was the 
first ship-carpenter in the world ; and although a prince, he 
was not above laboring with his hands. But it galls me to 
think how the Almighty mixes mercy with judgment; for 
in this destruction, which he brought upon the old v^^orld, 
he taught the new world the most necessary and useful art 
of navigation, by means of which he will spread the know- 
ledge of himself over all the earth. 

After this I set up my lofty standard on the plains of 
Shinar. Multitudes flocked to it, and became my humble 
servants. It was now I projected a scheme of erecting a 
tower, equal in altitude to Jacob's ladder. Two special ad- 
vantages, I alleged to them, would accrue from it when fin- 
ished. The first, to perpetuate their name to the latest pos- 
terity. The second and greatest advantage would be, that 
thereby they might bid defiance to the Almighty. Such 
provision being made for their safety, that, on the first ap- 
pearances of judgment begun, they might retire to the 
tov/er, where the waters could not follow them. But here, 
you may observe, I played the devil with the children of 
men; for although I flattered them with such advantages, I 
believed in my heart that such a presumptuous, daring un- 
dertaking, would have provoked the Almighty utterly to 
have destroyed them root and branch. And, indeed, at one 
time I tiioiiglit I had gained my point; for he did come down 



OF DEVILS. 



81 



and confound their languag-e, in such a manner that the 
great design raiscarried. It was diverting to hear the brick- 
layer call for mortar, and, Lo ! a box of brick was brought 
him. Another calls for bricks, and the server runs for a 
board of mortar. One calls out for a level, and he receives 
a plumb-line. Another asks for a square, and a level is brought 
him. The bricklayers, provoked to see themselves mocked 
by their servants, not as yet knowing their language to be 
confounded, began to lay their resentment upon the bones 
of their laborers ; and the laborers, considering themselves 
a§ very ill used, returned the abuse upon the builders; and 
thus they quarrelled and bickered, until they were fain to 
leave off the work, and betake them.selves to other employ- 
ments. 

But, alas ! cousin, in this affair the devil was outwitted ; 
for we all thought that this haughty attempt would have 
provoked God utterly to destroy them. But he made use 
of our project only to send them abroad to people the earth, 
the more widely to make his glories known. And to the 
deep mortification of all our black fraternity, especially 
father Beelzebub, upon the ruins of the tower was written, 
in everlasting characters, the following motto : "Here the 
devil overshot himself" But this was a trifling disappoint- 
ment in comparison of many others, some of which I may 
perliaps give you an account of 

Wherever the sons of Noah went, I went along with 
them ; and not a great number of years had the earth been 
dry, before I persuaded them to forge, found, and carve to 
themselves objects of religious adoration, more agreeable to 
their fancy, than the God who made them. And by this 
m.eans it was, that pagan idolatry was introduced, whicti, 
strictly speaking, is the religion of pride alone ; even as the 
present Roman Catholic religion is that of pride and covet- 
ousness. 

I will tell you strange things, of my government, Avaro, 
at a time convenient; but as we were coniing along, you 
mentioned somewhat about the clergy of France. Pray, 
what of them, cousin? 

Avaro. I have often, sir, made honorable mention of the 
dutiful disposition of my dear children, the French parsons. 
But I had, some years ago, occasion to try an experim^ent, 
which greatly quickened their devotion, and clothed the 



82 



DiALOCiUES 



face of all the country with poig-nant sorrow. By their un- 
wearied pursuit of the interest of the church, that is to say, 
by their coaxing, wheedling, and threatening of people, out 
cf their goods and chattels, for the benefit of the clergy, they 
were grown so fat and purse-proud, they were not able to 
say half of the masses they were paid for, nor to attend 
upon the duties of their pretended devotion ; which, persist- 
ing in, they themselves would have contributed to the open- 
ing of people's eyes to discover the cheat. 

I imagined that nothing could be more suitable, than 
physic, to purge off some of their grossness. I went straight 
to Versailles, demanded an interview with the most Chris- 
tian Louis, and accordingly was introduced by one of the 
lords of his bed-chamber. As soon as he had done me 
greeting after the royal manner, proportionable to his very 
great esteem for me, I opened the conversation in the follov/- 
ing manner : " My royal friend, said I, perceiving that you 
have been ransacking the world lately, in quest of gold, to 
supply your pressing and growing wants, I am come to in- 
form you where you may meet with store of moidores, yea, 
treasures in abundance, without travelling out of your own 
dominions." " Is it possible 1 said he. I pray thee, lovely 
spirit, where are the golden heaps to be found V I replied, 
" The clergy, the clergy, sir, are so overgrown in riches, 
that they are hardly able to say an hospitable mass for the 
dead, or even to go about to cheat and defraud people out of 
their money and souls as heretofore." " Ungrateful villains, 
said he, to hoard up their money to lie by them useless, when 
T, their king, am just at the point of becoming bankrupt. I 
will ease them of their burden, I warrant you. I will let 
them for once know, that they have a^nother master besides 
the pope, and leave it to them to replace their stores the 
nearest way they can." I was not afraid but n)y scheme 
would work to my mind ; for I took him at the very nick of 
time, when the king of England had emptied his coffers, by 
destroying his naval force and trade ; and, poor gentleman, 
he knew not well how to fill them again. 

Glad of such an opportunity, he assembled the heads of 
the clergy, and demanded of them an exorbitant sum, in the 
way of a free gift. A very genteel way o^ robbing the 
church indeed ! The holy gownsmen, like dear children of 
their good Avaro, showed themselves as tenacious of their 



OF D2VILS. 



83 



gold as the paw af a lion is of its prey. They used every 
argument which priestly subtilty could invent; they lagged 
in both heaven and earth as protectors of their property. 
Yea, they even told him that to command them to part with 
their money, v/as no less than robbing the Almighty ; just 
as if the Almighty and them Vv^ere partners in the trade of 
priestcraft. But clergymen have the advantage of all 
princes, in that their cause is always the cause of God ; al- 
though God has, in reality, nothing to do with them or it. 
They held both with teeth and hands, rather than generously 
to assist their sovereign, though now become almost insol- 
vent. But you know the proverb, "The vveaker goes to 
the wall." And so it was with them. He, being stronger 
than they, prevailed ; and, although their money came from 
their coffers like blood from their hearts, they were obliged 
to comply. But I can assure you, the parting with it cost 
them more real distress of soul, than ever the selling of their 
consciences to obtain it had done. The sorrow of the priests 
is, for the most part, a farce ; but their sorrow on this occa- 
sion, was deep and unfeigned. 

It was not a great while after, tlmt moidores failed a sec- 
ond time, and other resources being drained, he again had 
recourse to the sons of the clergy ; and did by them as they 
commonly do by the laity. I mean, their money being gone, 
he was content Vv'ith stripping them of their plate ; so that 
Vv^ere you now to see the cabinet of a French priest, you 
would find it as empty of plate as Glaud the shepherd's 
pmtry. And I am of opinion that Louis, having once found 
the way to their nest, he will take care they be no more 
overgrown in riches. But to repair their late losses, they 
can now look out for a prey, with as much penetration as an 
eagle, and are as rapid as a panther in seizing on it. 

Fastosus. It is my opinion, cousin, that, if princes were 
to take care that the church should not become too rich, 
there would not be so many religions as there are. But 
who would not be a priest or a nun, when they may roll 
amidst the blessings of both worlds, and under the pretence 
of religious retirement, enjoy every thing grateful to the 
liesh, in the greatest luxuriance, without any labor or toil 
of their own '? I assure you, cousin, if I were not a devil, I 
wo lid choose to be a priest myself 

AvAiio. Being a priest is not such a great privilege now 



84 



DIALOGUSS 



as it has been ; thougli it is still preferable to any trade of 
the lay kind. The expulsion of the Jesuits has been very 
injurious to priestcraft. The church is sure to thrive in the 
reign of a prince, who is under the direction of a Jesuitical 
confessor ; and the priesthood will always find in him a 
powerful protector. But I fear much that the princes of 
Europe, from their late advances, will at last throw off the 
yoke of ecclesiastical tyranny. 

Fastosus. In fact, cousin, it is not a little strange, that 
they have not done it ere now. Nothing* can be more 
preposterous, than for a prince who hath sovereign sway 
over extensive dominions, to be under the control of an arro- 
gant priest, as if it Vv^ere by him that kings reign and princes 
decree judgment ; or as if he were the prince of the kings 
of the earth. 

Hov/ever, cousin, you forget that it is time for us to go 
on our nocturnal circuits. Mine is very extensive ; I must, 
therefore, bid you adieu. To-morrow morning let us meet 
here. 



DIALOGUE VIL 

INFIDELIS AND IMPIATOR. 

From what I had heard and seen, you may think I took 
care not to be too late, in attending the sable gentry in Hor- 
rida Vallis, where I was hid before any of them arrived, and 
prepared for taking down their discourse ; the first of which, 
that I heard, was by Infidelis to Impiator. 

'Infidelis. How illustrious is thy throne ! How extensive 
are thy dominions ! Oh, great Impiator, my son ! Before you, 
the greatest grandees of the earth do bow. Will you please, 
my son, to finish your account of the remaining part of your 
territories ? 

Impiator. I will, sir. And you may observe that the fifth 
canton is that of the adulterers and fornicators. These are 
divided into literal and mystical. The class of literal adul- 
terers and fornicators are so fashionable and notorious a peo- 
ple, that a description of them seems unnecessary ; and so 
very disagreeable, that it would be offensive to you. I shall 



OF DEVILS. 



85 



therefore do no more than describe their dwelling, and as- 
sure you, sire, that every individual of them is a very hum- 
bJe servant to your son Impiator. Their dwelling is on the 
banks of a river, the source of which is in the court, which 
runs through every part of the king's dominions, carrying 
the inhabitants along with it ; and at last disembogues itself 
into hell, where all adulterers and fornicators shall infallibly 
be tormented, as a proper counterbalance for their fleshly 
pleasures; w^here, instead of women, they shall have devils; 
instead of wine, the sulphurous liquid ; and instead of beds 
of down, the boisterous billows of PhlegethoD. 

Next to them are the mystical adulterers and fornicators. 
By w^hom I mean all that have any commerce with the whore 
of Rome, that old bawd with the scarlet gown : or, in other 
words, all who have the mark of the beast, either on their 
foreheads, or their right hands, and such who have this mark 
upon both. 

By those who have the mark of the beast upon their fore- 
heads, I mean the worthy preachers and hearers of the Ar- 
menian doctrine of the church of Rome ; as also the strait- 
hooped gentlemen, who believe with the charitable Italians, 
that there can be no true faith but that which they profess, 
nor salvation but in their community. The far greater part 
of the clergy belong to the former, and the good Sandema- 
nians belong to the latter class of doctrinal priests, or mys- 
tical adulterers. 

By those who have the mark of the beast upon their right 
hand, I mean the practical papists, the whole bulk of the 
holy Catholic church ; and besides them, all that do the works 
of the beast, after the example of that orthodox church. By 
the works of the beast some understand every part of re- 
ligion, which is not founded upon scripture institution. Such, 
say they, are consecrating of churches, and baptizing of bells ; 
dedication of meeting-houses to certain saints or angels, as 
the patrons of parishes ; the worshipping of saints and angels, 
by celebrating an annual festival in honor of their name ; 
such are your observers of high festivals, abstinences from 
meat at certain seasons of the year ; v/orshipping towards the 
east, as if God w^ere not everywhere present ; bowing at the 
name of Jesus, as if it was more august than that of Jeho- 
vah, &c. Such, sir, with many more whom I might name, 
are the mystical adulterers and fornicators. 

H 



86 



DIALOGUES 



Infibslis. Ay, but my son, you have not told me which 
are the fornicators, and which the adulterers. I want to 
hear that ; for the one is usually distinguished from the other. 

Impiator. Yes, sir, they are distinguishable enough ; for 
the practical professed papists, who profess not the least de- 
gree of relation to Jesus Christ, as the head of the Christian 
churcli; but own themselves to be the adorers of the w^hore, 
who sits on many waters, are held to be the fornicators ; 
whereas nominal Protestants profess themselves married to 
Jesus Christ, as the great head of the Christian church, and 
notwithstanding this pretended marriage with him, maintain 
a doctrinal commerce with the whore of Rome ; on which 
accouQt they are to be held as the adulterers. 

The sixth canton is the murderers' habitation, which is 
divided into two grand divisions. In the first are murderers 
of others. These are subdivided into petty cantons. In the 
first of which live the mental murderers, just upon the fron- 
tiers of the country. They are a people who, without just 
cause, are angry with their neighbors. This lambent flame 
they inwardly cherish, until revenge is begotten along with 
hatred, envy, and malice. ¥/ith them, therefore, nothing 
is wanting but opportunity to destroy the reputation and life 
of the object of their hatred, with safety to themselves ; but 
very often it happens that their hatred and revenge destroy 
their subjects ere they have an opportunity of avenging them- 
selves. The verbal murderers live next to them, in a very 
spacious country, because they are very numerous. By the 
verbal murderers I mean those who withhold from the char- 
acter of others the good which they do deserve, and speak 
of them the evil which they do not deserve, or even the evil 
which they do deserve, in a way in which they would not 
wish others to speak of themselves, in like circumstance. I 
attend, for my part, in many companies, where the conver- 
sation cannot possibly be supported for a quarter of an hour, 
but at the expense of some absent acquaintance. And so 
fashionable is this in polite life, that it is become a proverb, 
" That scandal is the very life and soul of conversation." 
To this petty canton belong all talebearers, backbiters, rail- 
ers, evil surmisers, and particularly the very obliging gentry, 
who tack hut to the end of all their encomiums on others ; 
as, He is a good sort of a gentleman, but — " or, " She is an 
agreeable lady enough, but-—" where you may observe that 



OF DEVILS. 



87 



little unintelligible word but, stabs the gentleman and lady's 
reputation through and through. 

Having passed through this, yoa come into the country 
of those who murder with their looks. In this country you 
may see an eye to curse a man to hell and damnation, and 
an eyebrow call a man a scoundrel, and knock him down. 
The Rev. Mr. Adam Gib, primate of the associate synod in 
Scotland, has lately had his heart wounded so deeply, by the 
looks of some of his elders, that it is thought he cannot re- 
cover the stroke as long as he lives : but, for the good of the 
public, he hath prosecuted them before the presbytery, who, 
without inquiring into facts, sentenced the reputation of the 
irreverend elders to be hanged, drawn, and quartered, to the 
great consolation of the pious sunerer. As soon as you get 
out of this country, you come. 

Fourthly, into a very extensive plain, inhabited by what 
may be called domestic murderers ; a set of beings who mur- 
der without impunity, no suitable laws being provided against 
them. 

Here dwells the parent, wdio spends wastefully what 
should regularly support his family, so that his children are 
brought up in the most dissolute and irreligious manner, as 
a preparative to the most vicious practices : hence, whether 
the children prove virtuous or vicious, strict equity ac- 
counts the profuse and careless parent the murderer. Near 
to those murderous parents lives the lascivious husband, who 
estrangeth himself from his lawful consort, and frequenteth 
the company of lewd women. Man\^ you may find here, 
w^ho, as the very worst of felons, rob their wives and chil- 
dren of their legal property, to support the most infamous 
strumpets, who, like the horseleech, are continually saying, 
Give, give. Such men are sure to find the truth of that say- 
ing, " A vv^hore is a deep ditch." Here it is a very common 
thing to see the most virtuous w^omen, so ill used by their 
murderous husbands, that they languish and grieve under 
their affliction, until at last they die of a broken heart. No 
assassin ever better deserved the gallows, than such hus- 
bands ; for no assassin ever put the person whom he mur- 
dered to equal torture. The very same may be said of the 
lascivious strumpet, of high or low degree, \Yho is false to 
her husband- 



88 



DIALOGUES 



Among domestic murderers live the parents, who, for the 
sake of an agreeable settlement, oblige their children to 
marry with persons, whom they cannot possibly love. This 
lays a sure foundation for certain murder, and brings the 
party to the grave in the most distressing manner. 

But if covetous parents would only consider, that a com- 
^ polled marriage is v/orse than a poisoned dagger plunged 
' into the bosom of their offspring, they would certainly have 
more compassion than to persist in the iniquitous measure. 
Here likewise live those, who restrain their children from 
marrying the objects of their choice, merely because there 
is a deficiency of a few hundreds, or thousands, in the for- 
tune. Parents who can relish nothing but money, and have 
a wrong notion of honor, make no scruple of conscience, to 
render their children miserable all their days, rather than 
suffer them to marry a degree and a half below themselves. 
It is very strange, that the laws of nations should make no 
provision against this murder ; and stranger still, that those 
of Britain countenance and encourage it. 

However, marriages are seldom happy, w^here the affec- 
tions are not joined, prior to the matrimonial cerem.ony. 
Money may unite the persons, but it cannot unite the affec- 
tions, as appears in numberless instances: of which discon- 
solate, dull, and heavy husbands, broken-hearted vv^ives, 
frequent divorces, elopements, domestic quarrels, and di- 
vided families, the natural effect of forced marriages, are 
evidences. 

There is yet another species of domestic murderers, con- 
nived at by the law. They are such who not only train up 
their children in idleness, but in luxury and wantonness. 
By these m.eans their spendthrift sons, if of high birth, are 
fitted to become robbers of the nation, w^hen their own for- 
tunes are spent; and if of middle life, they are fitted for the 
highway, and consequently for the halter. Nor is this method 
of trainino- up less fatal in its influence on the female sex ; 
for it prepares them for the stews, or the suburbs of the 
stev/s, where gentlemen's courtesans dwell, perhaps for theft 
and then tor the gallows. Idleness and luxury are as rank 
poison to the mind, as arsenic is to the body. Many people, 
indeed, lament the young gentleman's unhappy fate, when 
he is going to Tyburn ; but very few censure his parents, 
as the first cause of his untimely end, bj the manner in 



OF DEVILS. 



89 



which they brought him up. This is some comfort to us, 
however, that though such domestic murderers act with im- 
punity from man, the law of God will take such notice of 
them as to bring them to hell, if their crimes are not repent- 
ed of To be sure it would be more agreeable to us, to see 
them enter hell by way of Tyburn : but the devil cannot 
ahvays have his will. 

Another sort are very careful to preserve the bodies of 
their children, by providing diligently for them the neces- 
saries axid conveniences of life ; as they grow up, are very 
careful to preserve them from the highway and the stews, 
by putting into their hands a business by which to obtain a 
comfortable livelihood ; and, after all, prove the murderers 
of their children. For, on the one hand, they restrain them 
not from bad company, which leads to destruction ; company 
that corrupts the principles, vitiates the conduct, and leads 
into bad practices, such as sabbath-breaking, gaming, lying, 
swearing, &c. Nor on the other hand, do they take any 
pains to cultivate their infint minds, further than to know 
how, when, and to whom, they should make a genteel bow, 
and courtesy, and how to express the modish comjpliments 
in a graceful manner. They never once deem it neces- 
sary to instil into their minds an early sense of religion and 
virtue. 

Many parents, if their children learn a little polite beha- 
vior, do not much care wdiether they read the Bible at all. 

In this coimtry too dwell duellers, boxers, boasters, and 
provokers; all the bands of assassins, and intriguers against 
men's lives. His hoary holiness is captain general of this 
band, and his cardinals and inquisitors are next to him in 
honor. Here dwell persecutors, of every name, popish, 
episcopal or presbyterian ; all v>'ho impose religion on men's 
consciences by the power of the sv;ord. 

The second division is that of self-m.urderers ; and I as- 
sure you, sir, this is a very populous place, more crowded 
than the former. Here dwell gluttons, drunkards, and in- 
temperate persons in general; for there are miore w-ho eat 
and drink themselves to death, than the fever, the consum.p- 
tion, and the sword destroy. Idle, lazy, and slothful persons, 
live here, under the character of second-hand murderers; 
their idle ha^bits introducing diseases of the most fatal na- 
tme. The immxoderately careful, also, kill themselves with 
H 2 



90 



DIALOGUES 



mere anxiety. In the next town the envious are stationed ; 
those who are as mortally woQnded, by the prosperity of 
their neighbor, as any man can be by a dagger. In the 
suburbs live those whom we call the impatient ; for trouble 
is not so very deathly as impatience under it. Over the 
bridge live the ambitious, a people of lofty views, who 
crack their heart-strings by climbing. In the neighborhood 
of the latter live the lascivious, who kill themselves by little 
and little, and parboil their flesh ere they present it to the 
worms. I might add to this list a prodigious number be- 
sides, known among us by the name of soul-murderers. 
But as I was never remarkable for knowledge in casuistical 
divinity, I shall leave this to others, and proceed to, 

The seventh and royal canton of drunkards ; which is di- 
vided into two very grand divisions, the first of which is 
inhabited by the sot, and the second by merry companions. 
The soaking sots are a well-seasoned race, who seem as if 
some of their ancestors had been of the bristly kind. They 
are a swinish set of people, always grunting, but when their 
lips are in the cup; unless it may be that the calf mounts 
them in the morning, and rides them until half past two, 
then dismounts just in the middle of dinner, and the eager 
swain vaults into the saddle, and rides them until they are 
lame. The ensign of the sots' division is a long tobacco- 
pipe, and greasy fore-breasts of a coat; and if any m^an have 
business with them, he would do well to wait on them in 
the morning, before the calf dismounts ; for after that they 
can do nothing but grunt, until sleep dismounts the pig 
again. Thus they are ridden alternately by the calf and 
the pig. The sots drink merel}^ for the sake of liquor; and 
in process of time their blood becomes so inflamed, that 
they carry the arms of their company upon their faces, 
which are dyed into a kind of bastard scarlet color, and 
grow as rough as the skin of a shark, with preternatural 
pimples. 

The second division is that of merry companions, or, ac- 
cording to men of learning, good-fellows. They abhor the 
name, yet love the practice of drimkards. You could not 
afiront them worse, than by telling them they are in love 
With the landlady, for the sake of her liquor. Were you to 
ask them their reasons for frequenting the tavern, they 
would soon tell you, that it is not for any love they have to 



OF DEVILS. 



91 



the liquor, but they go there merely for the sake of good 
company. By the way, sire, they go to the wrong place to 
seek for it ; for no good company haunts taverns and ale- 
houses. Good company is most likely to be found in good 
places; but taverns and ale-houses are quite of anotlier 
cast, being public portals, through which many pass to the 
nether regions. Yea, such a good opinion has Beelzebub 
conceived of them, that many of the landladies, and their 
daughters, are appointed his faxtors and agents upon earth. 

It is the practice of merry companions to meet at the 
tavern, or some other place of public resort, as many even- 
ings in the week as business will admit of, to read and ex- 
pound the newspapers, give their opinion of the proceedings 
of the ministry, of comm.ercial transactions, or to comment 
on the operations of war. Sometimes they meet to play 
what they call a civil game of cards, backgammon, &c. or 
it may be to reproach some neighboring Presbyterian par- 
son for his auected sanctity : for you must know, that they 
not only hate sanctity itself, but its very appearance. Often 
you ma,y hear them deride the fanatic, for what they call 
his narrovv^ and bigoted spirit, and, at the same time, ap- 
plaud the reverend Mr. Liveloose, for an affable, free, and 
generous soul. Many of those merry companions, who will 
by no means bear the name of drunkard, I can pick 3^ou out, 
who will drink a bottle or two at a sitting, and go home be- 
twixt one and two in the morning, with eyes as fierce as 
those of an hyena. 

In short, sir, if you were to go through my canton of 
drunkards, when our men are all at work, you would hear 
a great noise as if Vulcan with his cyclops were there, 
hammering thunderbolts for Jupiter. And would certainly 
imagine, that hell had burst its belly, and poured out its en- 
trails amongst us, on account of the hideous cursing, sv/ear- 
in^", danminnf, singing, scolding and bawling, tearing and 
fighting, boasting, lying, cheating, and unclean words, looks, 
and gestures, which there abound. This, sir, is the royal 
canton, out of which I choose all my principal men ; which 
you must own to be sound policy ; for if ever I can get a 
man to become a drunkard, I can cause him to commit 
what wickedness 1 please ; and 1 must tell you, that this 
canton is inhabited by men of all ranks, occupations, and 
persuasions. 



92 



DIALOGUES 



Thus, reverend fatlier, I have given you a brief acdotiiit 
of my dominions ; but if you were to pass through the seve- 
ral cantons, and see them all yourself, you would say, that 
the hundredth part has not been told you. 

Infidelis. Oh, my child ! my dear Impiator, how my 
aged heart is filled with joy, on hearing your pleasing sto- 
ry ! Illustrious indeed is the kingdom of Profanity ! You 
honor me, my son ! Your success does great honor to the 
name of Infidelis. But, I pray, do yoQ know any thing of a 
set of people whom they call Nazarenes? They are the 
only people in the world who have cast off my yoke. Oh ! 
how it would rejoice me to hear that your craftiness had en- 
gaged them in your service ! 

Impiator. I know them very Vv^ell. A small body of de- 
spised, precise creatures, hated by all the world. I assure 
you, sir, I have done all that lies in my power to bring them 
under our dominion. But mortified I am to tell you, that I 
have never been able to conquer one of them. Immanuei 
hath published very strict laws in his kingdom, absolutely 
prohibiting his subjects from touching, tasting, or handling 
any thing that belongs to us, or so much as visiting our 
cantons; and they are so firmly attached to his government, 
that it is With the greatest difficulty, now and then, we get 
one of them down into our mines. But when such a thing 
does happen, my subjects have a good day of feasting and 
mirth ; send gifts to one another, of such things as they 
have ; and the shouts of joy, " So we would have it," may 
he heard in all the cantons of our dominions. 

For instance, it happened once that Noah, wlio was, in 
the main, an utter enemy to our government, was induced 
to jiiake a visit to the drunkard's country, which caused 
much gladness through all the land. The triumphal flag 
v/as displayed upon the tents of Ham, wherever the news 
was spread ; and every man reported to his neighbor, say- 
ing. Behold, he is become like one of us." At the same 
time, the confederates of Shem covered themselves with 
sackcloth, put ashes on their heads, exchanged their plea- 
sant songs for lamentations, mourning, and v/oe ; until the 
patriarch was safely returned to his own country again. 

It happened also, on a certain time, that I was happy 
enough to inveigle David the great, within the borders of 
the adulterers' canton ; who^ to cover the infamy of such an 



OF DEVILS. 93 

expedition, rushed, with violent precipitation, into the very- 
heart of the canton of murderers. The monarch's arrival 
was soon proclaimed among ail the murderers and adulter- 
ers, who made a grand entertainment on the occasion, and 
invited the blasphemers to partake Vv^ith them. Oh ! Infi- 
delis, if you V\^ere there, certainly you would have tired 
your sides v/ith laughing, to see how they footed the treble 
dance, whilst the music played, " The hest of them are as 
bad as ourselves." And ail joined together in this chorus — 

" What we do in public, they do in private, 
The difference is only in show." 

Then they clapped their hands, and shouted, " So, ho ! brave 
boys. Now we are all on one side. The man after God's 
own heart hath joined our communion. The psalmist of 
Israel is now one of ourselves. Hypocrites, altogether, who 
pretend to more religion than others." Thus, sire, from the 
fall of one, our people concluded that all were bad. 

The like fell out in the cace of Peter, the apostle, who, 
on a very dark night, missing his way, was first trapped in 
the liar's snare, and then in the swearer's gin, so that he 
denied the Lord who bought him, and cursed and swore that 
he did not so much as know Jesus of Nazareth. I can tell 
you, when such a thing does happen, that we entrap one of 
the Nazarenes, it greatly increaseth the industry of my sub- 
jects, and bends them m.ore tiian ever mider my yoke. In- 
deed, as there is no other way to Zion, but what lies di- 
rectly through the very heart of my dominions, there is now 
and then one of them tumbles into cur mines, especially in 
the dark and long nights of v/inter. 

Infidelis. Nov/ and then, child ! I thought you had often 
companies of them at once in your dominions. 

IsiriATOR. No, sir, I cannot say so. I v/ill tell you how 
the mistake happens. We frequently have com.panies of 
those who are called Nazarenes, it is true ; but then the 
mme and the nature are tv/o different things all the world 
over. In order to bring true Christianity into disgrace, the 
great and wise Beelzebub stirs up some of our country peo- 
ple to put on the outward ha,bit of the Nazarenes, join their 
corapan}^, and travel with them, almost to the borders of 
the kingdom of Profanity ; but not one of them can be per- 
suaded to set a foot out of their own country. As those peo- 



94 



DIALOGUES 



pie pass along the road, in their own country, it is not much 
to be wondered at, if they do occasionally try their hands 
at their old employments. But as for the real Nazarenes, I 
assure you, I very seldom meet with one, who has curiosity 
so much as to view our land as he passes through it. Even 
when our subtle emissaries do entrap one, let me and my 
chivalry do what we can, we never detain him beyond a 
certain time ; when some powerful messenger is dispatched 
from the skies, to deliver him out of our tenacious hands. 
But we have the satisfaction of often procuring them an 
hearty drubbing, so that many of them go halting to their 
grave. I, myself, have seen Immanuel meet them, in the 
very midst of our king;dom, seize, bind, and chastise them, 
until with blurred faces, they humbly submitted to kiss the 
rod, and heartily blessed God that ever the birch tree was 
planted. 

Infidelis. Ay, child, they are made to kiss the rod, that 
is the plague of it; for then they bid farewell to the plea- 
sures of profanity. Oh ! were it but possible by any means 
to harden them against the rod, what advantages might we 
reap from it ! Or, indeed, could we, as I have often strove 
to do, make them faint under it, it would answer the same 
end. But, beyond all our power to hinder, Immanuel does 
somehow, along with the stroke, convey sustaining strength. 
Yea, sometimes even makes the rod itself, in some respects, 
pleasant, and at all times profitable to them. Ah ! my son, 
Vv^e shall never be able to rob him of one of his own , for 
when he chastiseth them v;ith a visible hand, he sustameth 
and comforteth them with a hand invisible. 

But let us not be discouraged, nor yield the contest. Let 
us destroy Vv^hom v/e can, and let us disturb and distract the 
minds of those whom we cannot destroy. Let us think of 
the' great Beelzebub, what achievements he is daily per- 
forming, notwithstanding he groans in the yoke of eternal 
despair. And for your encouragement, my dear Impiator, 
let me tell you, such is your care to maintain a despotic 
sway over your subjects, and such is their attachmicnt to 
your person and government, that both you and they may 
be assured of warm lodgings in the palace of great Beelze- 
bub, as soon as this world ceaseth to be the stage of action. 

Impiator. Yes, sir, such is the flourishing state of my 
kingdom at present; but I have my shocks at one time and 



or DEVILS. 



95 



another* It is but a few years since I was terribly afraid, 
lest I should have lost my British subjects. 

IiSFiDELis. Lost your British subjects, my son ! Who, or 
what is he, who dared to attempt any thing against the 
great Profanity 1 

Impiator. Ah ! sire, a powerful enemy ; no less a person 
than George III. He was an enemy to my powerful sway 
when he was only prince of Wales ; and as soon as he as- 
cended the throne, he more openly showed his dislike to 
me ;' published an edict for banishing me from his domin- 
ions ; enjoined his officers to apprehend me wherever I was 
to be found ; and, under the penalty of his displeasure, pro- 
hibited his subjects from entertaining me at any time, espe- 
cially upon the sabbath-day ; a day on Vv^hich I am used to 
get above double business done for Beelzebub. Had I not 
been well befriended by the British nobility, as well as by 
the commons of the land, bad days had come upon me ; for 
what v/ill not precept, enforced by example, be able to ac- 
complish ] 

Had he, like many princes before him, only enacted laws 
against me, and still continued to correspond with me him- 
self; I should have had little to fear ; but would you think 
it, sir, he actually attempted to clear the court of me ; will 
suffer no swearing in his presence, nor gaming on the Sab- 
bath evenings in his palace, and even discourageth drunk- 
enness and debauchery. Indeed, sir, if inferior magistrates 
had all been of the same disposition with their king, poor 
Impiator had been obliged to quit the realm, and live in ex- 
ile, like the devil Crudelis. 

Infidelis. That the king of England is a sober and vir- 
tuous prince, will admit of no dispute ; but the case of Im- 
piator can never be desperate, whilst you and I are in such 
high esteem with so many magistrates and placemen. We 
shall be regarded much sooner than he. So long as inferior 
magistrates can be kept in subjection to us, there is no fear 
of our interest, let the prince be ever so virtuous. I, as an 
old stander in the world, have seen much of mankind, and 
out of my consummate experience shall offer some things 
for your encouragement. 

A good king may enact good laws ; but it is impossible 
he should execute them, without the assistance of his sub- 
jects ; therefore your kingdom, my son, can never , suffer, 



96 



DIALOGUES 



until a law be made, which shall render all common drunk- 
ards, swearers, sabbath-breakers, whoremongers, extortion- 
ers, &c. incapable of the office of a magistrate. Whilst 
magistrates can suffer buying and selling on the sabbath- 
day ; whoredom, drunkenness, and swearing to abound in 
the streets, with impunity, what hath Impiator to fear ] Doth 
it not demonstratively prove, that such magistrates are firmly- 
attached to the devil Impiator ] No danger, my son, no dan- 
ger at all ! Let the king and queen both abhor you ever so 
much, unless they can get men of virtuous dispositions es- 
tablished in places of trust, the devil Impiator shall reign, 
in spite of all they can do to prevent it. 

Do you think that a magistrate, who is himself a drunk- 
ard, will ever strive to suppress the beastly sin of drunken- 
ness in others ] Or that he, who is a profane swearer, and 
tolerates the practice of swearing in his own household, will 
ever exert his power to suppress it in others 1 Can it be 
thought, that a man who keeps his woman, instead of his 
wife, will be very assiduous to suppress the reigning sin of 
whoredom ? Or, that he who can, without conscience, grind 
the faces of the poor, will ever be a promoter of piety? 
Never fear it, Impiator. All you have to do is to debauch 
the minds of as many magistrates as you can ; then you will 
have the vulgar of course, when they see vice reign with 
impunity.* 

Impiator. After all, sir, I think there is reason for some 
fear, when we consider the power of example. You remem- 
ber how, according to tradition, it turned the heads of all 
the Macedonian army, to the one shoulder, in the days of 
Alexander, and how it raised a hump upon most of the gen- 
teel backs in England, in the days of king Richard the 
third, of bloody memory. Now, sir, if example were to 
have the like effect at present, Impiator could not live in 
England. 

Infidelis. I am sensible, son, that a virtuous example ia 



* This second-sighted devil seems to have judged rightly of the case; 
for profaneness of every kind has made most awful advances in the pres- 
ent reign, notwithstanding the virtue of the sovereign. Divorces, con- 
sequent upon conjugal infidelity, were never so rife, since England be- 
came a nation. Masquerades and routs, which received but little coun- 
tenance in some former reigns, in this, meet with alj that the vainest 
heart can wish for. That this is the case, let Connelly's, the pantheon, 
and the female coterie, bear witness. 



OF DEVILS. 



97 



not without its proper influence ; bnt this I have always 
seen, people are more easily drawn by example, into vice, 
or even into things indifferent, than into virtue. Assure 
yourself it will require a stronger power than the example 
of the best and wisest of men, to drav/ a vicious person to 
the love of virtue. 

Should the virtuous exam.ple of a prince have any influ- 
ence upon others, you m.ust take care to nick-name them, 
get them pointed and hissed at, and despised, and all will 
go- on very quietly. 

Let us now go in quest of our kindred, m.y son. I expect- 
ed to have seen some of them here this morning. 



DIALOGUE VIIL 

INFIDELIS, AVARO, FASTOSUS, IMPIATOR, AND DISCORDAKS. 

Lnfidelis and Impiator had but just done talking togeth- 
er, and were about departnig, when Fastosus, Avaro, and 
Discordans came up the valley, and saluted each his kin- 
dred ; in which salutation Infidel is thus began : 

Infidelis. Honor and renown, to the great Fastosus I 
Furious contentions, to restless Discordans ! and heaps of 
glittering wealth, to the careful Avaro ! To which infernal 
salutation, 

Fastosus replied, Darkness and confusion surround my 
brother Infidelis! Lewdness and debauchery attend my 
cousin Impiator ! I am glad to see so many of our family in 
the valley at once. 

Infidelis. I pray you, cousin Discordans, how do you do ! 
These many weeks have passed since I saw you. 

Discordans. Even jaded out of breath, uncle. How do 
you do, most Rev. sir] and how do you, my worthy cousin 1 

Infidelis. Having, with great care, caused our influ- 
ences to rest upon our subjects, we came hither to the val- 
ley to regale ourselves with a dish of sweet conversation, 
wliich we hope will now be more agreeable, on the arrival 
of so many celebrated worthies. But I would know, cou- 
sin, where you have been so long] 

Discordans. Been ! I have been busy, wandering to and 



98 



DIALO(iUI]S 



fro, on the face of the earth, as usual, promoting the inte- 
rests of great Beelzebub. So diligent have I been, that I 
have haid no time, since I saw you last, so much as to take 
a nap. But, as yoa observed jast now, having left my in- 
fluences upon mankind, I hope to enjoy the pleasure of my 
uncle's company for a season. 

Infidelis. How, cousin 1 Are you so close at it? I 
thought your affairs had been urgent only upon certain oc- 
casions. 

DiscoRDANS. Indeed, sir, mankind are fond of me, almost 
to distraction. I believe I have as much business, now-a- 
days, as any devil of the club ; and I manage my affairs 
with as much dexterity too. 

Infidelis. What is that staff, you have in your hand, 
coushi ] And what is that looking-glass, that hangs by your 
side ] By your looks you are too vigorous to need a staff 
to lean upon ; and to judge by the appearance of your per- 
son and dress, I should have thought you had as little need 
of a looking-glass. 

Discord ANs. You are pleased to banter a little, sir : but 
that which is well received, is never ill delivered. This you 
call a staff, sir, is my telescope. And this glass is my in- 
verting mirror. The two chosen instruments by which I 
carry on all my operations. 

Impiator. I thought, cousin, we devils have no need of 
glasses, either perspective or visual. What ! is your sight 
bad, Discordans] 

DiscoRDANS. No, no, my sight is as piercing as the eye 
of an eagle ; but piercing as it is, I cannot do without my 
glasses. 

Impiator. Then, I suppose, the glasses are for the use 
of your subjects. Indeed, cousin, I never took you to be a 
friendly devil before. 

Discordans. Not so friendly as you imagine, coz, nor 
are the glasses for their use but for their abuse. For there 
is not one who makes use of either glass, but he is abused, 
as sure as ever he uses it. This is no very great friendship, 
sir, is it ] 

Infidelis. No, cousin, if so you approve yourself the 
offspring of great Beelzebub. I should be glad to hear 
something of their uses, and the manner of your operation 
by them. 



OF DEVILS. 



99 



DiscoRDANS. I am ready to oblige you, sir, if the great 

Fastosus is pleased to permit me. 

Fastosus. You do me honor, my son. I permit you, with 
all my heart. 

DiscoRDANS. Then, sir, if you please, you shall try my 
tele5)Cope first. Take it in your hand, sir, and put it to your 
eye. Now, sir, what do you see ] 

Infidelis. See ! I see the greatest mountain that ever I 
beheld ! The top of it reacheth even to the stars. Strange ! 
I did not think there had been such a thmg in the world ! 
Why, the highest mountain in Armenia is but a hillock, 
when compared to this ] 

DiscoRDAis's. Now, sir, be pleased to take down the 
glass; look the same way with your naked eye, and try 
what you can discover. 

I^^FIDELIS. Nay, now I can see nothing at all, but a mole- 
hill, about a score of yards from us. But what is gone with 
the mountain, think you ] 

DiscoRDANS. That very molehill, sir, is the mountain 
which you saw. To convince you of it, Impiator shall make 
the trial likewise. Now, Impiator, what do you see ] 

Impiator. See ! why I see the wondrous mountain ; and 
I see a prodigious number of monsters, ten times as big as 
an elephant, travelling up the sides of it ! 

Discorda^s. Now, sir, the molehill is the mountain, and 
the ants are the monsters that inhabit it. 

Infidelis. Amazing ! that any instrument can change 
the appearance of things, so much from the reality. Indeed, 
Discordans, I can hardly believe my own eyes. 

DiscoRDANS. Sir, you shall have full conviction. Put the 
glass to your eye, and mind well, when I roll this ball on 
the green, and tell me what it appears to you to be. — Now, 
sir, you have seen it, what do you say 3 

Infidelis. I am more astonished than ever. It appeared 
to be well-nigh as huge as the body of Saturn, and seemed 
to roll through immeasurable space. Now I am convinced, 
incredulous as I am. 

Discordans. All is well so far. Now you shall try the 
other end of the telescope, and learn the wonders of minia- 
ture. Let us look tov/ards the other side of the valley. You 
see a very large oak, whose arms are extended at least two 
hundred feet m breadth. Do you not see it, sir } 



100 



DIALOGUES 



Infidelis. See it ! How you talk ! I might see that tree 
without spectacles, if I were three-fourths blind. 

DiscoRDANS. Be not too positive, sir. Take a good view 
of it now, lest you should not readily apprehend it with the 
glass. 

Infidelis. Why, cousin, I cannot fail seeing this tree at 
the first trial, it is such a large one, and just at hand too ! 

DiscoRDANS. Well then, please to put the glass to your 
eye, the contra^ry way to what you did before. — Now, sir, 
what do you see ? 

Infidelis. I can see nothing at all. What is become of 
the tree, think you ] 

Discord ANS. Look better, sir. The tree stands just where 
it did, I assure you. 

Impiator. I suppose my father has not the glass right at 
his eye ; has he, cousin 1 

Discord ANS. Yes, yes, it is very right. Do you discover 
any thing of the tree yet 1 

Infidelis. No, nothing at all. Is not the glass fallen out, 
think you 1 

Discord ANS. No, sir, the glass is all right. But tell me, 
do you see nothing of any kind ] 

Infidelis. Yes, I see, at a prodigious distance, some kind 
of a shrub, about the size of a common thistle. To me it 
appears to be about fifteen inches high. 

Discord ANS. Look stedfastly at it, sir, and see if you can 
find out what species it is of] 

Infidelis. I take it to be a small oak plant ; but at such 
a distance, it is not easy to distinguish the species of such a 
diminutive shrub. 

JjiscoRDANS. Now, sir, I perceive you discern it right ; 
if you please, you may take down the glass. You see, sir, 
the oak tree stands just where it did ; and now you discover 
nothing of the shrub. Believe me, sir, the plant which you 
saw, is none other than that stately oak, magically din:iin- 
isiied in its appearance, by the power of the glass. The 
oak itself has underg-one no change, neither did the ball, 
nor the molehill. All the change is only in appearance. 

Infidelis. I am amazed at the astonishing powers of, this 
instrument. ¥/hen it is used one way, it magnifies a mole- 
hill to a stupendous mountain, and a tennis-ball to a world ; 
and when used the contrary way, it reduceth an oak of the 



OF DEVILS. 



101 



most gigantic stature, into one of the most dwarfish shrubs. 
I pray you, cousin, what is the name of this instrument, and 
where was it invented 1 

DiscoRDAKS. Sir, the name of this amazing instrument, 
is Prejudice ; it was invented by Lucifer, the most famous 
mathematician in hell; and is of excellent use, in forward- 
ing the delightful works of darkness, and securmg the do- 
minion of Beelzebub, over mankind, upon earth. 

Infidelis. Dear cousin, I am qu'te impatient to have a 
description of its uses. It cannot fail of being of excellent 
service, if skilfully managed, as I doubt not it is, in the hand 
of Discord ans. 

DiscoRDANS. Sir, havmg already seen something of its 
amazing effects, yea m,ay w^ell believe it is very useful to 
me. By this partial glass it is I sow contention, strife and 
discord, wherever I come. It is my custom when I begin 
my operations, and intend to set people together by the ears, 
to visit each of them separately; apply my glass to his eye, 
in the magnifying way ; and, as you see it is so constructed 
that it will turn any way, I turn it towards himself, by which 
he obtains a partial view of his own virtue and merit. Then 
I apply the glass the contrary way, and direct my dupe to 
consider his vices in the diminishing medium, by which he 
almost, if not wholly, loseth sight of them. Having had such 
a partial view of his own virtues and vices, the fool takes the 
former to be a thousand times greater, and the latter a thou- 
sand times less, than they really are. By tliese means he is 
prejudiced in his own favor so far, that he is ready to quarrel 
with all, Vv^ho think not as well of him as be does of himself 
Thus, I prejudice almost every man in his own favor, so 
fir, that each looks upon himself as most w^orthy of general 
regard. From this it is, that you may meet with a drummer, 
who looks upon himself as more able to command well, than 
his colonel: or a catchpole, who deems himself fit for an 
alderman ; and a scurvy attorney, who flatters himself, that 
he knows more than the lord chancellor of the realm. 

But for this prejudice in their own favor, you should never 
hear of revolutions of state, destructive wars, cruel assassi- 
nations, and domestic broils, among mankind, so grateful to 
us infernal spirits. It is by this device, you will find one 
fool wiser in his own conceit than ten men wlio can render 
a reason. Yea, gentlemen, it is from the good opinion alm^ost 



102 



DIALOGUES 



every man hath of himself, originally derived from the use 
of my partial telescope, that all divisions and animosities of 
every kind, and amongst every people, in church and state, 
do flow. Though, indeed, the gentlemen concerned in re- 
ligious contentions would persuade the world that it is the 
glory of God, and the furtherance of the gospel, they have in 
view, in all their curses and anathemas, which they toss and 
retoss against one another. The vulgar take it for granted 
to be so, and therefore readily join with their reverend 
leaders. 

In the mean while, man being sufficiently prejudiced in 
his own favor, I betake me to the following operations, from 
whence all jealousies, backbitings, murmurings, evil sur- 
misings, &c. spring. I put the diminishing end of m.y tele- 
scope to the eye of my dupe, and direct him thus, to behold 
the virtues of his neighbor. The instance of the oak, re- 
duced to the most diminutive shrub, will convince you that 
a man's virtues will appear little enough, if at all discernible, 
when viewed with my partial glass. So when the man with 
it examines the virtue of his neighbors, he is put to his wit's 
end to find any virtue at al], just as yoa were to And out the 
oak: but he sees, as he thinks, too much cause to conclude, 
that his neighbor is a very bad man. And if such a thing 
should be, that a man's virtue is so strong that it forceth 
evidence, even over the belly of prejudice, by its own native 
lustre, its appearance is changed from its reality, as the oak 
to the shrub, in the foregoing experiment. 

Then I direct my disciple to apply the magnifying end of 
the telescope, and to take an ample view of his neighbor's 
vices and deformity ; and this he doth to the greatest ad- 
vantage. The two instances of a molehill transformed to a 
mountain, and a rolling ball to a revolving world, will con- 
vince you how glaring a man's vices will be, when viewed 
with the magnifying end of my valuable telescope, preju- 
dice. 

On obtaining this discovery, says my dupe, Ah ! how 
glaring his vices appear ! When T sought for virtue, I could 
not discern so m.uch as the sm.allest of her traces in him ; 
but now I seek for his vices, truly there is nothing else to 
be seen. Can he be a Christian 1 No, surely ! If this be 
Christianity, I will for ever renounce it." Thus, my rever- 
end uncle, I frequently persuade people, who are really 



OF DEVILS. 



103 



worthless, to despise, revile, and contemn those who are, in 
every respect, much preferable to themselves ; to deny the 
character of virtuous men, even to the most virtuous of their 
day. 

Infidelis. Now, nephew, you delight m.y ear indeed; 
and I freely own you of my illustrious kindred ; nor are you 
less dexterous in pursuit of your calling, than the greatest 
of all our fraternity; the great Fastosus and I only ex- 
cepted. 

Impiator. Gentlemen, I have been silent a long time, 
which I believe I am as little given to as any ; but now, 
wonder unbraces my tongue, and I cannot but admire the 
art and industry of my cousin Discordans. 

Discord ANS. Although I am no way remarkable for grati- 
tude, I thank you, cousin Impiator, for your compliment. 
There is this glass, which likewise demands your attention. 
\¥ill you please to examine it, gentlemen I 

Infidelis. Come, cousin, I will. Please to let me look 
at it. 

Discordans. Now for a fresh surprise. Do you please 
to place the mirror, and look into it. 

Infidelis. I will, cousin. But what is the matter, think 
you] I see nothing but gross darkness. How comes this to 
pass, Discordans] 

Discordans. It is the nature of the instrument. Be 
pleased to turn yourself so as to look upon either, or all of 
us, in it. Now, sir, what do you see ] 

Infidelis. Strange ! you all appear as angels of light. 
Did I not perfectly know the contrary, I could have sworn 
upon the alcoran, or the mass book, that Impiator had been 
Uriel ; Avaro had been the genius of benevolence ; that 
Fastosus had been humility ; and you, Discordans, the angel 
of peace. 

This glass is really more wonderful than the former. 
What an amazing power of inversion it hath, cousin ! Why 
it transformeth light into darkness, and darkness into light ; 
changeth the appearance of devils into that of angels of 
lioht. Well, Discordans, if this will not answer your end, 
I do not know what will. I pray you, cousin, what do you 
call it] 

Discordans. This, sir, I call my inverting mirror : but 
the- proper name of it is false reasoniyig. An instrument 



104 



DIALOGUES 



of the true Luciferian construction, and most admirably 
adapted to my dividing purposes. It is the oracle at which, 
for the most part, mankind inquire after the truth of any 
matter. But, from what you have seen, you will readily 
believe that there is no truth in it ; therefore, its discove- 
ries, if the truth were known, would be deemed absolute 
falsehood. But I am very careful to keep up its honor with 
the people, as I could do but little business without it. 

Fastosus. Right, my son, and it proves to be in high es- 
teem : for the ancients were not more fond of our brother 
Apollo, who kept his court at Delphos, than the moderns are 
of the inverting mirror of false reasoning. 

Infidelis. Good cousin, a word or two concerning its uses ; 
yea, make an oration of it, if you please ; for it will be very 
agreeable, even to Impiator himself, I dare say. 

Impiator. No danger of me, I assure you ! I begin now 
to have some taste for information, all that I have heard 
being so very agreeable. Cousin Discordans, you may freely 
proceed without any fear of being too hard upon my pa- 
tience. 

Discordans. But for this inverting mirror, gentlemen, I 
could do but little against the children of men; for excel- 
lent as my telescope of prejudice is, it would be altogether 
useless, but for the mirror: but, by the help of this, the 
telescope performeth mighty deeds in favor of our govern- 
ment. 

By this mirror it is, I cause offence to be taken when none 
is offered nor designed ; yea, even Vv^hen the good of the 
party is sought after ; and thus I foment differences, amidst 
the most fervent solicitations for unity. A certain great man, 
some thousand years since, had such a proof of this, that he 
complained bitterly against our people, saying, " When I am 
for peace, they are for war." 

By this mirror it is, that public or private reproof is not 
only rendered useless, but even hurtful to the party reproved, 
and frequently prejudicial to society. So very much are 
people given to examine all matters in our famous mirror, 
that it is almost impossible to point out one man in a whole 
county, who hath wisdom enough to bear reproof with be- 
coming patience. So that if it is an argument of folly, to 
turn away the ear from reproof, or to harden the heart against 
rebuke, these are brave days for folly. 



OF DEVILS. 



105 



By this wonderfal mirror, I make even the preached word, 
not only useless to many, but offensive to some. For in- 
stance, it sometimes happens, that the preacher, as it is his 
duty, exclaims against drunkenness. At that instant I step 
up to the drunkard, and hold the mirror before his eyes ; im- 
mediately he begins to view the parson's conduct in a very 
uncharitable light ; and, as a guilty conscience needs no ac- 
cuser, he concludes it is himself that is aimed at. "Well, 
says he, I see how it is ; some spiteful person hath told him 
that I was drunk the other night, and he is wicked enough 
to expose me to all the congregation. Has he no faults of 
his own, that he can be so free in trumping up other people's 
failing's ] Cannot he preach the gospel without railing against 
individuals ] 

Infidelis. I have often seen it to be dangerous to our in- 
terests, for a person to go with a guilty conscience to where 
there is a faithful ministry. 

DiscoRDANS. By this time, I clap my telescope to his eye, 
and direct him to view the parson with it; which is no 
sooner done, than he exclaims, "Ay, ay, his vices are as 
great as mine, and greater too. If he is not a drunkard, he 
is something as bad ; he is covetous ; all know that : and he 
is uncharitable and spiteful." Then I turn the end of my 
telescope towards himself " Well, saith he, the parson him- 
self is more wicked by one half than I am. I meddle with 
no man's character. I am in charity with all men. I am 
just and honest in all my dealings. If I hurt anybody, it 
is myself, and what can the meddling fellow have to do with 
that]" 

Thus doth this wonderful instrument invert the nature of 
things, so as to turn a well-meant admonition into a piece 
of envious raillery ; what is really in itself a virtue, is changed 
in its appearance to a vice ; and if the least degree of zeal 
appears in the delivery of reproof, it is traduced as passion 
and ill-nature. By the use of these two famous instruments, 
I set one great man to pull the ears of another, at the vari- 
ous courts of earthly princes ; where, by my management, 
the truly worthy are frequently disgraced, and the worthless 
advanced to power. What ups and dov/ns succeeded each 
other in the court of Versailles, in the days of madame Pom- 
padour, when not the mierit of the hero, but his attachment 
to that lady, was considered ! If he was a true Pompadorian, 



106 



DIALOGUES 



be was sure to be advanced, however much of the calf his 
disposition had imbibed ; but if an anti-pom padorian, down he 
came, though he were as wise as Ulysses, and valiant as the 
son of Thetis. And so it fared v^/ith them in their bad suc- 
cess in the late war. 

Fastosus. 1 suppose the public would never object to their 
prince enjoying the common privilege of man, in having a 
favorite friend near his person, were it not that the party se- 
lected for that person is apt, insolently and inconsiderately, 
to crowd his own dependants, qualified or unqualified, into 
places under the government. But what France suffered 
for such misconduct in the last war, will be a warning to 
neighboring nations. 

Inftdelis. T should like to have the history of your glasses, 
cousin. And I imagine a few instances of your operations 
by them will be exceedingly agreeable to all the company, 
if you will be so obliging as to favor us with them. 

DiscoRDANS. With all my heart, sir. The first instance 
1 remem.ber, was in the case of Cain and Abel. As for Abel, 
you know he was a rebel against our government, enlisted 
under the banner of Immanuel, and bore arms against the 
monarch of darkness, to whom trusty Cain was firmly at- 
tached. Abel was well acquainted with the acceptable atone- 
ment, then to be made by Jesus of Nazareth, and had respect 
to it, in all the services which he offered to Deity. His sac- 
rifices and services were therefore the fruits of faith, and 
consequently acceptable to God, whom he served. On the 
other hand, our friend Cain had no respect for the mediation 
of Immanuel, but considered his services as well deserving 
acceptance with Deity, in virtue of their own intrinsic ex- 
cellence. Of course, both him and his services were reject- 
ed. ' For you know whatever is not of faith, is sin, and con- 
sequently detestable to the Almighty. Abel offered his sac- 
rifice, and Cain presented his gift, the one in faith, and the 
other without faith ; the result was, Abel was accepted and 
Cain rejected. 

As soon as I was aware of this, and saw discontent visible 
upon his countenance, I went up to Cain, and began to ply 
him with my instrument. " Let my lord Cain," said I, " try 
his brothers conduct in this faithful mirror." 

Accordingly he viewed it, and as he viewed, he said, 
«*Ah' now I see how it is, Ke knew that a lamb or kid 



OF DEVILS. 



lot 



would be more acceptable to God than com ; but he would 
not inform me, I suppose, lest I should share in the blessing. 
Is this acting the part of a brother ] I see now through all 
his pretended love, his Vv'hming advices and hypocritical 
cant." 

This wrought just as I would have it. Then I desired him 
to view himself with my telescope, which he did, and thus 
exclaimed, "Why, I am a thousand timics better than my 
brother Abel ! I have as much righteousness in my one hand, 
as he hath in his whole person." Said I, "Now take a full 
view of your brother with this glass." He did, and as he 
looked, he said, "My brother is the most contemptible crea- 
ture I ever beheld. I wonder not now to hear him complain 
of his unworthiness, as he does in his whining way." " Look 
again," I said. Then said Cain, " Why, Abel is so swelled 
with pride, that he cannot contain himself" " Look farther," 
said I : " Ay, replied he, I see what he aims at. He thinks 
I shall be his servant, and no longer his superior as elder 
brother." 

You know it is usual for m}^ worthy friends, Envy, Re- 
venge, and Cruelty, to follow^ me in most of my enterprises. 
It so fell out, at this time, that those three diabolians were 
present; but none of them attempted to speak a word, until 
Cain had viewed his brother Abel with my instruments, in 
a li^^-ht the most disadvantageous to him that could be. But 
Cain having obtained this view of Abel, up comes Envy, and 
thus addressed him: "Friend Cain, I am heartily sorry for 
your disgrace, and am grieved when I observe to you, that, 
it is my opinion you will never be able to endure your 
brothers greatness and prosperity, now he is accepted, and 
you are rejected. I am much mistaken, if his ambition 
ceaseth to operate, until he enslaves you entirely under his 
yoke. I much fear that it is what he aims at. Now, my 
friend, as you are the elder born, it is but reasonable that 
you should be ruler; but for the elder to be subject to the 
younger, is what I would advi?e you never to submit to." 
Then, said Reveng-e, if honest Cain will be ruled by me, he 
will make himself amends for all the grief he has sustained. 
To whom Cain: "I pray thee thou sweet spirit, which way 
shall I do it] Shall I burn his tents, or destroy his flocks'? 
What shall I do to make myself amends ]" Do, said Crudelis, 
what should you do? Knock him on the head at once* 



108 



DIALOGUES 



" else, said Envy, he will be an eye-sore to you, all the days 
of your life." 

Thus the matter was determined, and, accordingly, Cain 
took an opportunity one day in the field to murder him. In 
this instance, Abel's virtue and faith Vvere considered as 
vicious craftiness ; his sincere aiming at the glory of God, 
and his self-denial, were, by my inverting instruments, in- 
terpreted pride and ambition. Deluded Cain revenged him- 
self, not according to reality, but according to his own jealous 
suspicions and groundless surmises. 

Infidelis. Realities seldom appear, Discordans, where 
you reign, or your operations would not be so successful as 
they are in common. 

Discordans. True, sir, there is no possibility of main- 
taining strife and contention, but by inspiring one man with 
mistaken notions of another, and each with a good opinion 
of himself This is the spring of all contention. 

I remember I made rude work between Jacob's wives ; I 
think their names were Leah and Rachel, the daughters of 
your friend Laban, Avaro ; and that too, for what neither 
one nor the other could possibly help. Rachel was plump, 
fair, and beautiful, but withal for many years barren. Leah 
was less beautiful, being afflicted with tender eyes. And 
from these tv/o sources I let the world see the inconveniency 
of polygamy or bigamy. But to pass from the discord of 
the women, I come to their sons, amongst whom I made a 
pretty sort of an inroad, which for a season yielded me ex- 
quisite pleasure. 

You must know it is always more pleasure to me to stir 
up discord among the good and virtuous, than any people 
whatever; although, by the way, it is much more irrational 
in them to quarrel with one another, than for those who are 
strangers to equal privileges. Yet, such is my dexterity, 
that, whilst they are in this world, I can m.ake them very 
often behave to one another, more like enemies than friends 
and brethren. However, they escape my tyranny the mo- 
ment they forsake their clay, and I am for ever banished 
from their peaceful mansions in the other world. 

To return to my story. Young Joseph, son of deceased 
Rachel, was his father's favorite ; and the fond patriarch, 
to evince his distinguishing regard to him, clothed him in 
garments of many colors. This badge of affection sat very 



OF DEVILS. 



109 



uneasy on the minds of his brethren, who, to a man, re- 
solved to teach future parents the felly of partiality to- 
wards their children; yet had conduct enough to bridle 
their resentment until a favorable opportunity should offer. 
It V7as not many years before an opportunity offered ; for 
Joseph had a dream divinely inspired, of which I made very 
suitable improvement. He dreamed " that he and his breth- 
ren were all reaping together in the field, and lo ! ere he 
was aware, his sheaf stood upright in the midst, and all his 
brethren's sheaves stood round and made obeisance to it." 

Young Joseph, suspecting no harm,, in his simplicity, told 
his dream to his brethren. Not long after, he dreamed that 
the sun, moon, and eleven stars, made obeisance to him ; 
and, in the samiO simiplicity of heart, told his brethren this 
dream also, never once suspecting that they w^ould comnient 
upon it to his injury. 

At this time I happened to make a visit to them ; and 
having the matter without reserve laid before me, I re- 
quested them to examine it with my instruments, as you 
know I am never backward vvhen there is any hope of busi- 
ness. As they examined it, they were unanimously of opin- 
ion, that the haughty boy was but too sensible of his father's 
over-esteem for him. " Vain youth, said they, he can think 
of nothing but being lord over his brethren : it is evident, 
from his repeated dreams, his mind runs upon it through the 
day ; for what people^ ruminate in the day, they are apt to 
dream of at night." Such was the sense my mirror gave 
of the affair. Then, said I, gentlem.en, be pleased to sur- 
vey the matter with this telescope, meaning prejudice. They 
did so, and said, " Did ever any body see such a haughty, 
presumptuous youth as this stripling of a brother of ours is 1 
It may be, the young ambitious WTotch feigned his dream.s, 
the more easily to introduce his supremacy ! He be our lord ! 
Must he'! His pride is boundless. It is not enough that he 
hopes to lord it over his brethren, but his old father must, it 
seems, make obeisance to his arrogance." 

It was now I called on my brother Revenge to appear ; 
to whom I willed them to make their case knowm. This 
they did; and he, without hesitation, (as you know he is a 
ready-witted spirit) gave them his advice. " Gentlemen, said 
he, the fact is evident ; but why do you perplex yourselves 1 
You have it in your power to prevent his aggrandizement. 



110 



DIALOGUES 



Yonder he comes, and here is a pit hard by: drown him in 
it, and see what will become of his dreams." " By all 
means, said Envy; for you see the old man is so dotingly 
fond of him, that he is ready to take his dreams to be di- 
vinely inspired ; and the more foolishly the youth can dream, 
the fonder his father is of him ; so that it is now, if Joseph 
is well, he cares little what becomes of the rest of his chil- 
dren." 

The sons of Jacob, in part, followed our advice. They 
cast Joseph into the pit, which happened to be dry : but the 
angel of compassion wrought so far upon them, that they 
spared his life, and sold him to a band of Ishmaelites, who 
were to take care to dispose of him in a foreign market, far 
enough from home. So you see it was by the help of my 
incomparable instruments, Joseph was separated from his 
brethren. 

Infidelis. If right reason had been director, they would 
have allowed it possible that God might speak in a dream, 
or in a vision of the night, to the lad ; and that it was time 
enough to punish him, when he actually became guilty of 
usurpation. But in your way, right reason is quite out of 
the question, cousin. 

If agreeable to the great Fastosus, I hold it good we dis- 
perse for the present, that our affairs on earth be not neg- 
lected ; and let us meet here to-morrow morning for fresh 
conversation. 

Fastosus. It is very agreeable to me, sir. 



DIALOGUE IX. 

FASTOSUS, INFIDELIS, IMPIATOR, DISCORDANS, AND AVARO. 

It was my business to mind the appointment, and give 
due attendance ; which I resolved to do, whatever should 
be the consequence : accordingly I was there ere the arri- 
val of the infernal gentry, whom I waited for v/ith impa- 
tience. At last, they all came up the valley to the place 
of conference ; where five sable thrones were ready to re- 



OF DSVILS. 



Ill 



ceive them. As soon as seated, the following converse be- 
gan: 

Infidelis. Indeed ! is it possible that my lovely Impiator 
hath so far prevailed, as to make a reverend vicar drink 
until he is fuddled ] Such a conquest as this makes greatly 
for our interest ; for when the parishioners know that the 
parson himself was drunk in the week, they will pay very 
little regard to his sermon the ensuing sabbath. Let him 
preach repentance and reformation, with all the zeal he may 
assume, every hearer will say in his heart, " Physician, 
heal thyself." I always knew that you, Avaro, had large 
dealings with many of the clergy ; but not until now, that 
ray son Impiator had obtained such great power over them. 
What ! and swear too ! To see a parson get drunk, or to 
hear him profanely swear, would give joy to the devil him- 
self, amidst all his disappointments. I assure you, in the 
days of the Puritans, I would have crept forty miles on my 
hands and knees to have heard the one, or seen the other. 
But thou, my son 

Impiator. Indeed, sire, you may depend on what I say. 
Great and formidable are my enterprises. These eyes of 
mine have seen the foot-ball thrown down at the church- 
door, on Sunday after service, in the presence of the par- 
son; who, like the father of his people, gathered up his 
gown, and stood patiently to see which of his flock could 
with greatest dexterity make it skim the sky. This, you 
will say, was a pretty sort of transit, made by the holy man, 
fi'om worshipping the God of heaven to serve the famous 
devil Impiator. Ah, gentlemen, were I but an eloquent 
spirit, I could tell you such wonders about the profaneness 
of both priest and people, as would rejoice your hearts, and 
make you confess that few devils have more ascendency over 
mankind than myself O ! the young students who are train- 
ing up for the ministry, are charming lads. It is but a few 
years since, a nymph, who had been under the tuition of 
some of those young clergymen, came to an overseer of the 
poor of the parish, near a certain university, and desired to 
speak with him. ■ What is your will T said he. I am v/ith 
child, said she. I see that, returned he ; but who is its fa- 
ther] Three gentlemen of Hall, said she. What 

do 3^ou talk of three for, said he ; only one of them can be 
its father. Indeed, sir, they are all three the fathers of my 



112 



DIALOGUES 



child, and are all willing to give security to the parish : and 
three very civil gentlemen they are, I assure you. I think, 
said the overseer, they have not behaved very civilly to you, 
seeing you are with child by them. O ! sir, said she, they 
behaved very civilly to me. They got me to their room, 
and kept me there for above a fortnight, and all the while I 
ate with them, and slept with them at free cost. 

Ayaro. W ell, but, brother, can you assert that as fact 
upon your own knowledge ] 

Impiator. Yes, Avaro, I can ; and more than that, the 
overseer is yet alive, and can at any time attest the truth 
of it. 

Infidelis. Well, I think they are hopeful gentlemen of 
which to make ministers of the gospel ; gentlemen who 
may be of great service to our government. 

Impiator, It is on that account I mention the affair. 
And I could tell you a hundred such pretty little stories. 

Fastosus. Supposing my reverend brother Infidelis, for 
the information of these younger devils, were to relate part 
of his history, might it not be well ? 

Infidelis. I am ready to do any thing that tends to the 
prosperity of our common cause : with a view to this, I have 
already given Impiator some account of my birth, and first 
enterprises ; and now, for common instruction, shall proceed. 
Having ascended the throne of Infidelity, the first thing I 
attempted was, to lull men into a persuasion, that I did not 
at all exist, and that there is no such devil as unbelief in 
being. When I could not so universally prevail in this as 
I wished, I endeavored to persuade each of them separate- 
ly, that however Infidelis might reign over others, for their 
part, he had no dominion over them. For, said I, you have 
a good heart, and have believed well all your days. Al- 
though, as I said before, I have conducted many of those, 
who fancied they had believed so well in their life-time, 
very safely down to the chambers of horrible despair, 
where they were soon convinced, they never believed at all 
aright. 

Then T endeavored to persuade the people, that the 
threat enings of God's law, against sin, ought to be consid- 
ered as a fancy; and, to strengthen this doctrine, I thus 
preached ; (for you must knov/ I have been a great preacher 
in my time,) " Look you, you timorous-minded mortals ; you 



OF DEVILS. 



113 



may clearly see that God hath created you, with all the 
passions and appetites that attend you ; and can yon believe 
that he did this with a design to prohibit the gratification 
of them? No, surely! Could it be consistent with the 
character of that God, whose goodness is unto ail, and 
whose tender mercies are over all his works, to endue you 
with these passions and appetites, and then damn you 
for gratifying them. I No, no, those threatenings are exhib- 
ited only to keep your consciences in awe ; but never de- 
signed to be rigorously executed. The law will make large 
allov/ances, for the inclinations, passions, and infirmities of 
the human nature ; never fear it. The soul that sinneth 
need not to fear dying, as the scripture has threatened ; and 
man shall not be cursed, though he continue not in all 
things written in the law to do them." 

Here, gentlemen, you ma.y see my fallacy, in dealing 
with mortals ; for although all the faculties and passions of 
the soul were indeed essential to its created state, none of 
them were then irregular ; none acted from improper influ- 
ence; for every passion centred in its lawful and proper 
object. Besides, all sinful motions and desires of the heart 
are the efiects of my dominion over man. 

Then I proceeded to persuade them that God had for- 
saken the earth, and took novv^ no notice of the deeds of 
men, so that every man might, v/ith the greatest safety, 
gratify his peculiar inclination. By these means it was, the 
great Impiator was brought into existence, whose dominion 
has increased, every year, with great rapidity. 

I persuaded m.en, that this world is the most certain 
good. A bird in the hand, said I, is worth two in the bush. 
Slake sure of this world, and never fear for the other. Do 
you consider this as your abiding place, and build your nest 
in its highest branches, if possible. In this I succeeded so 
well, that every man by nature, and almost ail by practice, 
look upon the present world as the chiefest good. Then it 
v/as that Avaro was born in our family, and Ambitiosus was 
born in the family of Fastosus. 

All this, you must observe, I did in disguise, or rather in a 
state of invisibility. I dare not tell a man, when I wait upon 
him, that my nam.e is Infidelis : for, although they are fond 
of my nature, even to distraction, there is not one of them 
but what hates to be told that he is concerned with me^ 
K2 



114 



DIALOGUES 



Indeed you cannot affront any of my subjects worse, than 
by naming him after me, and calling him Infidel. 

Impiator. That is the very case with my subjects : for, 
although they love my service with all their hearts, they 
hate to be told of it. If a man should at any time reprove 
one of them for his enormities, you would soon hear him 
damn the reprover, for a methodist, a puritan, or a sanctifi- 
ed hypocrite. 

Infidelis. It is no manner of difficulty for me to lurk, 
unperceived by them, in the corners of their dwellings; but 
I cannot possibly hide myself from Moses, the vicegerent 
of the Highest. He is a person of a most pi'ercing eye, and 
can trace all the motions of spirit ; therefore it comes to 
pass, that he and I have frequent bickerings. Moses beiug 
the perfection of light, and I the most consummate dark- 
ness, there is an eternal war proclaimed betwixt us, and we 
never meet but we are at daggers' drav/ing. 

Sometimes he comes, knocking with a tremendous ham- 
mer at the doors and windows of my lodging, as if he 
would lay the house in a heap of ruins ; whilst the people 
within start and tremble at every thunder-clap of his ham- 
mer. Amidst their consternation, you may hear him, from 
without, call to them within, with a voice louder than many 
thunders, in the name of his august Master, to bring forth 
the devil Infidelis, and all his train, to public execution. 
But I am always well befriended by the people of the house, 
who, for the most part, tell him that neither Infidelis, nor 
any of his train, live with them, and that his excellency 
must needs have mistaken the door. They tell him he 
would do better to inquire at the house of Tom Drunkard, 
or Jack the swearer, where, very probably, say they, that 
evil spirit may dwell. 

This is often the beginning of a rupture betwixt him and 
them ; for he is not to be so easily deceived. He shooteth 
his burning arrows with deathly vengeance in at the win- 
dows, against the people of the house, whom I exhort, by 
all possible means, to resist to the last extremity. Never 
did you see the warlike Corsicans exert themselves with 
such ardor in defence of their liberties, as my subjects in 
defence of my government. 

Sometimes they so besmear his heavenly face, with the 
filth they throw upon him, calling him severe tyrant, covets 



OF DEVILS. 



115 



ous extortioner, unjust villain, and the like, that he gives 
over the assault, and leaves them to my quiet possession. 
Then I take my seal, and seal them to destruction. For you 
must know, it is but in some places he exerts his unfrus- 
trable influence. 

It is likewise observable, that although my subjects will 
give Moses a good character, while he keeps at a distance 
from them, every one will fight to the knees in blood, when 
assaulted by him, ere they submit ; so fond are they of my 
person and government. Sometimes it hath happened, that 
by irresistible force, he hath broken open the doors, seized 
the people of the house by the collar, dragged them to 
the brink of a pit called Despondency, into which he tum- 
bled them headlong, and left them shut up in that dreary 
dungeon. * 

As soon as he is departed, I go to work, and turn some 
neighboring brook into the pit, with a design to drown 
them, or throw down earth, stones, &c. on purpose to 
smother them ; and so I continue to pester and disturb 
them, until I am frightened away by the sound of Immanu- 
el's trumpet, as he himself approaches for their deliverance : 
for you must know, I cannot stand my ground, but take to 
my heels, when he appears. Many a time do I hear m^yself 
cursed for an hellish brat, even by those who, but very late- 
ly, would have risked life and fortune, and, with the great- 
est bravery, fought in the cause of prince Infidelis. But as 
soon as they obtain a glimpse of Immanuel's glory, they 
have done with my yoke, and I lose their affection for ever. 

However, as I cannot endure that rational scripture light 
should shine into the hearts of men, I have often been puz- 
zled to find out proper methods to resist the power of Moses; 
for he is excessively turbulent sometimes, and frighteneth 
my subjects into a pretended service of his Lord. In order 
to appease him, the sons of men agreed to build a temple, 
and dedicate it to the Most High ; rather choosing to wor- 
ship him, than be destroyed by the artillery of Sinai. Ac- 
cordingly, to work they went, and built a sumptuous dome 
for divine worship, in order to stop the mouth of that never- 
ceasing accuser. Now, thought I, things are likely to take 
an av/kward turn with me ; if this worship is not interrupted, 
I shall lose many of my present slaves. So I put my plod- 
ding brain to the torture, in order to find out proper methods 



116 



DIALOGUES 



cf prevention ; and I can tell you, gentlemen, T went wisely 
to work. You remember that, Avaro, for you were my 
helper. 

The case was this. We prepared the image of a woman, 
fair and beautifol to the eye ; she was inwardly made of 
clay, and outwardly adorned with the appearance of bur- 
nished gold. In her right hand was a regal sceptre, titles 
of state, and plumes of honor, &c. In her left she carried 
a heavy purse of money, and a casket of oriental jewels. 
Upon her head was an Imperial crov/n, studded with spark- 
ling gems, which dazzled the eyes of beholders, whilst they 
read the following motto, which was written in all lan- 
guages on her forehead, " I am the mistress of the whole 
world." We secretly conveyed this image into one corner 
of the temple, and placed it in such a manner as to be seen 
of all who entered. 

I soon perceived, that the bait was suitably drest, and our 
idol had charms enough to attract the attention of the people. 
Ha, ha, ha, you would have laughed, until your sides we«e 
tired, had you been there, to see how the slaves looked 
asquint upon the idol, as they approached the altar of God. 
Ay, and, in the midst of their devotion, how they cast the 
tail of their eye towards the place where she stood. After 
their worship was over, O how they bowed and cringed be- 
fore her ladyship ! The very parson himself did her humble 
reverence, and many times embraced her in the most affec- 
tionate manner. Then said I, "A fig for Moses and all his 
threatening. I have the slaves as fast as ever." 

Impiator. Indeed, sire, you played the devil with them 
then. But what said Moses 1 Did he calmly yield the de- 
bate'] 

Infidelis. No, no, he is none of your easy tempered 
people, I assure you. His eagle eye soon discovered the 
cheat, and as soon did he resolve on vengeance, as appeared 
by the event. Laden with burning fagots, he came to the 
temple, and, roaring like many thunders, he said, the flashes 
of iigiitning bursting as he spake, "This people draweth 
near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. 
Put - away from among you that accursed evil, and worship 
the Lord with your souls, as well as your bodies, with your 
hearts as well as your voices, or look for destruction, even 
ia the embraces of your idol." 



OF DEVILS. 



117 



This said, he hurled his hrands amongst the people, and 
terribly disturbed many of them. Indeed it was something 
alarming to see them look so ghastly, and tremble at his 
fearful menaces. .In their first alarm, they were for re- 
moving the goddess out of the tem.ple, for fear of immediate 
destruction ; but being a little recovered from their fright, 
the far greater part found such relentings tow^ards her lady- 
ship, that they could not bear the thoughts of parting with 
her; believing still, in despite of Moses, that her comely 
presence was highly necessary, to render religion tolerable ; 
and rather than part with her, they resolved to part with the 
temple of God itself. 

Some few of them, indeed, were resohite for her remioval, 
deeming the urgent command of the heavenly accuser not 
at all unreasonable ; but their company was very inconsid- 
erable, and their strength inadequate to the enterprise. 
When they attempted to remove her, they could not so 
much as move her feet off from the pedestal ; and notwith- 
standing the command was urgent, the far greater part of 
the people could not help, even in the midst of their devo- 
tion, looking towards the idol, with an approving counte- 
nance ; and there she stands to this day, adored by most, 
and a snare even to the virtuous and good. 

AvARO. Great and manifold are the services which that 
ornamented idol had done to our government, among both 
preachers and others; for many of the sacerdotal tribe have 
not the least view in their preaching, beyond a genteel liv- 
ing, and further preferment; to which end, adulation and 
flattery is more studied than the gospel. If they can but 
get the world to smile upon them, they desire no more. 
Give them riches and honor, they may preach the gospel 
who will, for them. Let the people only pay their dues 
punctually, they may choose, for the parson, whether they 
will serve God or the devil, whether they will go to heaven 
or hell. Brave days, gentlemen ! 

Infidelis. Yes, Avaro, the times are not to be complained 
of; nor indeed have they been bad for many hundreds of 
years, if circumstances are duly attended to. But to my 
story. In process of time, men became sensible, that un- 
less the heart were fixed upon God, in acts of religious 
worship, their services could not be acceptable ; but how to 
fix them they could not find. Being afraid the result of 



118 



DIALOGUES 



their inqairies might prove dangerous to my interest, if not 
interrupted, I advised them to make to themselves repre- 
sentations of God, in wood, stone, brass, or iron, but rather 
of silver or gold, alleging that, the more valuable the metal, 
the more acceptable the sacrifice vi^ould be. 

The sons of men no sooner heard, than approved of my 
scheme, and resolved forthwith to put it in execution. Then, 
ere you were aware, every village was furnished with one or 
two god-makers ; a set of artificers, from whom our present 
saint-makers in Italy, Spain, Portugal, &c. are descended ; 
for modern times have not changed, but only given a dif- 
ferent name to this craft, by which the popish parsons get 
their wealth. 

But, alas ! having never seen the shape of God, at any 
time, they were obliged to form their images in the mould 
of their own fancies, which being various, it came to pass 
that in one place the invisible Deity was likened to an old 
man with a venerable long beard, grasping a bunch of reeds, 
which they called thunder. In another place he was repre- 
sented as half man and half beast; yea, so various were the 
fancies of the artists, that in one place God Almighty was 
made like a fish, in another like an eagle or hawk, and in 
another like a log of wood, and indeed sometimes like a 
beast with four feet. So very briskly was this trade carried 
on, that all who were able to buy, had, in a few years, one 
or more god almighties, of man's making, in their own 
houses. The very same as our good friends the papists, 
have got almost every one a savior in his pocket or chamber. 
In the holy Roman church, you may find in every house, a 
Jesus Christ of one kind or another; for there be many 
sorts of Jesus Christs, as golden Jesus Christs, silver Jesus 
Christs, wooden, and even paper Jesus Christs, all made 
with as much craft as the ancient pagan gods. 

AvARO. That trade of shrine-making among the papists, 
is a good sort of trade ; but I can tell you, it falls far short 
of the craft of saint- worship ping, by which the priests get 
their wealth. Many a wooden saint there is in the holy 
church, which hath brought into the priests' treasury above 
six times its weight in gold. And indeed the pagan priests 
reaped equal benefit from their gods; from whence we learn 
that priestcraft hath been the same in all ages. 

Infidelis. Som.e people there were, of more refined 



OF DEVILS. 



110 



Finowledge than their neighbors, v/ho advised against the 
trade of god-making, saying, " We must not bow down to 
graven nor molten images, nor in any v/ise worship them." — 
My priests, according to my directions, answered as fol- 
lows : " It is not the image which you worship, nor do you 
at all bow your knee to it ; but being emblematic of the 
divine presence, it greatly assists you in your devotion." 
This learned reasoning calmed the consciences of most of 
the dissenters, won them over to the religion by law estab- 
lished, and greatly wrought for the good of the church. 

Discord ATs^s. Why, sir, that is the very apology which 
the papists make for image worship, relic adoration, &c. 
but indeed it is no w^onder, seeing their religion is one and 
the same with that of the pagans. 

IwFiDELis. Some few there were, rigid nonconformists, 
who insisted that God must be worshipped in spirit and in 
truth ; insisted that all idolatrous lumber should be cast out 
of the temple; by which the worthy clergymen, of that 
age, were so grievously galled, that they were forced, in 
a pious and tender manner, first to give up the heretics to 
the devil and then put the flesh to death for the salvation 
of the soul : in the very same manner (and for much the 
sam^e cause) as the holy Romish fathers excommunicated 
and burned the Protestants. But the devil knovs^s, by his 
experience, that the church has not half the povrer she pre- 
tends to ; for out of the vast numbers, Vv^hich she hath gen- 
erously given to him, it is but a very few he hath been able 
to receive. Notwithstanding, both the pagan, papal, and 
other churches, have hereby shown the good will, which, 
all along, they have borne to him and his interest. 

Having fairly introduced idolatry, I tried, if possible, to 
lead men further off from their Maker still; and for this 
end, I brought in gods and goddesses, a numerous train. 
For instance, if any man was more remarkable than others, 
for murdering his neighbors, or for giving large gifts to the 
church, that is, the clergy, I got him deified as soon as he 
died, and had w^orship offered to him, in the same degree 
with saint- worship in the church of Rome ; for saint- wor- 
ship and hero-worship, differ only in name. 

Indeed, it is but doing justice to saints, in the Romish 
calendar, to observe, that the greatest part of them obtain 
I ed their saintship for murdering of princes, massacrmg 



120 



DIALOGUES 



Protestants, robbing their heirs for the good of the chnrch, 
or for raving mad enthusiasm. Well, I went on and pros- 
pered, until I had brought all the world, a few individuals 
excepted, to worship the works of the mason, carpenter, 
blacksmith, or founder. Encourage but any trade, and it is 
sure to prosper : the god-making trade, being universally 
encouraged, prospered exceedingly ; for in a little time 
there were national gods, much the same with the seven 
champions of Christendom ; provincial gods ; county gods ; 
parish gods ; and even household gods, to the great emolu- 
ment of the clergy. I think, gentlemen, you must all allow, 
that I have not spent my time in idleness among mankind. 

Fastosus. No, no, brother, idleness don't suit you and 
me. We will leave it to foolish men and women so to 
spend their lives ; but we will fulfil the old proverb used 
among them, viz. The devil is never idle. Let them enjoy 
their idleness in this world ; we shall very likely find them 
enough to do in the next. 

Infidelis. I think it is something more than seventeen 
hundred and sixty years ago that I had a trial of a very ex- 
traordinary nature to grapple with, such as I never had be- 
fore then, nor ever shall encounter while I breathe the sul- 
phurous smoke of the pit. Oh, it was a sore trial, gentle- 
men. Immanuel, a very dear lover of men, having sat on 
the circle of heaven for near four thousand years, with 
much relenting of mind, and longings for human happiness, 
from thence beheld the dreadful havoc I made in the world, 
rendering the whole posterity of Adam the children of 
wrath. Often did he call to the inhabitants of the earth to 
take me up, and burn me for a witch ; but they were too 
mach my friends to regard his advice: and, indeed, had 
they regarded it, it would have been an undertaking such 
as they could not execute without auxiliary strength. He 
sat long, and long he wondered that there was no friend, to 
help against so potent an adversa^ry ; when at last he saw 
there were none to help, he arose from his jasper seat, and 
in a transport of love, declared that his own arm should 
bring salvation. According to this high determination, he 
dismantled himself of the robes of manifest glory, laid aside 
his imperial diadem, which irradiates all the coasts of light, 
posted down to this world, on the wings of compassion, re- 
solved to encounter me by dying. 



OF DEVILS. 



121 



Alarmed at such an unprecedented enterprise, I dispatch- 
ed our swift-winged courier, with all possible speed, to hell, 
to inform my great father, and the infernal divan, of the as- 
tonishing event. As soon as Fame reported her story, the 
monarch summoned his peers, to meet him in the flaming 
council chamber, there to deliberate on the matter; and 
having maturely weighed every circumstance of it, it was 
resolved to dispatch the devil Malevolus to Fastosus and 
me, with directions suitable to the occasion. That he, with 
Ambitiosus, Perfidia, Falax, and me, should take up our 
residence at Jerusalem, vrith the scribes, pharisees, and 
doctors of the law. We imxmediately obeyed our instruc- 
tions, and succeeded admirably in our embassy. At the 
same time, Crudelis and Concupiscentia were appointed 
plenipotentiaries to the tetrarchical court of Galilee, where 
they received infallible testimonies of Herod's esteem. 

Against the time that Immanuel \vas to be revealed, 
Herod admitted our cousin Suspiciosus to frequent audi- 
ences, of which the devil Crudelis, to his everlasting honor, 
greatly availed himself He persuaded the tetrarch, that, 
for his own safety, it was highly necessary he should kill, 
destroy, and cause to perish, all the children in Bethlehem, 
from two years old, and under, in order that young Imman- 
uel, who was formerly called the Ancient of Days, might 
be involved in the general massacre. This w^as the opening 
of our evangelic campaign ; since which time, we have 
caused the shedding of as much Christian blood, as, if col- 
lected into one mass, \vould make a tide as deep as ever was 
seen at London-bridge. 

At this time there appeared one John Baptist, a zealous 
Nazarene, and harbinger to Immanuel. He w^as likely to 
do great injury to our interest; therefore it was thought 
best to have him destroyed, which, by thy means, Discor- 
dans, we happily accomplished in part. Perhaps, Discordans, 
you can give a better account of that affair than I, as you 
were more deeply concerned in it. 

Discordans. I do not know that, uncle ; but I am ready 
to tell you what hand I had in it. You all know the man, 
and a trusty friend of ours he was, as any in his day. You 
know he most inordinately loved Herodias, his own brother 
Philip's wife ; and by the direction of our friend Concupis- 
centia, he added incest to his adultery, by taking her to his 



122 



DIALOGUES 



bed. It was about this time, that this famous Baptist, the 
founder of the sect called by his name, began his public 
ministry ; and, fearless of man, exclaimed against all manner 
of uncleanliness ; for he was faithful to his commission. 
Well, this same austere Baptist took occasion one day, in 
the following manner, to reprove the tetrarch for his lewd- 
ness ; " Herod, said he, the God who made thee, hath, for 
his own glory, exalted thee to the tetrarchical dignity ; but, 
far from studying his honor, thou actest most unworthily, 
and turnest his goodness to thee into wantonness. Dost not 
thou know, that the same God who made thee ruler in Gal- 
ilee, hath said, " Thou shalt not commit adultery." Put her 
therefore away from thee ; if thou dost not, thou must ex- 
pect, that the Most High will mingle for thee the cup of 
his indignation." 

I was then at the court of Galilee, and did not fail to im- 
prove the Baptist's admonition to the most fatal purposes. I 
transformed myself into the likeness of a grave courtier, a 
form very familiar to me, went up to the king, and held my 
inverting mirror before his eyes, bidding him to take a full 
view of the matter thus. As my humble servant he did as 
I directed, and immediately said, ''I perceive this field- 
preacher, this same Baptist, is an enemy to the Roman go- 
vernment, and, because I am a friend to Csesar, he hath 
taken this advantage against me doubtless to prejudice the 
minds of the people, either to the divesting me of the te- 
trarchical power, or to the subversion of Caesar's govern^ 
ment." 

When I had brought him thus to misconstrue the honest 
designs of the Baptist, I held my partial telescope to his 
eye, through which he looked with great attention, and a& 
he looked said, " What a presumptuous wretch is this, to 
take upon him to reprove me ! Me, who am his lord and 
master, and can soon destroy both him and his father's 
house. Must Herod be reproved by this despicable fellow 
with the rough garment? Is it now so low with Caesar's 
deputy, the tetrarch of Galilee, that he must mildly bear 
the insolence of every snarling peasant 1 No, it is inconsis- 
tent with our dignity, to let such daring boldness pass with 
impunity. If a courtier, or nobleman clothed in soft rai- 
ment, had taken a little liberty with me, it might have been 
borne. But for this field-preacher ! This Baptist, hah I" 



OF DEVILS. 



123 



By this time the great E^evenge, that famous devil, 
whose history is so tragical, thought it time for him to ap- 
pear at court, and as soon as he judged it convenient, thus 
accosted the offended king. " My lord the king, if your 
highness suffers such insolence as this to go unpunished, 
your nobles will contemn you ; every paltry priest will say. 
Yonder goes the incestuous Herod ; ay^ the very publicans 
and Herodians will allege, that you are umvorthy of the 
dignity you sustain, and ail Vv^ill censure your pusillanimity, 
in letting such daring insolence pass with impunity. Re- 
member, my lord, that if wide-mouthed fame should, as is 
very likely, report the matter in Cssar's ear, it is ten to 
one but he will cashier you, either for your reputed incest, 
or your want of magnanimity. Sir, for your honor's sake, 
cast John into prison." Herod was easily persuaded, and 
John was committed to jail. 

On mature deliberation, however, he was afraid of put- 
ling him to death, for he knew that the people had a good 
opinion of the renowned Baptist; therefore he lived in 
prison, notwithstanding Revenge made daily solicitation for 
his blood. On every occasion when he met with Herod, he 
thus accosted him, "Well, sir, is the Baptist dead yet? 
What ! not yet, sir 1 What do you mean by sparing him so 
long, sir ] I assure you, sir, he ought to die for his inso- 
lence. Sir, his crime is no less than high treason against 
your person." Thus he plied him daily. 

It happened, at a certain time, that Herod made a great 
festival in honor of his own name, which festival proved 
fatal to the innocent Baptist ; for, ever since lie had given 
offence, the devil Revenge had taken up his lodgings with 
Herodias the tetrarchess. She very well knew hov/ fool- 
ishly precipitate Herod was wont to be in his wine, and 
how much his eye was to be allured with a v,'ell-perform.ed 
dance, especially if performed by a handsome young lady. 
Not at ail doubting but Herod ina her daughter, would cap- 
tivate the king, so far as to bring about the much desired 
death of John Baptist, she decked her in superb array, in- 
structed her what to ask, if he should be pleased with her, 
then led her into the hall, v/h ere Herod and his nobles were 
carousing. There she footed the hornpipe with such ex- 
actness, that the mistaken eye of the tetrarch took her for 
a divinity, and swore that he would offer a great sacrifice 



124 



DIALOGUES 



to her, to the value of one-half of his kingdom, if her high- 
ness would only deign to inform him what sacrifices were 
most acceptable to her. She replied, " Human sacrifices are 
my delight. Give me then the Baptist's head in a charger.'' 

Now there began a horrid scufiie in the tetrarch's breast. 
If he fulfilled not his oath, he thought he lost his reputation 
with his nobles, who sat at table Vvith him ; and if he did 
behead John Baptist, according to his oath, he exposed him- 
self to the resentment of the people. 

In the midst of this scufiie, in came Revenge, and ad- 
dressed the king — " I assure you, sir, Jolm deserves a thou- 
sand deaths, for his insolence to your highness." " Besides, 
said Fastosus, who was then at court, the great tetrarch 
hath no way left but this to preserve his own character un- 
blamed." Then cried Herod, " Who will go for us to prison, 
and behead the Baptist." To which Crudelis replied, " Here 
am 1, send me." Accordingly, having obtained Herod's con- 
sent, (for we can do nothing against mankind but by their 
own consent,) he went and beheaded Immanuel's harbinger. 

Thus, gentlemen, you see, that by my famous instru- 
ments, false reasoning and prejudice, I cause offence to be 
taken where there is none intended. John only fulfilled his 
divine mission, and sought the good of the tetrarch, by call- 
ing him to repentance ; but my mirror interpreted his hon- 
esty into treachery and insolence ; which clearly shows that 
it changeth the appearance, quite contrary to the nature of 
things. But, reverend uncle, I prevent your proceeding with 
your story. 

Infidelts. The cumbersome Baptist thus dispatched, we 
united all our forces against Immanuel himself^ who was by 
the Jews called Jesus of Nazareth. Many were the con- 
ferences which we had with the Jewish rabbins, doctors, 
priests, scribes, and pharisees, in which all our debates turned 
upon that object of our common hatred. The high-priest, 
Fastosus, Male vol us, and m^e, v/ere always placed at the 
head of the assembly, and every article was finally referred 
to us for decision. The venerable high-priest addressing 
himself to me, asked what I thought concerning the pre- 
tensions of this Galilean ? To whom I replied, " If it please 
your reverence, I think he is an arrant impostor; for his 
father you know, and his mother you know, his brethren 
and sisters are they not ail with you ? But, continued I, when 



OF DEVILS. 



125 



Messiah shall come, no man can tell whence he cometh, 
nor whither he goeth." Gentlemen, you will always know 
my style by its elegance, wherever you meet with it, should 
it be even in the volume of revelation. " , 

Fastosus. I well remember these things, and the learned 
oration which, at that time, I m^ade in the Sanhedrim ; and 
now we are associated in such a friendly manner, I have a 
good mind to repeat it to you. You have it in the follow- 
ing manner : " Hearken to me, ye righteous teachers of the 
law, the virtuous governors of the Lord's inheritance, and 
I will unfold to you a just state of the matter. You all know 
that the expected Messiah shall descend from a virgin prin- 
cess, of the lineage of David ; but is tnis the son of a prin- 
cess] Is his mother a virgin, being the v:iU^- of a carpen- 
ter]" Here you will observe hov7 I led them off from the 
truth, by attending to appearances rather than reality; for 
Mary, the mother of Jesus, was actually a princess of the 
line of David, though obscure, and actually a virgin when 
he was conceived, though after that the v/ife of a ca^rpen- 
ter. Every circumstance attending his birth, corresponded 
exactly Vvdth ancient predictions recorded in the Bible ; 
though, by the Vv'ay, it v^as by no means suited to the ex- 
pectation of the Jev;s. But, to irij great mortification, I 
must confess, that although the great men of the earth re- 
jected him, the angels of heaven descended to hymn their 
new-born Lord. The constellations of the firQiam.ent showed 
forth the birth of Messiah. Eastern sages heard the pro- 
clamation of the stars, and came to the city of Bethlehem, 
to offer oblations to the incarnate source of life. 

So very clear indeed are the Old Testament prophecies, 
concerning this affair, that the generality of the Jews vrere, 
at that time, in full expectation of the coming of Messiah ; 
therefore it required great address sumciently to blmd their 
eyes, that the}^ should not see and know him vvhen he came, 
to which purpose my speech Vv-as v/onderfully adapted. 
" You knov/, and all the holy rabbins knov/, continued I, 
that Messiah shall come in power and great glory ; shall 
break the iron yoke of Roman servitude fl'om ofi'your necks, 
and exalt the throne of David, his illustrious ancestor, high 
above the thrones of the kings of the earth, giving to his 
happy subjects dominion and grea.t glory, subjecting to your 
government all those who v/ish your destruction. Worthy 
L 2 



126 



DIALOGUES 



assembly, said I, you have chosen the great Fastosus as your 
president and director. Hearken, therefore, to me, and I 
will show you my opinion, concerning your expected Mes- 
siah, and his appearance among you. It is most probable, 
that when he comes, he will be born of illustrious parents, 
in the family of David, and when grown mature in years, 
you may expect to see meet in him, a combination of all 
great and good qualities. By his wisdom and prowess, he 
will rekindle the martial spirit of the Jew^ish warriors, lead- 
ing the armies of Israel to glory and conquest, and his throne 
shall be exalted above all the kingdoms of the earth. You 
may therefore expect that v^'hen Messiah shall come to your 
deliverance, you shall see an illustrious prince, attended by 
a warlike retinue, breathing vengeance against your ene- 
mies. But can this be him ? could the Messiah, think you, 
find nobody but poor shepherds to be the publishers of his 
birth '] More likely, if Jesus had indeed been the Messiah, 
he would have made choice of your reverences for his her- 
alds. Can it ever be supposed, my venerable rabbins, that 
an obscure person, attended by a few despicable fishermen, 
can have any legal pretensions to the vacant throne of illus- 
trious David ] Or can it ever be thought, that the son of a 
Galilean carpenter, attended by a few of the riff-raff of the 
people, is likely to restore the kingdom to Isra.el ? 

Besides, continued I, let him be what he may, it would 
bring dishonor on the princes of Israel, should they submit 
to be governed by the son of a mechanic. 

Who knows but the coming of Messiah may be yet more 
glorious, and ye shall see the heavens open over your heads, 
he §hall appear in the firmament, guarded on right and left 
by innumerable battalions of armed seraphs, with whom he 
may descend and stand upon the mount of Olives, before he 
shall make his triumphant entry into the holy metropolis 
of Jewry. Then shall he dispatch his flaming soldiers, with 
full commission to kill, destroy, and cause to perish all such 
stubborn Gentiles, who refuse to submit to the Jewish em- 
pire, now become universal. Your enemies all destroyed, 
great shall be your felicity and glory, for he shall reign 
among you in righteousness, peace, and glorious prosperity, 
unto all generations. 

To whom, my worthy rabbins, will he come, but to such 
a generation of righteous men as yourselves? Ye yourselves 



or DEVILS. 



127 



are witnesses of your own righteousness and devotion. None 
say longer prayers ; none give alms more publicly than you 
do. So great is your zeal for religion, that ye rob widows' 
houses for the good of the church. So pious your example, 
that my life for it, it will be imitated by the clergy in after 
ages. Your wicked ancestors fell very far short of your piety; 
for they killed the prophets, and stoned them who were sent 
unto- them ; but your reverences so far abominate their mur- 
derous deeds, that you build and beautify their sepulchres. 
You may safely conclude, that you are the righteous gene- 
ration to whom the Messiah will come." Thus I swelled 
their expectations so very great, that, when the real Mes- 
siah was actually among them, they reviled him as the worst 
of impostors. 

Infidelis. The great Fastosus and me, having showed 
our opinion, the devil Malevolus was humbly requested to 
speak his mind. And he, by this time, was in a transport 
of rage ; boisterously cried out, "Away with him for an im- 
posing villain ! If he were the Messiah, would you ever 
find him coming out of Galilee ] Search, and you will see 
that out of Galilee ariseth no prophet ; neither can any good 
thing come from thence. ^¥ere I in your places, I w^ould 
rather be subject to the Romans for ever, than suffer this 
fellow to reign over me. I hate his person ; I hate his at- 
tendants ; I hate his laws and doctrines ; and, above all, I 
hate his pretensions to the crown of Israel. It w^ere low 
times with you indeed, if an obscure carpenter should be 
exalted to the throne, to reign over the Lord's inheritance." 

Fastosus. It is time for us to attend our industrious sub- 
jects. Shall w^e meet here to-morrow, dX noon, as usual 7 

AIL Agreed, sir. We will meet. 



128 



DIALOGUES 



DIALOGUE X. 

ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT. 

As soon as the infernal gentry decamped, I went home, 
and found our parish priest at my house. I thought this a 
good opportunity of acquainting him with my adventure: 
but he concluded, v/ith the rest of my neighbors, that my 
brain was disturbed, and that those imaginary gentry were 
only the fruits of distraction. Hovv^ever, as 1 thought my- 
self capable of judging between imagination and reality, I left 
the parson to his mistake ; went to my closet to correct what 
I had taken down in the former part of the day ; and got all 
ready by the next day at noon, to listen to the sable gentry. 
Exactly at noon they came ; for I found them exceedingly- 
punctual one with another. As soon as they were seated on 
their ebon thrones, they resumed their discourse ; and Infide- 
lis thus began. 

L\^FiDELis. It happened that the venerable rabbins held 
another council, to assist at which, the devils, Falax and 
Perfidiosus were invited. In this august assembly, the main 
thing to be considered was, by what possible means, right or 
wrong, they might persecute and destroy Jesus of Nazareth 
from the face of the earth. The great rabbins and doctors, 
by this time, began to fear that if some decisive step was 
not speedily taken, all the country would become Nazarenes. 
This induced Ihem to apply to those worthy spirits, (who are 
known to be excellent contrivers) and fervently solicit their 
assistance. And, as they are by no means bashful, they very 
soon ^'ave the high sanhedrhn satisfaction. 

" Venerable rabbins, said they, we are apprehensive that 
it vvill be very difiicult to accomplish any thing against this 
Jesus of Nazareth, unless we can stir up enemies against' 
him, among those of his own household, and cause some, 
who eat bread at his table, to lift up their heel against 
him ; for you all know his condnct is perfectly unblamable.; 
Nov/ we have, at no great distance, a notable limb of the 
devil, trained up in all the mazes of deep deceit and treach- 
ery, fitted for such perdition. Him will we persuade to in- 
gratiate himself into the favor of Jesus, and to become one 



OF DEVILS. 



129 



of his train. When this is done, he shall act the traitor, and 
betray him into your hands, nothing doubting" but you will 
then take care to destroy his life, how innocent soever he 
may be." 

" Certainly we will, rejoined the high priest ; for it is ex- 
pedient that one should die for the people." Accordingly 
the devil was dispatched to this son of treachery, whose name 
was Judas Tscariot, who, being a plodding covetous man, in 
hope of getting a bag of money, took his instructions from 
Perfidiosus, went and joined himself to the train of Jesus, 
and obtained a part in the apostolic ministry. In the mean 
time, we, and the auxiliary Jews, did all in our power to pre- 
vent the advancement of his evangelic kingdom, by bring- 
ing the person and ministry of Jesus into as much contempt 
as possible. We represented him as a glutton, a drunkard, a 
Sam.aritan, a wizard ; and, in short, every thing that was 
bad. His doctrine we represented as subversive of the law; 
notwithstanding we knew him to be holy, harmless, and un- 
defiled, separate from sinners ; that he came to magnify the 
law, and make it honorable. Because his works were such 
as carried their own evidence with them, and which could 
by no means be contested, we persuaded many of the Jews, 
that they were performed by the power of Beelzebub. 
Others, who were better informed, being stirred up by the 
devil Malevolus, out of pure malice, fell in with the com- 
mon cry, and defamed him as one who had intercourse with 
Satan ; and thus they sealed themselves ours ; as we need 
never fear losing a man after he is capable of such transac- 
tions. 

Impiator. And who were they chiefly, father, who thus 
acted the devil's part so perfectly as to sin unpardonably ? 

Infidelis. Not the vulgar, who knew not the law, I assure 
you ; but men of priestly reverence, gentlemen in holy or- 
ders, gentlemen venerable for their erudition and literature ; 
the doctors in divinity, the scribes of the lavv^, the religious 
Pharisees were the men, and their descendants have in every 
age been their humble imitators. It is unknown how much 
the devil has been obliged to gentlemen of the gown, and 
to scholiasts in general. 

It happened, in process of time, our friend Judas found 
an opportunity to betray him into the hands of the principal 
priests, for the goodly reward of thirty pieces of silver ; for 



130 



DIALOGUES 



even Judas would not serve the devil for nothing*. At the 
same time my son Slavish Fear, who is a spirit of gigantic 
stature, fell upon and routed all his followers, so that none 
of them remained with him in his last temptations. As soon 
as Immanusl was seized and fettered, they led him in tri- 
umph to prison and judgment, where our steady friends, 
Hatred and Falshood, were appointed witnesses against him 
in behalf of the commonwealth. So very hard did they 
swear against him, that he was brought in guilty of death, 
as had been agreed on beforehand. As soon as the jury of 
priests brought in their verdict, the devil Crudelis, and Pi- 
late, who sat judge, arose and gave sentence against him; 
which, for its singularity, I shall repeat. 

1. That the Jewish plowers should make their furrows 
long and deep in his devoted flesh. 

2. That his face should be marred with shame and spit- 
ting. 

3. That his cheek should be bruised by the slavish hand 
of the barbarous smiter. 

4. That he should be delivered over, for further torment, 
to those who pluck off the hair. 

5. That, in mark of the greatest contempt, his temples 
should be torn with a mock crown of piercing thorns. 

6. That he should be crashed to the earth beneath the 
weight of the cross, to which he was to be nailed for exe- 
cution. 

7. That, in his extreme torture, he should have no drink, 
but the sourest vinegar mixed with gall. 

S. That, in the most barbarous manner which devils, priests, 
and soldiers could devise, his mangled body should be stretch- 
eel upon and nailed to the accursed wood. And, 

9. As unworthy of either, that he should be lifted up be- 
twixt heaven and earth, a spectacle to devils and men, and 
.there hang till he v/as dead. 

As soon as the sentence was denounced, the devil Malev- 
olus cried out, " Away with him ! soldiers, away with him ! 
Come, let us crucify him. His sentence is by far too mild. 
Away with the varlet to Calvary." So they led him away 
to crucifixion. 

At the same time our infernal nobility v/ere struck with 
amazement, at the seeming power which man had gained 
oyer Immanuel ; and great Beelzebub, in the midst of his 



OF DEVILS. 



131 



astonishment, thus addressed his senators : " Once was the 
memorable time that we made such an attempt to subvert 
the government of God, by resisting the power of Immanuel ; 
but great was our defeat, and dismal our overthrow. Our 
designs were not only frustrated, but we ourselves, in the 
height of our confusion, fiercely hurled from the resplen- 
dent summit of primeval glory, into the yawning gulf of un- 
fathomable perdition, where we are still reserved in these 
horrible chains, to the judgment of the great and terrible 
day : — a day, the very thoughts of which make this noble 
frame of mine to tremble as the quaking asp. But how it 
comes to pass I know not, these earth-born sons of ours seem 
exceedingly to surpass us in power : for I saw Immanuel 
stand fettered at their bar ; dumb as a sheep before her 
shearers, he opened not his mouth. I am much afraid there 

is some hidden mystery in it. What is this ? My 

undaunted mind is not wont to misgive me thus ! ■ 

What can this unusual tremor, which now invades my heart, 
portend 1 — T hate timidity, and 5^et T cannot help fearing, 
that this commotion of my intellects is ominous of some 
event, fatal to our interest. 

" I cannot deem it possible that the God of heaven and 
earth would patiently submit to such indignities, had he not 
some ends to answer by it, to which we at present are 
strangers. Often have I prophesied true ; but O may my 
-prophetic mind be mistaken in its present tim.orous fore- 
bodings ! Meanwhile, let us, my infernal brethren, harden 
ourselves in despair; for it is now long since hope took 
wing and fled from these dreary mansions. Strong in fury, 
and fired with revenge, let us quit ourselves like devils and 
avowed enemies of righteousness. As for me, I hold it good 
that we instantly fly to the assistance of our devoted friends 
the Jews. Having this unexpected opportunity, let us not 
fail to improve it to the best advantage ; let it not be owing 
to our negligence, if the state of Immanuel be not over- 
turned. Let us not have the hell to reflect, that we omitted 
any thing which might tend to promote the mterest of dark- 
ness." 

Great Beelzebub finishing here, and his motion being 
universally approved of, all the legions of reprobate angels, 
a few excepted, who were left to look after the affairs of the 
damned, took wing for earth, to assist at so very amazing an 



132 



DIALOGUES 



execution. Arrived at Calvary, they formed themselves 
into an invisible ring around the elevated cross, where, to 
their unspeakable astonishment and v^onder, hung Immanuel^, 
the maker of the world ; and you may be assured they did 
not fail, as far as it was in the power of fallen spirits, to 
torment his oppressed soul. Ay, ay, so successful were we 
devils, priests, and soldiers that day, that no less was hoped 
for than a decisive victory over the Son of God. 

But, how shall I speak it? to the everlasting mortifica* 
tion of the infernal peers, just as Immanuel was, to all ap- 
pearance, ready to expire, on a sudden he exerted his mighty 
power, seized old Beelzebub and dashed him against the 
cross, then casting him to the earth, he so bruised the head 
of the serpent with his heel, that there is great reason to 
believe he w^ill never recover as long as he lives. It would 
have grieved the heart of the very Crudelis himself, to see 
the abuse w^hich our great and venerable parent received 
on that occasion. 

Impiator. Well, sire, I cannot but think how truly the 
prophetic mind of Beelzebub foreboded his misfortune. But 
what were the rest of the chiefs a-doing ? Why did not all 
the veterans flee to his assistance ? 

Infidelis. a pertinent question, indeed, considering by 
whom it is made, m}^ son. But I assure you, w^e were never 
so greatly mistaken in our days as at that time. For when 
we thought ourselves sure of the victory, to our sad expe- 
rience we learned, that Lumanuel was the strongest in 
death. For even when he was dying, he laid us all under 
the most perfect arrest ; none of us could take one step, 
either backward or forward, but as he gave permission ; so 
that, being spoiled of all our power, we could not help our- 
selves, much less the afllicted prince. This done, he cried 
out with a voice which shook the very foundations of both 
earth and hell, " It is finished," and was then conveyed by 
death into an invisible state. 

This done, once more we thought the day our own. But 
here, I cannot omit that fearful stagnation of nature which 
happened then, and the set of new preachers which were in- 
troduced. For, when all under our influence had forsaken 
Immanuel, who was betrayed by one, denied by another, 
and forsaken by all his preachers, the indignant sun could . 
not endure that sight ; as if angry and ashamed at the pro- ; 



OF DEVILS. 



183 



ceedings of the sons of men, he covered his face with a sa- 
ble cloud, and denied one smiling ray to delinquent earth 
whilst his Lord was igiiominiously crucined. As if it had 
been seized with uncommon tremor, the earth itself fell 
into a fit of violent convulsions, the mountains reeled, the 
rocks rent, the graves opened, the dead arose, and all to 
preach the siiherings of the God of nature. An invisible 
hand rent the veil of the temple, that cloth of extraordinary 
texture, in twain, from tjie top to the bottom ; and a voice 
v/as heard to say, " The glory is departed from Israel, and 
now the most holy place is laid open." 

Death having conveyed Lnmanuel to its lonely mansions, 
the resolute, though maimed Beelzebub, our great prince, 
recovered himself as much as was possible, his head being 
incurably broken ; miustered his maimed forces and went to 
the assistance of Death, if possible, to keep Immanuel fast 
prisoner in the silent tomb. Nothing doubting, but if this 
could be, we should render all that he had heretofore done 
and suffered, null and void. The better to succeed in this 
important enterprise, we sealed the door of the sepulchre 
and set a watch of faithful soldiers, instructed by the chief 
of the Jewish priests ; and still to make the security stronger, 
every fiend did his utmost to impose weights on the buried 
body of Immanuel, to prevent his resurrection from the soli- 
tary grave. 

But, to our eternal confusion, on the third day of his in- 
visible state, he arose, shook himself from the dust, came to 
the door of the sepulchre, burst it open, and laid hold on 
Death, who stood as sentinel next to the door of the tomb, 
trampled him under his feet, and, by main force, wrenched 
from him his poisonous sting, that sad repository of all his 
strength. This done he said, " Henceforth, monster, hast 
thou no power over the people for whom I have died." Then 
he broke impetuously through all the lines of martial infer- 
nals, who stood in firm phalanx around the tomb, and seized 
the lately wounded chief, who was very ill with a fever in 
his mind, arising from his disaster upon Mount Calvary. 
He took the fiend, the great Beelzebub, chained him to the 
axle of his chariot, mounted his seat, and rode triumphantly 
through the gathering crowds of joyful saints, w^ho on golden 
pinions descended fi-om heaven, in solemn strains, to hymn 
their all-conquering and triumphant Redeemer* 
M 



134 



DIALOGUES 



O my friends, my dear infernals, it must have pierced 
your hearts with the most poignant sorrow, to see him drag- 
ged in triumph through all the hosts of saints and angels, 
who fearless stood in blazing ranks to see the longed for 
solemnity ; and, at the same time, to see our beloved friend 
Death lie gasping for life at the door of the sepulchre. Great 
was the confusion of the infernal brigades, when they saw 
their principalities spoiled, and Death and Satan so terribly 
handled : yea, so tremendous was their amazement, that to 
escape the avenging hand of risen Immanuel, they retreated 
even to the nethermost depths of hell, and his scattered dis- 
ciples again resorted to his erected standard. But the 
greatest disappointment and consternation was, when we 
understood that after all our diligence and hazardous exploits, 
we, with our auxiliary priests, &c. had done nothing, but 
what the hand and counsel of God had predetermined should 
be done ; that by our seeming victory over Immanuel, he 
had for ever subdued us under his feet ; and that all our 
hatred, envy and cruelty, was fully recompensed into our 
own bosoms ; now deeper damned than ever. 

AvARO. Ha ! father, these were troubles indeed, such as 
do not happen every day : but it is not for us to desist from 
tempting when our designs miscarry ; then should we not 
act the part of desperadoes, such as we are. 

Infidelis. Ah, gentlemen, great was the cause of my 
dismay ; for Immanuel gave such demonstration of hw 
Messiahship, that all which was written in the prophets? 
concerning him, was exactly fulfilled in his life and death. 
Yea, so very striking was the evidence, that many cried, 
" Truly this is a just man ;" and others, " Truly this is the 
Son of God." Therefore I greatly feared that all the world 
would become believers in him, and consequently shake off 
my yoke. But I was much obliged to my good friends, the 
Jewish clergymen ; for their reverences greatly befriended 
me, and warmly espoused my interest ; exerted their utmost 
power to establish the throne of great Infidelis, and to de- 
stroy the early seeds of Christianity, sown by Immanuel, and 
now beginning to grow. 

Immanuel having, in opposition to all the powers of dark- 
ness, finished the work for which he came down to the earth, 
he triumphantly ascended to his native heaven, to the pri- 



OF DEVILS. 



135 



meval embraces of his Eternal Father, and assumed all the 
ensigns of empyrean glory. 

Soon after this, the high festival of pentecost drew on, and 
I, as formerly, attended at Jerusalem, in the midst of many 
thousands, who, according to the law, came up to worship 
upon that occasion, not only from Judea, but from nations 
very remote. I dreaded no harm at the hands of a few illit- 
erate fishermen, having not been informed that any of the 
rulers, or of the scribes and pharisees, had believed in Jesus ; 
and therefore was at no pains to prevent the multitude 
coming up to the solemnity as usual. But here was another 
shock my kingdom sustained ; for Peter, the fisherman, who, 
so very lately, like a dastard, impiously denied his Lord with 
profane oaths, now filled with the Holy Ghost, stood up in 
the midst, and clearly proved that Jesus was the very Mes- 
siah ; and upon this occasion played off the heavy artillery 
of Sinai on the consciences of my people, which was attended 
with success so fatpd to me, that no less than three thousand 
were pierced through the heart at once, and fell on the field 
of action. Now it was that my evil apprehensions were 
again alarmed, plainly perceiving, that the artillery of the 
word was levelled against my person, and that the first end 
of the gospel was the subversion of my diabolical govern- 
m^ent. However, I drew up all the forces which I possibly 
could, in the hurry of that surprise, my soldiers crying out 
as they gave the volley, " These men are drunken with new 
wine." It was but a poor opposition to doctrine so powerful, 
I allow ; but it was the best that could at that time be made ; 
for we were obliged to retreat in much confusion, and leave 
the Christian fishermen masters of the field. 

As soon as we were a little recovered from the disorder 
into which that unexpected misfortune had plunged us, I 
summoned a council of war, in which the self-righteous 
Jews were the principal, next to our infernal train. I my- 
self gave special orders, that some method should be con- 
certed efiectually to destroy the name of Jesus ; for, said 1, 
" If we let them alone, all the people will believe in their 
doctrine." In this council it was resolved, to raise an army 
of those who were the greatest adversaries to the name of 
Jesus, to whom orders should be given to kill, destroy, and 
cause to perish, all who believed in this way, until the 
Christian religion should be banished from the face of the 



136 



DIALOGUES 



earth. This army was raised, and tlie command given to 
Saul of Tarsus ; at that time a mighty zealot for us, and 
who, for a season, made dreadful havoc of all that believed 
contrary to the faith of the priests. For it ought to be ob- 
served, that the opinion of the priests has been esteemed 
true orthodoxy, and the only faith, in all ages and countries. 

But here another sad disappointment and loss befell me ; 
for as this same captain Saul was on his march to Damas- 
cus, to fight a pitched battle with the Christians, it so fell 
out that Immanuel himself was taking a tour in the valley, 
to see how the pomegranates budded, and falling in with 
trusty Saul on his journey, unveiled his own personal excel- 
lencies to him, and laid him under an immediate arrest. As 
soon as he saw the beauties of Immanuel, he felt the most 
sincere esteem for his person, and conceived the most ex- 
alted sentiments of his friendship and love. Yea, he was 
even so much grieved that ever he had drawn his sword 
against him, that he renounced the service of Infidelis on 
the spot, took the oath of allegiance to Jesus, and thence- 
forward hated my person and government with the most 
perfect hatred, and did w^hat he could to overturn our state 
and subvert our government. 

Immanuel having the most tender regard for Saul, gave 
him a new name written upon a white stone, appointed him 
one of his prime ministers, and sent him on an embassy to 
my subjects to negotiate a revolt from me. 

You cannot conceive the astonishment the Jewish clergy 
were in, when swift- winged fame arrived and blowed abroad 
in every street, that Saul, who was formerly so zealous for 
our interest, was now become a ringleader 'of the sect of 
Nazarenes, and was likely to do us more mischief than all 
who had gone before him. 

By this time several of the Jewish rabbins rebelled 
against me, and joined themselves to the Nazarenes, who 
now made it their whole business to go from place to place, 
exhorting my subjects to revolt, exposing my deformity and 
devilishness, to all they met with. O ! those were trying 
times ; for notwithstanding we had forces out against them 
in every quarter of the world, to impede their progress, the 
word of God by their means prevailed in such a manner, 
that it was beyond our power to suppress it: for, if we 
bui-ned one Nazarene, two more presently sprang up out of 



OF DEVILS. 



137 



his ashes. Even Rome itself, then the metropolis of the 
world and seat of pagan virtue; and Athens, where Miner- 
va was said to have been trained up, were soon infested 
with this new doctrine, and very considerable numbers in 
them, durst oppose our government and dispute our title to 
empire ; even alleging that the wisdom of this world is 
foolishness with God, and that alb pagan virtue is but dross 
and dung in comparison of the gospel of Christ Jesus. 

However, to cut my story as short as may be, after many 
hundred thousands of the Nazarenes were slain, my sub- 
jects became weary of the war. By this time they saw 
clearly that persecuting them to death only served to in- 
crease their number and strength : so that if those restless 
devils, Malevolus and Crudelis, would have been quiet, 
they would gladly have dropped their weapon, and agreed 
to a cessation of hostilities with the Christians. 

Impiator. Little judgment as I am allowed to have of 
historical affairs, I myself have seen what effect opposition 
usually hath upon that class of people ; for if in any place 
where my standard is more eminently elevated, there hap- 
pened to be any of that sect, you shall find them more fer- 
vent in their study of virtue, and zealous in their opposi- 
tion to me, than in those provinces v/here Morality or Ci- 
vility preside. Ah ! gentlemen, we have had trying times 
pass over us. 

Infidelis. Trying times indeed. For notwithstanding 
the fervent zeal of Malevolus and Crudelis, the many sore 
campaigns they had served so enervated their arms, that, 
although their principles remained implacable, they were 
even obliged to sit down in despair of ever being able to 
extirpate the religion of Jesus from the world. 

But my fertile brain soon produced fresh devices. Seeing 
many of my temples forsaken, and my idols without mer- 
cy thrown to the pavement, I began to think of other expe- 
dients to impede the progress of Christianity. I labored to 
introduce Ease, and her handmaid Prosperity, among the 
Christians, not without hope, that when they were full they 
vrould forget their God. The better to favor this deep con- 
trivance, I persuaded the valiant Crudelis to scabbard his 
sword for a season, and leave the people of our heart to the 
possession of their tranquillity. 

It v/as not long that this scheme had been put in prac- 
M2 



138 



DIALOGUES 



tice, ere I began to reap the fruit of my wisdom ; for Ease 
and Prosperity wrought more to my advantage, than all the 
excursions of the devil Crudelis. When they were at ease 
from the lash of persecution, they were foolish enough to 
quarrel among themselves, grievously bit and devoured one 
another, the cause of their strife for the most part being, 
who should be the greatest. 

Fastosus. a very important question, much canvassed, 
bat never as yet resolved. Had I been a clergyman instead 
of a devil, I had certainly been a great casuist in this part 
of school theology. Never was a point of doctrine more 
belabored certainly than this, and never were people more 
divided in sentiments than about this resolution, even from 
the great church of Turkey down to the smallest dissent- 
ing congregation. The divines of the established church in 
Turkey stand stiffly to it, that Mahomet and themselves 
ought to preside over all the believing world. The doctors 
of France, Spain and Italy, are as hrmly persuaded that 
pre-eminence is due to none but his holiness and them- 
selves ; and that all who are not of the same opinion, are 
certainly in a state of damnation. 

As for their reverences in England, though they will 
deny no honor to his popeship, which really is his due, they 
will submit to none as the leading priest but his Grace of 
Canterbury, and consider that church which they are the 
pillars of, as the purest establishment that the lower world 
can boast of Others indeed there are who greatly question 
his Grace's right to preside, and therefore refuse to bow to 
his mitre, and therefore resolving to be enslaved in their 
own way. Hence, although the reverend members of the 
associate synod cannot in conscience submit to the cor- 
rupt governors of the kirk of Scotland, all of whom they 
have long since recommended to the care of the devil, 
much less can they bow to a metropolitan, whom they call 
the image of the pope, they can very cordially submit to 
the government of the reverend Mr. Adam Gibb ; because 
they themselves had the pleasure of choosing him. That 
goes a great way. And hence it is, every society has its 

Pope. The venerable of at submit for the 

same reason to the great ; and the of to the 

rev. ; so that, it is not submission itself that is object- 
ed to, so much as the mode of it : for gentlemen will be 



OF DEVILS. 



139 



Bubmissive enough, may they but choose a pope for them- 
selves. But remember this, whoever is chosen the pope of 
a party, is by his partisans always deemed the greatest 
For instance, at the foundary, none is so great as the Rev. 
Mr. John Wesley, sometime fellow of Lincoln, Oxon. And 

at the none ever preached or wrote like the great 

, D. D. author of , and of , and of , &c. 

&c.' &c. But amongst them all, a very few are found, who 
consider Jesus Christ as the greatest, and w^ho properly call 
him Master. 

AvARO. I thought Immanuel had settled that point long 
ago. Did he not establish this rule for the observance of 
his disciples, " Whosoever w-ill be great among you, let him 
be your minister; and whosoever will be chief among you, 
let him be your servant." Did not the divines abide by his 
determination ] 

Fastosus. No, Avaro. Quite the reverse : for the school- 
men will have it, that he who is chief shall be lord over his 
brethren. By these means they have annexed a certain de- 
gree of nobility to their religion, which Jesus never intended 
to be joined with his. But we hinder the reverend Infidelis 
proceeding with his story. 

Infidelis. Those female fiends, the ladies Prosperity and 
Ease, as plenipotentiaries for Beelzebub, made great propo- 
sals to them ; and indeed they soon established kingdoms, 
principalities, and powers, of the Christian name. 

Then w^ere the Christians able to maintain themselves 
against their pagan neighbors, my professed subjects. This 
I patiently bore, believing that the martial spirit of the 
Christians a little indulged for the present, w^ould greatly 
make for our interest and the final establishment of my 
kingdom. 

Those reverend ladies. Prosperity and Ease, had not been 
long amongst tiiem, ere many who bore the Christian name 
were desirous of coming to terms of agreement with me ; 
but upon this express condition, " That in the treaty of 
amity betwixt them and me, it should be stipulated that 
they still be called by the name of Christ, for it was now 
become scandalous to bear the name of another." This 
request I thought reasonable enough, and that to grant it 
w^ould be no very great concession on my part; therefore I 
readily agreed, and the treaty v^as confirmed. It is an in- 



140 



DIALOGUES 



variable rule with me, that it is not very material whether 
a man is called a Christian or not, provided I have but safe 
possession of his heart ; for names do not change the nature 
of things. 

This amiable fiend, lady Prosperity, rested not in her 
pleasing operations, until she had quite reduced the oriental 
nations to such a degree of reason, that they petitioned my 
personal return among them ; and, as my loving subjects, 
returned to their allegiance. Having now secured the ori- 
ental, the splendid lady and me undertook the conquest of 
the occidental church ; and, the better to succeed in our 
enterprise, we fixed our abode at Rome, famous both for an- 
cient and modern paganism. As for me, I knew it was ne- 
cessary I should remain incognito, until a fair opportunity 
should Oiler for my emerging out of darkness ; but my lady 
Prosperity decked herself in her richest attire and openly 
resided among the Christians, who were so ravished with 
her excellent beauties, that he was deemed the most happy 
man who could prevail with her excellency to take up her 
lodging in his house. Her ladyship, you know, is not to be 
won by every one who addresses her. Here she acted ac- 
cording to previous instructions, and made free with the 
bishop's house as best suited to our purpose. 

Wonderful were the works which she performed there; 
for, at her first arrival, the bishop Vv as no more than a plain, 
honest man, having but one congregation in his diocese ; 
but first she created him Reverend ; then his lordship ; then 
his grace ; and after that, his holiness, &c. Indeed, the vast 
dominion and immense revenues which she conferred on 
him, so swelled the haughty prelate, that, not contented with 
the honors then possessed, he claimed dominion over all as 
the father of the whole world. Even this was short of giv- 
mg content, unless he should also reign over heaven and 
hell ; therefore he hath seized the gates of both, and lets 
in and out just whom he pleases. Nothing short of arro- 
gating to himself the prerogatives of the Almighty could 
satisfy his ambition, such as his holiness, infallibility, su- 
premacy, &c. The devil himself never aimed at higher 
things. In the meanwhile, her ladyship, at her leisure hours, 
waited on those who were of any account among the Chris- ; 
tians, who, for the most part, had nothing of Christianity but * 
the name. Some, indeed, Vv^ere firmly attached to Iramanuel, ; 



OF DEVILS. 



141 



who could not be bribed even by her largest offers ; but 
their number was comparatively small. Seeing the pro- 
gress which Prosperity made, they v^^ent about the streets 
complaining in some such words as these : " This harlot, 
Prosperity, will be the ruin of Christianity." 

In process of time, I was sent for to the bishop's court, he 
being entirely reconciled to me. The worthy prelate re- 
ceived me w^ith all the reverence due to my person, and laid 
before me a beloved scheme, which he had designed, and 
of which he desired my opinion. 

Having maturely digested his plan, I replied, " Worthy 
and self-adoring sir, has your holiness power sufficient to 
defend your deityship, providing your divinity should be 
called in question ]" To which his holiness said : " Yes, yes, 
yes, 1 have, I have. There are several potent princes, who 
will conspire to make me omnipotent. They will spend 
their substance, depopulate their dominions, destroy their 
bodies, damn their ow^n souls, and the souls of their sub- 
jects, in defence of my godhead. There are many wise 
priests also, who will contribute all their wisdom, for their 
own emolument, to miake me omniscient or infallible." Hav- 
ing such an agreeable account of his holiness's affairs, I re- 
solved all his scruples at once, for thus I addressed him : 
" Most subtle of all the priests, if thus you are supported, I 
think all things go very favorably. Therefore lose no time 
in publishing to the world your excellent scheme of di- 
vinity ; let it be proclaimed that henceforth you are no longer 
man." 

Impiator. His holiness w^as in the right of it to disclaim 
humanity. What mortal man was ever endowed with such 
qualities as are hisi What mere man was ever infallible? 
Not Peter, he fell low enough. Infallibility is an essential 
attribute of Godhead, and his holiness being possessed of 
that, must needs be God. What man ever did, or ever will 
reign with despotic powder over all the priests and princes 
of the earth, putting down one and exalting another at his 
pleasure, like his holiness. It is by him that kings reign, 
and princes decree judgment ; and not by the Almighty, as 
formerly. Therefore his holiness can be no mortal man. 
And yet a mortal god is a strange sort of character. 

Infidelis. The great priest thanked me for my good ad- 
vice, secretly renounced the name of Jesus, and swore alle- 



142 



DIALOGUES 



giance to me; called for Falax, whom he chose for his 
gcrivener, aDcl Perfidiosus, whom he appointed secretary. 
Then, with all convenient speed, issued forth an edict, in 
which it was declared — 

1. That the word of God is no longer of any force, to 
decide religious controversies; but that the bare word of 
his holiness at Rome should determine in every case. 

2. That no man, henceforward, should dare to search the 
scriptures, contrary to the resolution of the apostolic chair ; 
the Bible being condemned as a book full of heresy and Pro- 
testant tenets; containing many things pernicious to the 
souls of men, and very derogatory from the honor of holy 
mother church. 

3. That the pope's Bible, or canons, decrees, and legends, 
are to be held as the only rule of faith and practice, ex- 
clusive of all others, under pain of eternal damnation. 

4. That God, who miade heaven and earth, hath no longer 
power to save or damn any man, without the pope's permis- 
sion ; and that the infallible bishop of Rome would save and 
damn whom he should think proper. 

5. Notice was given to all whom it might concern, that 
the free pardons v/ere already all expended. So that a for- 
mer proclamation, made from another quarter, which held 
forth nothing but free pardons, is to be held null and void ; 
and that, in future, no m?m may expect pardon, unless the 
full price is paid into the hand of a faithful priest, as dele- 
gate of his holiness. 

6. That the Holy Ghost is to be deem.ed incapable of the 
work of sanctification ; all the souls he hath undertaken to 
cleanse having been found with many spots upon them, be- 
fore they passed through his holiness's furnace, hereafter to 
be named. 

7. Advertisement: That his holiness the pope has, at 
great expense, obtained a very large quantity of the most 
purifying fire in hell, together with a battalion of the most 
skilful furies of the pit to work the flames, both of which 
he hath placed in limbo, alias purgatory, where, for a pro- 
portionable sum promptly paid unto one of his holiness's vas- 
sals, or priests, any Catholic spectre shall be burned as white 
as a bishop's hand. ; 

8. The better to encourage this branch of priestcraft, it ? 
was declared, that no case is quite desperate, but that of ; 



OF DEVILS. 



143 



those who abide by the Bible as the only rule of faith and 
practice. 

9. It was declared, that the Almighty has no longer any 
power to support princes in their sovereignty, that pov/er 
having devolved upon his popeship ; who, for the future, 
would exalt or debase princes, as they proved steady or un- 
steady to his interest. 

10. It w^as enacted, that no man should in the least call 
in question the pope's divinity, his supremacy, and infalli- 
bility ; and every person thus offending, should be deemed 
an atheist, an heretic and traitor, and as such should be de- 
stroyed. 

Now, my brother, having thus far carried on my history, 
let me beg you to recite some part of yours. 

Fastosus. With all my heart, brother ; but it must be to- 
morrow morning. Our time is nov/ spent. Business must 
be attended, or it v/ili wither and decay. 



DIALOGUE XL 

ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT. 

Fastosus. Pray, Crudelis, what is this mighty affair, that 
so highly tickles your fancy 1 Let your kindred share in 
your mirth, I beseech you. 

Crudelis. Yesterday aflernoon I was conjured up by 
'Squire Broadfield, to assist in the whipping of a poor man, 
who, being ready to perish with hunger, unluckily begged a 
morsel of bread at his door. But, before I give you an ac- 
count of the whipping, I shall first give you a specimen of 
the gentleman's character. 

'Squire Broadfield is a gentleman, and justice of peace. 
He is worth five thousand pounds a year ; and that is enough 
to make him a gentleman, even if his father had been a beg- 
gar ; to make him wise, though born a fool ; learned, although 
a very dunce. Indeed it must be owned, the principal part 
of his worship's education v/as had under I)r. Ringv/ood and 
Dr. Jowler, the celebrated tutors of his kennel. Their max- 
ims he perfectly understands, and their virtues he has adopt- 



144 



DIALOGUES 



ed. But, five thousand a year, you know, makes the study 
of the kennel truly classical. 

Talk you of Orpheus to him, his worship proposes the 
virtue of Ring-wood to your consideration. Do you admire 
the ardor which flames in the Iliads, his worship says, no 
music like the voice of Jowler. Tell him of the majesty 
of Virgil, he will hid you mind well the gait of his horse, 
what a majestic creature he is. An emperor, says he, 
might be proud to ride such another. Do you recommend 
the pleasures of solid learning to him, he is in raptures 
about the diversions of the chase. As yet he hath avoided 
the yoke of matrimony ; not that he was ever an admirer 
of continence, few gentlemen being more conversant with 
the fair sex than his worship. He keeps in his house a 
wanton train of over-fed servants, the superfluities of whose 
table would comfort the bowels of many indigent ; besides 
a pack of hounds, which devour more than serves to main- 
t>ain all the poor in tlie parish workhouse. But this miserable 
wretch, who cannot work, because he is lame, and having 
no parish to flee to for relief, clioosoth to beg rather than 
steal, for which his v/orship ordered him to be severely 
whipt by my good son the beadle, until he shall be made 
willing, either to steal for a living, or to die of hunger. 

Impiator. I am not certain that John Ketch, Esq. of 
fatal character, had any hand in procuring the law for whi}> 
ping beggars ; but certainly it adds greatly to his revenue. 
Nor am I certain that it was made on purpose to drive 
vagrants from begging to stealing, in order more speedily 
to ease the nation of such a burden ; but certain I am, it 
greatly helps to fill up the Tyburn Chronicle. But what 
more, cousin ? 

Crudelis. As the poor lame fellow was confronted by the 
beadle, and was convinced of the reality of his worship'a 
benevolent intention to have him well flogged, he fell on hia 
knees, and implored mercy for God's sake, and for Christ's 
sake, &c. promising that if he might be forgiven this 
once, he would never return to these parts any more. He 
pleaded his indigence, his hungry belly, his lameness, his 
belonging to no parish, and every thing his fear could de- ] 
vise ; but all served only to harden the justice's heart the , 
more. He ordered the beadle to take him away, and to do 
his duty immediately. The beadle signified to him, as they 



OF DEVILS. 



145 



drew near to the whipping-post, tliat he felt some relentings 
of heart towards hirn ; and that if he coiiid only give him a 
handsome fee, he would favor him as much as his reputation 
would admit of But, upon inquiry, finding that the old fel- 
low was so wicked as to have no money, his heart became 
like brass, and he resolved to ply him thoroughly, to the sat- 
isfaction of his worship. Accordingly, when 'Squire Broad- 
field and me arrived in company to see the sport, there was 
the poor rascal, whose poverty v/as his principal crime, tied 
to tJie post, and mangled with the cord, which the lusty beadle 
plied with nervous arm. 

Oh ! how his worship and me did laugh to see the villain, 
whose poverty was obstinate, leaping, as his lameness would 
let him, and writhing his bloody back, as the whip wa.s lustily 
played about him by the sturdy beadle; vvho, for his part, 
would rob, and steal, and do any thing, rather than be whip- 
ped by a trusty brother of the trade ; yea, would act ten 
thousand villanies, rather than die of hunger. This fellow 
must be a most incorrigible rogue, to be sure, if he is not 
willing, by this time, either to steal and be hanged, or pa- 
tiently to die of an empty belly. 

Impiator. What, Crudelis, have they made a law" to whip 
all beggars that infest your country ] 

Crudelis, No, no, Impiator. I heartily wisli there were 
such a law ; for then I would even quit my devilship to be- 
come king of the beadles. If all the beggars were to be 
punished at the whipping-post, (as I know no reason why 
they should not) perhaps his worship himself, and his rever- 
ence the parson of the parish, would not escape a thorough 
drubbing. And yet, Crudelis as my name is, I think the 
whip-beggar-law is very partial and unjust, as it lays hold on 
none but poor petty beggars, who would be content wnth 
bread, shins of beef, and table-beer; whilst others may, with 
impunity, beg and obtain some thousands a year of the na- 
tion's money. 

What are all the ranks of mankind, but so many beggars ] 
Does not his reverence, the inferior clergyman, beg a living 
from my lord bishop, or some neighboring nobleman ] and 
do not their lordships beg of the king ? Do not the very 
members of parliament come, hat in hand, and meanly beg 
of the corporation, having no consciousness of worth in them- 
selves ] Do not the pliant courtiers sue to the favorite, for 
N 



146 



DIALOGUES 



places of trust for sake of the profit] — Beggars all, except 
the stern patriot, a pelican v/hich does not appear once in a 
century. But if their lordships, the noble beggars, and their 
honors, the gentlemen beggars, are to be considered as au- 
thors of the whipping law, I should have w^ondered indeed, 
if care had not been taken to exempt themselves from its 
penalty. 

The case stands exactly thus. If a gentleman, extrava- 
gant beyond his revenue, begs for a thousand or two per an- 
num, he shall not only escape with impunity, but obtain his 
suit; provided always he would be the humble pliant crea- 
ture of the minister ; but if a poor, helpless, low-born wretch, 
pinched with hunger, happens to beg a piece of bread in an 
interdicted place, he shall be exercised at the wdiipping- 
post. 

Infidelis. I think, brother Fastosus, you agreed to give 
us some account of your affairs. W e should hold ourselves 
much honored by the favor. But for this, I would beg the 
history of my son Crudelis, who makes himself so merry at 
the expense of foolish vicious mortals. 

Fastosus. His history might be entertaining enough, I 
suppose ; but doubtless mine must be much more elegant and 
instructive, as my concerns have been mostly with vener- 
able gentlemen, and with none more than those of the sac- 
erdotal function. 

Notwithstanding I prevailed with the Jews, almost unani- 
mously, to contem.n the person and testimony of Jesus of 
Nazareth, the Christian religion gained ground in the world. 
Yea, the word of God grew mightily, and prevailed over 
the traditions of both Pagan and Jewish sages ; therefore, from 
thenceforward I found it necessary to deal deep in the things 
of religion. 

I began my trade with ecclesiastical titles, which were 
altogether unknown in the days of Christ and his apostles: 
a set of goods very venerable with the populace, and wholly 
of my manufacture ; — an assortment of trifles, which greatly 
pleased the lords of religion, and forwarded the deep designs 
of priest-craft. 

Impiator. With your leave, sir, I have heard that all 
the lord bishops are descended in a right line from the apos- 
tles ; must it not then follow, that the convocation at Jeru- ' 
galem consisted of the most reverend fathers in God, their 



OF DEVILS. 



147 



graces, my lord Peter, my lord Pau],&c. &c. metropolitans; 
and the right reverend fathers in God, my lord Stephen, my 
lord Philip, my lord Timothy, my lord Barnabas, &c. dioce- 
sans ] 

Infidelis. Son, you ought not to interrupt your honor- 
able uncle. You may remember that these titles are all of 
later date. 

Fastosus. My nephew shall hear, if he will but have a 
little patience. The famous lady Prosperity and you, bro- 
ther, had not been a very great while at Rome, before I 
found sufficient encouragement to erect my office for vend- 
ing sacerdotal titles there, and I must own that for many 
years I had a brisk run of trade, until in fact the church 
had room for no more, from the great infallible priest at 
Rome down to a Cumberland curate. The first production 
of this kind was a very brilliant medal, inscribed vvith these 
five capital letters, P. A. T. E. R. which having finished, I 
presented at a general convocation of bishops, who as yet 
were not become reverend. They w^ere highly pleased with 
the device, having never seen such a thmg before. The 
worthies examined it, one after another, and all found that 
the venerable letters, well put together, and properly in- 
terpreted, signified Father. And certainly the event has 
proved, that great is the magical power of this medal. 

Every one said to his fellow, " What can be more agree- 
able to our function than this venerable title 1 Are not we 
the fathers of the people]" They forgot that One is the 
father of the people, even God. I was therefore desired, 
w^ith all speed, to procure a like medal for every member 
of this august assembly. Soon after this, I provided medals 
more highly finished, and inscribed, 

P, A, T, R, I, A, R, C, H, A, 

one of which I bestowed on the holy bishop of Rome; a 
second I gave to the bishop of Alexandria ; a third to that 
of Constantinople, a fourth to that of Jerusalem ; and a fifth 
to him who presided in the church of Antioch. In all which 
places my medals were more highly valued than the finest 
ruby ; and he who could by any means obtain one of them, 
was supposed to be elevated far abov^ the common rank of 
mortals. 

Long and very successfully had I followed that medallion 



148 



DIALOGUES 



trade, when a famous and worthy prelate of Rome, who was 
a great admirer of my pi°oductioiis, came into my office. Af- 
ter doing- obeisance to me, and turning- over my pretty de- | 
vices, he asked me, If I thought, with all my ingenuity, I 
could produce a genuine medal with this inscription, I 

P, A, P, A, S, : S, U, P, Pv, E, M, U, S. 

OR, 

EPISCOPUS UNIVERSALI S." 

I told him, that if all the artists in hell were to unite their 
wisdom in one mechanical head, it would be utterly impos- 
sible ; for, said I, the whole creation doth not furnish suffi- 
cient materials. But if it please your holiness, I can make 
you a sham m.edal of that sort, which may perhaps answer j 
all the ends you have in view, as well as if it were real. i 
Oh ! said he, I care not, for my part, whether it is real or 
counterfeit, if I can only, by your assistance, my worthy 
Fastosus, impose upon the credulity of mankind, and make 
the world believe that I am supreme pope and universal 
bishop ; then I should reign with despotic power over the 
estates and consciences of all Christians. My good friend, 
please you to make me the medal, and I will cause the 
world to believe that I had it from the Almighty, with let- 
ters patent under the broad seal of heaven, for the sole use 
of it to me and my successors for ever. " I well know, re- 
turned I, that your holiness means no more, than in a pious 
manner to impose the cheat upon the world, the better to 
fill your coffers, and aggrandize your name ; in which laud- 
able undertaking your adored Fastosus shall be ever ready 
to direct and assist.^' 

To v/ork I w^ent, having called in the assistance of seve- 
ral of our friends, and made a counterfeit medal, in the 
likeness of a treble crown, v/ith certain inscriptions of the 
cabalistic kind upon it. They were short but pithy sen- 
tences, as you shall hear. 

On the one side of the first crown was inscribed. He that 
is honored as the wearer of this medal, is possessed of infal- 
lible knowledge. Opposite to that was carved, in fine Ital- 
ian, Pie is supreme over all laws, divine and human. On 
the right side of the- second crown, were these words, in 
large capitals, This is the head of the Church. On the left 
were these, This is the vicar of Christ, and successor of 



OF DSVjL; 



149 



Peter. On tiie third aad uppermost crown were the follow- 
ing, The keys of heaven, heli, and pur-gatory, are in his pos- 
session, and used only at his pleasure. PwOund the edge was 
this writing. He reigneth supreme over all the kings of the 
earth, putteth down one, and exalteth another at his plea- 
sure. 

When finished, I presented it to the arch-prelate, Vvdio re- 
ceived it with all imaginable thankfulness, viewed it with 
the most exquisite delight, and oftener than once, protested 
by his infallibility that he had never seen any thing contri- 
ved with equal art, nor so suitably adapted to his aspiring 
principles. Transported with joy, he cried out, " O thou in- 
genious spirit ! bless thee for thy assistance ! This precious 
medal will exalt my name above all that is called God; all 
the European princes will now become my vassals, and the 
adorers of my priestly majesty. But, to complete the work, 
I pray thee, good Fastosus, think of some suitable device 
for me, by which I may bind all the various ranks of the 
clergy to my interest ; for I shall never dare to show my 
miraculous medal, nor divulge the delightful inscriptions on 
it, unless I have something of tlie like nature to present to 
their reverences; for this alone w^ill excite them to favor 
the cheat. As for laymen, the scum of nature, I regard 
not them. They are asses, upon whom Vv'e shall ride with 
pleasure and profit ; and if at any time they ride restif, we 
will tame thera with the rod of discipline, and so belabor 
them with the cudgel of excommunication, that with glad- 
ness they shall submit implicitly to our decisions. Could 
not the great Fastosus strike me a variety of medals, of dif- 
ferent Vy/orth pmd designs, and lodge them safely in my pos- 
session, that I may have the sole distribution of them among 
my depending clergy; for unless they cleave as close to me, 
as the scales to the back of Leviathan, I shall never be able 
to support my pretensions to infallibility a.nd supremacy. 

To which I replied, " Great priest, in order to bind the 
clergy inviolably to your interest, let me advise you to take 
.care that your decisions be always in their favor: place 
your own grandeur in front of all your proceedings, and let 
theirs immediately folio Vv^ it." Which advice the good man 
cordially embraced, and ever since has invariably followed 
it with the utmost precision. 

From henceforth, continued I, T give you full power and 
N2 ' ' 



150 



DIALOGUES 



authority to preside over all those medals which I have al- 
ready issued forth ; and for the future, the disposal of them 
shall be at your holiness' pleasure. I will moreover add to 
the number, and you shall have more than sufficient to gain 
all the clergy to your party. But observe, you must receive 
this pov/er at the hand of great Fastosus; for it is by me 
alone that you can lord it over the estates and consciences 
of men. The great prelate heard with attention, and then 
rejoined, " Mighty Fastosus, if yoo will oblige me in this, 
you may depend upon me and all my successors as faithful 
subjects ; implicitly obedient servants to your highness, and 
your father Beelzebub. Nor do I doubt but the rest of the i 
priests, for the sake of power, will be equally loyal to you, j 
and implacable enemies to Immanuel ; therefore your kind- 
nesses shall bo gratefully returned on our parts." 

" Very Vv'ell, said I, but be sure that all your villany be 
carried on under the show oi' Stanctity, otherwise you will 
do us but little service." ; 

AvARO. Then, sir, by what you say, it may be concluded, '■. 
the hoary prela^te at Rome is very sensible that he is Beel- 
zebub's agent, and that all his pretensions, beyond those of 
the lowest pastor, are an imposition. 

Fastosus. Yes, Avaro, he knows it very well, and that 
makes him the more like unto us. Indeed the cheat is so 
pal-pable, that any one who has read his Bible with atten- 
tion must needs see through it. But by these proceed- 
ings, I soon found I had cut out a great deal of v/ork for 
myself, so that I v/as obliged to be doubly diligent. How- 
ever, my sole delight being to promote the works of dark- 
ness, I soon struck off seventy new medals, inscribed Car- 
DiNALis. These I presented to his holiness, who examined 
them with great attention, and was highly pleased with the 
ingenious device. 

" Most noble spirit, said he to m.e, these medals, I per- 
ceive, will raise the gentlemen who receive them next in 
dignity to myself, and they will be the first and most able 
to support the see of Rom.e." You must needs knov/, my 
friends, that this prediction has been fully accomplished. 
For in all ages, since the cardinals have received their 
medals, they have been truly indefatigable in establishing 
the power and supremacy of the Pope. His holiness and 



OF DEVILS. 



151 



they being* so intimately connected, that they must stand or 
fall together. 

In the next place, I struck off a considerable number, 
somewhat inferior to the former, distinguished by .a Mitre 
on one side, and on the other by the inscription Archi-epis- 
copus ; which, in like manner, I presented to the father of 
the world, much to his satisfaction. These, said he, shall 
fix the class next to the former, and I doubt not but every 
one of them will be sufficiently obsequious, in expectation 
of a cardinal's hat. The archbishops being thus disposed of, 
I took all the diocesan medals, which I had formerly pro- 
duced, and put them under the care and disposal of the pre- 
late ; and he was pleased to assign them to those, who were 
next in place to the archbishops, each one in humble ex- 
pectation of higher preferment. 

AvARO. Hah, uncle ! was it you that made those titles, 
ascribed to the various orders of the clergy 1 

Fastosus. Was it I, do you ask ? Yes, it v/as I indeed ! 
Who ever read in the New Testament, any thing at all 
about a supreme bishop, or about cardinals, and lord bishops'? 
I made them all, I assure you, nephew ; though I will not 
affirm that every person who has borne these names, has 
been absolutely imder the dominion of pride. 

To my great honor I speak it, Avaro, I ceased not w^hen 
I had made their lordships the diocesans, but went on with 
my trade, until I had procured curious medals for a very 
great number of abbots, swarms of monks and friars, Jesuits, 
Franciscan and dominican friars, with a long train of et cet- 
eras, who soon appeared in shoals, as numerous as locusts 
when they ascend out of the bottomless pit. Then followed 
the bare-headed capuchins, mendicants, penitents, pilgrims, 
&c. without number. Those religious gentry owe all their 
dignity to me, unless it may be that Avaro has some little 
Piand in the matter. 

Avaro. You do me great honor, sir, in mentioning me as 
a v/orker together with you. 

Fastosus. After all this, the subtle priest thought that 
the antichristian hierarchy of Rome could not stand upon a 
foundation solid enough, unless all, or at least some of the 
princes of Europe Vvere invested v/ith ecclesiastical titles, 
sjid so adopted into the new-modelled church. Therefore, I 
told his holiness, that I had tliree higlily finished medals by 



152 



DIALOGUES 



me, ready prepared, fitting for royal personages. Here, said 
I, is one inscribed Rex Catholicus ; let it be presented to 
your servant his majesty of Spain. This second medal, in- 
scribed Rex Christianissimus, v/ill be an acceptable present 
to your vassal the French king : and this third, inscribed 
Rex Fidelissimus, I advise you to bestow upon the little 
monarch of Portugal. His hoary holiness, w^ith raptures, re- 
plied, " Very good, most noble Fastosus ; this device will 
doubtless secure all these three princes, as so many pillars, 
to support my infallibility. But what of the king of England, 
sir] I dread those islanders. Is there no medallion charm, 
by which that invincible prince can be secured to our in- 
terest] I pray you, good Fastosus, lend me an hand in this. 

I shall endeavor to serve your holiness, replied I, and 
then he withdrew. Soon after T presented him with a medal 
suited to his Vv^ish. It bore the inscription. Defensor Fide, 
and was given to the monarch of England ; but, alas ! it has 
not answered our expectations ; for this same monarch, in- 
stead of defending the orthodox faith of Rome, was the first 
crowned head that protested agamst the supremacy of the 
Italian bishop. 

AvARO. It is somewhat droll, that the king of England, 
having shaken off the yoke of Rome, should still keep pos- 
session of the medal, Vv^hich liis predecessors received as a 
present from the pope. One would think that when the 
pope himself was renounced, in strict justice, all his gifts 
should have been restored, and the title. Defender of the 
Faith, have been by a Protestant prince rejected amongst 
• the rest of Romish trumpery; but wonders never cease. 
Did you finish here, sir ? 

Fastosus. No, Avaro, I assure you, many titles besides these 
were first issued from my office, such as his grace, a title 
claimed by many a graceless duke, as well as anti-christian 
priest. His lordship, a title by which many a profane noble- 
man and irreligious bishop are distinguished. His honor, 
claimed by many who never felt one desire after true honor. 
When a gentleman's honor depends merely upon his estate, 
table and equipage, such a title as his honor, very ill becomes 
him, yet many such there are who claim the appellation. 

Avaro. If high birth, and an ample fortune, do not entitle 
a man to his honor, I pray you what will 1 

Fa.^tostjs, An honorable conduct, Avaro, without which 



OF DEVILS. 



153 



he is only a clown in disguise. And many such fools you 
may find wrapped in scarlet and lace, with swords dangling* 
by their sides. 

Impiator. I beg leave to observe, that according to modern 
maxims in my country, he is esteemed a man of honor, who 
can imitate the popish priests in scorning v/edlock, and fre- 
quenting the company of lewd women. He who is a stran- 
ger to every delicate and chaste sentiment ; who scorns re- 
ligion, disregards morality, and thinks it beneath his dignity 
to keep any of the commands of God ; or even for a moment 
to reflect that there is an hereafter. It would be diflncult to 
persuade some people, that the British senate is too much 
composed of such men of honor as these. I sliould be glad, 
sir, to hear your opinion of a man of honor more at large, 
for I know^ that you are wise. 

Fastosus. a gentleman of true honor, fails not to im- 
prove his estate, be it great or small, to the best advantage ; 
for he is neither indolent nor extravagant. His increasing 
revenues are not heaped up for adoration, nor laid by as 
useless lumber, but applied to clothe the naked back, and 
refresh the empty belly. His principal care is not how he 
may aggrandize his family, but how he may best serve his 
kino- and country ; for he lives not to himself, but to the 
public good. He adheres to strict truth, is an utter stranger 
to impertinent raillery, and perfectly detests the voice of 
slander. In his civil affairs, he does the same things to su- 
periors, inferiors, and equals, which he would wish others 
in like circumstances to do for himself If at any time he 
is so unhappy as to give his neighbor just cause of offence, 
he is free and open in confessing his erroi% and ready to re- 
trieve it to the utmost of his power. The title of his honor 
is well becoming such a man as this, whether his estate is 
great or small, his birth illustrious or obscure. But merce- 
nary statesmen, plunderers of the public, ill deserve the 
titles with which they are distinguished. Happy might it 
be for Britain, if she could always procure officers for every 
department, in government, who would prefer the welfare 
of the nation to their own personal and domestic emolument ! 
And this every man of true honor will be sure perpetually 
to do. 

AvARO. Then, uncle, I am inclined to think, that men of 
honor ai-e not quite so plenty as some people have imagined. 



154 



DIALOGUES 



Fastosus. I am sorry to say it, Avaro ; but, bad as the 
world is, there are still many to be foand, who with propri- 
ety may be called men of honor : but it is well for us, they 
are mostly of obscure character. They cannot act the 
cringing knave, and vilely flatter their superiors, in order 
to gain preferment. Their countenances, adorned with 
comely modesty, cannot contend with the impudence of 
fools and rogues, therefore continue obscure when the most 
worthless are exalted. But if a truly honorable man should, 
by some miracle, ascend to an eminent station, and be in- 
trusted with public concerns, his country is sure to find a 
nursing father, and not an accursed step-dame in him, as is 
often the case with other governors. 

There is, likewise, his reverence the parson, a title 
ascribed to many men, who lead very irreverend lives. 

Avaro. True, sir ; but it is the vulgar opinion, that the 
reverence of the parson does not depend upon his moral 
conduct, but upon his investiture, received from the hand 
of the bishop. 

Fastosus. I know it Avaro ; but it is a prevailing mis- 
take. Imposition of the hands, even of an apostle, could 
never make any man reverend, whose doctrine is heterodox, 
or whose conversation is immoral : otherwise our friend Si- 
mon of Samaria might have been numbered among their 
reverences. Indeed, Avaro, were any man hardy enough 
to attempt it, I know of no subject more proper for satire 
than the pretended reverence of the parsons. But he must 
be daring indeed, who would set himself to oppose the or- 
thodox priests of the day, for that would be thougfht by many 
the very same as to oppose God Almighty himself, and every 
body would cry Atheist at him. 

Avaro. Pray, sir, what is your opinion of reverence, and 
to w^hom may the epithet of reverend consistently be given ? 

Fastosus. To very few of the leaders of any denomina- 
tion, Avaro ; and yet perhaps to some few of every denomi- 
nation among Protestants. I hate them, cousin, and could 
not bear to talk of them were it not to oblige you ; for they 
are avowed enemies to our administration, as you will see 
by the description of them. For he is a reverend minister, 
whether he was educated at Oxford or Aberdeen, who makes 
not gold, but the glory of Immanuel, and the welfare of im- 
mortal souls, the first end of his labors ; who is assiduous in 



OF DEVILS. 



155 



his study, fervent in his ministry, and has a paternal affec- 
tion for his people ; who studies not how to please the great, 
or to gain the esteem of the staring multitude, but to approve 
himself to God and the consciences of men, not shunning to 
declare the whole counsel of God, without any mixture of 
the inventions or traditions of men. 

You may follow this man from the church to the market, 
from the pulpit into his family, and find hnii all of a piece. 
His whole conduct is one chain of uniformity. But it is not 
every gownsman, either papal or protestant, nor even every 
dissenting minister, wdiom this description suits. Some there 
are, and who can deny it, who are haughty and overhearing 
in their spirits ; indolent in study ; cool and lifeless in their 
ministry ; thoughtless and unconcerned about the real wel- 
fare of their people. Yea, some are so wretchedly lazy, 
or so much taken up with idle and vain amusements, that it 
is with difficulty they can bring forth, once a week, an ora- 
tion, fifteen or twenty minutes long ; and that scanty pro- 
duction, perhaps, when it is exhibited, proves no more than 
a lecture on moral philosophy ; or it may be a libel against 
some different party or denomination of Christians. You 
may follow some of them from the church to their families, 
and be fully convinced they are divines only in name. They 
neglect in their families the very duties which they recom- 
mend to others. And what is still more, connive at the same 
vices in their families, which they expose and condemn in 
the pulpit. But after all, they have the cure of souls, and 
are the venerable and reverend clergy, in the same manner 
as the pope is the head of the church : I mean by craft and 
usurpation. 

AvARO. I have got a noble company of these same par- 
sons in my corporation of Avarice, whose business it is to 
vend wind in order to obtain wealth. A company confined 
to no one denomination, but made up of all. Every one of 
this company has got his own system of priestcraft, but all 
are intent upon the main point, viz. to get as much wealth 
by his craft as possible. Indeed, the mother church of Rome 
very far outstrips the rest, for she may lavv^fully boast that 
her clergy, to a man, are the stedfast worshippers of the god 
Avaro, their great benefactor. 

However, the Protestants, both Calvinists and Lutherans, 
all who are freemen, in the company of Avarice, keep as 



156 



DIALOGUES 



near as possible to the orthodox priests of Rome, in making* 
a lucrative trade of what they call the gospel. And however 
they differ about what is, and what is not, gospel, they see 
eye to eye in regard to making profit of it, and turning the 
altar of the Lord to their own emolument. 

Infidelis. How should it be otherwise, my son, seeing 
there are in some places manufactories, on purpose for 
making parsons'? 

Fastosus. So I have heard, brother, with this addition, 
that the making of parsons is reckoned both a lucrative and 
honorable employment, not unworthy of m.y own patronage. 
But, between you and me, the parson-makers are grievously 
disappointed frequently, however little they are sensible of 
it: for when they put their materials into the refining fur- 
nace, they hope to see at the end of the process, a bright 
and shining minister of Jesus Christ come forth : but lo ! a 
learned calf is produced, and a fervent adorer of the god 
Avaro. 

Infidelis. It cannot be otherwise ; for, to our grief I 
speak it, the unalterable Immanuel hath reserved to himself 
the wisdom, power, and prerogative, to make ministers of 
the gospel ; and if men, like Jannes and Jambers, will take 
upon them to imitate the immutable works of the Almighty, 
they may be permitted to make things which may, for a 
time, be mistaken for gospel ministers, even as those magi- 
cians performed miracles by divine permission. 

Impiator. So then, gentlemen, I perceive your opinion is, 
that learning the languages and sciences unfits a man for 
being a gospel minister. 

Fastosus. No, Impiator, no such thing, or the gifl of 
tongues had not been given at the feast of Pentecost : but 
it may be averred, that if a man has no more learning than 
the most learned university can give him, he cannot pos- 
sibly be a minister of Jesus Christ. It is resting in these 
things as the only qualifications, we think proper to laugh 
at, Impiator. 

Avaro. Among those mercenary orators, there are whom 
we call the Jumblers. They are such who study not their 
sermons from the scripture, but compile them from the wri- 
tings of other men. Being destitute of judgment to direct 
them in their compilations, they are obliged to rely implicitly . 



OF DEVILS. 



157 



on the sentiments of their authors. So it comes to pass, 
that they contradict on one Sabbath what they asserted and 
half proved the day before, merely because they happened 
to stumble on authors of different sentiments. But, alas! 
poor men, what shall they do ] It is their trade ; they know 
not how to get a living without it ; they cannot dig, and to 
beg they are ashamed ; therefore are under a necessity of 
jumbling forward, in the best manner they can. Of late 
years, indeed, this jumbling tribe have hit on a more happy 
method of management, by which they both save their repu- 
tation and laborious study. Amongst learned men, there 
have always been some few of genius and industry, w^ho 
have found means to turn the dullness and indolence of their 
brethren to their own emolument. They compose sermons, 
print and sell them to the others, who pay first a good price 
for them, then preach them, that is to say, read them to their 
several congregations. Enfield's, and Webb's, and Trusler's 
sermons have been of great use to many a dull and lazy 
clergyman. 

Fastosxis. How is this, Avaro? You speak of the par- 
sons as if they were at best but learned fools. How is it 
possible they should be so highly revered by the people if 
they were such I 

AvARO. I speak but of some of them, uncle ; and to make 
good what I say, I can tell you that it is not the man, whom 
the ignorant populace revere, so much as the gown, cassock, 
and band ; and these they would revere if they were seen 
upon an ass, provided always, his ears were hid with a bush 
of well-powdered hair. I assure you, gentlemen, amongst 
the intelligent laity, it is deemed a maxim, that any block- 
head will do very well for a parson, if he has but friends to 
recommend him to a living : as a proof of this I shall tell 
you a short story. There is one Mr. Provident, a merchant 
in London, who had four sons at a grammar-school, under 
the direction of a learned gentlem.an of excellent sense. It 
was lately Mr. Provident made a visit to his sons and their 
tutor, when he took occasion to ask Mr. Teachum's advice, 
in regard to his disposal of them. 

To which the schoolmaster replied : " Sir, I have often, 
with pleasure, observed a penetrating judgment, solid un- 
derstanding, and an inviolable attachment to truth, ennobled 

O 



158 



DIALOGUES 



with the generous principles of true benevolence, in your 
eldest son. These qualities, sir, are excellently adapted to 
the mercantile life. I would therefore advise you to train 
him up in your own business. Your second son, Master 
Thomas, has genius sufficient for any business ; but I hope, 
sir, you will excuse me, if I tell you that I have discerned 
one thing in him, which, in my judgment, unfits him for the 
capacity of a merchant. As I know, sir, you would have 
me to speak freely, you will not be offended with me, if I 
tell you that it is a selfishness and contracted ness of spirit, 
together with a violent propensity for lying and equivocation. 
If he were my son, sir, I would bring him up to the law, in 
which he will very likely make a conspicuous figure. Your 
youngest son, Master James, has, if I mistake not, along with 
a very considerable degree of dullness, an heart that is a 
stranger to sympathetic feelings ; but possesseth genius suf- 
ficient for a physician. I would point out the royal college 
for his residence." 

Here Mr. Provident, the merchant, interrupted him, and 
said, " Sir, you have given your opinion of the two eldest^ 
and the youngest ; but you say nothing of Harry, my third 
son. I pray, what do you say of him'!" To which the 
teacher, with a blush, replied, " If it is agreeable, sir, I 
would advise you to make him a clergyman." To this the 
father, with a mixture of grief and anger, replied, What, 
sir, do you think he hath genius sufficient for nothing else ]" 
" I am afraid not, said the master ; but you can easily make 
friends with my lord bishop, and procure him a considerable 
benefice. Take this step, sir, and his lack of genius will 
scarcely be known, as he may preach and administer the 
offices of the church by proxy, which you know is very gen- 
tleman-like." 

Infidelis. And do you really think, Avaro, that it is want 
of abilities to preach, that causeth so many vicars to keep 
journeymen to do their work for them 1 

Avaro. With some, sir, want of abilities is the principal 
cause, and with the rest, an utter aversion to the work ; 
though, by the way, they once professed to be drawn to it by 
no less an influence than that of the Holy Ghost ; but that 
was when a benefice was the object of their pursuit, and 
therefore not to be regarded after their end is obtained. 



OF DEVILS. 159 

Fastosus. Cousin Avaro, here I believe we must stop, as 
we have certainly overstaid our time. I hold it good, there- 
fore that we depart, and meet here at the usual time to- 
morrow. Business, you know, must not be neglected. Adieu, 
my kinsmen. 



DIALOGUE XIL 

ALL THE DIALOGEAISS PRESENT. 

Fastosus. Well, gentlemen, I hope no idleness has at- 
tended any of our fraternity, since last meeting.. I went 
directly from you to assist a London jeweller in forming a 
set of ear-rings and pendants upon a new construction. I 
made him sensible of the most elegant plan, enjoined him 
to pursue it, give the praise to his patron Fastosus, and so I 
left him. 

Impiator. I pray you, sir, what is the real use of ear- 
rings] For my part, I have never been able to apprehend 
it, unless it is to save a small matter of gold against a day of 
penury. 

Fastosus. They are of no use at all to the w^earer, Impi- 
ator, though they help the goldsmith and lapidary not a little ; 
but they are of excellent use to our government. You know 
the boring of the ear always was and now is an emblem of 
servitude. Yea, it is an incontrovertible point that the act 
of boring, and suffering the ear to be bored, is a token of 
subjection to the infernal monarch. 

Impiator. Ah, sir, how violently the spleen would rage 
among the ladies, were they to know what you say of them. 

Fastosus. And let it rage, cousin. What is that to me 1 
—The ladies are too much in love with courtly Fastosus, to 
banish me from among them, even in their spleenish fits. — But 
to explain the doctrine of ear-rings, be it observed, that the 
crafty Beelzebub hath an invisible chain fixed to the ear- 
ring, by which he leads the wearers a v/ild-goose chase 
through all the vanities of the times. No sooner does the 
sable governor tug a lady by the ear, than she feels an im- 
pulse upon her heart, which directs her to the Play-house, 



160 



DIALOGUES 



Opera, Vauxhail, Sadlers- Wells, or elsewhere ; but very sel- 
dom to the church. If, at any time, for the sake of company, 
she takes her pleasure at church, the great deceiver keeps 
such a gingling of the chain in her ear, that she cannot at- 
tend to one word of the service ; by these means the Park, 
the Mall, the Pla3r-house, and the church, are, in effect, the 
same thing to many ladies of fashion. 

AvARO. And are all who wear rings in their ears to be 
looked upon as slaves to the great Beelzebub, uncle ? 

Fastosus. No, Avaro, not all ; for the invincible Immanuel 
hath broken the chains and loosened the bands of servitude 
from many. Nevertheless, they still wear the rings in their 
ears, to testify what they have been. And what news from 
your friends, Avaro 1 

Avaro. Very little, sir ; only that diligence, frugality, and 
good husbandry, go on as usual. All heads plodding, and all 
hands active to get and to save ; for getting and saving is all 
the cry with tliem. I had a little matter to attend to last 
night at the Swan tavern, where there was a very respect- 
able meeting of manufacturers, by whom some few things, 
tending to promote emolument, were considered. The first 
consultation was, "How they might conveniently lessen the 
quality of their goods, that their profit might be somewhat 
advanced." In order to this, a plan was proposed by Mr. 
Dolus, a very great tradesman, which was unanimously 
agreed to by the rest. The second thing was to settle the 
prices, and come into mutual engagements, that no one 
should undersell his brethren ; which, after some slight al- 
tercation, was as unanimously settled. You must know, man- 
kind are not satisfied with being oppressed by infernal ty- 
ranny ; but to add to the devil's work, are got into the hap- 
py way of joining in combinations to oppress and devour one 
another. Nor is this practice peculiar to any one set of 
men, but is common with dealers of every kind and denomi- 
nation, from the opulent farmers to the dealers in coal and 
candles. 

When this was done, a question was put. How they should 
finish a certain quantity of goods against a certain day then 
proposed ] For it seems they have large orders at present. 
To which one of them said, he thought it necessary to ad- 
vance the journeymen's wages in order to encourage their 
diligence. But this gentleman's motion was unanimously 



OF DEVILS. 



161 



rejected, as an unprofitable way of proceeding, very ill- 
suited to the growing demands of their several families. It 
was then proposed, that a small premium should be given to 
every workman who should finish a certain quantity of 
goods in a limited time, then and there to be stipulated. 
Bat this also was objected to, it being alleged, that some 
method might be found that would produce the desired end, 
and yet save all those unnecessary premiums, which, if 
given, would introduce a very bad custom. 

At last, an old gentleman, whose hoary locks shone as 
silver fromi under his weather-beaten wig, arose, and most 
judiciously addressed his brethren in the following manner: 
Gentlemen, you all know that such is the indolent dispo- 
sition of journeymen, that, in general, let their wages be 
-ever so good, they have no notion of obtaining more than 
will procure them a bare m.aintenance through the w^eek, 
and a few quarts of strong beer on Saturday night and Sun- 
day. Therefore, to advance their wages is the certain way 
to have them work less than they do at present. But let 
us lessen their w^ages in proportion to our extraordinary call 
for goods ; for by how much the more vv e drop the prices of 
Vvorkmanship, by so m.uch the m,ore work shall we have 
done. A bare living they must have, let the prices be ever 
so low ; and but a bare living they will have, if they are 
ever so high. If we advance the price, they work less, and 
if we drop it, they will, they inust work more. I say then 
let us drop the prices." 

The old gentleman's advice w^as cordially embraced by 
them all, and every one blessed the sagacity of the old fox, 
now grown gray in wisdom. And this day, or to-morrow, 
the journeymen's wages are to be lessened accordingly. 

Fastosus. In the close of our last interview I v/as going 
to observe, that my prevalency is great amongst the no- 
bility and gentry. By my indefatigable industry, the greater 
part of them are rendered altogether insensible of their 
origin, so that they look down upon their inferiors as a set 
of despicable creatures, of a species very different from 
themselves : not considering that my lord Superbo and poor 
Lazar Askalras are by nature brethren, form.ed of the same 
materials, and conceived in the womb of the same earth. 

AvARO. Yet, sir, if mj observations are just, I think they 
have some kind of an imperfect notion that they v/ere origin- 
02 



162 



DIALOGUES 



ally formed of the earth ; but as one part of the substance 
of the earth is esteemed much more precious and valuable 
than another, perhaps the people of fashion have the happi- 
ness of being formed of the more rich and esteemed par- 
ticles, and the rest of mankind the infelicity of deriving 
their beings from vulgar clay. This is the more likely, as 
there is a manifest difference between their constitutions 
and those of people in the low^er spheres of life ; the first 
being brittle and feeble, the latter more robust and healthy. 

Fastosus. That is false philosophy, Avaro. The brittle- 
ness you speak of does not proceed from any defect in the 
natural constitution of their frame, nor from any rottenness 
in the materials of which they are made, but hath its cause 
from themselves. Many of them, in their infancy, are nearly 
starved from an infamous notion that enough of wholesome 
food is injurious to them and you will commonly find, that 
the food which yields the most healthful aliment, is with- 
held from them, at the instance of Dr. Scrawl, the family 
physician. This same gentleman has not so little sense un- 
der his great wig as not to know that his own personal 
emolument is intimately connected V\dth the weak consti- 
tutions of people of quality, especially the ladies. By his 
many years' study of physic, he has proved to a demonstra- 
tion, that if the young gentry v/ere suffered to eat enough 
of wholesomiC food, like the farmers' children, his business 
would not be worth following. 

Avaro. I knovv^ it well : for there is one of my disciples, 
a certain physician emJnent in practice, who hath acquired 
a genteel fortune by prescription, and who, if he is indis- 
posed himself, will not suffer an apothecary's drug to pass 
his gullet ; a plain indication that he knows it to be hurtfijl. 
I have often thought, a good constitution put into the hand 
of a doctor, is like a good cause put into the hands of the 
lawyers ; it gets Vvorse with deceitful handling. When a man 
is, by the force of medicine, fairly got down, the skilful phy- 
sician knows very well how to hold him betwixt life and 

* Some learned physicians, those celebrated defrauders of the grave, 
have found out that hi-ead itself, w hich has been esteemed the staff of 
life in all ages, is at last become dangerous to the constitution, and there- 
fore to be used with caution by all sorts of people, especially such as are 
best able to fee the doctor in case of persona] indisposition. As for the 
poor, it is less matter what they eat, as the faculty can reap but littla 
advantage from their sickness. 



or DEVILS. 



163 



death as long as possible ; until at last he dies by inches of 
that prevailing distemper which kills so many people of 
fashion. 

Fastosus. True, Avaro. But farther to prove the gentry 
the causers of their own infirmity, I would observe, that 
what, in infancy, penury and want leave of the constitu- 
tion unconsumed, luxury and idleness Vv^ell-nigh finish in 
youth ; so that when the lady comes to embrace an husband, 
the one-half of her remaining days are spent under the hand 
of the doctor, and the other half in pleasure and dissipation. 
As for the young gentlemen, before the boyish down on their 
faces is able to resist the razor, they have commonly con- 
tracted such lothesome disorders as render themx more fit 
for an infirmary than for the marriage-bed, and have more 
need of a surgeon than a Vv^ife. Thus, Avaro, you may see 
by w^hat means the constitutions of the gentry are so fre- 
quently enfeebled. 

That they are formed of the same materials with their 
inferiors will appear, when you consider that there were 
none either noble or ignoble in the original state of man- 
kind ; all were on a common level ; but when we had made 
a conquest of them, it became necessary for the Almighty 
to dissolve the original equalit}^, that the world might be 
rendered in some measure tolerable to all, amidst the con- 
fusion and disorder which our dominion over them had in- 
troduced. For if people cry out that the world is bad now, 
it is certain it would be infinitely vvorse were superiority 
and inferiority utterly abolished. Moreover, the Alm.ighty, 
to manifest txhe equity of his procedure, has so ordered it, 
that the system of superiority and inferiority is perpetually 
upon the change. You may find some persons now asking 
alms from place to place, who are descended from princes 
and nobles ; and others in the most exalted stations, who had 
their descent from very beggars. 

Infidelis. Ay, brother, that very consideration, to urge 
no more, if duly attended to, would prevent the contempt 
which people of elevated rank are apt to let fall on their 
inferiors. But let them go on until the grand leveller Death 
approach. He spares neither rich nor poor, noble nor igno- 
ble. Samael know^s no distinction, cannot be bribed like 
temporal judges, admits of no excuses, and is an utter stran- 
ger to pity. At prince, at peasant, at the noble earl and his 



164 



DIALOGUES 



servile groom, at the dame of honor, and the scorched cook- 
maid, he aims alike his unerring shaft, and brings all again 
to tlie dust, from whence they were taken, to rot in their 
original equality. 

Fastosus. There is another race, which we distinguish 
by the name of mongrels, with whom I am deeply con- 
cerned. This generation of half-bred gentry includes trades- 
men, the gentlemen of the law and of the faculty, together 
with the farmers. These gentry consider themselves pretty 
near, if not altogether, on a level with the country 'squire, 
and therefore afiect the manners of their superiors as much 
as possible. They are gentlemen, their wives are ladies 
and madams, their children masters and misses. Hundreds 
of such gentlemen and ladies have I known, who could not 
boast that any of their ancestors, back to the tenth genera- 
tion, were proprietors of so much as a cottage with a cab- 
bage. Yet they imperiously assume a title of address, equal 
to that of the queen's majesty ; and no laborer or mechanic 
must dare to approach them, without a sir or madam in his 
mouth. 

Infidelis. I have sometimes thought those ladies you 
speak of, are either ashamed of their given names, or hold 
them too sacred for the profane mouths of servants and vul- 
gar creatures ; and indeed he would be deemed the most 
unmannerly wretch that ever trod upon English ground, 
who should say that Sarah Allgood is his mistress ; for Sarah 
must give place to madam, and she is now madam Allgood, 
the shopkeeper's lady ; and it would be more than her place 
is worth, for a servant to name her mistress in terms less 
respectful. 

AvAHO. ' Excuse me, gentlemen, you know I love to be 
concerting schemes of profit, and here is one ready project- 
ed, which, if faithfully executed, would either fill the ex- 
chequer, or make a distinction betwixt persons of real qual- 
ity and their apes in middle life. 

Fastosus. What is your scheme, cousin ? let us hear it 
if feasible. 

AvARO. I v/ould advise the nobility, gentry, &c. never to 
go to an horse-course, cock-pit, or play-house ; not to go to 
Bath nor a bawdy-house, that is to say, never to rest until 
they have procured a bill, in which it shall be enacted, that 
every man shall pay the sum of ten pounds sterling per an- 



OF DEVILS. 



165 



num who suffers his wife to assume the nanie of madam. I 
would likewise have a tax of half the value laid upon every 
young master and miss, the farmers, apothecaries, attorneys 
and tradesmen's children, unless the husband or father can 
make it appear that his annual rent, clear of all encum- 
brance, is not less than four hundred pounds; if so much, or 
upwards, he should stand exem.pt from any such penalty, 
and enjoy the free use of such names of quality in his 
family. 

Infidelis. Although it is quite foreign to my purpose to 
dictate any thing to mankind which may be of service to 
them, I am free among ourselves to say, that my son's 
scheme is well concerted, and might answer valuable pur- 
poses were it carried into execution. The numerous bank- 
ruptcies, which make trade so precarious in England, have 
their spring in this fatal imitation of people of quality, so 
prevalent among tradesmen. Could this so very pernicious 
practice, by any means be suppressed, the industrious mer- 
chant and manufacturer would meet with fewer losses by 
their retailing customiOrs. 

To your scheme, however, I v/ould add another tax equal- 
ly necessary, and that is upon every play-house, assembly- 
room, and place of pleasurable resort. One fifth, at least, of 
every ticket to Alm.ack's, Ranelagh, every play-house, 
Cornely's, Sadler's-wells, the Pantheon, and every rout 
whatever, ought to be sacred to government. Until this, or 
some such thing is done, it will be difficult for the sensible 
English to believe that their governors aim at any thing be- 
yond their own emolument. As for the tax upon (madam) 
it appears indispensably necessary, and can admit of no de- 
lay. However, we interrupt you, Fastosus. 

Fastosus. I have a great deal of pleasure in stirring up 
people to quarrel with their Maker, and to say unto him, 
Why hast thou made me thus 1 I love not the station thou 
hast placed me in ; I have got parts to qualify me for a bet- 
ter than this in which thou hast placed me ; therefore I am 
not dealt with according ta my merit." The poor laborer, 
who, by the way, is the most happy and contented of his 
species, is not altogether pleased, because he was not born 
a gentleman, and heir to a good estate. The 'squire and his 
lady are almost mad with anger, because they were not de- 
scended of noble ancestors. Tlie nobleman himself takes it 



166 



DIALOGUES 



very unkind that he was not bora to govern a kingdom. He 
that is bom heir to a crown hath two things at which he is 
much offended : First, because the Almighty is so long in 
taking the father to himself, to facilitate his own accession 
to the throne : Secondly, he is not well pleased, because it 
is a regal and not an imperial crown, to which he is born 
heir. As for the man who is born to imperial dignity, he is 
angry, because he is not appointed lord of the whole world. 
And one you know, who, having obtained the sway of the 
whole world, was angry with God, because he had not made 
two worlds for him to govern; even so angry, that he is 
said to have cried again. Thus, in all ranks and degrees of 
life, I make people quarrel with their Maker. 

Infidelis. I have often heard it remarked, by our infer- 
nal sages, that if the ambitious mind were to obtain what 
it is now in pursuit of, true contentment would be as far 
distant as ever; and an Alexander, who covets a second 
world to ravage, could he get that, would want a third, af- 
ter that a fourth, and so on, until he had plundered the 
many millions of worlds which God hath made. Even then, 
were such a thing possible, his ambition would be as insati- 
able as ever, and his last effort would be the same as that 
of father Beelzebub's ; I mean, he would attempt to plunder 
the eternal throne itself Thus, they allege, that the lowest 
degree of ambition and discontent in man, if the x\lmighty 
were continually to gratify it, would ascend to the most da- 
ring attempt of which the infernal monarch himself is ca- 
pable. After all, I have observed that the greater part of 
people are so far from deeming ambition to be criminal, 
they think a spice of it is indispensably necessary to a man 
of honor. % . 



Fastosus. I know it, brother ; but that is a striking p|>epp^ 
of the blindness to which we have reduced them. ^ml3i- 
tion, discontent, &:c. reigning in any person, are infallible 
symptoms of a heart totally depraved, and altogeth^mnder 
my influence. But let them go on to cherish an anibitious 
spirit, they will find their mistake at last. That judicious 
pagan, Epictetus, seems very capable of instructing many 
who are called Christians, and who have the advantage of 
the Bible. Yes, Infidelis, you and I both know, that ambi- 
tion is the very vice which ruined our black fraternity; 
but for it, they would have been in heaven to this day. 




OF DEVILS. 



167 



As some quarrel with their Maker, on account of their 
situation in life, I am equally successful in stirring up 
others, to take offence at the manner in which the Almigh- 
ty hath formed their bodies : as to their souls, they do not 
regard them ; indeed they seldom consider that they have 
an immortal spirit belonging to them. If, by chance, such a 
thought, as that they have an immortal soul, should pass 
through their minds, it gives them no concern in w^hat po- 
sition it is found, because they take it for granted that no- 
body sees it. So very inconsiderate and stupid are many, 
that one who understands the language of hearts, provided 
he could delight in the voice af discontent and murmuring, 
might meet with high entertainment amongst our people. 
For, 

One young lady says, O ! if the Almighty had made me 
an inch and a half higher, then my person would have been 
abundantly more proper. Her neighbor is as ill at ease, be- 
cause she thinks the Creator has bestowed superfluous la- 
bor upon her, in giving her a couple of inches of redundant 
height, which she looks upon as a very considerable de- 
formity. Another says. Why did he make me with round 
shoulders.^ Might he not as easily have m.ade them squared 
I am ashamed to go into company, because I have not a 
handsome carriage of the head and neck. What the back- 
board and girdle can do, has been tried to press in the promi- 
nent OS humeri ; but sad experience teaches, that she may 
as soon wash the Ethiopian white, as make that even which 
the Almighty hath made crooked. Nor less afriicted is her 
kinswoman, on account of yellowness in her skin. 

AvARO. I have heard several people of allowed know- 
ledge, modestly wish, that all court ladies labored under the 
■same misfortune the last unhappy gentlewoman does; being 
persuaded that if it were so, naked breasts would never 
more be brought into fashion, to the annoyance of the gen- 
tlemen and the scandal of the ladies : for you know, fash- 
ions are all born at court. 

Fastosus. Not at the court of London, Avaro, but Ver- 
sailles; therefore it would indicate better sense in your 
knowing people, to wish the French ladies the above mis- 
fortune. It is held an act of high treason against the 
French, for the English court to receive any fashion, which 
hath not had a certificate from Versailles. This policy 



168 



DIALOGUES 



seems indeed very mysterious, when we consider that the 
British heroes can so effectually drub the monsieurs, as to 
make them cry peccavi, and at the same time the French 
ladies should have the English in such absolute subjection. 

It is impossible for any person to conceive the trouble I 
have, in preparing those ladies for the ball, or assembly, or 
pantheon, and what art I am obliged to employ, in hiding 
their supposed defects and redundancies. The lady who 
fancies her stature to be somewhat too lov/, obliges me to 
add to it the whole length of a super-tall pair of wooden 
heels, and is extremely careful to set off her little body to 
all advantage possible, so that every beholder must be struck 
with the most perfect gentility of her appearance. On the 
other hand, her neighbor, who is over-tall, is as careful, on 
her part, to have the flattest heels that can be worn, and is 
equally industrious in decking, to the best advantage, the 
whole of her extravagant height. 

Nor hath their neighbor, who is affected with a dun, or 
yellow skin, less trouble and anxiety of mind, besides her 
great toil of body. The waste she makes of wash-balls, and 
the best recommended cosmetics, together with her own, 
and her servants' labor, in endeavoring to rub off the native 
tinct, is not to be conceived. But, alas ! it is labor in vain. 
All the comfort which remains for her, is derived from a 
black necklace, assisted by two or three well-disposed 
patches, which she hopes may, in some measure, overcloud 
the hated yellowness of the adjacent parts. 

So absolutely foolish are they, that I have some subjects? 
who say, " Ah me, why were my ankles made so strong- 
and fleshy ? O that they had been slender and genteel, there 
I should not have been thus dependent on the mantuamaker 
for a covering for them." However, gentlemen, were it 
not a rule established among the fair sex, that ankles some- 
what gross are altogether ungenteel, it would puzzle a phi- 
losopher to determine how it is that small feet and slender 
ankles, come to have more virtue and real worth in them, 
than those that are otherwise. But certainly it is deemed 
to be so, and those imperious dames, who have been favored 
to their liking, do what they can to mortify those who are 
less happy in their pedestals. Against this disease theje is 
no effectual remedy. Small-sized shoes formerly gave them 



OF DEVILS. 



169 



great hopes of relief ; but, alas ! the^^ generally made crip- 
ples of their wearers. 

Infidelis. I have always observed, that when people have 
applied to the artist, to have that mended which they think 
the Almighty hath marred, the punishment is connected 
with the cnme, as a token of the just resentment of a jealous 
God, who hath left none of his works imperfect; and who 
would have them all, as indeed they ought to be, v/ell es- 
teemed. Hence come corns upon the feet, and far greater 
unevenness in the symmaotry of the body, than was before 
their application to the mechanic. 

Fastosus. Another of my disciples has got hair of a 
madder red, and such is her folly, that it grieves her beyond 
measure. But with all my wisdom, I could never find out 
the reason why red hair should be any more scandalous than 
yellow or flaxen locks : or how it is, that scarlet is held to 
be such a courtly color upon broadcloth, and yet so scandal- 
ous for a lady to have her head of scarlet color. But the 
lady herself is so apprehensive of the scandal, that she is 
obliged to exchange her native locks, with a neighboring 
barber, for a set of flaxen false curls; these, she flatters 
herself, will very well becom.e the native fairness of her 
skin. 

Perhaps, indeed, to spare the natural crop, she may blind 
the eyes of beholders with pow^der, which m.ay help to con- 
ceal the awful secret. The like expedient is used by w^omen 
of a coquettish disposition, when to their great grief and in- 
consolable sorrow, they first perceive old age dying a white- 
ness upon their temples. In order to prevent the v/orld 
having any suspicion that she is advanced in years, the co- 
quette procures a defence against the hoary hairs; and thus 
she keeps herself, as much as possible, from the belief that 
she is growing old, until the detested wrinkles on her fore- 
head betray the fatal secret, and then she declines faster 
than other women, because her grief gives swiftness to her 
decay. Another lady is exceedingly grieved, every time 
she looks in her glass, because, as she thinks, her face is too 
much upon the fire to be deemed lovely; but she comforts 
herself with the reflection that she has good features, and 
the great artist, vv^hen he finished her, has left a dim^ple in 
her chin. On the other hand, her cousin beholds a system 
of agreeable features in her own countenance : but oh ! the 



170 



DIALOGUES 



dejection of her heart, on recollecting the paleness of her 
lips. To supply the defects of nature in this, before she 
goes abroad, she has recourse to her pencil and vermilion 
shell. Thus she has some means of comfort within her 
power ; but her poor sister, who is seamed with the small- 
pox, is quite inconsolable. If at any time she expresses sat- 
isfaction, it is in speaking of the former agreeableness of 
her features, and fairness of her skin. But alas ! her joy is 
presently clouded with the melancholy consideration, they 
are for ever gone. Some ladies are highly offended, because 
their hands are so big, others that their fingers are too short ; 
and now and then you may meet with one who is dreadfully 
tormented underneath a king Richard back ; which is sure 
to prove an intolerable burthen all the life of the unhappy 
woman. 

Infidelis. Nothing more fully demonstrates our domin- 
ion in the hearts of mankind, than their being ashamed of 
their shapes and physiognomy ; the supposed deformity of 
which they could by no means have prevented. Every de- 
gree of this kind of shame, is a tacit reproach of the Crea- 
tor, and therefore daringly impious. Many you may find, 
ashamed of the innocent defects of their outward frame, 
who are not in the least ashamed of their vain lives and 
immoral conversation ; to rectify which ought to be their 
principal concern. And were there but as much pains taken 
to rectify the disorders of civil life, as there are to hide the 
supposed defects and redundancies of the body, and to alter 
the tincture of the skin, the world would be very different 
from what it is. But you take care to prevent that, Im- 
piator. ' 

I)iscoRDANS. One who has made mankind no part of his 
study, would deem it impossible for rational beings to be 
ashamed of, and concerned for innocent deformities of the 
body, with which no person of common sense will ever up- 
braid them, and which never can by any means lessen the 
esteem of the judicious ; (for who can make that straight 
which the Almighty hath made crooked, or white which he 
hath made brown ]) and at the same time neglect the in- 
finitely more valuable mind. 

Infidelis. By your account, sir, your vassals have got 
a wrong notion of beauty, as by our long observation it ap- 
pears, we may sometimes see a great deal of beauty in a 



OF DEVILS. 



171 



person whose bodily parts no way tend to recommend him. 
Real beauty lies in the constitution of the mind, and the 
proper use of its intellectual faculties: every thing else 
compared with this is like tinsel when compared with the 
purest gold. 

That person appears truly amiable, without external 
comeliness, who can bear the lack of it with a becoming 
grace ; and who, to make up for all outward defects, is stu- 
dious to embellish the immortal mind. That is a part of 
man always capable of improvement ; but for the body, they 
may fret, murmur, and repine at its defects, as much as they 
will, they plainly see it does not mend the matter, for who 
by taking thought can add one cubit to his stature, or make 
one hair whiter or blacker ] 

Fastosus. Such is my dominion now ; nor was it less in 
the more early ages. I made rude work m the tents of Ja- 
cob, between his two wives and among his sons ; and by 
those means I greatly disturbed them whom I could not de- 
stroy. 

Invidio. I have, until now, been silent ; but beg leave to 
observe, that I think our labor is far from being lost. See- 
ing, though we are permitted to destroy none who are good 
and virtuous, we have the pleasure of distressing and dis- 
tracting them. And certainly no music can be so agreeable 
to our ears, as the sighs and groans of our enemies. There 
is something so agreeable in the destruction of infidels, and 
distracting the rest of mankind, that I have often heard our 
father Beelzebub say, he would rather aggravate his own 
torment a thousand degrees than be robbed of that plea- 
sure. His and our happiness lies chiefly in distressing man- 
kind, especially the virtuous and good, notwithstanding he 
overheard Immanuel, when he said, " I give unto them eter- 
nal life, and none shall pluck them out of my hands." 

AvARO. One would wonder it did not wholly discourage 
him from making further attempts against such people, es- 
pecially if what I have heard is true ; I mean that every 
affliction which they endure by his means, will be an ag- 
gravation to his own misery. But his hatred against them 
is implacable. 

Fastosus. It is not altogether his hatred and malice 
against them, which excite him to persecute them with sucli 
unwearied diligence : but it happened on a time, that Beel- 



172 



DIALOGUES 



zebub was by, when one of the heavenly heralds declared, 
" That m all the afflictions of his people, Immanuel himself 
is afflicted." And at another time he heard another say, 
" That Immanuel is touched with a sense of human infirmi- 
ties." Nay, then, said he to himself, they shall not want 
for afflictions, if I should endure a thousand hells. It will 
be a heaven of delight to me, to see my fiery darts bound 
off from the persons to whom they are shot, and strike him 
whom I have in the most perfect abhorrence. So that it is 
Immanuel himself, rather than those who believe in him, at 
whom Satan is so much enraged. 

To return to my story. By my means the knot of sister- 
hood between Rachel and Leah was disunited, and friend- 
ship and love fled to a distance far remote from their tents. 
But this was not the finishing stroke of my artifice; for 
when one generation passed away, you might always be 
sure to find me with those, who made their appearance next 
upon the stage of action. Hence I was found with the sons 
of Jacob, and made them perpetrate deeds very unworthy 
of the patriarchal character, and that even in the life-time 
of their father. The destruction of the Hivites, by the sword 
of Simeon and Levi, in revenge of Shechem's rape on their 
sister Dinah, was w^holly by my instigation. They grieved, 
and that justly ; but pride alone called up the demons of 
Revenge and Cruelty, who drenched themselves in Canaan- 
itish blood. 

When Joseph dreamed of his future advancement, I pre- 
vailed with his brethren to hate him, and give admission to 
every baleful demon ; under whose influence, even at the 
hazard of their father's life, they sold him into Egypt. There 
I .stirred up Sabrina, the wife of Potiphar, to revenge her 
slighted charms upon him ; Joseph himself to swear by the 
life of Pharaoh, and to carry it very strangely to his brethren 
in the time of their affliction, notwithstanding he himself had 
seen such w^onders of Divine Providence, as mentioned by 
the writer of his life. Just it was that his brethren should 
have been afflicted for their former perfidy and baseness ; 
but Joseph could never have been persuaded to be instru- 
mental therein, but by my instigation. 

Impiator. I am surprised, sir, you should select the his- 
tory of those reputed the best of men, for exemplifying your 
dominion ; whereas you make no mention of Ham, Ishmael, 



OF DEVILS. 



173 



Esau, &c. T thought your dominion over them was more 
full than over the other. 

Fastosus. I mentioned the best, on purpose to save my- 
self trouble, cousin. For when you hear my power over 
them, you will easily conceive that my dominion over the 
rest of Qiankind must be absolute. I might indeed do my- 
self honor by telling you of the part 1 had in the lewdness 
of Ham, the despite of Ishmael, Esau's revenge, &c. &c. 
but I understand it as all implied in the present plan of my 
narrative. Indeed it would be endless to tell you of even a 
thousandth part of my achievements; and I am persuaded it 
is more agreeable to you, to hear of my occasional prevalence 
over the virtuous, than to have a full display of my uninter- 
rupted dominion, over the infidel part of mankind, without it. 

Yet it may not be amiss, by way of specimen, to give you 
one instance of my influence over infidels in general 
Amongst the millions I might adduce, I shall refer you to 
Basuris Pharaoh, king of Egypt, in the da3^s of Moses and 
Aaron. Notwithstanding the mighty signs and wonders 
which God wTought by the hands of his Hebrew servants, 
he was absolutely under my dominion, that he hardened 
himiself against the Almighty, disregarded the voice of his 
prophets, and would not suffer the people to go into the wil- 
derness to worship. Moses and Aaron wrought w^orks un- 
precedented in the presence of the king and his nobles ; but 
I persuaded him that the whole was effected by the power 
of magic, and that Jannes and Jambres, his own enchanters, 
could do the same, were they called to it. 

I had such possession of his heart, before any miracles 
were wrought, that he thought himself inferior to no being 
whatever, and scorned subjection even to the Almighty. 
Pharaoh's magicians, in divers instances, by a divine per- 
mission, imitating the wonders wrought by Moses and 
Aaron, he persuaded himself that he was at least equal to 
that God who sent them, and in the most haughty disdain 
he said, "Who is the Lord, that I should obey him]" 

You have all heard that no man hath hardened himself 
against God at any time, and hath prospered : nor did he 
prosper. I hardened his heart against every divine injunc- 
tion, until the God of the Hebrews utterly confounded the 
Memphian magicians, and m.ade the haughty monarch, not 
only willing to let the people go, but eager to thrust them 



174 



DIALOGUES 



out of the land. However, they had not travelled very far, 
before Pharaoh, being a little recovered from his consterna- 
tion, was induced by me to pursue and oblige them to return 
to their drudgery, alleging the great loss wiiich both his 
majesty and the Egyptian monarch^ would sustain, by the 
departure of such a number of vigorous slaves. Pursuant 
to this purpose, he mustered his chariots and horsemen, all 
the Egyptian chivalry, pursued the fugitives by dint of 
sword to compel them to their spades and wheelbarrows. 
Every one must praise my noble intentions ; for I designed 
that both hosts should have perished, the one by the sword 
of the Egyptians, and the other by the thunderbolts of heaven. 
I conjectured, upon good ground, that if Pharaoh destroyed 
thelHebrews, the Almighty would avenge their blood upon 
him and his kingdom. 

The host of Pharaoh overtook the Hebrews near Pi-ha- 
hiroth, where the raging ocean met them in the front, and 
a vast ridge of impassable mountains inclosed them on either 
hand : " Glory be on me ! cried the exulting monarch. See 
hov/ my happy stars have hemmed in the fugitives ! Now 
shall they either return to their servitude, or perish on the 
points of Egyptian swords ; and Pharaoh shall no more be 
upbraided with a God greater than himself" But Pharaoh's 
boastings v/ere premature; his hopes were blasted before 
they were full blown : for it came to pass, that the Almighty 
took the cause of his people into his own hands, wrought 
salvation for them, and with an high hand destroyed him 
and all the Egyptian chivalry. 

Business calls me hence, gentlemen. I hold it good that 
we adjourn until to-morrow. 



OF Dli^VILS. 



175 



DIALOGUE XIIL 

ALL THE DIALOGSANS PRESSKT. 

AvARO. Indeed, gentlemen, what I tell you is true, you 
cannot conceive how much I am caressed by the grovelling 
slaves. 

Pastosus. Do not boast, cousin, nor let it once enter 
your mind, that your reception amongst mankind is more 
cordial and hearty than mine ; for where there is one per- 
son who prostitutes himself to the devil Avaro, there are at 
least twenty who fall down at the shrine of the adored Fas- 
tosus ; though I will still own your craftiness has subdued 
not a few to your grovelling swa.y. 

Avaro. Not a few, indeed ! Every nation furnisheth its 
quota, to make up the number of my abject slaves, who 
adore me under feigned names, suitably adapted to the ge- 
nius of each country. For instance, in Holland, I am called 
Mynheer Industry ; in France, Monsieur Prudence ; in 
Spain, I bear th.e name of Don Diligence ; in Austria and 
Russia, as also at the Hague, I am known by the name of 
Good Policy ; and in Great Britain and her colonies, I am 
called Mister Care, alias Mr. Frugality ; but m.y true name 
being rightly translated will read Covetousness. 

Great advantages arise to us from the concealment of our 
proper names. The Vv^ord covetousness, you know, is of 
such a true brimstone color, that unless I had some method 
of disguising it, I could get but few adorers in comparison 
of what I have. There are thousands who delight to keep 
me under their roofs, by the feigned names of Industry and 
Frugality, who would be afraid to be seen in my company, 
under the name of Covetousness. They rise up earl}^ sit 
up late, they eat the bread of carefulness, can never get 
enough of work done by their servants and laborers ; they 
buy as cheap and sell as dear as they can, and are for ever 
concerting schemes of money-getting ; and yet they are not 
covetous ; all the world could not persuade them that they 
are the worshippers of the devil Avaro. Even those Vv'hose 
morning and evening desires run in the follovv^ing strain : 
" What shall I do to get money ] How shall I manage to 



176 



DIALOGUES 



keep what I have got out of the reach of pilfering rogues 1" 
Such are their desires, and yet they are not covetous. Not- 
withstanding their increase, they cannot, with pleasure, as- 
sist the needy, unless by so doing they can serve themselves ; 
and yet they are not covetous. Such people are very apt 
to consider gain as a proof of their godliness, and it is dilfi- 
cult for them to believe a poor man is honest. If his honesty 
is so clear that they cannot deny it, they will tacitly charge 
him with either indolence or want of economy, as they take 
it for granted, any man may prosper in the world if he will ; 
and yet they are not covetous. 

Infidelis. Your disciples, Avaro, it seems, have but little 
acquaintance with that divine providence which Vv^e are 
constrained to confess ; that providence which emptieth the 
store-house of one and fills that of another, according to the 
dictates of unerring wisdom. But by long observation, we 
have learned, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle 
to the strong, but to whomsoever the Arbiter of the universe 
is pleased to give the blessing. What most surpriseth me, is, 
to see so many of your people amiong the professors of reli- 
gion. Do you think they have never heard that those who 
love the world, have not the love of the Father in them ; 
and that friendship with the world is enmity against God 1 
Or do they suppose themselves capable of serving both God 
and m.ammon] 

Avaro. With your leave, sir, such texts of scripture are 
of no weight with our people. Some consider them as in- 
terpolations, others mistranslated, others still deem them 
erroneous, therefore not to be regarded ; and all agree that 
the force of such passages ought to be reasoned away. Yes, 
brother fiends, you may meet with many, who, if their men- 
tal sentiments may be Imow^n by their outward conduct, 
believe themselves capable enough of serving both God and 
mammon, and that it is very consistent to love botH God and 
the world at the same time. All the week round, they are 
so earnestly engaged in pursuing worldly advantages, that 
one would suppose they had got an assurance that for one 
thousand years, at least, to enter upon, their souls shall not 
be required of them* ; or indeed one would think they believe 
not a sjdlable of the Bible, or that there is eitiier God or 
devil, heaven or hell. Y^ea, so ardent is their chase afler 
gold, they cannot spare so much time as to ask their servants 



OF DEVILS. 



177 



whether they intend for heaven or hell at their death? 
Whether they serve God or the devil ? Whether they read 
the Bible, or idle plays and novels 1 Whether they g'o to 
church or ale-house on a Sunday; or, indeed, whether 
they are Pagans or Christians, Papists or Protestants 1 And 
yet they are good Christians themselves, members of 
churches, and worshippers of the God of heaven. 

Notwithstanding their fervent zeal for, and unwearied 
diligence in, the cause of mammon, they will not absent 
themselves from church on a Sabbath-day on any considera- 
tion ; but, with all sincerity imaginable, with the devotion 
of one holiday wipe off the stains of the former six, and on 
Monday come forth as fresh for the avaricious chase as 
ever. Thus, you see, my subjects, by their conduct, plainly 
tell you, they believe it very possible to serve both God and 
mammon; and thus they give the lie to divine testimony. 

It is now as it always was ; many people follow religion 
w^ith the same views with those of the loaf and the fish fol- 
lowers ; they take up religion to procure a character among 
men, that it may serve as a cloak for their mercenary pur- 
poses. The person deemed religious, being capable of ex- 
ecuting avaricious schemes with greater facility and advan- 
tage, than the man who is known to be an enemy to all re- 
ligion. 

Fastosus. It seems, Avaro, your money-hunters can 
adapt religion or any thing to the great end of getting. I 
know thousands who would not attend the worship of God 
at all, if they found not their account in it. I have laughed, 
many times, at seeing the atheist and the deist come to 
church and receive the sacrament, to qualify them for 
places of public concern. It may safely be supposed, that 
men who believe not the sacrament to be of divine institu- 
tion, have some ends, no way religious, to answer, by their 
receiving it. It is not a little droll too, to see many, who, 
for conscience sake, dissent from the church of England, 
when they have the prospect of preferment, come cordially 
to the altar and receive the consecrated elements from the 
parish priest. Mortal man could not do more to secure all 
the emoluments of both church and state to their own party 
for ever, than the authors of the test act did, and yet many 
dissenters play the devil in cheating them. It must be a 



178 



DIALOGUES 



close hedge indeed, in which some people will not find a 
hole to creep through. 

Impiator. Ay, uncle, and it is every whit as droll to see 
many of my subjects, who never attend at church, except 
upon those occasions ; men who spend their whole time in 
drinking, gaming, and whoring, admitted to the table of the 
Lord, to serve a turn in politics, contrary to every rule, di- 
vine and human ; and yet those men commence the pillars 
and governors of the church, without coming near its as- 
semblies on other occasions. These things make amazingly 
for our interest. 

IpiFiDELis. Not many days since, your son Discordans 
gave us a most agreeable account of some of his operations, 
by the instrumentality of Prejudice and False-Reasoning. I 
should be glad, my nephew, if you vv^ill be pleased, to go 
on with your story. 

Discordans. I have no objection, sir, if my honored pa- 
rent will be pleased to permit. But Discordans cannot so 
much as breathe, without the instigation of great Fastosus. 

Fastosus. You do me great honor, my son, and have my 
permission to proceed : but as I have urgent business in 
hand, and am already acquainted with your story, I shall 
leave you for the present, and meet you here to-morrow. 
Darkness and confusion attend you all. 

Discordans. This same glass, False-Reasoning, is the 
mirror in which tlie Jewish clergy, doctors of law, scribes, 
and Pharisees, tried the doctrines and actions of Immanuel 
and all his followers. By these means they were fatally 
deceived, and led to reject the counsel of God against them- 
selves; yea, hardened to that degree, as to say, the light 
which enligliteneth every man that cometh into the world, 
is absolutely darkness, and to charge the Maker of all things 
with being a magician ; even to put forth their sanguinary 
hands, and murder the Lord of life. 

You may think T was closely employed in those days, as 
there was not a pharisee in the whole world, whom I had 
not furnished with an inverting mirror and telescope. By 
these means they became quite enamored with their own 
supposed virtue, and held all besides themselves to be ac- 
cursed ; that is to say, heretics, because they knew not the 
law ; that is, they did not measure length and breadth, ex- 
actly according to the standard of orthodoxy, which in all 



OF DEVILS. 



179 



ages has been the traditions of the elders, and not the scrip- 
tures of truth, as some have erroneously asserted. 

Impiator. Hold, cousin, there I think you must be 
wrong ; for I myself was wont to hear Immanuel, (who you 
know could not lie) refer his hearers to the scripture for the 
resolution of all doubts. 

Discord ANS. That is nothing at all to the purpose, cou- 
sin. I readily grant, and none can honestly deny it, that 
the scripture is the standard of truth ; but truth and ortho- 
doxy are two things, very different, and sometimes diamet- 
rically opposite to one another. Bible doctrine is the same 
in all ages and nations ; but orthodoxy in one nation differs 
at least as much from orthodoxy in another nation, as the 
several climates do from one another. To go no farther 
than Britain, you see what is south of the Tweed account- 
ed the purest religion in the world, is, upon travelling far- 
ther towards the pole, deemed corrupt, superstitious, and 
antichristian. So it is vice versa. Moreover, what has been 
orthodox and apostolic in one age, has had the misfortune to 
become quite heterodox and damnable in the next ; so that 
there is no certain standard of orthodoxy in any nation : but 
truth is always the same, and knows no standard but one. 

Indeed the synod of Dort, and the reformers of the Eng- 
lish church, have done what mortal men could do to fix an 
everlasting standard of orthodoxy by tying all future pro- 
fessors to subscribe their traditions. But even that is insuf- 
ficient. For, by the help of mental reservation, many sub- 
scribe contrary to their real belief ; and others, who have 
not that address, even go without a benefice, let them be- 
lieve the Bible ever so piously. Yea, I have known many 
deemed heretics, and burned at a stake, merely for believ- 
ing the Bible. Orthodox papists, orthodox episcopalians, or- 
thodox presbyterians, and orthodox congregationalists, have 
all had the honor of putting people to death for their want 
of orthodoxy ; that is, because they were daring enough to 
think for themselves, contrary to the known maxims of the 
orthodox priests, in every age. You know, it is observable, 
that the orthodox are condescending enough to suffer other 
people to have thought for them. 

Impiator. What, cousin, has any sect of Christians, b^ 
sides our friends the papists, been found to persecute those 
who differed from them 1 



180 



DIALOGUES 



DiscoRDANS. Yes, cousin, every sect which has at any time 
been happy enough to grasp the reins of government for 
the time being. The worthy papists bore the bell of ortho- 
doxy for the space of tv/elve hundred and sixty years, 
during which time much blood was shed by open massa- 
cres, secret assassinations, pretended judicatures, acts of 
bloody faith; and, at last, to finish the bloody reign of anti- 
christ, England, I'rance, the Netherlands, and the valleys 
of Piedmont swam with the gore of such who would be- 
lieve the Bible sooner than the voice of the priests. Queen 
Mary's reign furnished the orthodox in her day with a fine 
opportunity of discovering their zeal for the church, by 
murdering those who believed and obeyed the Bible; but 
her reign being short, and Elizabeth ascending the throne 
upon her demise, the other scale rose uppermost, and the 
protestants in their turn became orthodox ; that is, got the 
government into their hands. 

O the violence of reputed orthodoxy ! Those same gen- 
tlemen were no sooner emerged from prison than they also 
let the world knov/ that they were not to be differed from 
with impunity ; that the formula of their faith and worship 
must be regarded with as implicit obedience as that in the 
former reign imposed by the papists. Now the presbyteri- 
ans, independents, and other congregationalists, felt the 
weight of their rage, or, if you please, zeal for orthodoxy, 
and the good of the church. Now the prison-keepers, and 
their friend Master Ketch, had pretty near as good a run 
of trade as in the reign of Mary. And now the v/ilds of 
America began to be well peopled with English protestants 
and oppressed dissenters; and the good episcopalians at 
home, kept the fleece to themselves, and had all the good 
of the church before them. But those said presbyterians 
and independents had no sooner crossed the ocean for con- 
science sake, and found themselves secure from episcopali- 
an rage, than they themselves commenced orthodox and set 
up their own formula as the standard of religion, to which 
they required as implicit submission from others as the good 
bishops of England had erewhile done from themselves ; 
and now the poor antipedobaptists and quakers v/ere taught, 
that a mittimus is a mittimus, whether it is signed by a pa^ ' 
pist, an episcopalian, or a presbyterian ; and that sentence 
of death is to be dreaded as much from the mouth of the latter 



OF DEVILS, 



181 



as of the former. Those saaie di^r^senters, who had so lately 
found Old England too hot for themselves, by the glowings 
of priestly zeal for orthodoxy, soon made New England too 
hot for the poor quakers and antipedobaptists ; who, to es- 
cape the rage for presbytery, fled, the one to Pennsylvania 
and the other to Rhode-Island, that they might not be com- 
pelled to worship God according to other people's con- 
sciences, and contrary to their ow^n. 

Infidelis. So then the old spirit of calling down fire 
from heaven upon heretics, or those who walk in a difierent 
way, it seem.s has prevailed in modem times as well as of 
yore. O what a mask is tiiat ! human rage in the character 
of godly zeal ! It is wonderful to see people glorifying the 
prince of liberty, but shutting their brethren up in a dungeon 
for conscience sake ; worshipping the savior of m.en's lives 
by putting people to death, because they vrAl worship him 
in a different form ; a.nd it is as wonderful that the ambas- 
sadors of peace, as they call themselves, should be the 
principal agents of this violence. 

DiscoRDANS. But for the am.bassadcrs, persecution had 
never been known in the world, sir. The laity have so 
little zeal for God, that they would, if not instigated by the 
clergy, suffer men to v/orship him according to the best 
miderstanding they have of his mind revealed in the Bible. 
But the ambassadors are quite of another opinion ; for, by 
them it is determined, that God shall be worshipped in the 
very mode by them directed, or he shall not be w'orshipped 
at all, if they can help it. The honor of persecution, alias 
punishing of heretics, must all be ascribed to the reverend 
ambassadors. 

Impiator. By ambassadors, I suppose, cousin, you mean 
popish priests in contradistinction from protestant ministers. 

DiscoRDANS. I mean both papists and protestants, cou- 
sin ; and w^ith me it is not very easy to determine which 
best deserve the honorable appellation. 

But to return to my story. I taught the respectable 
pharisees in general the use of my instruments, which, as 
you saw in the late experiment, perfectly inverteth every 
object ; and so, by my prudent management, those very 
people, held to be the most religious of the Jews, were 
wrought up to such a degree of self-conceit, as to fit them 
for executing the will of the devil ; still supposing that they 



182 



DIALOGUES 



were doing good service to the God of Israel. Contemplated 
under the reflection of my ingenious instruments, those 
pharisses, who were darkness itself, considered themselves 
as angels of light, and each became so enamored of his own 
personal excellencies, that all who were not of their sect or 
persuasion, v/ere held in the most consummate abhorrence ; 
as accursed, and ignorant of their traditions, yea, even ene- 
mies to the Almighty. 

They viewed Imm.anuel, the brightness of the Father's 
glory, and express image of his person, by the help of my 
glasses, in which, to them, he appeared as one corne from 
Beelzebub, and performing miracles in the spirit and power 
of the great apostate. His immediate disciples were, indeed, 
men of whom the world was not worthy ; yet, viewed by 
the help of these notable instruments, they appeared as 
creatures the most despicable. Although men of peaceful 
principles, willing to spend and be spent for the good of 
mankind, they were held to be enemies to the public good ; 
men w^ho turned the world upside down ; unworthy of a 
dwelling in the tents of humianity, and therefore thrust out 
of the world with violence. Such wonderful works were 
accomplished of old, by the help of these am.azing instru- 
ments, and still they are perfect as ever, and fit for operation. 

Even at this day, when the Vt/hole system of revealed 
truth is examined by my inverting mirror, it is misappre- 
hended as cunningly devised fables ; a well-concerted sys- 
tem of falsehood ; or a priestly imposition on the consciences 
and understanding of the laity. Yes, my fellow destroyers, 
by my wise government, many who value themselves as the 
greatest masters of reason, are so absolutely stupid as to sup- 
pose that the eternal God has left men at large, without any 
given law or revelation of his mind, to which their submis- 
sion is required. Being thus stupidly absurd, you will not 
wonder, that the same masters of reason have been ingeni- 
ous enough to find out, that this vrorld, unwieldy as it is, 
was dexterous enough to create itself, and possesseth wisdom 
enough to be its own governor. 

Infidelis. By your leave, cousin, this last part of your ac- 
count belongs to my administration. You preside only over 
dissension and division. I want to hear some of your opera- 
tions of this kind. 

Discordant. True, sir. But if I preside over dissensions, 



OF DEVILS. 



183 



divisions, animosities, Sic. you know I must be allowed to 
use proper means, by which my works are to be propagated ; 
for I am not like those human fools, who expect the end 
without using the means. Besides, sir, that one devil should 
assist another, is by no means against the laws of our fra- 
ternity. If I, to promote my beloved discord, call in the as- 
sistance of your bewildering influences; I also, in a kind re- 
tarn, by the divisions which I foment, greatly strengthen 
the' slavish bands of great infidelitj^ Our interest being 
mutual, I hope the worthy Iniidelis will never grumble to 
lend me all possible assistance, in striving to make this 
earth, as much as may be, to resemble the regions of the 
damned. Moreover, our grea.t prince and pa,rent is no way 
careful, about which of his illustrious family is the instru- 
ment in damning a soul, so that the work of damnation is 
effected. 

Infidelis. T have no objection, cousin, to assist you, or 
any of our kindred. All I desire is, to have due notice 
taken of my influence. Our leading view ought undoubtedly 
to be the destruction of men, in compliance with the will of 
our great ancestor. But I detain you. 

DiscoRDANS. The ancient pharisees were not the only 
dupes I have had in the world. The great man at Rome, 
the father of the world, and head of the church of antichrist, 
has been as much my dupe as people of less eminence, as I 
shall show you in the sequel. 

Infidelis. What, cousin, have you become acquainted 
with my old friend ] I should like to know how that came 
to pass, and what acquaintance you have with him. 

DiscoRDANS. I accomplished it in the following manner. 
First I presented his supreme holiness with a pair of my in- 
struments, of the right Luciferian construction, on purpose 
that he might, by their assistance, try all the bulls he should 
publish, and all the causes which should come before him. 
For it ought to be observed, the time was when the whole 
world v/ondered at his infallible judgmiont. Infallible, ^ 
given out, and so for many ages received. Yea, so povverful, 
so efficacious has been the v/ord of his holiness, that ere now 
his very breath has blown the crown off from the head of 
one prince, upon that of another. So very extensive his 
sovereign sway, that to give a kingdom to a devoted friend, 



184 



DIALOGUES 



was no more to him, than to give a snufF of sneezing would 
be to a trusty highlander. 

From the use of my instruments there arises a necessity 
that his holiness's bulls, &c. should be the most perfect anti- 
christianism ; so that in the inverting mirror they may as- 
sume the likeness of unerring truth. It is the same with 
the persons and things which the hoary father is concerned 
with : the sentence is, in general, contrary to the real in- 
trinsic merit of the party or cause. Hence we fmd a turbu- 
lent Becket canonized for a saint, and placed among the 
Roman deities ; and a pious Cranmer condemned to the 
stake. Regicide is rewarded as meritorious, whilst walking 
according to the dictates of conscience is held altogether 
damnable, both in this and the future world. 

From the proper application of this mirror, popish bulls, 
decrees of councils, canons of churches, human composed 
formulas of worship, are supposed to be stamped with divine 
authority ; whilst the Bible, that only revelation of the di- 
vine mind, is considered not only as insufficient to show to 
men the way of salvation, but even dangerous to be read by 
the laity ; and it is absolutely forbidden their use, lest, by 
knowing too much of the w^ill of God, they should perish 
from the popish faith. So the good old vicar obliges the 
laity to go to hell blindfold v/ithout complaining. 

Nothing can be more certain, than that either his holiness 
the pope, or the writers of the scriptures, must be mistaken. 
The former says the Bible is dark, m.ysterious, difficult to be 
understood, and even danorerous to the souls of men ; where- 
as the latter say, the scripture way of salvation is so plain 
and easy, that the wayfaring man, though a stranger, though 
even a fool, shall not err therein. The pope has, for weighty 
reasons, been pleased to forbid the use of the scriptures, un- 
der the heavy penalty of death and damnation ; Jesus, the 
author of the Bible, commands all men to search the scrip- 
tures; and his spirit in Paul, applauds this conduct in the 
noble Bereans. Surely this points out the very person of 
antichrist. His holiness at Rome, and all other great lead- 
ers of the church, are of opinion that the scripture is not of 
itself sufficient to be the guide of conscience, the rule of 
faith and practice, therefore canons, creeds, liturgies, &c. are 
introduced to make the formula of worship more complete. 
But Paul the aposlle tells niaokind, that the scripture is able 



OF DEVILS. 



185 



througli God, to make them wise to salvation. So that the 
one or the other must needs be mistaken. 

Impiator. His holiness of Rome was in the right, to for- 
bid reading of the Bible, and they find their account in so 
doing. The old Bible, I am told, tolerates even a gospel 
minister to lead about a wife, bat confines him to one only. 
Therefore this Bible did not suit my good friends of the 
priesthood. But the pope's Bible, which forbids to marry, 
and enjoins an unreserved auricular confession, gives the 
gentlemen of the cloth an opportunity, under the pretence 
of being righteous more than others, of being lascivious to 
the uttermost, and to defile all tlie nuns in the convent. 
What full-fed friar would not choose a free admission into 
such a seraglio, rather than be confined by sacred miarriage 
to one only wife ? With them it is a rule, that much pleasure 
arises from variety. 

Discord ANs. So, cousin, I find you are acquainted with 
our old friends, the priests of Rome. 

Impiator. I have been long acquainted with them. Why, 
cousin, the greater part of them dwell in my canton of literal 
fornicators, and they are all freem.en in the district of mys- 
tical whoredom. 

DiscoRDAKS. I have taken care to furnish every ti'ue 
member of the Italian church with a partial telescope, by 
the help of which he takes a false vievv of the members of all 
other comm.unities whatever ; and in the very spirit of the 
ancient pharisees, holds all to be accursid who are not of his 
communion. By these means also, the holiness of real saints 
is called heresy, and the heresy of the papists obtains the 
name of holiness. The will-worship, superstition, and idol- 
atry, of those sons of the mystic v;hore, they call piety, 
whilst the pure spiritual worship of God, in Christ, is by 
them term.ed schism and heresy. 

In m.y instrum.ents the papists, in general, view the right- 
eousness of Immanuel, as the ground of man's acceptance 
with God, and therefore, say they, "It is all a chimera, a 
mere shadow, a doctrine of licentious tendency, unfit to be 
published amongst mankind." But when they consider their 
own personal merit, by the help of my telescope, they are 
ravished with their own supposed excellency. " A right- 
eousness of their own, sa y they, " is a work of substance, 
and will bear our dependence. Here is righteousness of my 
Q2 



186 



DIALOGUES 



own working out, enough to obtain the favor of God, and to 
spare. Blessed be my own hands for working out my sal- 
vation, and more than my salvation. Adored be my own 
heart for possessing more than holiness sufficient to bring 
me to heaven." Of the same opinion is the Rev. Mr. John 
Wesley, with whom it is plain, that the grace of God is in- 
sufficient to salvation, without the co-operation of the crea- 
ture ; who yet is confessedly incapable of doing any thing 
aright. There is a very near relation between the old gen- 
tleman at Rome, and his kinsman at the Foundry. Both are 
popes, though the latter is much more diminutive than the 
former. 

There was a time, when the whole assemblage of priests 
took it into their heads to promote their own religion, and 
to suppress that which had any tendency to lessen the im- 
portance of the sacerdotal order. For their more success 
they inquired of my mirror, as an oracle, for detection, as 
to means most proper for the purpose. Answer was given, 
" By tlie power of the sword." Therefore, in the popish 
Bible, it is written, " Those who, in contempt of holy church, 
shall take upon them to live according to the dictates of 
conscience and scripture, shall die the death, and their estates 
shall be confiscated to the prince of tlie realm, provided al- 
ways that one full moiety of every such estate shall, without 
deduction, be returned to his holiness at Rome, the prince 
over the kings of the earth. Moreover, whoever shall hesi- 
tate about yielding his conscience to the guidance of the 
priest, and shall not with apparent willingness bind his soul 
to the horns of the pontifical altar, shall be deemed and j 
damned for an heretic ; that is, sha,ll be burned out of this f 
world at a stake, and shall burn for ever in the world to 
come, according to the good pleasure of his merciful holi- 
ness." 

Infidelis. Ah, cousin, the devil was sadly outwitted in 
that affair; for although tlie burning of heretics was a pleas- 
ing diversion to our good friends the priests for the time be- 
mg, it has brought them, into contempt which will prove 
everlasting. Having set the world upon reflection, it is now 
found, to our grief, that the religion of Jesus has no con- 
nexion with a spirit of intolerance, which, wherever it ob- 
tains, is known to be the spirit of antichrist. One would 
really suppose^ that the successor of St. Peter had quite for- 



OF DEVILS. 



187 



gotten the injunction given his predecessor, to cease from 
the use of the sword and let it abide in its sheath, seeing he 
accounts its edge to be the most convincing of all arguments. 
But I interrupt your story, cousin. 

DiscoRDAis^s. Often have I seen the whimsical hermit 
and fantastical devotee, take an ample view of his own re- 
ligious proceedings, with this partial telescope and invertuig 
mirror, and thus sounds the voice of self-applause from the 
hermitical cell at the bottom of Sinai, or on the top of Ararat. 
" Lo, what a high degree of holiness my own self-denial and 
a,ssiduity have procured me. Behold ! what great good my 
crucifixion of the flesh, and separation from the world, have 
wrought out for me ; for which I may thank my own reso- 
lution. By my pious diligence I have obtained holiness suf- 
ficient to qualify me for, and good works more than enough 
to entitle me to heaven. Happy I, wdio have made such a 
good improvement of my time ! Unlike to those indolent 
people who, when they die, are obliged either to purchase 
their pardons at an advanced price, or to lie for ages in the 
flames of purgatory, burning away their rebellions ; I shall 
get safe to heaven without so much as touching at that 
flaming prison on my journey." 

Impiator. Dear cousin, how I have laughed ; laughed m^y- 
self out of breath, strong and healthy as my lungs are, to 
see the papal penitent, after he has in holy zeal whipt him- 
self with the cat-o'-nine-tails, for the length of several streets, 
till the impious offending gore has laid on the stones. En- 
amored v/ith his own fortitude in so belaboring the sinful 
flesh, I have seen him, after his penitential work was finish- 
ed, examine every stripe by the help of my valuable instru- 
ments, and as he viewed, he cried with the voice of exulta- 
tion, " Ah, how infatuated are those who hope to get to hea- 
ven in a whole skin ; without mortifying and punishing the 
wricked flesh ! To expose themiselves to such severe exercise 
in the discipline of purgatory, for want of devotion enough 
to submit to the discipline of the church, how impious ! But 
I shall have a speedy entrance into happiness on my dissolu- 
tion; for I mortify the memibers of this body, and these 
wounds religiously inflicted voluntarily by my own hand, 
will be so many mouths to intercede for me with the Al- 
mighty." 

AvARO. So then, cousin, the intercession of Immanuel is 



188 



DIALOGUES 



quite out of the question, with your penitents, I perceive. 
And indeed those people who can whip themselves to hea- 
ven cannot have much need of his advocacy and intercession. 
If the whip, well applied, can save a man from destruction, 
one would be apt to conclude, that Immanuel might have 
saved himself the expense of such bloody sufferings and 
agonizing sorrows as he underwent. 

DiscoRDAKS. That is true, cousin ; but their first concern 
is not with Immanuel, but his holiness the pope. Not about 
the favor of God, but that of his reverence the priest, who 
is thought to have ail the orators of heaven under his influ- 
ence. Therefore, those that hope for favor with the inhabit- 
ants of heaven, must be very careful not to lose the good 
graces of the parson ; for it is thought, no man can meet 
with a cordial reception in the other world, but what brings 
proper credentials with him from the ghostly guide of his 
conscience in this. But Death is a wonderful instructor, 
and teaches the poor beguiled criminals, lessons which they 
never thought of in life ; and amongst others, this important 
one, that the favor of the pope and priest can be of no more 
service to a dying man, than the favor of Mahomet. 

When the true-born sons of the scarlet v/hore, are pleased 
to view the Protestants with my telescope, indignation rises 
in the heart ; and thus they give vent to their zeal and ven- 
geance ; " Ah, what a goodly heaven would it be to see those 
heretics broiling in the flames of hell ! When shall ven- 
geance fall to the uttermost upon those who dare despise the 
authority of the church and its holy priest 1" 

Infidelis. It is allowed on all hands in the church of 
Rome, that to protest against the pope's supremacy, and dis- 
believe his infallibility, is the sin unpardonable ; for which 
no dispensation whatever can be obtained from the clergy, 
however much their so doing may be approved in heaven. 
And it is an article in the papal faith, that fire and fagot, 
rack and gibbet, are the most convincing, or rather invinci- 
ble of all arguments, and therefore never to be omitted in 
the decision of religious disputes. 

Impiator. When we consider, sir, that his holiness of 
Rome is not such an able logician as Jesus of Nazareth, 
and hath a religion very different from his to defend, we 
must allow that he is in the right of it to reason with the 
edge of the coercive weapon. Fraudulent religion is liable 



OF DEVILS. 



to many disadvantages to which truth is not subject ; and 
although the one will eternally stand of itself, against all 
the machinations of darkness, the other will require the 
assistance of violence and intolerance to uphold it. Who 
then can blame their papal reverences for pulling the sword 
from its scabbard, in order to convince gainsay ers 1 I have 
seen many, by dint of sound reasoning, most grievously con- 
found the holy fathers, who became like dumb dogs that 
could not bark before them, in a moment's time silenced by 
the end of a cord, or some such irrefutable argument. These 
are wonderful ways to enlighten the consciences of heretics, 
gentlemen. But I pray you, cousin, have you no concern 
among the Protestants '? 

DiscoRDANS. Not a little, cousin, which, to-morrow, I 
may give you some account of ; but at present must forbear, 
the usual time of interview being elapsed. Adieu, my kins- 
men, adieu. 



DIALOGUE XIV. 

DISCORDANS. 

Yes, gentlemen, strange as it may seem, I assure you my 
advantages by these instruments are great, and my influ- 
I ence even over Protestants not to be despised. Though, it 
1 is true, I am at no pains to prejudice the Protestants against 
I the Papists, or to make use of my instruments in order to 
I render the latter more disagreeable than they really are. 
I For, whilst in the body, it is impossible to make a thorough- 
\ bred papist more diabolical than he is already. I leave it 
i therefore vvith the Protestants to examine the worshippers 
of the pope, in the mirror of revealed truth, by v/hich the 
anti-christianism of that religion is sufficiently detected ; 
and all the fallacy of priestcraft is brought to open light. 
But, great is the business which I do between one Protest- 
ant and another ; who, although they unanimously agree to 
shake off the papal yoke, are most grievously divided am.ong 
themselves. They abominate the high and arrogant pre- 
' tensions of Rome ; yet they themselves are severally the 



190 



DIALOGUES 



most orthodox, and driDk deeper into the spirit of popery 
tlian they are perhfips aware of, even of the precious spirit 
of intolerance and bigotry. 

When a zealous churchman, such as Sacheverel, or his 
lordship of L — ff, or a Durell, Nowel, or Blackett, ex- 
amines his own party with my telescope and mirror; how 
enaniored is the good man on the discovery of his own ex- 
cellency ! How much of the self-opinionated strain flows 
from his boasting lips ! " There is no doubt, says he, but our 
church is truly apostolical ; the purest church in the whole 
world. We hold fast the form of sound words, and are not 
forgetful of the tradition of the elders." 

Infidelis. No, cousin, they are not forgetful of tradition ; 
for with all the pompous parade of lordly prelates, there is 
not a small part of the Episcopalian formula tliat derives its 
existence from the traditions of even the Romish fathers. 
Cringing and curtsying when the name of Jesus is pro- 
nounced ; worshipping v/ith the face towards the east ; 
keeping lent, and other holidays besides the Christian Sab- 
bath ; fasting on Fridays ; crossing in baptism ; with a great 
many more, are all sprung from the Italian fountain. In like 
manner the names of their priests evidently show^ that the 
pope stood godfather at their christening. And he that but 
looks on their canonical robes, must be instantly convinced 
that they are cut in the true Italian taste. However, they 
are not the only Protestants who hanker after papal cus- 
toms ; for even the Geneva cloak itself discovers the tailor's 
acquaintance with the shops of Italy. And yet to hear the 
Calvinists boast of their reformation from popery, one would 
think we could not find so much as a shred of the strum- 
pet's garments within the pale of their presbytery. 

Discord AKS. It is a rule with mankind in general, to look 
out narrowly for the mote in the eye of another, whilst they 
tenderly pass by the beam which is in their own eye ; and, 
as we have brought the world into such a state of disorder, 
it is no difficult matter for the eye of jealousy to find faults 
enough. Sometimes I clap my telescope to the eye of a 
true son of the church, and direct him to survey the whole 
body of dissenters; he obeys, and then exclaims, "These 
same roundheads are schismatics, prone to strife and sedi- 
tion; self-sufficient, turbulent, and uneasy bigots ; haters of 
apostolic discipline, and lovers of licentiousness, who there- 



or DEVILS. 



191 



fore spit in the face of their mother, and wickedly leave the 
purest church in the world." 

Impiator. I pray you, cousin, are there none apostolical 
besides the Episcopalians I 

DiscoRDAiNS. O yes, cousin Impiator ; all are apostolical, 
if their own testimony is to be credited. All the Romish 
clergy are apostolical, and give it out that Peter the fisher- 
man w^as their great-grandfather. The church of Scotland 
is also apostolical, and the power of the twelve apostles is 
thought to have been transferred to the Scotch presbytery. 
The Independents are apostolical also on account of the 
soundness of their doctrine, and regularity of some part of 
their discipline. But both they and the north country cler- 
gym^en labor under some disadvantages; for the latter have 
lost the deed of transfer, which conveyed the authority of 
the apostles unto the presbytery; and the former are un- 
happy enough to be unable to produce either precept or 
precedent from the apostles for infant sprinkling, which is 
notwithstanding a foundation doctrine, and by them account- 
ed Christian baptism. The Baptists, or, as the Independents 
and Methodists respectfully call them.. Anabaptists, you may 
be sure, are not less apostolical than their neighbors, hav- 
ing, besides all the advantages claimed by the Independents, 
the enjoyment of baptism according to the primitive insti- 
tution. So that no defect whatever, in point of a gospel 
spirit, can hinder them from being apostolical. 

Even Mr. Wesley and his preachers give themselves out 
to be a,postolical, notwitlistanding Mr. Wesley asserts that 
salvation is by w^orks, wdiich the apostle Paul denied. No 
contradiction whatever w^ill hinder the teachers of the peo- 
ple from considering themselves as apostolical. When I am 
used to attend the Sandem.anian church, after service-time, 
and divert myself w^ith their playing at blindman's buff, I 
confess I could not easily gather from vvhat part of the apos- 
tles' conduct they derived tlieir w^arrant for this game ; any 
more than for cards, skittles, attending plays and masque- 
rades, going to Vauxhall, Ranelagh, &c. &c. and yet this is 
the only apostolic church in the w^orld in its own esteem, 
taken in its proper connexions. Ilovvover, it is said, some 
of the oldest pillars of the church having had their shins 
, repeatedly broken, and the elders' noses having been smit- 
i ten even to bloodshed, they have laid aside that dangerous 



192 DIALOGUES m 

play of blindman's biifF, so very apostolical a few years ago, 
and have found out ways and means of becoming little chil- , 
dren, less dangerous and more becoming their infant capa- ■ 
cities, by which they may spend the evening of every Sab- 
bath. 

Impiatoh. By your leave, cousin, I have often been puz- 
zled to find out how it is the prelates of the church of Eng- 
land came to be apostolical ; and I protest I cannot, after 
all, unriddle the mystery. I have heard my father say, that 
the apostles were never consecrated to any see whatever in 
England, and there was not half the number of apostles 
there are of prelates even in this island. Moreover, I have 
heard him say, the archbishops and bishops of the English 
church are the successors of the archflamins and flamins, 
the dignitaries of the old British pagan church, prior to the 
days of Lucius. Now if they hold the honors and revenues 
of the pagan clergymen, how is it that they are apostolical 1 
Is it because the name is changed from flamin to bishop, or 
how ? 

Certain it is, the English bishops must be of a more noble 
order than the apostles. There are lord bishops; they pos- 
sess great revenues; they are clothed in soft raiment, 
and dwell in kings' courts ; they are too high, too polite, too 
dignified, to preach in a common assembly, or indeed in any 
other, more than twice or thrice a year. But the apostles 
were men of mean extraction, not lords, not right rever- 
ends ; plain Paul, Peter, James, &c. They were contented 
if their revenues would purchase food and raiment for 
them ; they seldom appeared amongst great men, in kings' 
courts, otherwise than in quality of prisoners ; they were 
willing to spend and be spent, in preaching the gospel to 
all people, and on all occasions ; they had no carriages, no 
equipages ; nothing to glory of but their afflictions, which 
fell upon them in every place wherever they came. 

Infidelis. There is some weight in your reasoning, my 
son, and they will understand it hereafter. But, in the mean- 
while, it is not clever in the churchmen, however zealous, 
to charge the nonconformists with having separated from 
the church. The church of England, in her rubric, defines a 
church to be " a congregation of faithful men, where the 
word is preached, and the ordinances are administered;" 
from whence it is plain, a church may meet in a house ; 



OF DEVILS. 



193 



which has never a steeple ; and a man may leave the house 
of parish worship, or what is called the parish church, and 
yet cleave to a congregation of faithful men and women, 
where the ordinances are administered and the word preach- 
ed, which the rubric, as before observed, acknowledges to 
be the true church. Churches are built of living stones, 
which never a parish church nor cathedral in England is ; 
therefore a departure from them can never, with propriety, 
be said to be a schism in the church. My good friend, the 
high churchman, is somewhat unkind to the nonconformists 
in this affair. 

DiscoRDANS. I allow it, sir. But I assure you the non- 
conformist perfectly understands the law of retaliation, and 
is an adept in the use of my instruments. In some zealous 
hour of self-approbation you may hear his thoughts about 
the Episcopalians. "These Episcopalians, says he, these 
mongrels, are monsters in religion ; like Ephraim, they are 
neither baked nor unbaked, but like a cake not turned ; 
neither good protestants nor right papists. Partly they wor- 
ship God, and partly they obey the pope. What consistency 
can there be in such a jumbled religion 1 Can there be any 
good, where there is so much papal dross and refuse ? Any 
true religion where there is so much false traditional super- 
stition ] Can there be any thing of the substance, where 
there is so much of the shadow ]" So you see there is never 
a sect of Protestants, but will occasionally do the devil a 
kindness, in their treatment of one another. 

Infidelis. This language of the nonconformists is not 
general, cousin ; for there are many who believe that a per- 
son may really be saved, although even not of their com- 
munity; and that all who differ from them, are not to be 
treated as absolutely enemies to God and all religion. The 
like may be said of the good people of the church of Eng- 
land. For amongst them you will find some who do not 
really think that every dissenter is absolutely in a state of 
damnation, and hope at least that a man may escape hell, 
even though he never sets his foot in the parish church. 
However, I have often been highly diverted at hearing the 
church parson on the one hand, railing against the neigh- 
boring dissenters as worse than the papists, instead of 
preaching the gospel ; and, on the other hand, the dissenter, 
with the greatest dexterity, bandying back the curse upon 



194 



DIALOGUES 



his reverence, as the dog that barks at the sheep of Christ. 
Prejudice, cousin, deals all in extremes; it never touches 
on the middle path of judgment, the path reserved for the 
gentle steps of candor. 

DiscoRDANS. It is not enough that I persuade the most 
bigoted part of both conformists and nonconformists, recip- 
rocally to consider each other as the avowed and incorrig- 
ible enemies of Christianity, and themselves to be its warm- 
est votaries. Bat I find means to procure the noncons a 
sight of each other in my celebrated telescope, and each to 
treat the different denominations with as much rigor and in- 
justice, as if they were not followers or did not profess to 
be followers of one and the same Savior. The hottest 
episcopalian rage ever felt by their forefathers, discovered 
not more bigotry than what some of them discover against 
one another. 

I was greatly edified the other day in paying a visit to an 
eminent Quaker, who, when w^ith curious eye he was exam- 
ining my instruments, was moved b}^ the spirit of self-con- 
ceit, to examine, try, cast and condemn all the sects of pro- 
fessors around him, as destitute of the inward power of re- 
ligion ; and thus, having my telescope at his eye, he began : 
" Friend Episcopalius, I perceive thou art so carried away 
with the form, that thou carest not for the power of reli- 
gion. Vain man, shadow^s are thy clelight, and thou little re- 
gardest the substance. Dost thou think, friend Episcopalius, 
that the spirit is in the service-book ? Why dost not thee 
read friend Barclay's Apology ] Dost thou suppose that 
Christian ministers are ever to be seen shrouded in Romisk 
weeds and surplices ? How can thy steeple-house be a re- 
ceptacle of the meek and peaceful saints, when there m 
such' a clinking of bells from the top of if? Is it not more 
likely a synagogue of Satan, whose servants are turbulent 
and noisy ? Thy ministers preach for hire, friend, they take 
tithes and ofierings from the people, and how can they then 
be ministers of Jesus Christ ] I advise thee, friend Episco- 
palius, to consider thy ways, and turn to the light within 
thee; then thy priests will let one shirt at a time serve 
their turn, and will no longer preach for tithes and offer- 
ings. Then shalt thou thyself be led to renounce the fanta- 
sies of this vain life, and solicit neither for church nor state 
preferment, but wilt content thyself with getting money ia 



OF DEVILS. 



195 



a way of trade, like our self-denying brethren. I say again, 
vain man, consider how worldly are thy practices. 

"As for you, my friends of the Presbyterian and inde- 
pendent denominations, I allow that ye do not conform to 
the corrected mass-book, for which some praise is due to 
you. But, alas ! ye conform to the world, notwithstanding. 
Look ye, friends, your women wear ribbons of unholy co- 
lors ; rings of gold, polluted by the profane hands of the sil- 
versmith; yea, ruffles, farbeloes, and heads frizzled up to an 
enormous height, of downright French profaneness; your 
women are ladies, madams, and misses, all of which indi- 
cate that ye are destitute of the inward powder, and neglect 
to look to the light wdthin you. Yea, examine but your own 
clothes, ye who call yourselves gentlemen, and see what ir- 
reiigion discovers itself in every part of their fabrication. 
Do yoQ see, friends, your parsons wear clothes of an idola- 
trous black, and bands starched with superstition, after the 
manner of popish and episcopalian hirelings. Ye make 
ministers, sprinkle your infants, use ordinances, and, like 
all other worldlings, are as much attached to shadows, as if 
the substance were not to come; yea, your clothes are 
made of unholy colors, such as are worn by the servants of 
the flesh ; ye wear buttons, made of metal digged out of 
the bowels of the sinful earth ; even pocket-holes impiously 
gaping in the fore-skirts of your upper garment; and to add 
to the height of your carnality, your hats are wdckedly 
cocked, after the manner of the sons of antichrist. I charge 
you all, ye Presbyterians and independents, to tarn to the - 
light within you, and that will lead you to the substance. 
Then will ye forsake all these lying and worldly vanities. 

" As for thee, my fidend Baptismus, (continued the seri- 
ous Quaker) thou art worse than all the rest; they have 
given up some of the ordinances which were in use during 
the apostles' days, but thou retainest every punctilio; in 
this therefore thou art formal and superstitious. By leading 
of people to submit to those primitive ordinances, thou dis- 
honorest the light within thee, which teaches those who 
obey it to despise ordinances, as thou seest in the case of 
our brethren. Besides, thy clothes are of a dark color, like 
those of other hirelings and men-made preachers. Why 
dost thou not imitate our elders in wearing cloth of a reli- 
gious color, even of an holy drab ? Observe me, friend, thy 



196 



DIALOGUES 



hat is cocked after a popish manner, and tlioa v/earest a 
button and loop upon it, after the fashion of an antichrist. 
Why hast thou not hooks and eyes to raise it only to a half 
bend, after the manner of the spiritual ] 

" It appears but too plainly, friend Baptismus, that thou 
art still in the v/orid. Thy preachers also wear popish 
cambric on their bosoms, preach for hire, and assume the 
epithet of reverend. Thee and thy friends make a mighty 
bustle about what thou call est the scripture. I pray thee, 
friend, turn thee from that dead letter, to the author of it 
within, so shalt thou be taught to contemn ordinances, as 
we do, and to give honor to none of thy fellow-creatures, 
how much soever it may be due. 

" But thou, my friend Wesley, com est more near to the 
standard than any of thy neighbors. Thy priests are not 
hirelings, having only food and raiment, and thou wisely 
takest care of the rest. Neither are they of human manu- 
facture, but are all like unto our elders, sent forth by special 
commission from heaven, from whence thou sayest that 
thou derivest thy own commission. 

" Thou preachest the free agency of man also, and shut- 
test none out from heaven, besides those who will not fulfil 
thy conditions, or, as our elders say, refuse to obey the dic- 
tates of the true light within them. Nevertheless, thou 
fallest short of perfection ; for though thou despisest the 
bishops as dum^b dogs, thou art mightily taken v/ith the 
steeple-house ; and, although thou thyself wilt be subject to 
no ordinance but what thou thinkest meet, thou supersti- 
tiously bind est both thy preachers and people to the observ- 
ance of every rite of what thou callest the church. I pray 
thee, friend John, why dost thou pinch thy belly on Fridays ? 
What seest thou in the fifth hour more than in the ninth, 
that thou should est set it apart for what thou callest devo- 
tion 1 Why shouldest thou exhort thy preachers to read 
the scriptures with thy notes, to read thy other tracts in 
preference to all others, to pray at certain hours, as if the 
spirit were at their command, and to preach twice every 
day of their lives ] Thou art too formal, friend, and regards 
est not duly the light that is within thee." 

Infidelis. And so your friend, the Quaker, is pleased to 
tell all the world, that he is possest of the spirit of bigotry 
and self-conceit. However, he is not the only bigot in the 



OF DEVILS. 



197 



world. Bigotry is an epidemical distemper among man- 
kind, and I know no greater bigots than the people who 
profess to be the warmest votaries for unlimited charity. 
Who was ever more bigoted than friend Barclay and his 
quaking brethren ] Or who in the world is more bigoted 
and dogmatical at this day, than the reverend principal of 
the Foundry, that great votary for universal redemption, and 
the spontaneous agency of men. So very highly is this 
gentleman esteemed, by m.any of his people, that I have 
heard his labors extolled above those of Paul the apostle ; 
and indeed himself accounted to be one of the two witnesses, 
spoken of in the apocalypse. But in this they m^ist be mis- 
taken, unless by sackcloth, in which the Vvitnesses prophe- 
sied, Vv^e are to understand prunella ; for in black prunella, 
instead of sackcloth, have all the prophecies of Mr. John been 
published, 

DiscoRDANS. My friend, the Quaker, having trium.phantly 
surveyed the supposed imperfections of his neighbors, turned 
the telescope towards himself ; then gathering his muscles 
into a smile of self-complacency, he said, Yea, it is evident 
that J am a true follower of the light within, for T give 
-honor to no man, how much soever it is his due ; prince and 
peasant, noble and ignoble, are all the same to me, my fel- 
low-creatures and equals. In farther obedience to the in- 
ward light, I do not pra}^ not once in seven years, unless 
moved by an impulse from the spirit. My inward bible 1 
often read ; but the dead letter of external scripture 1 leave 
to those who are fond of shadows. My raiment too is all 
made of an approved color, even of sanctified drab ; and my 
linen is plain, thouo'h fine and neatly dressed. Yea, and 
Martha, my good wife, too, is separated from the world, and 
is a suitable help-meet to a spiritual man ; she Vvears no 
furbeloes, no profane cardinals, capuchins, dominos, &c. but 
all her apparel is rich, good and plain, becoming a separa- 
tion from the world. 

Infidelis. With the Quaker's good leave, I think the 
faults he finds in his neighbors, are but little gnats when 
compared to the huge camels, which to my certain know- 
ledge he himself can swallow v^athout straining. Besides, 
the virtues of which he makes his boast, even supposing 
them to be virtues, are all external, and are no more than 
tithes paid of anise, mint and cummin, whilst the weightier 
R2 



198 



DIALOGUES 



matters of the law are neglected, perhaps even by this 
precisian. 

AvARO. I have often wondered what it is that makes a 
drab color more religious and becoming than another ; yet 
certainly it must be so, for the Quakers are wise, very wise, 
and could not be imposed on, as eveiy tradesman who deals 
with them is ready to testify. Amongst my disciples I have 
heard amazing accounts of the wisdom of the Quakers, and 
the use they are of, in teaching even novices wisdom, by 
their provident example. However, I have as much won- 
dered what the papists, episcopalians, and every other sect 
of professors, discern so amiable and lovely in black, as to 
induce them to make it a canonical color; and almost, if 
not altogether, essential to the ministration of the word. No 
doubt they have heard that Beelzebub is said to be drest in 
raiment of the deepest black ; and one would wonder they 
should desire their ministers to be clothed in the same 
uniform, seeing they professedly have declared war against 
him and all his principalities. Yet so it is ; for any other 
than dark-colored clothes upon a minister, would frighten 
an auditory out of their pews, and the best of sermons 
would not be worth hearing, if the preacher were not in- 
vested in the sacerdotal livery. 

Fastosus. It is I, my friends, even I, who am at the 
bottom of that religious whim. But for me, Vv^hite would 
be thought to become the pulpit as Vv^ell as black, and green 
would be as holy as gray. I call it whim, because the 
greatest of the Nazarenes, in ancient times, knew no color 
which was more holy than the rest ; and the same clothes 
in which the apostle Paul made his tents, served him as 
canonical robes, in which he also preached the gospel. By 
this- you may see that my influence is very extensive, even 
in religious things. 

Impiator. What, uncle, had not Paul a gown and cas- 
sock, in which he preached, and a surplice in which he 
oiTered up liis prayers'? 

Fastosus. No, Irapiator. ¥/here should he have them ] 
You may know that the gown, surplice, &c. were contrived 
by the man of sin, I mean the son of perdition, whose prin- 
cipal seat is at Rome ; but in the days of the apostles he 
was not revealed, notwithstanding the mystery of popish 



OF DEVILS. 



199 



doctrine had indeed begun to Vvork. But all this while we 
forget our good friend the Quaker. 

Infidelis. Indeed, brother, we do not use the Quaker 
handsomely in so long neglecting of him ; but to make him 
some amends, I must tell you, that I have often laughed 
heartily to hear those precise gentry exclaim against the 
form of religion by others adhered to, as if they themselves 
v/ere nothing but spirit, v/hen at the same time they are as 
formal a people as any upon earth. And in truth very few 
of them know any thing at all of religion, besides that very 
imperfect form which they have adopted. Bat we are wise 
enough to keep our thumb upon that ; for if the cheat were 
discovered, I am afraid they would be glad to embrace that 
f)art of the form of religion which they reject, in order 
-to obtain the power of it, of which the far greater part of 
them now are destitute. 

DiscoRDANS. I can tell you, the Quakers are liberally 
paid back in their own coin. And am.ongst every sect of 
Protestants hitherto mentioned, you will find some who 
seldom or never look at the people called Quakers but 
through my telescope. Were you by, vv^lien the Quaker is 
examined by the rest of the Protestants, you would almost 
split your sides with laughing at their partiality and unfair 
representation. Say they, " The Quakers' religion lies all in 
their dress, speech, and money-getting. Tlieir religion lies 
not in the head, but in broad-brimmed half-cocked hats. 
Not in their hearts, but in their coats. Not in their actions, 
but in their tongues. All their public meetings are calcu- 
lated to promote the great end of getting money, and in- 
creasing commerce ; are not religious, but merely political." 

By this you may see, that the Quakers are abused and 
belied in their turn, as well as they abiise and belie others. 
The above reflections are just enough when applied only to 
some or to a great many of them, but will by no means hold 
as a general rule ; seeing you all know, there is now and 
then a Quaker who breaks away from his subjection to the 
god of this world ; and despising all that we and our sable 
clan can do to prevent it, gets safe withm the palace of Im- 
manuel. Moreover, there are, at those public meetings, 
some, though comparatively few, who have a truly religious 
design in giving their attendance. From these things you 



200 



DIALOGUES 



may see, my friends, that prejudice deals all in extreriieg^ 
and knows not how to speak favorably. 

Infidelis. There is a gross mistake, into which we have 
with great vigilance ensnared the posterity of Adam. When 
a small number only, of any particular body of people, are 
found guilty of a certain evil, the crime is usually charged 
upon the w^hole ; and the precipitate, injudicious conclu- 
sion is, " They are alike." For instance, the Munster Bap- 
tists were once guilty of certain outrages, w^ith which the 
whole sect of antipedobaptists are to this day very charitably 
calumniated. And because very many of the Quakers are 
amazingly wise to get money, and to keep it when it is pro- 
cured, it is often said they are all such, and that Avaro is 
their lawgiver. 

Heyday, whither is the rule of moral equity gone, that 
the professors of religion cannot set their eyes upon it] 
Where is that candor and benevolence, which the Christian 
religion everywhere recommends, that you, cousin, have 
gained such an ascendency over them? 

DiscoRDANS. By the instrumentality of these glasses, I 
got the preachers of salvation by grace, traduced as Antino- 
mians, and the doctrines of the word of God bespattered as 
so many sources of licentiousness. For instance, the preacher, 
as his duty is, declares, " That salvation is not of works, but 
grace ;" and may thus reason with the people : " You can 
do nothing that will recommend you to the favor of God ; 
the Ethiopian may change his hue, and the leopard his spots, 
as soon as you, who are accustomed to do evil, can change 
your own nature, and learn to do well : for it is not of 
works of righteousness which ye have done, or can do, that 
your salvation cometh ; but merely by the calling of free 
mercy." I intantly clap my telescope to the eye of the le- 
galist, and he exclaims, " What an enemy to good works is 
this same wretched Antinomian ! According to him, we 
may as well do nothino- as strive to procure the favor of 
God ; may as well lead lives the most vile and profligate, as 
study to live righteously and holily; for, according to this 
same preacher, our wickedness is as acceptable to God, as 
our most holy and virtuous living. Yea, more acceptable ; 
for he declares, that harlots and publicans shall enter into 
the kingdom of heaven, sooner than those who do what they 
can to procure eternal life by their holiness and good works." 



OF DEVILS. 



201 



Such is the language, not only of the vulgar and ignorant, 
but of many who profess to know much of religion. When- 
ever the self-sufficient Arminius is in the humor to try the 
doctrines of the gospel in my inverting mirror, and the 
preachers of them in my partial telescope, he very candidly 
and with great liberalit}^, bestows upon them such as the 
follovvang reflections : " These wretched Calvinists repre- 
sent the Almighty God as a partial and unmerciful being, 
who hides his gospel and Vv^ithholds his grace from men of 
virtue, wisdom, and prudence, whilst he reveals himself to 
the most notorious transgressors. They say, that a man of 
IB. regular inoffensive life may perish for ever, when a mur- 
derer, like Manasseh ; a polluted prostitute, as Magdalen ; and 
a wicked oppressor, like Zaccheus, shall be saved. If this 
is true, then we had better live notoriously wicked, than so- 
ber, righteous and godly lives. What wretched, what dan- 
gerous doctrine is this ! they make God to be the author of 
sin too ; for they say that nothing comes to pass but by di- 
vine appointment or permission. They talk also of some 
horrible decree, m which God is said to have ordained the 
things which are coming and shall come. No need of holi- 
ness, if salvation is not of him that willeth ; no need of dili- 
gence, if it is not of him tliat runneth, but to whom the Al- 
mighty showeth mercy. If God hath mercy only upon whom 
he will have iPxCrcy, and hardeneth w^hom he will, we may 
live as we please ; for if we are to be saved, we shall not be 
damned. What diabolical doctrine is this!"* Thus the 
Arminian raves against the doctrine of the scripture, and 
all its faithful preachers. 

Impiator. I pray you, cousin, who are these same Ar- 
minians 1 You know I am but little conversant w^ith religious 
people of any name. 

DiscoRDANS. The papists in general, cousin ; and all the 
unconverted, who have any notion at all about redemption 
through the blood of Christ. Mr. Wesley and his followers, 
the Baxterians and Neonomians ; for none exceed them in 
enmity against the parity of doctrine. Thus you may see, 



* These devils, I perceive, are not very exact in literally copying the 
expressions, but content themselves ^vith expressing the spirit of preach- 
ers and writers. If any reader should think that Discordans does injus- 
tice to the Arminians here, he maybe satisfied of the contrary, by con- 
Bulting Sellon against Coles, Fletcher's defence of Wesley's minutes. 



202 



DIALOGUES 



that the Arminian party is by far the most numerous, and 
most honorable among men, and therefore gains proselytes 
from all quarters. Though, by the way, it is a pretty strong- 
proof that it is the doctrine of antichrist, seeing Immanuei 
and his doctrines are every where spoken against, by men 
of philosophy and natural religion. 

Infibelis. You know, cousin Discordans, that we have 
found out many ways of opposing the pure gospel, and this 
is one among the rest ; under our influence, the grace abus- 
ing libertine censures the true Christian as legal, because 
he strenuously pleads for purity of heart and regularity of 
conversation. On the other hand, the real legalist, whether 
he be Socinian or Arminian, alleges, that the evangelical 
Christian is an Antinomian, because he utterly disclaims 
the merit of good works in the business of salvation. In- 
deed, on all hands, those who choose either of the extremes, 
never fail to censure such as adhere to the middle path of 
judgment ; which you know is the only path of safety. 

Fastosus. Your observation, brother, fulfils what is 
written in Immanuel's own word, concerning these same 
Nazarenes, "As for this sect, it is everywhere spoken 
against." However the enemies of true religion differ 
among themselves, they agree in stigmatizing the real 
Christian. Belarmine, Pucksius, Huberus, Hemengius, &c. 
holy fathers of the Romish church, heartily belabored them 
in their days; Dr. Whitby, John Goodwin, Whiston, &.c. 
of the English church, have carried on the dispute with 
equal warmth, and improved the same chain of arguments 
against them in latter days; in the present time Dr. Har- 
wood of Bristol, Mr. Wesley of London, Mr. Sellon of Der- 
byshire, and Dr. Nowel of Oxford, have managed the popish 
cause with amazing address, and all the while pass for true 
Protestants. So that everywhere, that gospel which is 
suited only to the perishing sinner, is spoken against, as per- 
nicious and subversive of holiness. 

Discordant. Our friends, the men of this world, always 
view the sect of the Nazarenes in my glasses, and as they 
look on them, they say, " What a despicable tribe is this ! 
A set of mean beggarly people, the offscourings of the earth, 
and the very dregs of humanity. Not a person of any con- 
siderable rank among them. Led by the nose by a set of 
illiterate dogmatical fishermen. What person, possessed of 



OF DEVILS. 



any sense of honor, would frequent their assemblies, or have 
any connexion with their societies ]" 

Infidelis. Your remarks are very just, my worthy cousin ; 
for mankind in general have forgotten that the scripture 
says, " Not many wise men after the flesh, not many noble 
are called; but God hath chosen the foolish things of this 
world to confound the v/ise, and the weak things of the 
world to confound the mighty." So that the very objections 
raised against them, prove the Kazarenes to be the people 
whom Immanuel hath redeemed out of the world. 

DiscoRDANS. True, sir, but they see not the mistake. 
But to proceed ; my instruments farther represent them, as 
a set of hollow-hearted hypocrites, whom our people thus 
deride. "What painted deceivers are these, who make 
such a stir about religion, and afreet such an air of sanctity ! 
Hear how they sigh and whine, whilst that rogue of a fa- 
natic tells them his cant story about T know not what. The 
scripture says, ' Be not righteous overmuch ; seek not to be 
over wise.' And I dare say that we have as much religion 
as they, though we do not make such a stir about it. I will 
warrant me these hypocrites are more wicked in private 
than we are in public ; for, although they will not get drunk, 
curse and swear, as we do, they wall cheat and lie like 
the devil himself" 
I , Fastosus. a demonstrative proof of the perfection of our 
' conquest over them ; for mankind in general do not only 
f hate godliness itself, but even its appearance. And for this 
j reason true sanctity, devotion and self-denial are commonly 
I censured as hypocrisy. 

DiscoRDANS. As our good friends of the world are not as 
yet perfectly agreed in their manner of aspersing good peo- 
ple, it happens that different people pursue different methods, 
equally absurd and diabolical. Some, for instance, are 
pleased to say, " These people are melancholy. See how 
they hang down their heads like bulrushes as they pass 
along the streets. One shall never see them look pleasant, 
nor hear them sing a merry song, as others occasionally do 
with innocence. I hate that religion which makes people 
■ melancholy." 

Infidelis. People greatly betray their own ignorance, 
when they assign the cause of melancholy to the religion 
of Jesus ; the end of which is to revive and comfort the 



^)IALOGUES 



melancholy sinner, whose heart is oppressed with a sense 
of guilt and defilement. To revive the spirit of the con- 
trite, to bind up the broken-hearted, and to make the lame 
leap for joy, because they obtain the prey. Nor do those 
revilers of religion consider that they themselves, by their 
contempt of Christianity, do all they can to excite the grief 
of the sincere Christian, who cannot see his fellow-sinners 
walking jocosely in the paths of perdition, without dropping 
over them a tear of commiseration. 

DiscoRDANS. No, they never think of the real cause, but 
with a disdainful sneer continue to say, " See how they 
melt in sorrow ; hark how they sigh and groan, whilst their 
artful parson tells them an horrible story about death and 
judgment, heaven and hell, salvation and damnation, with I ^ 
know not what. They are driven out of their senses with 
such terrible doctrine. Who would thus subject his con- 
science to the pedantry of those enthusiastic bigots, their , 
uncharitable parsons ?" 

Fastosus. The fashionable part of the world hate to 
think of death or judgment, because the very thought 
would deprive their beloved pleasures of all their imaginary 
sweetness. 

Discord ANS. That is just the case, sir; for another of 
my friends says of the above people, " These ways, which 
their parsons teach them, are enough to drive a man out of 
his senses. What man of spirit could endure restraint from 
all manner of pleasure 1 According to them, one must not 
so much as play at cards, spend a cheerful evening at the* 
tavern, nor so much as take a Sunday's airing. Play-houses,, 
balls, and assemblies, must all be laid aside. And pray hov\r 
is our time to be spent? Read the Bible, truly, the most 
tiresome of books ; pray the one half of their time, and, for 
aught I know, hear sermons the other half of it What per- 
son of any taste could bear to be bound to the observance 
of such measures'? Let them read the Bible who will; 
give me a good play or novel. I will have none of their re- 
ligion, not I." 

Infidelis. It is true, plays and novels are light reading, 
and well suited to the taste of people abandoned to dissipa- 
tion. Nevertheless, even people of fashion may, if they 
please, reflect, that reading the scriptures, praying, and hear- 



OF DEVILS. 205 

ing sermons, are subjects unfit for their ridicule ; though, 
hy the way, 1 do ail I can to promote this irreligion. 

Fastosus. And as for me, I hold it good we visit our re- 
spective divisions, to see that the works of darkness be not 
neglected ; and that we meet here at the usual time. 



DIALOGUE XV. 

ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT. 

Privy to their appointment, I watched in my solitary re- 
treat, impatient for the return of the black fraternity, whom 
I always found extremely punctual among themselves, and 
observant of every appointment, unless some very urgent 
business demanded their presence elsewhere. At the hour 
appointed they arrived at the place of rendezvous, and hav- 
ing seated themselves on their respective thrones, the con- 
versation was opened by 

Fastosus. I have been thinking of the stupidity and ig- 
norance of mankind, exhibited in our last interview, and 
cannot but wonder, however dark and blind, they do not see 
that the very people whom they censure as enemies to ho- 
liness, because they oppose salvation by works, are the same 
identical persons who are said to be melancholy with being 
righteous overmuch. Reason, even unassisted, might easily 
discover the palpable absurdity, and for the future avoid a 
contradiction so glaring. I would have my slaves consistent 
with themselves, seeing I have given them the name of ra- 
tionalists. But error will always be inconsistent. However, 
Discordans, we will leave the blind sons of infidelity to hug 
themselves in their fancied rationality, and attend to the re- 
mainder of your story. 

Discordans. My sire, I am all obedience to him who 
alone could give me being ; and to resume the thread of my 
story, would observe, That, strange as it may seem, I do, by 
the help of these amazing glasses, make one evangelical 
minister quarrel with another, and that merely because they 
do not understand each other's manner of expression. One 
man, for instance, will have it that Immanuel obtained his 

S 



206 



DIALOGUES 



personality by eternal generation ; another will have it to be 
by divine filiation ; and another still is content to believe 
him to be the only begotten of the Father, without attenapt- 
ing to explain how, or in what sense he is begotten or fili- 
ated. All of those three are firm in the belief of Imman- 
uel's sonship, his Deity, and mediatorial capacity, as well as 
every doctrine of faith. And 5^et, strange as it may seem, 
those very men shall be so prejudiced against one another, 
that they cannot comfortably have fellowship together ; but 
may even prove injurious to each other's usefulness. And 
it may perhaps be very difficult to determine which of the 
three discovers most of a gospel spirit. Every one is in the 
right, and infallibly assured that the other two ought to 
come into his opinion. 

It is the very same with respect to diversity of gifts. 
One is led, in a peculiar manner, into the doctrines of faith, 
well able to state, define and defend them against opposi- 
tion. Another is widely led about in the wilderness of 
temptation and affliction, by which he obtains peculiar tal- 
ents in comforting the distressed, and pouring oil into the 
bleeding wounds of broken hearts. And a third is kept on 
the mount of enjoyment: his heart is kept warm by a sense 
of interest ; by which enjoyment he is active and lively in 
the work, a zealous promoter of practical godliness. All of 
which gifts seem to be essentially necessary to a gospel 
minister, and are all by the same spirit. And yet, would 
you think it, these very men shall treat one another as un- 
sound in the faith, in one sense or other ] The first is deem- 
ed a dead, dull, and useless preacher, whilst, at the same 
time, he is effectually stopping the mouths of gainsayers. 
The second, it is feared, loves to be peculiar, and verges a 
little towards Antinomianism, notwithstanding many a 
feeble knee is strengthened by his ministry. And the third 
is a rambling inconsistent preacher, notwithstanding, by his 
instrumentality, many are brought to a sense of their sin 
and danger. 

These quarrels are of g-reat use to our government, as 
they fail not to reproach Christianity, stumble the weak be- 
liever, and grieve all good men. But this is not all. You 
know that two men may have the self-same sentiments in 
religion, and yet one shall choose to express himself in this 
manner, and another in that, which difference of expression 



OF DEVILS. 



207 



only may be attended with very serious consequences, if 
candor is not present on the occasion. This was the case 
with Trebonius and Theodorus. Theodorus heard Trebonius 
preach, on a particular occasion, found himself offended 
with some of his expressions, and thought it his duty to 
make the preacher acquainted with it as soon as possible. 
But as Trebonius has too good an opinion of his own attain- 
ments, easily to retract a saying, he vindicated not only the 
ddctrme, but the mode of expression. Theodorus was now 
more than ever persuaded, that Trebonius was unsound in 
the faith, and was not satisfied with verbally defending the 
truths of the gospel, that is, his own sentiments, but com- 
menced a paper war with Trebonius. His apology for this 
step was indeed artful, for he lugged in both Christ and re- 
ligion into partnership with him, and under their authority, 
or pretended authority, he did what he could to impeach 
the orthodoxy, and m.ar the usefulness, of Trebonius. 

When Trebonius read the performance, he found himself 
aggrieved, and something within him being deeply wound- 
ed, he resolved on retaliation. To work he goes : First es- 
tablishes his personal orthodoxy, which he also called the 
gospel of Christ; then vindicated his own proceedings, 
which, by an happy turn of thought, he also linked with 
the honor of religion. Though the truth is, neither the 
gospel of Christ nor the honor of religion had any concern 
at all in the squabble. Hovvever, having first set himself 
and his doctrine in a respectable point of view, he proceed- 
ed diligently to search out and expose every blemish in the 
performance, and in the end did as much for his brother as 
he bafore had done for him. Thus those two champions for 
the gospel, that is for their own honor, went on exposing to 
the public, all they were acquainted with of each other's 
weaknesses and folly ; never once suspecting that by so do- 
ing each was exposing his own want of wisdom, and a true 
Christian spirit. Meanwhile, the friends of both were ex- 
ceedingly concerned, and in vain studied a reconciliation 
between them. But O what pleasure did it afford our socie- 
ty! And how did Ambitiosus and me, and other jocular 
devils, laugh at their folly and childishness ! From sources 
of no greater importance than thisj I assure you, most of 
the quarrels amongst professors arise. But when the con- 
tention is once begun, it is hard to say where it will end. 



208 



DIALOGUES 



By these means we get the affections of Christians divided 
one from another, and instead of being mutual helpers of 
each other, as the Almighty designed them, we make thena 
mutual hindrances and burthens ; so that, though we can- 
not indeed destroy them as we would, we disturb and dis- 
tract to an amazing degree. 

Fastosus. My son, you would have had, comparatively, 
little advantage over these same people but for my inven- 
tion of school divinity. That is the great engine of the 
devil Discordans. But for school-divinity, you might even 
have retired to hell, or contented yourself with doing busi- 
ness among the laity, or in the unconverted world ; for if 
the professors of religion were content with what is writ- 
ten in the scripture, and chose, as much as possible, to ex- 
press themselves in Bible language ; there would be such 
a likeness in expression, as well as sentiment, that very 
probably you would find little to do amongst them. 

Infidelis. I doubt it not, sir. Notwithstanding, I must 
assure you, my kingdom has suffered greatly by^controversy. 
For nothing has a more direct tendency to inform the mind 
than well-managed controversy. But when it springs from 
blind prejudice, and is carried on in a party spirit, it has a 
wonderful tendency to strengthen my interest ; especially 
if the contending parties mutually agree to expose each 
other as much as possible, as in the late squabble between 
Parson Horne and Alderman Wilkes ; and which is, for the 
most part, the practice of polemic divines. Those two im- 
portant gentlemen, the parson and patriot, gave as much 
pleasure to the court party, by flinging rogue and atheist at 
each other, with so much patriotic zeal, as some divines, in 
their polemic writings, have given the devil, by throwing 
heretic, Arminian, Calvinist, Antinomian, &c. in each 
other's faces. Few divines can dispute without calling 
names. 

Discordans. I have before now stirred up a spirit of 
jealousy between a minister and his people, and between 
one minister and another, in a manner inexpressibly mas- 
terly. For example, about a century ago, the accurate Ca- 
millus preached an excellent sermon at Potheina, which was 
heard by several of the people to whom Junius was pastor ; 
and they, being greatly affected with the seasonableness of 
the subjectj and the practical manner in which it was handled, 



OF DEVILS. 



209 



invited Camillus to visit them, and preach in Junins's pulpit, 
not doubting but it would be altogether agreeable to their 
beloved pastor. Full of the sermon, when they came home, 
they could not help making Junius partaker of their plea- 
sure. They expatiated largely upon the excellency of his 
method, the fertility of his illustration, and the propriety of 
his application ; all of which they did not doubt but Junius 
would admire as much as themselves. . But this was not 
precisely the case. Junius could not help being sensibly 
affected with wdiat he had heard ; but prudence forbid him 
to deny Camillus his pulpit. 

When retired, and reflecting on what had passed, he 
strongly suspected that his own honor was injured, by his 
people's high encomiums on Carnillus's sermon. " My peo- 
ple, said he, allege they never heard such an excellent ser- 
mon as that which Camillus preached. It is something 
strange, that this one sermon should affect them more than 
all my seven years' preaching among them. I never heard 
them say half so much about any sermon of mine. It shows 
a great want of affection and respect to me, as their own 
minister, I conceive : and they shaJl hear of it at a time 
convenient." 

Fastosus. With Junius's leave, I think he discovers a 
love of praise, which is by no means the offspring of an 
humble spn it. He would rather be flattered, than his peo- 
ple should be silent in his commendation. But the judicious 
seldom think it prudent to say much in praise of any person 
to his face, how well soever they may be aflected towards 
him ; and that for two very good reason. — 1. Such com- 
mendation has not a little the appearance of flattery, hovv'- 
ever sincere it may be in the party who bestows it. 2. There 
are but few who are able to bear much commendation, with- 
out sustaining damage by it. A man must be led deeply 
into an acquaintance with his own nothingness and insuffi- 
ciency, before he can bear to be praised and caressed.* 



* It is a very common thin?, in iiospel churches, that if they have a 
member of more usefulness than others, they exalt and extol him above 
his measure ; so that he becomes elated Vvith self-conceit, and in the 
issiiv?, when he cannot carry every point his own way, he turns against 
his former caressers, and becomes a scourge of the communit^^ In this 
the righteous judsrment of God is manifest, who will have all men to 
appear in their native nothingness and emptiness, unworthy of the trust 
and dependence cf one another. 

S2 



210 



DIALOGUES 



Infidelis. That is true, brother ; and yet people may err 
even on that headj and be cautious overmuch ; for fear of 
puffing" him up by unseasonable commendation, may depress 
the spirits of their minister, by withholding from him that 
countenance and encouragement, w^hich his spirit and cir- 
cumstances require. 

People are, in all things, given to extremes ; and either 
a minister is caressed and almost adored as an unparalleled 
person, or he has little or no notice taken of him. I remem- 
ber a remarkable instance of this in the last century. There 
v^^as an independent church, who, having a minister of a 
lively address and sound doctrine, one who bid fair for great 
usefulness among them ; yet a lineal descendant of the great 
Diotrephes, who loved to have the pre-eminence ; and one 
who chose to direct them in all the concerns of life, in their 
families, in their business, as well as in the church. To his 
government they yielded themselves implicitly, and almost 
adored the ground upon which he trode. With caresses and 
favors they loaded him, until they had raised him to the very 
height of self-sufficiency and importance ; from which they 
themselves at last assisted to cast him down ; and the con- 
tempt they poured upon him, pretty nearly equalled their 
former caresses. After him they had another, of an almost 
contrary disposition. He had but a very mean opinion of 
his own abilities, either for preaching or governing. He had 
such constant acquaintance with the power of his own cor- 
ruptions, that he was commonly low and depressed in spirit. 
He never assumed any superiority over even the meanest 
member, firmly believing himself to be the vilest and most 
unworthy sinner of the whole community: he stood in need 
of all encouragement possible, in order to hearten him for 
his work. Yet the same people, who had destroyed the for- 
mer with unseasonable kindness, suffered the latter to drag 
on heavily all his days, so that from them he seldom or never 
heard of his word having been made useful. And I suppose 
he must have sunk under his discouragements, if strangers, 
w^ho afterwards came into the church, had not been more 
free with him in discovering some degree of affectionate re- 
gard. Different spirits will require different usage, in order 
to preserve their usefulness : what was death to the former 
of those ministers, would have been life and vigor to the 
latter ; and what so exceedingly weakened the hands of the 



OF DSViLS. 



211 



latter, would in all probability have been the preservatioa 
of the former. But we forget Parson Junius, cousin. 

DiscoRDAKS. Sir, Junius W'ould have his own humor; 
and, accordingly, v/hen the time came that Camillus made 
his visit, any person attentive to Junius's behavior, might 
easily find that his friend's room w^ould, to him, have been 
more agreeable than his company, notwithstanding, for de- 
cency's sake, he forced himself to carry it to him v\^ith some 
degree of seeming civility : I say seeming, for even Chris- 
tian people have not as yet learned to be exactly, on all oc- 
casions, what they seem. Bat Camillus is a sagacious man, 
and soon perceived Junius's coldness, through all his formal 
civility and seeming deference. He began to question with 
himself from whence this coldness mnght have proceeded 1 
In what he might have given offence 1 But never dreams 
that jealousy is at the bottom. Is he not offended v/ith my 
doctrine ] said he to himself What can be the meaning 
of this distant carriage of his 1 What have I done or said 
that might give him umbrage] So Camillas reasoned, but 
hit not upon the real cause. And as Camillus is somewhat 
fond of his own sentiments, though a man inferior to few 
who are accounted good and religious, he could not help 
being in doubt about the orthodoxy of his friend. By these 
means, happily invented by me, this well-designed visit, in- 
stead of answering the valuable ends of promoting religious 
friendship, rather tended, by my intervention, to alienate 
their affections from each other. 

Junius would still have his own humor, and from that day 
forward discovered a shyness to those who seemed most de- 
lighted with Camillas; and when occasion offered, he did 
not spare bestowing on them, w^hat is called a dry rub. 

This was not all ; for Junius could not leave his prejudice 
behind him when he w^ent to the pulpit, where he adapted 
his discourses accordingly. On the other hand, his people 
could easily see he w^as not in his usual spirit ; and they 
concluded that they had given him no just cause of offence. 

Meanwhile, both parties mutually watched each other's 
words and deportment. If Junius happened to speak any 
- thing harsh, either from the pulpit or in common conversa- 
tion, it was said to proceed from a bad spirit. On the other 
; hand, if any of them happened to object to any thing spoken 
by him, he immediately concluded, either that his people 



212 



DIALOGUES 



were prejudiced against him, or did not love sound doctrine; 
for he had not a doubt of the soundness and truth of his own 
doctrine. And so they went on, until, in the issue, there was 
a final separation. Behold, gentlemen, how great a fire a 
little spark of my nature kindleth. Every well-wisher to the 
Beelzebubian government must acknowledge, that the devil 
Discordans merits much applause. 

Fastosus. I speak for the rest, my son, and own that your 
usefulness is of great extent. I persuade myself your royal 
grandfather will well reward you, by giving you eternal 
duration among the people of the nether regions ; for cer- 
tainly your achievements merit the greatest esteem. Why, 
my son, you make the Nazarenes weak as other men. 

Discordans. After all, I assure you, at certain times, I 
have hard work of it. I mean when Mr. Submission, my 
avowed enemy, and me, happen to meet. This Submission 
is one of Immanuers own children, a very great peace-maker, 
therefore his business is directly opposite to mine ; and al- 
though I hate him, I must say, he is one of the meekest per- 
sons upon earth. Never is he known to quarrel with any 
person, except myself And I confess, that m every scuffle 
with him hitherto, I have had the worst of it ; but I thank 
my stars, it is very seldom I meet with him. When we do 
meet, meek as he is, I am quite nonplussed, and am obliged 
either to flee, which I abhor, or to fall before him, which is 
yet a greater mortification to a spirit so noble as I am. 

Infidelis. So then, cousin, I perceive you are as ill put 
to it when you meet with Submission, as I am when I en- 
counter his elder brother Fides. Fides is a warrior with 
whom I have maintained a very long, though not doubtful 
war ; not doubtful, because I am worsted as sure as ever I 
enter the lists with him. With great facility I can overturn 
the power of every other heavenly chieftain ; but this fellow, 
this same Fides, islmmanuel's champion, and has performed 
the most unparalleled achievem.ents; such achievements as 
never were performed by any hero besides himself He hath 
subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, 
stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the violence of fi.re, 
escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness hath made 
people strong, causing even the fainting to wax valiant in 
fight, turning to flight the armies of the aliens. He hath 
given to women their dead children again, sustained others 



OF DEVILS. 



213 



under the most cruel tortures, in such a manner, that they 
would not accept of deliverance ; gave a good report of the 
promised land, to those ancient worthies, w^ho walked about 
in sheep skins and goat skins, destitute, afflicted, and tor- 
mented, of whom, notwithstanding they lodged in dens and 
caves of the earth, the world itself was undeserving. 

These are a specimen of his achievements. But great and 
heroic as he is, he finds that I also am of noble deeds ; a 
spirit not easily . rendered inactive, and more difficult still 
entirely to subdue. Although he has the promise of the 
most complete victory in the end, I put him to exert his ut- 
most ; for when, to appearance, I am dead as a pebble, and 
Fides has the sole pre-eminence in the soul of man, I play 
Reynard with him, and feign myself dead, in order to escape 
the vengeance of his arm. 

In time he finds out my deceit ; for I watch the opportu- 
nity when he is in the very height of a paroxysm, and can 
scarcely breathe. He is exceedingly troubled with fits, 
which will sometimes hold him for a long time together, and 
in which you would take him to be w^holly dead. Then I 
take the advantage, and rise upon him with all my powders, 
and beat and bruise him, until life begins to return, which is 
not always of a sudden. But when he feels the weight of 
my arm, and the smart of the wounds which I inflict on him, 
his spirit returns with renewed vigor ; he unlocks the maga- 
zines of grace, and brings forth such implements of war as 
I am not able to stand against ; so that before he is well 
out of his fit he is as strong as ever. At other times he is 
a long while before he is freed from the effects of his fits ; 
weakness, indisposition and languor, hang upon him for many 
months ; at which time he receives no mercy at the hand of 
Infidelis. 

This fellow is of the most amazing constitution ; for 
whereas, on one hand, idleness never fails to throw him into 
a lethargy, so on the other, hard labor, severe conflicts, and 
cruel buffetings, never fail to make him strong and vigorous ; 
and what is very remarkable in itself, but very unlucky for 
me, is that the more he is beaten and bruised, the stronger 
he grows ; and these fits, in which you would take him to 
be just a-dying, it is said, only tend to make him the more 
robust and lively ; which is the reason that, although I fire- 



214 



DIALOGUES 



quently put him to great pain, I am always discomfited in 
the issue. 

However, gentle friends, you must allow, when circum- 
stances are considered, my valor will at least equal, if not 
prove superior to, that of Fides. He fights under a certain 
assurance of victory, and knows, of a truth, that in the end 
he shall be more than conqueror ; I as well know that I 
shall be discomfited, which v/ould dishearten any besides my- 
self Yet, notwithstanding the discouragement, I give him 
many a vigorous turn for it ere I desist, and foully trip up 
his heels oftener than thrice. Even when I have him down, 
sprawling and gasping for life, I am conscious he will afterward 
renew his strength, and give me a most severe drubbing ; and, 
that his victorious hand shall, in the end, put a period to the 
days of great Infidelis. Yet this noble principle of royal 
malice prompts me on, and I will not yield an hair's breadth 
whilst life endures. O the fearful combats I could relate, 
which I have had with this heavenly champion, this same 
Fides ! 

Fastosus. We shall be glad to hear of them, my brother, 
at another time ; but at present, if agreeable, I should like 
you to resume the story, part of which we have already had, 
respecting the progress of your kingdom. 

Infidelis. You have already heard how agreeable to his 
holiness my instructions were, as also of the laws by which 
the whole system of religion was inverted, and how the 
pious priest had invested himself with the perfections of 
Deity. I knew that the introduct"on of this new Christianity 
might be attended with some difficulty, therefore advised 
his holiness, the father of the world, to deify some others as 
well as himself; but, at the sam.e time, lest his supremacy 
should be in any wise infringed, to take care that none should 
be deified until after their death, and that only with an in- 
ferior rank of godship. He took my advice, canonized a 
vast number under the title of saints, and ordained masses 
to be said to them out of his own newly composed Bible : 
for the old Bible, in use among primitive Christians, having 
its laws so contrary to those of the pope, was, by his authori- 
ty, made null and void ; and Rome, once the mistress of the 
world, became the mother of harlots ; once more the seat 
of paganism. But, for distinction's sake, we call the latter 



OF DEVILS. 



215 



Christian-pagans; because they exercise all their villany 
under the specious show of Christianity. 

In order to support the Christian pantheon worship, slaugh- 
ter-houses were built, and called holy inquisitions ; where 
every one who was known to deny the supremacy and infal- 
libility of his holiness the pope, or so much as harbor a sus- 
picion concerning the papal faith, was treated with as little 
mercy as if he had been in hell. By these means, people 
were kept hi the most dreadful av/e ; so that, if any man 
happened to be intelligent enough to see through the cheat, 
he was obliged to keep his mind to himself ; well knowing, 
that one word spoken against the lucrative faith of the priests 
would have insured his certain death, by m.eaDs the most 
barbarous and cruel. By this amazing subtility of priestcraft, 
with the utmost security they carried on their villany, under 
the mask of sanctity, for many centuries, and all Europe 
trembled at the indignation of the priesthood. For by 
means of my brother's medals, and titles of ecclesiastical 
dignity, together with my blinding influence, the various 
orders of reverend fathers clave as fast to his holiness, as 
scales to one another on tlie im.penetrable back of leviathan. 

Yet, terrible as the priesthood were, they could not totally 
prevent the light of the gospel shining, less or more, in some 
parts of Christendom, especially in Britain ; where Wickliffe 
and his disciples gave their reverences no small uneasi' 
ness ; for which they poured vengeance upon his bones forty 
years after his demise. This same scripture light, kindled 
in England by Wicklilfe's ministry, spread itself to the con- 
tinent, where first John Huss and Jerome of Prague galled 
the sides of popish prelates : for Vv^hich the very pious coun- 
cil of Constance, first recommended them to the care of the 
devil by excommunication, and then, in the nam^e of the 
God of mercy, condemned them to be burned to death for 
believing the Bible. It is amazing to think, with what dex- 
terity they have lugged in the name of the Almighty, to 
sanctify their murders on all occasions. 

x\bout a century after this, a very strict inquiry after truth 
began, by the instrumentality of John Calvin and Martin 
Luther, two avowed enemies to popish wickedness. This 
revival of religion was very alarming to the priests of Rome, 
and very injurious to my government. His infallible holi- 
ness, instigated by the devil Crudelis, voted their immediate 



216 



DIALOGUES 



destruction, by fire and fagot, by poison, assassination, or 
any way ; for there is nothing dreaded by this same vicar 
of Christ, so much as the spreading of gospel knowledge. 

These measures, however, I withstood ; having from past 
experience found, that coercive measures are by no means 
the most likely to reduce professors of religion to the obe- 
dience of infidelity ; and I thought it better to send the 
devil Discordans to visit them, with instructions to make 
them quarrel about the forms of religion ; this I took to be 
the most likely method to invalidate the testimony of both, 
and to baffle and confound their followers. This was done, 
and they jarred exceedingly about circumstantials ; but do 
what we would, they spake of the doctrines which are ab- 
solutely necessary to salvation, with perfect uniformity, 
which greatly frustrated our dark designs ; and this fire of 
reformation so lately fanned, by degrees spread itself on the 
continent, and in Great Britain, where it arose in the days 
of Wickliffe. 

The pope and me, being loth to give up the government 
we had always been accustomed to have in these nations, 
did what we could to stifle the reformation : but, alas ! it 
went on with rapidity in the days of Edward, and might 
have made greater advances than it has ever yet done, if, 
luckily for his holiness and me, that prince had not been 
taken away in early life. Mary, being a princess just fitted 
to our turn, no sooner ascended the throne, than I flew to 
England, accompanied by the devil Crudelis, resolving, at 
all events, to crush with oppression all who rebelled against 
me and his holiness. To this salutary purpose, were trans- 
ported from the pope's arsenal abundance of hempen cord, 
and fagots beyond number, that we might oblige the peo- 
ple to renounce Jesus Christ, and worship his Romish infal- 
libility. 

There were, in those days, two lusty bishops, right rev- 
erend tyrants in the devil, Bonner of London, and Gardiner 
of Winchester, who, hearing of our arrival, came, equipped 
in their prelatic robes, to do us greeting, and bid us wel- 
come to the British shore. This brace of right reverend 
prelates, we appointed prime inquisitors in matters of faith, 
and principal agents of our intended cruelty. Indeed none 
that ever sustained the office of priest, ever were more trusty 



OF DEVILS.^ 



217 



friends to the government of Rome and hell, than v/ere 
those worthy prelates. 

The vigilant devil Crudelis ceased not, day or night, from 
persecuting the saints, so that many of the ringleaders of 
the sect of the Nazarenes were apprehended, tried, con 
demned, and tormented to death, at a stake ; such as arch 
bishop Cranmer, bishops Hooper, Latimer, Ridley, &c. But 
as it happened in former persecutions, so it fell out in this, 
the ashes of burned saints proved such fertilizing manure 
to the church, that, in defiance both of hell and the pope, 
the detested Nazarenes became by far more numerous. 
Wherefore, if our friend Mary, of zealous and scarlet mem- 
ory, had not been summoned hence to receive her reward, 
the poor devil Crudelis must necessarily have desisted, 
merely from incessant and unsuccessful fatigue, and the 
Nazarenes would have obtained rest solely from our despe- 
ration. 

Bat when Immanuel beheld such havoc made of his church, 
and so many places bathed with sanctified blood, his WTatli 
took the alarm; in his judgment, he cut down the zealous 
queen and her two trusty bishops, and raised queen Betsy 
to the throne of England. Now the svrord of persecution 
was wrested from the hands of the papists, and the good 
people of the church of England did tor the Puritans what 
the zealous papists had done for them, during the reign of 
queen Mary- This same queen Ehzabeth was a great zealot 
for high church, and a vigorous nurse of Episcopacy ; but 
the Brownists, and other dissenters, felt the full w^eight of 
her regal vengeance. I happily prevailed, unexpectedly, 
with the divines of the established church, to retain the 
more refined part of the popish system ; which those men 
who were for a more thorough reformation, both in doctrine 
and discipline, could not comply with ; and, for their non- 
compliance, we taught them that the arm of Episcopacy is 
every whit as heavy as that of popery, when it is exerted 
for the good of the church. And, for my own part, I prompt- 
ed their reverences to coercive measures, being very appre- 
hensive that the reformation might have been carried on 
farther than it really was. 

AvARO. And I assure you, I myself was not idle in those 
days, but played my game into the hands of great Infidelis. 
I met their lordships the prelates, (I shall never forget it) 
T 



218 



DIALOGUES 



in flill convocation, and reasoned with them on the intended 
reformation, and unto my arguments they lent a willing 
and attentive ear. \¥eii, gentlemen," said I, " do you in- 
tend to come to a thorough reformation, then, and reduce 
Christianity to its primitive simplicity] Have you consid- 
ered, gentlemen, that in so doing you must lose your princely 
revenues, and descend to a level with plain Peter, Paul, and 
Barnabas, which must needs be a very mortifying step to 
some of you 1 Recollect, I pra.y you, how long your present 
profits and dignities have been enjoyed by your predeces- 
sors in your several sees. Long before Christianity was 
known in Britain, even beyond the ken of history, this na- 
tion was divided into the several bishoprics and archbish- 
oprics by you enjoyed. Through all the ages of popery, 
the same division of the nation into archSaminries and 
flaminries, continued under their present denominations; 
and will you discover such a degree of mortification, as to 
give up the profits annexed to your ecclesiastical dignities ] 
That were to show, indeed, that Protestant bishops have 
less providence than Pagan fiamins. Yet, if you are deter- 
mined to purge your religion from every relic of popery, 
your profits, gentlemen, most be parted with, your revenaes 
must be enjoyed no more ; and how will this be relished by 
you V By such sensible and seasonable remonstrances, I 
won greatly upon the m^inds of their lordships ; and, in the 
issue, it was resolved, that rather than part with their dig- 
nities and revenues, they should submit to many things, 
which have no foundation in scripture. 

Fastosus. You bring to my mind, cousin Avaro, the re- 
ception I met with by the dignitaries of the ancient church, 
on the distribution of the forementioned medals. I went, 
attired in my robes of state, to deliver one of my arch-epis- 
copalian medals to a certain priest, whom I instantly cre- 
ated " His grace and most reverend." He mumbled over 
to himself several times, " miost reverend, his grace," view- 
ing the medal with the closest attention. It is, it is, said 
he, a very soft and agreeable mode of address. Most rev- 
erend ; his grace. Yes, my lord, said I, it is very musical, 
and what I myself only am capable of composing. A mode 
of address very becoming the dignity of an archbishop. 
Humble preachers, such as Peter, Paul, Timothy, and Titus, 
might be very well contented, without being their graces 



OF DEVILS. 



211) 



and most reverend ; for tliey were not, as you are, courtiers, 
clothed in soft raiment. But for a spiritual courtier, for tlie 
primate of a province, to prostitute his name to vulgar 
mouths, would be highly unbecoming, v/ould greatly eclipse 
the honors of your elevated station. " But, worthy sir, re- 
turned he, you know this is a very censorious world in which 
we live, and some people may be wicked enough to sup- 
pose, that such a title as, his grace, does not so well become 
a man whose breath is in his nostrils, and I may be censured 
as ambitious." I hope, my lord, replied I, you will not medi- 
tate too much on the gloomy subject of mortality, or tliat 
will make your dignity cumbersome, indeed. Honors fade, 
sir, on the prospect of the grave. As to your being cen- 
sured, as proud and ambitious, I hold the contrary ; it will 
be deemed essential to your higli estate, and the use of the 
Bible being prohibited, the laity will not know^ but your or- 
der is of apostolical institution. Besides, there is my lord 
duke enjoys the same title of address with your grace ; so 
that, instead of being censured as proud and antichristian, 
all ranks of people vAll revere you the m.ore for it ; especi- 
ally, as it v/ill make you a fit companion for princes. The 
nobility will consider you as their superior, inasmuch as 
a spiritual duke is superior to a temporal ; so that, in the 
church, your seat will be next to the cardinal's, and in the 
senate house, next to the prince himself The gentry will 
fawn upon j^ou, spaniel-like, in order to obtain preferment 
for younger sons, and the vulgar will adore you as a demi- 
god. 

T would farther advise you, to lay aside preaching to the 
vulgar race, and apply yourself wholly to the affairs of 
state ; unless called to it, may be, once in seven years, to 
preach to the king and his nobles. " Ay, replied the wor- 
thy prelate, but how shall I dispense with the obligations I 
am under, as a bishop, to meditate on these things, to give 
myself wholly to the ministry of the word and prayer ; yea, 
to be instant in preaching the word, in season and out of 
season ]" Oh, sir, replied I, you need be under no concern 
about that. " Surely, sir, that is the duty of a bishop," repli- 
ed he. Yes, very true, said I; the duty of bishops such as 
were in the apostles' days; such bishops as are appointed in 
the Nev7 Testament. But what has that to do with the dio- 
cesan bishop, or an archbisliop, of whom you yourself are 



220 



DIALOGUES 



the first. Thare were none of them, you know, m the apos- 
tles' days ; none appointed in the w^ord of God. And there- 
fore the laws which bind scriptural bishops to obedience, 
can have no manner of power over yon, as diocesans ; much 
less can a metropolitan, such a bishop as the apostles never 
thought of, be under any such injunctions. Surely your 
grace must know that a lord bishop, or a gracious metropo- 
litan, must have enougli to do without preaching the gospel. 
Yet if these things are not sufficient to remove the scruples 
of your mind, and you should still have a notion, that 
preaching is a duty incumbent on you, I can put you in a 
way to satisfy your conscience, without abating any thing 
of your greatness. 

"Pray, sir, be so kind," said he. May it please your 
grace, replied I, it is neither more nor less than to preach 
by proxy, as people plead their causes in a court of judica- 
ture. You know it is the same in elfect, whether you preach 
in person or by proxy, so that your numerous flock have 
preaching enough. 

Farther, with your grace's leave, I do not think it becom- 
ing your dignity, even to say prayers in your ovv^n family. 
How far beneath the character of such a spiritual dignita- 
ry, to be down on his knees amidst his servants, worshipping 
his maker ! Let me advise you, either to lay aside family 
worship altogether, or have it performed by a chaplain. 
This will have two very great advantages attending it. 1. 
It will save your grace a great deal of hard and unpleasant 
labor. And 2. It will make your grace's piety to be admired 
by the vulgar. Methinks I hear one say to another, " What 
a good man is my lord, the archbishop ! For although he is 
too 'high for saying prayers himself, or has got so much that 
he has no need to pray, he gives a good salary to Mr. Ho- 
neylip, duly to perform the offices of religion in his stead." 

All this while, the good archbishop continued absorbed in 
thought, and, av^^aking as from a trance, he said, with as- 
tonishment glowing on his countenance, *' Sir, you amaze 
me ! So pertinent your counsel, so persuasive your address ! 
You have more than half brought me over to your opinion, 
as .my future conduct will testify." 

Having succeeded, even beyond expectation, with his 
grace the archbishop, I waited in) mediately on all the dio" 



OF DEVir- 



221 



cesans, witliLa the pontifical jurisaiction. and took the most 
likely measures to bring them over to our interest. 

1. I persuaded them, as I had done the archbishop before 
them, that the worldly grandeur with which I and his holi- 
ness had invested them, was certainly too heavy a burthen 
for them, to be able to ascend the pulpit stairs, above once 
or twice a year ; and that even then it ought not to be to 
preach to an ordinary congregation. 

• 2. That they might discharge their duty, to the souls 
within their respective dioceses, by providing vicars to 
watch over them in their stead, in their several parishes or 
divisions, that they might freely spend their time either at 
the court of Rome, or at the courts of their several princes, 
without sustaining loss at home. 

DiscoRDANS. Why, sir, according to your account, the 
readiest way to stop the mouth of a noisy preacher, is to 
make a bishop of him. 

Infidelis. The only way in the world, cousin. Had the 
king of England given a bishopric to the noisy Whitfield, 
as he was advised to do by a certain nobleman, it is un- 
known what mischief might have been prevented. A bish- 
opric v/ould have done him more real injury, than if all the 
bishops in England had VvTitten against him. You remem- 
ber well how Dr. D d once threatened our ruin, and 

promised fair for doing a mischief to our government ; until 

our happy stars fixed him in a prebend's stal], and a r 1 

chaplainship ; since Vv^hich time he has been quiet enough, 
and lets people sleep on and take their rest securely. 

Fastosus. Having secured both orders of popish bishops, 
I took care to establish deans, abbots, monks, friars, vicars, 
chanters, prebendaries, canons, minor canons, &c. &c. 
From thence I proceeded to persuade the higher orders of 
clergy, to encourage plurality of livings, well knowing that 
if a country vicar could but procure a fat and fruitful iDene- 
fice, he would even imitate his betters, and preach as little 
as possible. I have' often, with great pleasure, observed, 
that if a benefice exceeded two hundred pounds per annum, 
the poor vicar who enjoys it, finds himself very unable to 
preach, and is therefore obliged to hire a journeym.an, to 
whom he leaves the bulk of his business. By these means, 
we got C!irates introduced into the church ; a set of gentle- 
men sold to slaverv and inured to novertv. not for want of 
T2 



222 



DIALOGUES 



parts and learning', nor always for want of piety, but for 
want of what is by far more necessary to preferment, a 
patron. A journeyman weaver, Avatcii-maker, or cabinet- 
maker, can afford a better table than many a oentleman, 
who laclis nothing" but a patron, to make him equal to the 
very first of bishops. 

Happily, it just answered our desire ; and it was not long 
before a sharp conflict between the vicars and curates en- 
sued. As it is not without a vein of drollery, I shall give 
you a sketch of it. There was a certain vicar, who having 
obtained a living of about 800Z. a year, called his curate to 
him one day, and thus addressed him : " Mr. Curate, I am 
now in a station which will admit but of little preachiug; I 
must therefore get you to take that part of the service 
principally upon yourself I am under a necessity of visit- 
ino' the neio'hborino- aentlemen, and assistino- them in their 
polite amusements, as has been the custom of my predeces- 
sors from time im.memorial ; so that little of my time can 
be devoted to preaching or praying, and less still to study 
and contemplation." Mr. Curate replied, " Indeed, sir, I am 
but a poor hireling, whose scanty allowance is no way ade- 
quate to labors so extensive. I am resolved, sir, to measure 
my services by my annual salary." The vicar's benefice be- 
ing sufficient to raise him above preaching, and the curate's 
allowance so small that he could not afford to preach much, 
it so fell out between vicar and curate, that the parishioners, 
could not obtain above twenty minutes' preaching weekly, 
in return for their tithes, many dues and offerings. This, 
you know, was greatly to our advantage. 

Another instance of altercation, between the vicar and 
curate I well remember, w^hich also was decided in our fa- 
vor. Hark you, Mr. Curate, said a certain vicar one da.y 
to his journeyman, I expect you shall take the care of all 
the souls within my parish, upon yourself ; as I have much 
business of a very different nature on my hands." "I take 
the care of them, sir, replied his curateship ; what have I 
to do with them I I shall take no care of them, I assure 
you." Weli, but Mr. Curate, said the vicar, I hired you 
on purpose that you should take the care of them, off from 
me/' "Indeed, sir, rejohied the cura^te, I Vv^ill not, I am re- 
s^olved ; do you think that, for the scanty allowance of 
twelve shillings per week, I will put my own soul in the 



OF DEVILS. 



228 



place of yoar parishioners ? No, sir, let him take the care 
of them, who is best paid for so doing." " Then, said the 
vicar, let my lord bishop take care of them, for he is better 
paid than either vicar or curate." By these means the par- 
ishioners may go to heaven or hell, as most suits their incli- 
nation, provided always the fees are punctually paid. 

Impiator. Well, father, I really think those curates were 
in the right ; for as they receive but journeyman's wages 
for doing the drudgery of the business, it is unreasonable to 
desire any more than journeyman's labor from them. If 
they perform the most servile parts of the office, for their 
scanty allowance, it seems but m.eet the vicars, who receive 
the far greatest part of the profits, should take the burthen 
of souls upon themselves. If I am not greatly mistaken, the 
far greater part of mankind, the vicars and high-priests 
alone excepted, are of the same opinion with me and the 
curate. Hovv^ever, that was all in the days of popery, and 
the church of England hath since been blessed with a great 
reformation. 

Infidelis. It has so, Impiator, and been defiTrmed again, 
almost far enough. Some time after the reformation, in- 
deed, the gospel was preached almost everywhere in Eng- 
land, which made me apprehend the most dreadful conse- 
quences, and made me exert my utmost influence, in order 
to reduce the clergy to obedience. 

This im.portant point was in a great measure carried, by 
fixing their attention ijiordinately upon tradition, and kind- 
ling relentings in the bosom of many a gownsm.an, towards 
the old scarlet lady, whose government had been rejected. 
So that, by degrees, I drew them to take counsel, as for- 
merly, from the wise Inndelis ; one particular instance of 
which I shall give you, if you think it will not too long de- 
tain you from necessary business. 

Fastosus. That is well thought of, brother. Idleness be- 
longs not to our fraternity ; I hold it good, therefore, that 
we adjourn to our usual time of meeting. 



224 



DIALOGUES 



DIALOGUE XVI. 

ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT. 

Fastosus. When we parted yesterday, you mentioned 
some particular instance of the clergy seeking to you for 
direction, brother; will it please you to relate it to us now] 

Infidelis. It is only a little confabulation I had with my 
good friend, parson Out-and-in. The case was this : I set 
out one morning for Rome, to remove some scruples which 
infested the mind of his holiness, the father of the world ; 
but, passing by parson Out-and-in's garden, I beheld the 
reverend gentleman in his morning gown and velvet cap, 
walking slow and pensive, to all appearance in a dejected 
manner. Charity bid me stop and relieve the thoughtful di- 
vine. At her command I stopped, and called : So ho, Mr. 
Out-and-in : how do you do 1 the good gentleman, awaking 
as from a trance, erected his body into a perpendicular pos- 
ture, pushed up the snout of his cap from over his eyes, and 
finding it was me who called, instantly replied, "O my 
good friend, Rationalis ! (for that is the name by which I 
am known by the clergy, of all denominations) am I so happy 
as to meet with you, in this so difficult season 1 I pray you, 
most honorable tutor, be pleased to stop and give me your 
advice." 

I went to him, and thus the old Levite began : " Most 
truly noble and intelligent sir, I, and my brethren, the 
genuine children of learning and science, have long been 
much grieved at the rapid progress of fanaticism, which now 
prevails amazingly over the people. So prevalent is it, sir, 
that fanatical preachers are more followed, more esteemed, 
than we, the votaries of almighty reason. In these days, 
sir, there are some, who, in a frantic manner, decry the no- 
ble powers of the human soul, which we esteem to be almost 
divine ; who preach salvation, by what they call the righte- 
ousness of Christ, contrary to the instructions, which we re- 
ceived from that illumination, which thou hast given us. 
We have long been studying how to suppress this fanaticism, 
arid to promote the more consistent doctrine of salvation by 
our own works, and the liberty and freedom of our own will, 



OF DEVILS. 



225 



to perform perfect righteousness. It is intolerable, sir, to 
hear men of virtue and piety, placed on a level with vile 
publicans and sinners, who know not the law, and are there- 
fore accursed. Impious in the highest degree, to suppose 
that the benevolent Deity wiii not rev/ard our good endeavors 
to please him, by working out our own salvation, w^ithout 
trusting in the righteousness of another." 

To be sure, said I, to gentlemen of virtue and goodness, 
it must be mortifying to submit to be levelled with those who 
work not, but believe in him who justifieth the ungodly. 
Very trying, indeed, to one's own self to be an hell-deserv- 
ing sinner, wheii your ov/n reason bears witness, that you 
deserve the inestimable blessings of everlasting happiness, 
for your own personal goodness. What man of virtue and 
mora] goodness, what gentleman of a clear head and good 
heart, like yourself, can bear to be told, that harlots and 
publicans shall enter the kingdom of heaven sooner than 
you] I wonder not, my worthy sir, that the preaching of 
salvation by the works of another, should be a stone of per- 
petual stumbling, and a rock of invincible offence to you. 
And this offence v/ill never be removed, until we can so 
manage it, that this same book, called scripture, is made to 
truckle to the more consistent dictates of human reason ; by 
which alone the authenticity of doctrine ought to be at- 
tested, independently of any records whatever, either an- 
cient or modern. 

I myself have beheld the preaching of the cross of Christ, 
with a great deal of uneasiness. But for seeing the self- 
righteous Jews break their bones by stumbling upon it, and 
the wise philosophic Grecians turning merry-andrews, and 
laughing at it as foolishness, I should certainly have sunk 
into despair ; because I was unhappy enough to see it prove 
both the power of God and the wisdom of God, to those Vv^ho 
felt themselves actually in a perishing condition. But my 
good Mr. Out-and-in, permit me to tell you, that whatever 
pain I endure on account of a preached gospel, 1 can do no- 
thing that will effectually prevent it, without the concur- 
rence of the clergy. By the way, let me not so much as 
hint any defection of the clergy. No, sir, I thank my aus- 
.picious stars, by far the greatest part of them are upon the 
right side of the question. There are but few, very few, 
who preach those enthusiastic doctrines, with which the ar- 



226 



DIAL0C4UES 



tides, homilies, and rubric are stuffed ; very few who con- 
cern themselves about what is, or what is not the doctrine 
of the Bible. 

But, to the matter of your troubles, sir, I apprehend they 
may be reduced to these two heads only ; to suppress the 
growth of fanaticism on the one hand, and secure to your- 
selves the patrimony of the church on the other. " These 
are all, returned he. If we can but accomplish these, we 
desire no more." Then, sir, if no more is aimed at, I shall 
put you in a way, by which you may accomplish them. 

Observe me then, my good friend Mr. Out-and-in, the 
first thing to be done, is, to draw as thick a veil as possible 
over the personal excellencies, grace, and righteousness of 
Immanuel ; for these, wherever they are preached, have a 
tendency to eclipse all human glory, and greatly to diminish 
the profits of the altar ; which, you know, are the principal 
things that ought to be advanced. The holy trade of priest- 
craft can never prosper, but in proportion to your departure 
from the doctrine of the cross. Yet, this must be done w^ith 
caution, lest the eyes of the people should be opened, and 
the propagation of your rational religion be prevented. The 
important question then is, " How you may retain the char- 
acter and authority of Christ's ambassadors, whilst, at the 
same time, you are laboring to extirpate the doctrine of sal- 
vation by his blood, from the rational world ]" as you cannot 
expect to be so much regarded by the people, if ever you 
lose your claim to ambassadorship. Of this, therefore, you 
must be very cautious, and by no means declare- yourselves 
avowed enemies to the gospel, in so many express words. 

No, sir, you must find out the most glorious names wliich 
possibly can be ascribed to the Son of God ; yet such names 
as' do not imply his personal divinity ; these Vv^ould spoil your 
scheme, and therefore must be rejected. For instance, you 
must not call him Immanuel, the mighty God, the everlast- 
ing Father, God manifest in the flesh, Jesus Christ yester- 
day, to-day and for ever the same ; Alpha and Omega, &.c. 
&c. These, and such like names, must absolutely be laid 
aside, for they make directly against the rational scheme. 
On the other hand, you must be equally careful not to speak 
slio'htly of his person, name, and authority, by barefacedly 
calling him, but a man, like yourselves, as Dr. Priestley has 
precipitately done ; and by so doing betrayed the cpuse of 



OF DEVILS. 



221 



rational religion into the hands of the orthodox, to be man- 
gled and tortured after the manner of that wicked Shaver. 
In short, you must consider, that the people are not all ra- 
tional alike ; and tlierefbre a downright denial of the God- 
head of Christ, may be attended with very serious conse- 
quences. Some people are firmly attached to the Athana- 
sian creed, merely out of deference to the judgment of their 
ancestors, and others are as tirmly attached to the scriptures, 
from jxn inward conviction of their divine propriety ; so that, 
without the greatest care, you may be baffled in j^our very 
first attempts to promulgate your rational religion. 

In short, sir, notwithstanding you believe him to be out a 
man like yourself, or at most but a dignified creature, you 
must of necessity, for fear of the populace, give liim a kind 
of suflragan Deity or deputed Godhead like that of Mars or 
Mercury, in the pagan theology. Your friend, Mr. Whis- 
ton, a man of deep mtelligence, has shown you what may 
be done in this way; do you, m.y good Mr. Out-and-in, imi- 
tate the same Homer-like minister.* You must never omit 
w^hen you speak of him, to use great and swelling Vv^ords 
of seeming respect, as if you had the most profound venera- 
tion for his person ; call him tlie only son of the most high 
God ; the first-born, and most exalted of creatures ; a being 
far above men and angels; under God, the great dispenser 
of all things, both in earth and heaven. Not a syllable of 
his measuring the seas in the hollow^ of his hand ; of his 
meting out heaven with a span ; of his comprehending the 
dust of the earth in a measure ; weighing the mountains in 
scales, and the hills in a balance; or of his taking up the 
isles as a very little thing. That is a description of Jesus, 
most adverse to what you would have thought to be rational 
religion, which considers him as no more than a man, like 
yourselves. It is good, therefore, that such descriptions 
should never be quoted. By keeping close to those appel- 
lations, which are proper to him, only as man and m.ediator, 
you will veil his real personal dignity ; and, in time, your 
audience will quite forget all their old orthodox notions, 
concerning the proper Deity of the Lord Jesus Christ, 



* Homer-like minister. Homer was a wonderful creator of gods and 
goddesses, and so was Mr. Whiston, from his own account of the Trinity, 
whirl! he laakes to cunsifst of one uncreateJ, and two created Gods. 



228 



DIALOG UEy 



wiiich at present are so very offensive to you and your 
brethren. 

When you happen to hear of any man, who is a zealous 
and diligent preacher of Christ crucified, as the only founda- 
tion of the sinner's hope, you must look to it that something- 
be speedily done, to prevent his success : for such a man 
is capable of being very injurious to us, and our rational 
religion. His followers will consider you as no better than 
hirelings, mercenary priests, and enemies to the gospel of 
salvation. Therefore you must, but always with the great- 
est art, attack his character. Stigmatize him with such 
names of reproach as you think will be most likely to take 
with the vulgar. However, you must beware of touching 
his moral character, for that will be like the body of 
Achilles, invulnerable even to malice itself His religious 
character, because less understood by the common people, 
will be more easily injured ; and is, therefore, the most 
proper object of your attacks. 

You may call him an enthusiast, which is a name under- 
stood by very few ; therefore the greatest part of the peo- 
ple will consider him as some outlandish monster, and 
avoid him, as they would shun the path of a crocodile. Or 
you may call him a methodist ; this also is a name well 
calculated to excite popular abhorrence, as you know many 
would rather choose to be papists than methodists. Or you 
may call him an anabaptist, or fanatic. In short, you may 
dress him in what names you think will most effectually 
stir up the people to bait him, as they would do a bull or 
a bear from the forest ; and so far as your influence goes, 
you may totally prevent his usefulness ; which, you know, 
will be a great service done to the devil, and to rational 
religion. 

But, my good Mr. Out-and-in, take care that you be 
not too barefaced in your slanders, as Doctor Priestley ha& 
been in his against the orthodox dissenters. His zeal foi 
rational religion is so furious, that it prompted him to rend 
the disguise, which ought by all means to have concealed 
his implacable hatred of the orthodox. This, however, he 
has thought proper to discover in such a manner, that his 
word, in a way of slander, will now scarcely be taken by 
anybody, so that even the rationals themselves are ashamed 
of his rashness. But you, my fi'iend, may avail yourself of 



OF DEVILS. 



229 



his miscarriage, and avoid the rock upon which he founder- 
ed under full sail, by considering that, amongst the laity 
there are always to be found a discerning few, whose pene- 
tration may be too keen for a flimsy disguise. Now, should 
your malice be detected, yonr very reproaches would bring 
him proselytes, as in the case of Dr. Trapp, of crabbed m. em- 
ery, and the late Mr. Whitfield. Therefore, let all your 
reproaches seem to flow rather from pity than malice. Do 
not fail to commend something of the good that is in him : 
this will be an excellent cloak, from under which you may 
with the greater freedom shoot your arrows of calumny. 
For example, when his name is m.entioned in company, you 
may say, " He is a good sort of man, I believe ; but I am 
sorry for him. Poor man, he hath imbibed sad enthusiastic 
principles. The poor, weak, well-meaning man, would do 
good if he could, I believe, but is sadly led away by metho- 
distical notions." Sir, there are a thousand ways of vending 
scandal, with seeming pity, which some people are perfect 
masters of : but your divines are too warm, and therefore 
their arrows fall to the ground before they inflict any 
wound at all. 

I have known an important minister, ere now, ruin the 
reputation of his neighbor, with less than ten words speak- 
ing and those too seemino-ly spoken in much pity. O, Sir, 
there requires great art in scandalizing to purpose. No- 
thing gives such a point to the arrow of scandal, as seeming 
concern for the welfare of the party whom you want to ruin. 
I could recommend you to certain gentlemen, in great esti- 
mation for religion and virtue, as the most accomplished in 
this necessary art, did not I know that you disdain to learn 
from any inferior to myself 

If you would invalidate the doctrine of imputed right- 
eousness, you must begin just here, and proceed in the fol- 
lowing manner. That it is a doctrine which must be 
brought into contempt, as you would wish to preserve the 
honor of the creature, is clear to a demonstration ; seeing, 
whenever a man is brought cordially to embrace it, his 
looks, however lofty before, are brought down, and he lies 
at the feet of Jesus, as a perishing and lost sinner ; which, 
^ you know, is inconsistent with the dignity of a philosopher, 
or a rational Christian. 

You must, my worthy Mr. Out-and-in, you must indeed, 
U 

I: 



230 



DIALOGUES 



declare that man, having received no damage at all by the 
fall of Adam, and coming into the world in perfect inno- 
nence, is capable of having a righteousness of his ovm, 
which will justify him before an infinitely holy God. " Ay, 
but Mr. Rationalis, said he, how shall I manage in this, see- 
ing there are so many plain passages of scripture, which 
contradict me ]" Do, my good friend ! You must not 
mind that, if you intend to be a rational preacher. You 
must show yourself a man, and leap over them, as many 
have done before you. Imitate the zealous Dr. Priestley, 
and like him tell your hearers, that the scriptures do not 
mean what they say.* What man of reason would regard 
a few adverse texts of scripture, when the dignity of human 
nature is the subject in question '? 

For your encouragement, permit me to assure you, that 
however adverse the scriptures may be to your rational 
doctrine, the populace will be very propitious. 

You can never please men so well as by clapping them 
on the shoulders, telling them that their hearts are good, 
that they need not doubt of getting safe to heaven, whether 
they believe in the Son of God or not. And I engage, sir, 
your auditory w^ill caress you, for the sake of your pleasing 
doctrine. 

As to the Holy Ghost, I would not have you absolutely 
refrain from mentioning him, and his assisting influence, 
because your people read of him in your church liturgy so 
very often. But be sure roundly to assert, that it is mere 
enthusiasm for a man to expect to receive the Holy Ghost, 
in these days ; and let them solve the difficulty, how the 
thoughts of a man's heart can be cleansed by the inspiration 
of the Holy Ghost, whom they cannot receive, as they shall 
find opportunity. It seems I proved as a kind of remem- 
brancer here, for he stopped me short and said : " Let me 
see-- — -I think I should remember something about the 

Holy Ghost somewhere Hum — If I mistake not, it was 

relating to the office of ordination." 

Yes, sir, said I, it was ; you only professed to my lord 
bishop, that you were moved by the Holy Ghost, to take 
upon you the office of a deacon. That was all, sir. He 
replied : " I believe it was some such thing. But pray, 



* Familiar illustration of certain texts, &c. 



or DEVILS, 



231 



sir, was it rational in nie so to do, seeing I did not then be- 
lieve that any man receives the moving influences of the 
Holy Ghost in these times V Sarely, said I, it was. You 
know, sir, no m.an can get a benefice without it in your 
way : and I pray you, Vvho would not do as much as that 
for a good living] Why should you have any scruple of 
conscience, seeing you have got some hundreds a year by 
it] I know many, very many, who did the same, sir, who 
can hardly procure thirty pounds per annum. On my 
word, you sold your conscience Vv'ell. But for those sons of 
science, they foolishly threw theirs away, vrithout the pros- 
pect of any comfortable return. I assure you, a journeyman 
weaver can afford a better table than many a clergyman of 
the rank of curate. 

Once more ; as the works of the Savior of mankind miust 
not be wholly omjitted ; should you be asked, What Jesus 
did for his people 1 you must ansvver, as it were, in a rap- 
ture : " O ! he hath done great things for us. He descended 
from the heavenly glories, and assumed our nature. He 
hath abrogated the severity of the old, and introduced a new 
and milder law ; lived agreeably to the precepts of it him- 
self, and when his instructions were finished, he confirmed 
•us in his ways, and sealed the truth of his doctrine with his 
own precious blood." Thus, my friend, you may by good 
management, if grace prevent not, deceive the very elect. 
Tears of thankfulness trickled down the old gentleman's 
beard ; he gave me most hearty thanks, and protested, that 
no instructions could be more agreeable to the dictates of 
his ov/n reason. 

Fastosus. I can tell you, brother, your advice was not in 
vain, but has been invariably followed, so that this rational 
religion is now very little injurious to our interest. 

Infidelis. It is very m.oderate, sir, and may well be tol- 
erated even by our governors themselves. It has not the 
least affinity with the doctrine of the cross ; which is justly 
the abhorrence of every partisan of ours, as will appear 
from the creed which I composed, and put into the hands 
of my friend Mr. Out-and-in ; which, if agreeable, I shall 
recite. 

Discord ANS. I pray you, sir, let us have the creed. It may 
afford matter of entertainment to have the creed of the ene- 
mies of all creeds and confessions, 



232 



DIALOGUES 



Infidelis. Not enemies to all creeds, cousin ; only to those 
creeds which they deem orthodox ; those which debase the 
sinner, exalt the Savior, and thwart the views of human 
arrogance. But they are very fond of such creeds as tickle 
proud nature, eclipse the sovereignty of grace, and debase the 
Savior as insufficient of himself to save to the uttermost 
those who come to God by him : as you will see in the fol- 
lowing. 

" I believe in the great God, the Father and fountain of 
Deity, as an absolute and supreme being, eternal, immortal, 
invisible, omnipresent, all-pov/erful, the Creator, Supporter, 
and Governor of all worlds. I believe in another God, who 
is not eternal in his existence ; not omnipresent in his es- 
sence ; not omnipotent, but entirely dependent on the great 
God for his very existence ; not supreme over all, as Paul 
the fanatic thought; but subject in all things to hira that 
made him ; not immortal, but actually died about seventeen 
hundred years agone, for purposes afterwards to be mention- 
ed. I farther believe, concerning this second God, that he 
was created, as the famiOus Whiston says, by the great God, 
in an ineffable manner, before the foundation of the world, 
far above all angels, and appointed to be the minister of the 
wrath and mercy of the Creator. J believe in a third God, 
called the Holy Ghost, created by the second God^ or suffra- 
gan of the Supreme Deit}^, and that, therefore, he may prop- 
erly be called the grandson of the great God." 

" I beg your pardon, said Mr. Out-and-in, interrupting me ; 
it would be more rational still, to ascribe no Deity whatever 
to the Son of God." 

O sir, replied I, we shall fit you in that, in the most agree- 
able manner ; then to the article of faith in the great God, 
add', " I believe in Jesus Christ, as a mere man like ourselves, 
yet pious and holy, A man sent of God, as a great teacher, 
whose business in life was to introduce a new mild law, 
commonly called the gospel ; because God had altered his 
mind, respecting the salvation of mankind, since his giving 
of the old law, which upon examination and long experi- 
ence, was found to be too strict and severe, consequently 
unjust, and fit for abolition. Wherefore, he raised up this 
same Jesus Christ, a man like ourselves, and sent him to 
correct the errors, which infinite wisdom had fallen into, in 
giving what we call the moral law. I believe, that when he 



OF DEVILS. 2SB 

obtained a perfect correct copy, he taught it to mankind, and 
called it the new law, or the gospel. T believe that this good 
toan did actually make such corrections, alterations, and 
amendments in the moral law, as he saw meet, notwithstand- 
ing he positively declared, that, " although heaven and earth 
should both pass away, not one jot or tittle of the old law 
should fail," that is, be superseded by any other law^ what- 
ever. I believe that Jesus Christ, this good man like our- 
selves, having rendered the old law a perfect system, and 
having taught it in its purified state, died to confirm the 
truth of his doctrine, just as Cranmer and other good men 
have done since then. I believe farther, that he continued 
under the pov/er of death for three days, and then was raised 
from the dead, to show that he was no impostor, but was ac- 
tually commissioned to amend the old law, which, prior to 
his correction, was neither holy, jast, nor good, as the mista- 
ken apostle thought it to be. Farther still, I believe that, 
in his exalted state, he is, as good Dr. Priestley observes, only 
a man like ourselves, notwithstanding the orthodox igno- 
rantly worship him as Immanuel, God, with them ; God 
manifest in the flesh ; the true God and eternal life ; the 
Alpha and Omega ; the first and the last, and I know not 
what enthusiastic titles, such as that book, called the Bible, 
ascribes to Jesus of Nazareth. 

Concerning the original state of man, I believe, that 
Adam did not beget his children in the likeness which he 
himself bore, at the time of their being begotten, but in the 
likeness which he bore before he had sinned ; that, although 
the fountain became polluted, the streams continue pure and 
limpid ; and, although the root was depraved by transgres- 
sion, the branches and fruit are holy and innocent. So that 
there is no such thing as original sin in any sense ; nor have 
the posterity of Adam any share in the guilt of his trans- 
gressions. And, whereas the death of infants is firequently 
alleged, by fanatics, and orthodox Christians, as a proof of 
original sin ; I do most rationally believe, concerning those 
that die in infancy, that either God, in an arbitrary unjust 
manner murders them without cause ; or their death is oc- 
casioned by some sin of their own, commJtted either whilst 
they were in the Vv^omb, or before they had being ; for no man 
can die for the sins of another, says your oracfe, and yet it 
is clear that infants do die. 

U2 



234 



DIALOGUES 



" Moreover, 1 believe that every man is possessed of power^ 
to justify himself by the deeds of the law, and to procure 
salvation by his ow^n willing and running-, contrary to the 
opinion of Paul, and the rest of the orthodox ; that salvation 
is obtained by works of righteousness of our own perform- 
ing, and not by the obedience and death of any other person ; 
that the glory of our salvation shall redound to the absolute 
mercy of God, and our own good endeavors to obtain it ; and 
not unto Christ, whom the orthodox enthusiastically say, has 
loved them, and washed them in his blood, by which he has 
redeemed them to God, out of every nation, kindred, people, 
tongue, and language." 

This creed being cordially received by my votaries, I 
laughed in my sleeve, and said, A fig for you all, my enemies ; 
Goodwin, Charnock, Owen and Crisp, &c. where are you 
now 1 A fig for all your snarlings at my principles ! Lift 
up your heads from the dusty pillows, and listen, whilst jour 
own descendants, ye Puritans, with all the force of eloquence, 
plead the cause of great Iniidelis. 

Impiator. Honored father, I admire your subtility, and 
almost adore your craftiness. Who would have thought, 
when we heard of the old Puritans raving against unbelief 
and profaneness, that, in such a short time, their descendants 
would have forsaken the principles of their progenitors. But 
I give you joy, my sire, your operations have lacked no ad- 
''antageous success. 

Infidelis. You are very obliging, my son ! But I perceive 
you are not aware of all the glory of this conquest. Perhaps 
my friends would think it strange, if I should tell them, that 
by this device, I have again introduced into Britain, as gross 
idolatry as ever Vv^as preached by the ancient druids, as ever 
was known at Rome or i\thens ; and that British divines 
have arrived at an higher degree of heathenism than ever 
was known in the celebrated pantheon. 

Impiator. Nay, then, my bewildering parent, out with it, 
and explain yourself What, idolatry again in Britain ! Hap- 
py stars ! 

Infidelis. Hold, son. Restrain yourself, I say. Do not you 
remember the charge I gave yon, Impiator, when I sent forth 
my several worthies to sound my sleep-giving trumpet. 

Impiator. I can remember nothing at present, so great is 



OF DEVIL1S. 



235 



joy ! O idolatry ! How glad am I that the Britons have 
again embraced thee ! 

Infidelis. This, son, was my charge, and I desire you will 
remember it. Take care, said I, Impiator, tai^e care what 
you do. It is a matter of great importance to our infernal 
interest, to which a blunder of yours might, on this occasion, 
be very injurious. These men are gone forth upon my busi- 
ness ; with a commission from me, your father, to counteract 
a preached gospel, and as much as may to sap its foundation 
doctrines. Now, my son, in order to be useful to me, it is 
highly necessary they should bear the appearance of the 
strictest sanctity, and be not any wise defective in tithing, 
anise, mint, and cummin, or how can they impose the cheat 
upon mankind with success? Whereas, the appearance of 
devotion and sanctity, will give energy to their argum.ents, 
and greatly recommend their doctrine ; there is no beating 
it out of the heads, even of the most ignorant, that there is 
such a thing as devotion and sanctity, inseparably connected 
with religion. 

Now, my son, thou art but a purblind devil, and at best 
precipitate; therefore thou rnayest overturn my well-con- 
certed scheme. I charge thee, therefore, Impiator, as thou 
wishest well to our mal-administration, that thou shalt re- 
frain from tempting these men into any of thine openly no- 
torious ways, and to leave them entirely to ray govern- 
ment ; for they cannot miscarry whilst I have the pleasure 
of reigning in their hearts. 

Fastosus. a very necessary caution, and it ought to be 
regarded. 

Impiator. I remember it very well, and have hitherto 
acted accordingly ; notwithstanding, I would rather allure 
every person to take up his dwelling in some part of my 
dominions. But, sir, I never knew that your rational divines 
were properly idolaters. 

Infidelis. Do you consider, then. They tell their hear- 
ers, that Immanuei is no more than a dignified creature, 
who has no personal claim to the essential properties of 
true and absolute divinity, notwithstanding m.any of them 
pay divine honors to his name. Now, my son, the worship 
of a creature, how dignified soever, is by all allowed to be 
mere idolatry. 

Fastosus. They deny the charge of idolatry, brother, 



236 



DIALOGUES 



by alleging', that they offer to Immanuel, only an inferiof- 
worship, suited to the inferiority of his person as a created 
being. 

Infidelis. The very thing in which their idolatry con- 
sists, and is on a level with the ancient pagans, It was an 
inferior kind of adoration, which the ancients paid to their 
heroes and common deities, in comparison of that which 
they offered to Jupiter their great god, the supposed king 
and father of all the rest. Mars and Mercury, for instance, 
were never considered as supreme, but as acting under the 
direction and delegation of Jupiter ; as such, and such only, 
they were adored and worshipped ; so that to distinguish 
between the worship of the father, as supreme, and that of 
his son, as inferior and subordinate, instead of exculpating 
them from the charge of idolatry, doth actually enforce it. 

Fastosus. But, to clear themselves from the charge of 
idolatry, they allege farther, sir, the command of God him- 
self, for their worshipping the Son, notwithstanding his in- 
feriority. The great God, say they, hath given command, 
that all the angels of God should worship him, and that all 
men should honor him ; shall then our obedience draw upon 
us the reproach of idolatry ] 

Infidelis. So they say. But if they knew the scriptures, 
only half as well as you and me, who have labored all our 
days to cloud their evidence, they would see that these 
commands, instead of exculpating them from, do actually 
bring home the charge of idolatry upon them. God hath 
expressly commanded, that, " Mankind shall have no other 
gods before him," as objects of religious adoration, either 
by ofRce or otherwise. And he would hardly have himself 
introduced another, of a different nature, and commanded 
all men to worship him ; seeing, in this case, one command 
would have clashed with the other. This would have been 
the spring of Vv^ild confusion, and everlasting uncertainty ; 
for the two commands being diametrically opposite, no man 
could ever have known which of the tv\^o might be obeyed 
with safety. 

Would we but suffer them to reflect upon the divine 
commands, they must unavoidably see that their worship- 
ping of the Son of God, as merely delegated, with an infe- 
rior kind of worship, is absolute idolatry. When the first 
begotten was brought into the world it was said, " Let all 



OF DEVILS. 



237 



the angels of God worship him," which thej accordingly 
did at his birth. When he revealed himself to Israel, the 
Father gave command, that, "All men should honor the 
Son, even as they honored the Father." That is, with the 
self-same honor, as is paid to the Father, on the foundation 
of his being one (in essence) with the Father. Whereas, 
had the Father ordained divine honors to be paid to any be- 
ing of a different essence from himself, he Vvould not only 
have overturned the first commandment, "Thou shalt have 
no other gods before me," but have given his glory to an- 
other, contrary to his own express declaration. I would not, 
therefore, have those sons of superior reason think it at all 
strange, if at last they find themselves ranked with idol- 
aters. 

Impiator. But, father, if I mistake not, you said, that, 
with them, paganism is brought to as great perfection as 
ever it arrived at in the Roman pantheon. How is that, sir, 
seeing they are rational Christians 1 

Infidelis. Yes, my son, they call themselves rational 
Christians, because they believe and teach, " That the 
world by wisdom may know the Almighty," and adorn their 
harangues with v/ords, which men's wisdom teacheth ; but 
they are pagans, notwithstanding, as will appear, when yoii 
consider, that they worship more Gods than one. Arians 
and Socinians both agree to worship one, whom they say is 
truly and essentially God, and the king and father of the 
other Deities. Besides this object of supreme adoration, 
they have other two, the Son and the Holy Ghost, whom 
they honor with inferior adoration, just as the ancients did 
the common Deities. I suppose, gentlemen, you will allow 
that the worship of two or three objects of different ranks, is 
as real paganism, as the worship of so many hundreds : but I 
choose to distinguish the moderns from others, by the name 
of Christian pagans, because they allow Jesus Christ to be 
one of their secondary Deities. I am greatly obliged to you, 
my brother Fastosus, for your assistance, so kindly given, 
to enable me to accomplish my purposes ; without it, I could 
not have brought my affairs to their present happy situa- 
tion. 

Fastosus. No, brother, you could not ; but you are at all 
times welcome to my assistance, in counteracting the sim- 
plicity of gospel truth. I myself should greatly suffer, were 



238 



DIALOGUES 



the Arians and Socinians to discover what part we have in 
their rational religion ; and I am not without my fears, that 
the capacity of the preachers for making proselytes, the 
dwindling away of their congregations, and the contempt 
in which they are in general held, wdl in time convince 
them, " That the world by wisdom knew not God," and so 
bring them to change their -presrint system of rational reli- 
gion for that of the cross of Jesus, which is truly rational, 
and ennobles every reasoning power of the human soul. 

Impiator. Ah, my sire ! What a subtle spirit you are ! 
With what laudable craftiness must you have acted, to suc- 
ceed in introducing pagan idolatry amongst modern divines, 
even amongst Protestant dissenters. I have long known 
that the papists are pagans in disguise, but had no thought 
of rational Christians being so far in alhance with us. 

DiscoRDANS. Pagans in disguise, cousin ! What do you 
mean] There is no mystery at all in your father's doc- 
trines; nor is there much diiTerence between the ancient 
pagans, and modern papists. The principal difference is 
this: The popish Juno, v/hom they call the mother of 
God, is far greater in power, and more exalted in glory, 
than the wife of Jupiter, the pagan Deity. The pagan 
Juno acted in all things subordinate to the will of her hus- 
band, the king and father of the gods, who bore absolute 
sway over the heavenly synod : but the popish Jupiter acts 
in subordination to the will of his virgin mother. He rules 
the creation, indeed ; but then he is still subject to maternal 
direction ; so that it is not God, the savior of sinners, but 
the virgin Mary the popish Juno, who possesses absolute 
sovereignty; and what good they expect at the hand of 
God, is expected as to be done in obedience to his virgin 
mother. 

In all other things, there is little or no disparity between 
the ancient and modern pantheon worship. The pagans 
worshipped angels, whom they called Gods; the papists 
worship them also, knowing them to be creatures. The 
first had their heroes and heroines, whom they adored un- 
der the name of demi-gods ; the latter, also, have their he- 
roes and heroines, whom they worship under the name of 
saints. The ancients had their ambiguous oracles and lying 
w^onders, and the moderns have both, in far greater abun 



OF DEVILS. 



239 



dance ; so that he must be blind indeed, who does not see 
amongst them undisguised paganism. 

Impiator. Then it must follow, that the papists are 
greater friends to my father Infidelis, than the Arians and 
Socinians ; because these bear something of the appearance 
of truth ; but those have cast off both truth and its appear- 
ance. 

Infidelis. That is your wisdom, again, my son. Impiator 
would make but a blundering minister of state in my court, 
gentlemen. But, my son, you may know, it is with us a 
maxim of policy, that, '* Whoever comes nearest the truth, 
and is, notwithstanding, destitute of it, is always capable 
of doing the most essential service to my interest." Popish 
paganism is by far too barefaced to succeed in England, 
where its absurdities have been so long detected. English 
Protestants w^ill not worship a god of the baker's making, 
whilst their wom.en retain the art of making good plumb- 
pudding, which will at any time be preferred to the sacra- 
mental wafer. But Arian and Socinian paganism is so sub- 
tilly invented, and so well refined, that it passeth with 
many for rational Christianity. 

Impiator. I fmd, sir, you are under necessity, as well as 
myself, to act wisely, witli craft and cunning, finding that 
the same device will not, with all people, at all times suc- 
ceed alike. We may sometimes, to some people, appear in 
our own infernal likeness ; and at others we are fain to put 
on a deep disguise, in order to accomplish our designs. But 
no matter how, so that we have them safe at last. How- 
ever, gentlemen, there being such a prospect of plenty, I 
begin to fear there will scarcely be room left in hell for us 
devils. 

Infidelis. Another stroke of my son's wit. It is well, 
Impiator, that your business is to tyrannize only over the 
thoughtless part of the human race, or you would be of 
little service to our fraternity. But have you never heard, 
that Tophet is wide and large, without either brim or bot- 
tom ] There is no fear of wanting room. Besides, wherever 
the fiends m.ay happen to be, they are always at home, bemg 
sure to carry their hell along with them. 

Fastosus. I have somewhere seen a map of that part of 
your dominions, brother, where the idolaters dwell ; if you 



240 



DIALOGUES 



have got one about you, I should be glad to have a descrip- 
tion of it. 

Infidelis. I have, sir, and am glad it is in my power to 
gratify my much-honored brother. You see, sir, it is di- 
vided into two grand provinces, each inhabited by different 
sects of idol worshippers. That province on the left con- 
tains the various sects of civil idolaters, and this on the right 
contains the m.any denominations of their elder brethren, 
the religious idolaters. And, I assure you, they are two 
bodies of people very respectable. 

The province which contains the civil idolaters, is di- 
vided into several counties, all of which are very populous. 
In the first county live the worshippers of vain pleasure, 
and this county is divided into several regalities, in which 
the several sects or denominations of idolaters dwell, ac- 
cording to the diversity of their inclinations. The first re- 
gality is appointed to the worshippers of living creatures. 
This sv/arms with jockeys, and gamblers of the turf, both 
of noble and ignoble extraction. Along with them live the 
worshippers of foxes, hares, and hounds, a very jolly race, I 
assure you, well skilled in the literature of the kennel. But 
it is better to be a slave in a Turkish galley, than held as a 
divinity in this regality ; for adoration never fails to procure 
torture to the idol, as the panting of the hare, and the well- 
plowed sides of the horse, sufficiently demonstrate. A 
little nook of this regality is, by royal mandate, made over 
to sterile wives and maiden ladies, who, for want of more 
agreeable objects of adoration, worship monkeys, parrots, 
and lap-dogs. The second regality is the habitation of those 
who worship the dramatic poets, and their apes, the players. 
At the shrines of those idols, the worshippers sacrifice health 
and virtue, under pretence of learning wisdom. They are 
a very fashionable and honored people, with whom legisla- 
tors and guardians of public virtue are not ashamed to as- 
sociate. Here you may find legislators patriotically sacri- 
ficing their own virtue, in order to protect that of their na- 
tion ; their own estates, in order to assist in public economy ; 
and faithlessly wasting their own time, in order to teach in- 
dustry to the inferior ranks of subjects. 

In the second county, you will find all the worshippers 
of false honor ; a set of gentry extremely divided in their 
sentiments, relative to the object of their adoration. One 



OF DSVILS. 



241 



holy father falls down prostrate, like Cardinal Wolsey, be- 
fore the triple crown and pontifical dignity. A second is 
equally devout at the shrine of a cardinafs hat. And a third, 
less aspiring, pays his devotions to a bishop's mitre or pre- . 
latic robes, and the highest of his present ambition is a bish- 
opric. Other reverend gentlemen offer a more humble 
worship to a deanery, prebend, or vicarage. 

It is very observable, that in this county people never 
worship that to which they have already attained ; but hav- 
ing compassed their purpose, burn incense to the idol next 
in rank, and thus the worshipper goes on, if death and dis- 
appointment do not prevent him, until he has worshipped 
every shrine in the pantheon. 

For instance, whilst a curate, a vicarage is the idol ; the 
vicarage obtained, it gives place to a prebend or deanery ; 
w^hich once enjoyed, they also, in their turn, give place to 
a bishopric ; that to an archbishopric, which is the principal 
idol of the English. But in other countries, there are idols 
of a superior rank, so that the moment an archbishopric is 
obtained, incense smokes to a cardinal's hat; which also ob- 
tained, loses it worshipper, w^ho is now converted to the wor- 
ship of the triple crown, the great god and father of all the 
other idols. 

Nor are the laity less devout than their reverend breth- 
ren ; for one m^an worships universal empire, like Louis of 
France, and some others ; but it is said that George of Brit- 
ain is an apostate from this religion. Another worships a 
crown and sceptre, like the descendants of a certain brick- 
layer; and many adore the place of prime-minister, chan- 
cellor of the kingdom, first lord of the treasury, with every 
other place of honor and trust in government. Some you 
shall see fall prostrate before a star and garter, whilst others 
are all obedience to a coronet. The husband lies in the dust 
before " his honor," whilst his wife in raptures adores " her 
ladyship." " His lordship" is bended to by one, and another 
pays all his devotion to " his grace." 

In this county, you may find some men religious enough 
to worship a corporal's knot, or a Serjeant's halberd. Some 
v/orship an ensign's sash, others a lieutenant's commission, 
whilst the captain is absolutely as much devoted to a regi- 
ment, as his colonel is to a marshal's staff! 

The third county is the dwelling of those who worship 



242 



DIALOGUES 



their own bodies, than which, I presume, there is not a more 
ravenous idol in the synod. Around the shrine of this god, 
stand the baker, brewer, pastry-cook, confectioner, distiller, 
weaver, and m^ale and female tailors. Hard by are a con- 
stellation of the softer sex prostrate before an Indian shrub, 
the leaves of which are in great veneration. At no great 
distance are a cloud of worshippers of Virginia tobacco ; 
they are divided into no less than four different sects. The 
first of whom worsnip the tobacco in the neat leaf, cut sniall, 
or well rolled together. The second worship it after it is 
well ground into flour. The third put it through the fire to 
the dear sensation. And the fourth are of such a Catholic 
disposition, that they worship the dearly beloved tobacco in 
all its forms. [Of this last sect the Listener professes him- 
self] 

The belly is worshipped by many, as the principal god, 
and so profuse are they in their ofi'erings, that its altar is 
sometimes almost overturned, and the idol, greedy as it is, 
is unable to bear the fruits of their devotion. The sect of 
gluttons, a devout race, ransack botli earth and sea to bring* 
plenty of offerings to the idol ; and that of drunkards, in 
no less devotion, pour on the wines in such profusion, that 
all the surrounding trenches are gorged to the brim. This 
same idol differs exceedingly from most other objects of 
idolatrous worship; for when it has swilled to excess in the 
drink-offering, it invites the brain to share in the feast, to 
v/hich it presents every vaporish effluvia, whilst it reserves 
for its own use only the parts excrementitious. Moreover, 
this same belly is apt to resent the profusion of its worship- 
pers, and sends forth the bluest plagues, most chilling agues, 
burning, putrid and malignant fevers, with all manner of 
acute and chronical distempers, amongst the worshippers, 
a.nd thus provides employment for gentlemen of the faculty; 
whose business positively would be worse than that of a 
cobbler, but for the religion of belly- worshipping. 

In the fourth county dwell the worshippers of gold and 
large possessions, some of v/hom you will find lying pros- 
trate, in the deepest devotion, to a fine well-situated house 
and garden ; others worshipping a fertile estate and well- 
stored barns, a flock of fleecy sheep, or an herd of fattening 
bullocks. One man adores the brace of nags, which hurl 
him from place to place, whilst his friend is prostrate befar? 



OF DEVILS. 



243 



a splendid retinue. Moidores, as well as English coin, is a 
splendid idol, and attracts the attention of many, whilst some 
adore a coal-pit, or a mine of leaden ore. 

Had I time, I would give you a more full account of the 
religious idolaters ; but as business is urgent, I shall only 
touch upon some of their gods. The greatest of which is 
his holiness the present pope, who dispenseth blessing and 
cursing, casteth down and exalteth at his pleasure. This 
god, who is exalted above all that is called God, issueth 
dispensations and pardons, for money and price, contrary to 
the manner of the God of heaven. The one pardons and 
gives salvation freely of grace, but the other sells his par- 
dons as dear as he can. Next to his holiness, on the right 
hand, stands the popish Juno, or virgin Mary, whose povv- 
erful command of the God of nature, is greatly adored by 
every zealous papist. On the left hand stands a Jesus Christ 
of wood, whom the papists also highly revere ; for they are, 
almost to distraction, fond of wooden deities. Some indeed 
have a Jesus Christ made of gold or silver, and others, more 
lowly, worship a paper Savior ; but the most humble devo- 
tion is paid to the gods which the baker makes. These are 
the most ravenous idolaters in the whole world ; for, with 
the greatest eagerness and devout veneration, they eat the 
object of their adoration. Thousands of these broaden gods 
are devoured annually, and as soon as devoured, they are 
replaced by others from the sacred ovens. The people, wor- 
ship, and service of the true Jesus of Nazareth, they abhor 
and persecute with as much fury as ever their ancestors the 
Romish pagans did. But if their own god smiths, carvers, 
or statuaries, happen to produce a handsome Jesus Christ, 
or a mother of God, the country will presently wonder after 
it, in the most profound adoration. 

Discord ANS. I hav^e sometimes thought, brother, that the 
popish religion is the religion of Moloch inverted. That vo- 
racious idol Vv^as used to devour the children of his worship- 
pers ; but here the greedy worshippers devour their god, 
after he is well baked in an oven. 

Infidelis. The ancient pagans were even foolish enough, 
in giving their children to that greedy devil, Moloch; and 
_,the papists are not much wiser in worshipping the works of 
the artificer, or believing that they can eat their Maker 
Here are^ likev^^ise, the greatest variety of venerable relics, 



244 



DIALOGUES 



such as St. Peter's beard, the ear of St. Francis, the milk of 
the virgin, with a thousand fooleries besides, all of which are 
in some sense deified. 

Besides these already mentioned, there dwell in this prov- 
ince, all who worship their ancestors, which renders the 
country very populous. I mean those who hold the canons, 
confessions, and liturgies composed by their ancestors, to be 
nearly equal to the scriptures in authenticity. Likewise, 
those who are of this or that persuasion, merely because it 
was the faith of their progenitors, without giving themselves 
the trouble of searching the scripture, to know the truth of 
the doctrine. It is also here that the worshippers of the sa- 
cerdotal livery dwell. I mean those who venerate a man 
merely for the sake of his gown and cassock, without in- 
quiring vv'hether his doctrine and conversation render him 
venerable. 

But I should tire your patience, was I to give you a mi- 
nute description of my vastly extended country, as well as 
lead you to imitate the sloth of the children of men. I shall 
therefore beg leave here to desist. At the usual time I will 
meet you. Business calls me hence at present. 



DIALOGUE XVII. 

ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT. 

Privy to their appointment, T made business give way to 
curiosity, and I was as punctual in my attendance as they 
were in theirs. At the same time before agreed to, they 
assembled, resumed their seats, and Fastosus thus began: 

Fastosus. It is true, sir, your son Avaro hath greatly 
exceeded my expectations, and proves himself to be an ex- 
pert devil. He will, I think, do honor to the name of Infi- 
delis, and may greatly contribute to the flourishing estate 
of the kingdom of pride. I should be glad if Avaro might 
now a little enlarge upon the hints he has already given, 
that we may further see the prosperity of our general in- 
terest. 

DiscoRDANS. That will be very grateful to me, cousin 
Avaro, as your sordid and griping influences have the most 



OF DEVILS. 



245 



happy eff(3ct upon the reign of contention. How have I 
been delighted, when one of your slaves has dropped into 
the grave, leaving behind him vast possessions, by the dis- 
cord I have sown amongst his children and kinsfolks ! Your 
slaves dare not think of dying and entering into another 
world ; therefore it sometimes happens, that after the muck- 
worm has been, by every means, and every kind of rapine, 
scraping wealth together for many years, he drops into eter- 
nity, without leaving behind him any authentic direction 
how his plunder is to be disposed of This gives me a fair 
/opportunity of setting his relations together by the ears, 
about who shall get most of the miser's effects to himself; 
and I have the happiness, frequently, of planting irrecon- 
cilable enmity in the heart of one brother and sister against 
another, which, you know, is a comfortable sight to our in- 
fernal nobility. 

Som.etimes, the griping miser, that enemy to himself and 
all mankind, is over-persuaded to make his will, though se- 
cretly hoping he shall not die for a great while yet to come ; 
and then the case is very little altered : for when the wretch 
goes to the place appointed for the covetous, his will is im- 
jsatisfactory to some of the relations; one has too much, and 
the other has too little left him. Here, disagreeable alter- 
cation succeeds the funeral obsequies, and division and ever- 
lasting disgust sums up the whole. Unless, indeed, that re- 
lation who has too little bequeathed to him, should call in 
the gentlemen of the law to decide the matter in some court 
of judicature; and Vv'ho, having fleeced both the fools, as 
handsomely as the nature of the thing would admit of, refer 
them at last to an arbitration. 

I assure you, cousin, I scarcely ever see one of your in- 
dustrious slaves, but I flatter a hope of having; some em* 
ployment in his family on his demise ; nor do I know any 
other real use that the miser's ill-gotten money is of to so^ 
ciety, besides sov/ing discord amongst friends and relations. 
The wretch meanly robs his own back and belly, as v/el] as 
all he deals with, to answer purposes no more valuable by 
his having. But T prevent you, cousin. 

AvAno. I cannot easily depart from the tent of the scarlet 
lady, w^hose name is mystic Babylon, v/ithout making far- 
ther honorable mention of her prudent children. The wise 
disposal of purgatorial fire has been alreadv exemphfied^ and 

y2 



246 



DIALOGUES 



the dispensation and pardon market has been glanced at ; 
but one way of getting money besides these I shall now in- 
stance. I have laid my claim to the popish clergy in gene- 
ral ; but of them all, there are none who exceed the worthy 
lords, the inquisitors, in veneration of my golden image. 
This religion of the golden image was first invented by the 
clergy of Babylon, and I assure you, to this day, the clergy 
of Babylon invariably follow it. But the inquisitors, of all 
others, are the most zealous devotees of the golden god, 
first set up by the parsons of Babylon. 

Never did any eagle look out for a dove, nor an hawk for 
a sparrow, v/ith greater vigilance than their lordships are 
wont to look out for a prey. If, within their jurisdiction, 
there happens to be a stranger, whose circumstances are 
prosperous, and who is likely to be a good bone for their 
reverences to pick ; it shall go hard but they will provoke 
him, by some of their emissaries, to say something against 
the inquisitive tribunal, which, in some countries, is deemed 
the unpardonable sin. No sooner has the insinuating priest, 
by indirect means, obtained matter of accusation, but he 
makes information in the holy office, before the fathers, who, 
on hearing the blessed report, are as much delighted as the 
wolf, when he has fanged a prey. The merchant is appre- 
hended, his estate confiscated ; he is immured in the prison 
cells until consumed, either by famine or vermin, otherwise 
he is tortured privately to death, by the hands of their sanc- 
tified ruffians. 

One instance, of the many w^hich 1 might produce, shall 
serve to exemplify the equity of the inquisitors. When 
Syracuse was in its glory, there was one Bellarius, a for- 
eign merchant, who, in the course of business, had amassed 
great riches ; and who, at the same time, was so circumspect 
in all his ways, that even the eye of an emissary of the of- 
fice could find nothing, of which to accuse him to the tribu- 
nal. Thus he lived in reputation and affluence for many 
years, to the great impatience of the holy inquisitors, who 
could find no plausible pretence, by which they might fang 
his substance with their rapacious talons. 

Bellarius had an only child, a lady about seventeen. Her 
person was the perfection of symmetry, and her mind a copy 
of the purest virtue. By her they found means to accom- 
plish their purposes, and bring comiplicated ruin on the un- 



OF DEVILS. 



247 



happy parent Tlie family, retired to peaceful repose, were 
one night alarmed about one o'clock, first by the approach 
of a coach, and then by a smart rapping at the gate. Bel- 
larius from within asking 'Who is there 1' was answered, 
'The holy inquisition.' Down stairs he ran, flew to the 
gates, in obedience to the dread tribunal, and opened to re- 
ceive those ministers of darkness. Understanding they were 
come for his daughter, in farther obedience to those leaders 
of the church, he went himself up to her cham.ber, brought 
her down trembling as she was, and delivered her into the 
hands of the horrid ravishers, who carried her off to the 
seraglio, in the ofhce of the inquisition ; where for the present 
we leave her, through fear of death, seduced from her virtue, 
by those pretended patrons of religion, and return to the un- 
happy disconsolate father. 

Impiator. Well, brother, I find then the priests of Rome 
are not so much addicted to eunuchry as they pretend. It 
is lawful, it seems, to ravish virgins, however unlawful it 
may be to have a married wife. I have often heard of the 
seraglio of princes, but not so often of the seraglio of priests, 
and those priests too, who, of all others, are the most zeal- 
ous wanderers after the seven-headed beast. 

AvARO. Distressed and comfortless, Bellarius remained 
at home ; forsook all company, and conversed only with the 
various cogitations of his own foreboding mind. At one time, 
he conjectured that his hapless daughter, in some inadver- 
tent moment, might have blasphemed either the wooden vir- 
gin Mary, or the great high-priest of Rome, or the holy in- 
quisitors ; in which case, he gave her up for lost, and doomed 
her to ftill a sacrifice. Yet he could scarcely forgive the 
rigor of that religion, which had in such a merciless manner 
ravished her from his fond embrace. 

It v/as not long after this, an Armenian merchant, said to 
be newly arrived in Syracuse, called on him, under pretence 
of buying a large assortment of goods. Generous and un- 
suspecting, Bellarius bid him welcome to his house, during 
his stay ; which he, after some seemingly modest apologies, 
thankfully accepted. The pretended Armenian, perceiving 
Bellarius to eat but little supper, and now and then inad- 
vertently to let slip a sigh, took occasion to rally him, in a 
friendly manner, as if troubled with the hyp', advising him to 
cheer up and hope for better times. 



^48 



DIALOGUES 



Bellarius, having but little relish for a jest, seriously re- 
plied, ' No, sir, the hyp' is not my present disease, neither 
have my affairs in trade taken an adverse turn; and yet 
there is one thing which gives me great distress.' The 
friendly Armenian v^as now more importunate to know his 
grievance, that he might at least sympathize with him in 
his affliction. Little suspecting that he w^as conflicting with 
priestly subtility, he thought he might safely lodge his cir- 
cumstances in the generous bosom of a merchant. He re- 
plied, Sir, I suppose you are a stranger in Syracuse ; as such, 
let me advise you, as you value your life and libert}^, to be 
careful of your words, and every part of your deportment, 
during your abode ; for this is is a place of danger. I have, 
sir, one only daughter, the perfect image of her lovely mo- 
ther, whom I had the misery to bury but a few months ago. 
I know not by what temptation, but my poor girl has said 
something dishonorable, either of the lady of Loretto, his 
holiness the pope, or their lordships the iiu|uisitors, for which 
she is imprisoned in the lioly office, and I suppose must an- 
swer it with her life. 

Oh, sir, I hope not, said the Armenian ; the lady's j^outh 
will intercede for her, and after some gentle admonition, 
your daughter v/ill be returned to the house of her father. 

Ah, sir, rejoined disconsolate Bellarius, I cannot but fear 
that her youth and beauty are her greatest enem.ies and ac- 
cusers. These are qualities capable of impressing the heart 
even of an inquisitor. If this is the case, my poor daughter 
is already either dead or debauclied. Or should it happen, 
that any thing has been alleged against her religious con^- 
duct, there are instruments enough in the inquisition, and 
their lordships want not skill to use them ; instruments suf- 
ficient to make an helpless virgin confess that, which even 
never entered her thoughts : so that, at all events, her death 
or dishonor is insured. No, sir^ it is not possible for me te* 
hope for better, seeing the least hint thrown out against the 
inquisition, is condemned as unpardonable blasphemy. 

It was not lono- after this discourse, before the Armenian 
feigned a necessity of going out; w^ent straigiit to the inquif 
sition, and made inforrnation, being a Jesuit disguised as a 
merchant ; and that very niglit a coach was sent to conduct 
Bellarius to the cells of their dreadful prison. Next day 
)}i3 effects were ssir.ed by order of tlie holv fatherr-j wIiq 



OF DEVILS. 



249 



now rejoiced that at last they had grasped the long wished 
for prey. Confined in an abominable cell, he was greatly 
annoyed by vermin ; and, being divers times examined by 
torture, he died w^ith grief for his daughter, who, as she 
could never freely yield to the lothesome embrace of those 
murderers, in a few months tired their patience. Then one 
of their sanctified ruffians first murdered her, and then burned 
her to ashes in the dry pan. It is amazing, gentlemen, to 
what lengths the lust of money and women will carry men. 

Fastosus. Indeed, cousin, I think your friends, the inquis- 
itors, bid fair for equalling the most subtil of our fraternity. 
Oh what means of procuring wealth have you taught their 
reverences of the Romish hierarchy! Selling of dispensa- 
tions and pardons, begging of money for masses, &c. &c. 
are profitable articles, and turn to a good account. But, if 
I remember right, you told me a few days since, your vas- 
sals are divided into several com.panies, or comm.unities, and 
that people of all kingdoms, ranks, and professions, are, at 
this day, worshippers of the god Avaro. I should be glad 
to hear something farther about them. 

Avaro. I did so, sir, and shpJl be ready farther to oblige 
you, if to give you a brief view of our corporation, which, 
like all other towns corporate, consists of divers companies, 
w^ill do it. The first of which is that of 

The lawyers. A very wise set of gentlemen ; who ex- 
ceed the children of light, in the art of money-getting, as 
far as any of the inhabitants of our territories ; of course 
they are held in great estimation, as gentlemen of the first 
intelligence. In our city of Avarice, there is no knowledge 
deemed of any avail, no conduct accounted virtuous, be- 
sides that of money-getting. He is always the wisest, best, 
and most virtuous man, who best succeeds in the lucrative 
art, whether in law, or in trade, or otherwise. There w^as 
a time, you know, when the law was as straight, as clear as 
a beam of light, and needed no expounding, so that every 
man was his own counsellor. But ever since the kings of 
England were kept prisoners under a guard, lest truth should 
become familiar to the royal ear, the case has been quite 
altered ; now it is so full of pleas and demurrers, doubts and 
^exceptions, &c. that it is a perfect labyrinth ; dangerous for 
an honest man to enter. For, in the lawyers' company, it 
is a standing rule, that, whether the plaintiff or defendant 



250 



DIALOGUES 



lose the cause, the lawyers, on both sides, are sure to be con- 
siderable gainers. Indeed, it is very seldom, but they man- 
aofe the matter so, that all parties, except themselves, are 
losers ; and if he vvdio gains the trial, finds himself in the 
end to be a loser, how do you think it must fare with the 
wretch, against whom the verdict is given 1 If an honest 
man has a mind to purchase an estate ever so fairly, and pay 
for it ever so honestly, he will find it a difficult matter, so 
to secure his title, but if any succeeding heir be bred to the 
law, or heiress be married to a law)^er, he may run a risk of 
being jostled out of his property, by some knavish quirk in 
law, without any allowance made either for the estate or its 
improvements. 

Indeed, sir, it may be said of my faithful disciples, the 
lawyers, attorneys, bailiffs, &c. that they pay as little regard 
to truth as the greatest of ourselves. Right and wrong, 
equity and oppression, are no objects of their regard, provid- 
ing the case will yield good advantage, and bring large 
grist to their mill ; an instance of this, if you please, gentle- 
men, I shall give you. 

Contu melius was a Yorkshire gentleman, of distinguished 
birth and ample fortune, but somewhat akin to the mad Ma- 
cedonian. Ilis country-seat stood by the side of a lane, 
through which neighboring farmers passed with their teams, 
from time immemorial. But so much passing and repassing, 
of the whistling clowns, following their wagons, at last 
proved very offensive to the worshipful 'squire, so that he 
resolved to remove the intolerable nuisance, by blocking up 
the way. A gate was accordingly put up, and fastened with 
a padPxik, effectually to stop the clownish passengers from 
passing as before, and turn them by a \vay considerably more 
distant. 

As soon as the 'squire's proceeding reached the ear of 
Mr. Loveright, a neighboring farmer, he ordered his wagon 
to drive directly to the gate, and finding it locked, took an 
ax, which he brought with him for that purpose, and, to the 
great mortification of 'Squire Contumelius, hewed it to 
pieces. His w^orship, in a rage, posted to Mr. Deceitful, a 
very eminent lawyer in a neighboring town, for his advice. 
The worthy law^yer, finding this a proper occasion of serv- 
ing his own interest, advised the 'squire to send for a writ, 
and commence an action against the farmer for his intolera^ 



OF DEVILS, 



251 



ble insolence. In a few days, the writ was served on Love- 
right, who immediately waited on lawyer Deceitful, in order, 
if possible, to compromise the matter. 

He no sooner entered the office, than Mr. Deceitfal took 
him aside, and thus addressed him: I am heartily sorry, 
my good Mr. Loveright, that I have been in a manner 
obliged, by his worship Contumelius, to send for a writ 
against you. But I assure you, sir, in my opinion your side 
of the question is by much the safest; and might I advise, 
it would be to stand a trial, and by no means subnnt to a 
compromise. Knowing the farmer to be a man of substance 
and resolution, he continued. There is no bearing with such 
insolent treatment. For my own part, Mr. Loveright, I 
would much rather you had been my client, on the present 
occasion, than the giddy 'squire ; but he first applied to me, 
and insisted on my doing v/hat I have done. If you please, 
you may apply to my brother Falsehood, who is skilful as 
any man, and as honest as any lawyer I know. In the 
meanwhile, sir, you may depend on me as your real friend, 
ready to serve you, in every thing consistent with my repu- 
tation. 

As soon as Loveright was departed, Mr. Deceitful took 
horse, and rode directly to the 'squire's house ; told him the 
farmer had been with him, heealily repented of his folly, 
and was very desirous of coming to terms of agreement. 
But were the case mine, said he, I would listen to no terms 

, of accommodation, but punish his insolence to the utmost 
rigor of law. The low-life fellow, having got forward in 
the world, has forgotten himself; and, if suffered now to 
escape with impunity, he will be the pest of the neighbor- 
hood. Thus the worthy lawyer irritated both parties, until 
he had made sure of an assize hearing, that, in the debate, 
he might likewise insure to himself a sum very consider- 
able. For he knew very well, that if ever a difference falls 
into the insatiable maw of the court, it will never be dis- 
gorged, until all costs of suit are amply paid off ; for it is 
impossible for my mercenary scribblers to give any credit. 
Let them act justly or unjustly, they make sure of their 
fees; and, as the one party must necessarily lose, both 
counsellor and attorney take care to father the miscarriage 
of the cause, on something' which the client has done, 

[. which he ought not; or omitted, wliich he ought to have 



252 



DIALOGUES 



done : and, notwithstanding all their fraud and deceit, both 
of them come off good honest lawyers. 

The second company, and next in reputation to that of 
the lawyers, is the parson's company, which is also very 
flourishing and reverend. That you may not mistake my 
meaning, by parsons, I intend all, in general, of every de- 
nomination, v/ho are ministers merely for the sake of a liv- ■ 
ing ; more especially, 

1. All v/ho profess to my lord bishop, that they are 
moved by the Holy Ghost, to take upon them the office of a 
deacon, when, in reality, it is the hope of a benefice, by 
wdiich they are stimulated ; and who, afterwards, in the ) 
course of their pulpiteering, tell the people that it is enthu-.- 
siasm in any person, to expect to receive the Holy Ghost in i' 
these days. 

2. All who, sustaining the sacerdotal character, lead I 
men into sin, or harden those who are insensible, either by 
conniving at the sins of their people, or by being guilty of 
the like themselves. These gentlemen are pretty nume- 
rous. 

3. All who act rigorously tew^ards their parishioners, in 
^ regard to temporal things, who evidently show more con- 
cern about tithes ^nd offerings than about the everlasting 
welfare of their people. 

4. All in holy orders, who, through covetousness, idle- 
ness, or any other unjustifiable cause, withhold from their 
people the stated ministration of the word and ordinances. 
Set a mark upon them, for they are all my disciples. 

5. Wherever you meet with a gentleman in holy orders,- 
who is so far above the bulk of his auditory, that he will 
not condescend to converse even with the meanest about 
the state of his soul, the work of the Spirit, and way of 
salvation, such are idle shepherds, unnatural pastors, and 
altogether devoted to the god Avaro. 

Impiator. So then, cousin, I find you have parsons of 
more denominations than one ; they are not all engrossed 
by the established churches in England and on the conti- 
nent, it seems. Yet I meet with many who, with great 
warmth, will vindicate their own denomination by whole- 
sale, and deem it little less than blasphemy, to suppose that 
they embrace any thing erroneous. Yet none more ready 



OF DEVILS. 



253 



to censure and condemn those who are of a different per- 
suasion in religious things. 

AvARO. The truth is, my parsons are scattered abroad, 
among all sects of professors; for the time is not yet come, 
that any one sect can justly assert, that none of their minis- 
ters have any other object in view but the glory of God, 
and the good of mankind. Nor will the time commence, 
before that important question, 'who shall be the greatest]' 
is finally decided ; which it is thought will be a great while 
first, seeing it hath already puzzled the schoolmen and 
leaders of the church for sixteen centuries back. 

But, to return to the parsons' company; wherever you 
meet with a clergyman, who answers the description I have 
given, you need not ask him whether he is a churchman or 
a dissenter. All you have to do, is to put Beelzebub's mark 
upon his forehead, and take assurance of him, that, at a cer- 
tain time, he shall not fail to visit the nether regions, and 
take his abode in the infernal palace. 

In this very populous company, there is great diversity 
of ranks, even where there is an equality of genius ; for 
some, having scarcely finished their apprenticeship, are in- 
ducted into livings, and instantly commence rectors and 
tithe-gatherers. Others, for want of friends, are obliged, 
much against their inclination, to continue underlings all 
the length of a tedious life. I have seen a handsome par- 
son, ere now, riding upon four or five steeples at once, and 
having more in expectation ; whilst his fellow-student could 
scarcely procure brown bread and Welsh butter. And 
amongst all the pluralists in my acquaintance, I know not 
of one that has got livings enough ; but, Give, give, is still 
their fervent prayer to my lord bishop, or some other patron, 
who has a benefice to bestow. Many, indeed, think they 
should be quite contented, if they had but one more bene- 
fice added to what they now enjoy ; but I can tell you, could 
they come by another, there would still be another want- 
ing. It is much, now so many clergymen find themselves 
uneasy in the trammels, if they do not at last take it into 
their heads to persuade the legislature, that a clergyman 
cannot preach in three or four churches at one and the 
same time; and that it is not perfectly consistent, either 
' with Christianity or reason, that one clergyman should have 

W 



254 



DIALOGUES 



three or four livings, whilst another has none. Should it 
come to this, my company must be terrible sufferers. 

Impiator. One would really think, if the cure of souls 
is as weighty a concern as some people make it, the parsons 
would not be so fond of pluralities ; of adding living to liv- 
ing, and parish to parish. 

AvARO. The cure of souls, forsooth ! My parsons care 
not who take the souls. The fleece, cousin, the fleece, at- 
tracts their attention. Give an avaricious parson the fleece, 
and you may make fairies of the souls of the parishioners, 
if you will. Many of them do very little of the priest's 
ofBce, besides collecting the tithes and offerings ; at which 
they are wonderfully dexterous. But as to preaching they 
have no notion of it, and less still of visiting the sick, were 
they even in the jaws of death. I assure you, gentlemen, 
those idle shepherds are of the greatest use to our govern- 
ment. The interest of hell could not prosper as it does, 
were we not well befriended by many gentlemen in holy 
orders. 

Fastosus. Indeed, cousin, I have often thought that 
without their assistance, we should be ill put to it to main- 
tain our ground, against the votaries of Immanuel. What 
posting to and from hell is there amongst our sable breth- 
ren, when but one faithful and zealous gospel minister 
arises in a nation ? You may remember when Luther and 
Calvin broke the chain of the pope and devil, lifted up the 
voice of the gospel trumpet, which resounded through the 
bowels of hell, and made the pillars of our infernal kingdom 
totter, w^hat hurly-burly we all were in ! What deep con- 
sultations in the divan ! What diligence in action with our 
forces upon earth ! 

AvARO. True, sir, but times are much altered for the 
better. Many a well-paid parson, noVv7-a-days, is so obliging 
as to sing a lullaby to his people, v/hen he finds them sno- 
ring in the sleep of security, and will sufl*er no man to at- 
tempt their awakening. He kindly tells them, "that they 
may sleep on now, and take their rest, for the wolf is gone 
out of the country, and will not for a great while return. 
Let no man disturb you w^ith idle notions, for you may all 
go asleep to heaven, without ever knowing what conversion 
means." 

Infideijs. It is admirable w^hat power these same gen- 



or DEVIL-. 255 

tlemen have gotten over reason and religiun. 1 have oiten 
thought, that if ever they v.'ere to read their Bibles v\-ir.h 
attention, they could not be oif from seeing that they them- 
selves are the identical persons intended by the idle shep- 
herds, and unfaithful vv-atclnnen, against vrhom so many 
curses are denounced in scriptur?. The idle shepherda, 
you know, are such vrho feed and adorn themselves with the 
spoils of the flock, which is suffered to perish unwarned, and 
to die f3r lack of knov;led2'e. The idle shepherd is that 
lordly priest, that downy doc cor, who kseps at an awful dis- 
tance from men of ordinary rank, and is too much of the 
gentleman to give himseli any concern about the souls of 
his parishioners. 

iMany of those idle shepherds I knovr, vvho possess som.e 
hundreds, ay, some of them thousands per annum, who 
will not so much as ask one of their cure, whether he m- 
tends to go to heaven or hell at death, or whether he serves 
God or the devil ; yet if a parishioner die, they will keep 
as penetrating a look-ont -or their fees, as an eagle for his 
prey, and seize it v:. i eagerness. Zuoreover, for the 
sake of this same fee. cn-v v. hi own the deceased for a bro- 
ther, which privilege was always denied him vrliilst ali^-e, 
unless he siiould indeed h3.ve happened to be one of the fat 
of the flock, who was capable of yielding a double fleece. 

AvARO. It is the fleece, sir, vrhich my disciples reD^ard, 
and not the flock. Hew have I been diverted sometimes, 
both at church and rneeting'-house, to hear the parson, with 
an air the most supercilious and contemptful, railing 
against the most useful of God's ministers, as enthusiasts, 
fanatics, and methodists I Ah I said I to myself, what poor 
honest devils were those of old, wYio confessed Christ and 
his disciples, and thus declared to the sons of Sceva, Jesus 
we know, and Paul we know, but who are you 

Sometimes I hear them crwing with veliemence, against 
the divinity of Immanuel : one making him some kind of a 
super-ano'elical being, and another asserting that he is only 
a iTian, like themselves. Then say I, What a pasillaninious 
spirit was that same devil Legion, who. Vv-ithoat receiving 
either tithe or offering, confessed Jesus of Xazareth to be 
the only Son of God, to vrhom the scriptures ascribe every 
divine honor ! But these parsons are vrell naid for confess- 
ing him, an:l yet deny him with the utmost insolence. 



256 



DIALOGUES 



There is never a day bat I hear some of this company 
charging the lie upon one text or other of the Bible. One 
tells his people that there is no such thing, as one being 
chosen to salvation more than another ; hut that the love of 
God is equal unto, and upon all men, whether Jev/ or Gen- 
tile, Turk or Pagan, Papist or Protestant ; nay, then, say I, 
master parson, you are become a dissenter from your own 
seventeenth article. And, to speak within compass, there 
are at least a thousand pulpits in the church occupied by 
such dissenters. 

Then I hear others, railing against those who preach sal- 
vation by grace ; and, at the same time, assuring their peo- 
ple, that they must be saved by their own holiness and good 
works. Very well, say I, then I have my desire, for upon 
these terms they will never be saved at all. But still I am 
at a loss, how they dare so barefacedly give the lie to Paul 
the apostle, who taught the church, that, " By grace they 
were saved through faith, and that not of themselves, but 
the gift of God." 1 hear many clergymen of the established 
church, in entering upon the service, thus address the Majesty 
of Heaven, " Lord, cleanse thou the thoughts of our hearts, 
by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit ;" and in less than an 
hour after, telling their parishioners, that it is mere enthu- 
siasm in any man to expect, in these days, to be at all in- 
fluenced by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. 

So glaring the contradictions, which sometimes they are 
guilty of, that I tremble with fear, lest the people should be 
convinced of the truth ; but these are favorable times, gen- 
tlemen, very favorable ; for the greater part of the people 
have something else to think of, when they go to church, 
besides either preaching or prayer. 

\Yhen I hear the parson, whether churchman or dissenter, 
telling his people how holy and pure the heart of man is by 
nature ; how aptly formed for sentiments of the mor;t exalt- 
ed piety, and for entertain h]g the love of God ; I am wonder- 
fully at a loss to know, how he came by more extensive 
knowledge of mankind than Jesus Christ, who expressly 
taught, that whatsoever defileth the man proceeds out of the 
heart. Your influences, Fastosus, are of excellent use, in 
keeping them, where they are ; you take care to persuade 
each of them separately, that of all others his own know- 
ledge is the most refined ; and hence it is, that Goodwin, 



or DTZvi-Ls. 257 

Owen, Charnock, and all sach authors, are considered as 
weak though well-meaning divines. 

It is very diverting to hear my parsons boasting of their 
superior knowledge, even when by their ministrations it is 
plain, that they are acquainted with almost any writings, 
better than those of inspiration ; when their auditories 
dwindle away to nothing, and the few people who abide 
by them are destitute of all religion. Did they but know 
half as much as the most illiterate devil of our fra.ternity, 
they would at least believe, that there may be a possibility 
of their mistakmg the w^ay, and that, after all their preten- 
sions to a superior knowledge, they may run some risk of 
a final miscarriage. But, as our good friends, the Roman 
doctors, are wont to say, Ignorance is the mother of de- 
votion ;" so say I of my parsons, " Ignorance is the spring 
of all their knowledge ;" and whilst my father Infidelis can 
keep them ignorant, my uncle Fastosas can easily puff them 
up with a sense of the clearness of their heads, and goodness 
of their hearts ; so that I can do very well with them., and 
retain them, amongst our worshippers. 

The next company in our corporation is that of the 
straining landlords, a very noble and reputable company in- 
deed ; notwithstanding, they are far from being opulent. In 
the days of yore, v/hen luxury was but little in vogue, the 
freeholders were attended with fewer w^ants, and, of course, 
this com.pany was less flourishing ; but since these happy 
days comm.enced, in which people of quality are trained up 
in absolute idleness and diesipEiticn : in w^iich virtue is of 
no account, and luxury, pride, and dissoluteness are arrived 
at their zenith, the people of quality are amazingly poor, 
and are attended with an undescribable train of necessities. 
What is very remarkable, their pride has grov.Ti in a per- 
fect proportion to their poverty, so that ncv7 it is an estab- 
lished law amongst them, to look upon themselves as of a 
different blood from the rest of mankind. Indeed you can- 
not affront a person of quality wcree, that by likening him 
to one of those, who are called vulgar creatures ; notwith- 
standing, by the v/ay, it is those same vulgar creatures 
which enable persons of rank and fish ion to support the 
dignity of their statioD ; and weie there no vulgar crea- 
tures, there would also ba no ladies of quality. 

This distinctioB, which the qualitv pav to themselves, is 
W2 



258 



DIALOGUES 



of the utmost use in my admraistration, as will appear from 
the follov/ing story. 

I went, one day, to the house of Sir Fop Mortalis, a very 
famous gentleman in the country, with a design to pay my 
devoirs to madam Mortalis, his lady ; a gentlewoman, who 
abhors to have the least comparison made betwixt her and 
any person of inferior rank. The chambermaid informed 
her mistress, that good Mr. Prudence waited below, de- 
siring to speak with her ladyship, if convenient. The lady 
soon descended, and, compliments passed on either side, she 
conducted me into her parlor, where she and I had the fol- 
lowing dialogue. 

Lady. Good Mr. Prudence, you Iiave been a very great 
stranger. It is many months since I saw you at our house ; 
but I am glad to see you now, and I w^ish in my heart Sir 
Fop Mortalis had been at home. 

Prudence. Urgent business, madam, demands my attend- 
ance so much elsewhere, that I cannot so frequently as I 
could w^ish, pay my respects to Sir Fop and my lady Mor- 
talis, But now, madam, I am come, if possible, to rectify a 
growing nnstake amonf;':st mankind ; and must tell your 
ladyship, that I am heartily sorry to see tiie world arrived 
at such a pitch of ambitioo as it is now. Indeed, my lady^ 
it is become a very difficult matter, in a concoarse of people, 
to distinguish between the farmers' and tradesmen's wives, 
and ladies of birth and fortune; nor can we more easily dis- 
tinguish between their several children. Why, madam, 
the farmers' and tradesmen's children are all masters and 
misses, young gentlemen and ladies, now-a-daj^s. I know 
not, for my part, what the world will come to, if some mea- 
sures are not speedily taken to prevent the confounding of 
ba-seness with dignity. 

Vv^hen I was last at church, I was surprised to see, as I 
thought, Miss Mortalis, your daughter, there ; well know- 
ing that neither Sir Fop himself, nor any of his family, go 
often to any place of public v/orship. Because you know, 
my lady, few of you great folks love the tedious duties of 
religion. 

Lady. Not we, indeed. Give us the cards, or musical 
entertainments, for our money. We hate their whining, 
doleful cant. Let them choose religion wlv jiave taste for 



OP DEVILS. 



>59 



nothing more polite. W e Vv^ill have none of it, I assure you, 
Mr. Prudence. 

Prudence. I know it, my lady, I know it, and am mightily 
pleased with your determination. But, as I was telling your 
ladyship, being at church, as soon as service was over, I said 
to a man, Vvho sat in the pew with me, ' I am surprised to 
see Miss Mortalis at church to-day. Do you think, sir, that 
anybody has b^ii daring enough to tell her that she really 
is a miortal l' To Vv'hich the plain countryman, in his own 
clownish way, replied, ' Miss Mortalis at church ! quoth-a : 
no, no, sir, you are quite mistaken ; for Sir Fop's family are 
people of quality, and therefore meddle none with religion. 
What should they do at church, seeing they fear no hell, 
regard not God, and believe not in the devil. As for heaven. 
Sir Fop is willing to leave that to the poor, and desires no 
greater happiness for himself and his, than is implied in an 
earldom.' 

Lady. That is, indeed, Vv^hat Sir Fop has long been so- 
liciting, and it is believed is now very near obtaining. 

Prudence. Bat I said to the fellow, Pray v/ho is that 
young lady, whom I took for Miss Mortalis ] Poh, lady ! 
quoth-a, wliy, 'tis Jolui Tillground's daughter, o' the Five 
Elms. Tillground's daughter ! said I ; you surprise me. She 
is as finely drest as I have seen Miss Mortalis, when going 
to a ball. And pray, continued I, Vviio is yonder lady, with 
the French head-dress and furred cardinal ] I thought you 
had no people of quality in this parish besides Sir Fop's 
family. No, sir, returned he, we have none, who are such 
by birth ; but we have many who are quality by their dress. 
The lady, sir, that you inquire after, is Mrs. Watson, the 
landlady at the Three Tuns. 

Well, madaui, I followed them out of church, and was 
amazed to see the plaitings of hair, the tires of ruffles, and 
the labyrinthian furbeloes, with which the women were de- 
corated. Indeed, my lady, if the world holds on but a few 
j^ears, in its present career, we shall not be able to distin- 
guish betvv ixt the highest and the lowest ranks of people. 

Lady. To be sure, sir, the world is now at a sad pitch of 
pride and ambition ; for people of fashion can do nothing as 
to dress, gesture, manner of speech, or living, but we are 
mimicked by those vulge.r creatures. 

Prudence, It must undoubtedly be considered as an in- 



260 



DIALOGUES 



sufferable insult upon people of breeding, when they are 
thus taken off by the vulgar. But, madam, I have a scheme 
to propose, which, if adopted, will eiFectually correct their 
insoience, and soon oblige John Tillground and Timothy 
Turf's daughters to lay aside their furbeloes, ruffies, and 
tea-table, and betake themselves to their spinning-wheels. 

Lady. What is iti I pray you, good Mr. Prudence, be 
so obliging ; T beg you would, sir. 

Prudence. Indeed, madam, your farmers are all become 
gentlemen of late. They talk of fortunes for their children, 
and consider themselves as very little inferior to the 'Squire 
himself But let me tell you, madam, the fault is not so 
much in the farmers as in the landlords themselves, who let 
then' farms upon terms by far too low and easy. There is 
this same John Tillground, and his neighbor Timothy Turf, 
as I am informed, have both of them money lying at inter- 
est, when my worthy and right honorable lord Noble, a gen- 
tleman of the first quality, is obliged to pawn his plate for 
cash, to pay off the four thousand pounds he lost the other 
night at cards; and whilst his gentle neighbor, 'Squire Fitz- 
folly, is obliged to fell his timber, to stop tlie horrid gap 
which his malevolent stars opened at Newmarket races, 
w^here the gamblers of rank and quality occasionally try 
their fortune. 

It is insufferable, madam, that the farmers' circumstances 
should be easy, whilst people of fashion know not how to 
keep off the duns from their doors. What right has any- 
body to any thing besides slavery, except people of quality ] 
Were not those vulgar creatures originally designed as your 
slaves, madam ] And yet, for any thing I see, they will soon 
be on a level with you, unless some method, lucky enough 
to prevent it, is speedily devised. 

Lady. Ah, sir, I fear it indeed. If you do knov/ of any 
suitable means to prevent it, I beg, good Mr. Prudence, you 
will inform me. 

Prudence. There is only one w^ay that I know of, madam , 
and that is to raise their rents to the uttermost. As every lease 
expires, it will be an easy matter for Sir Fop, in the renewal 
of it, to advance the rent as high as he pleases. The slaves 
dare not go away ; and if they should, there v/ill be others 
foolish enough to agree to any terms, rather than miss a 
farm. This done, and all your tenants settled upon the 



OF DEVILS. 



261 



racked farms, if any of them happens to rear a handsome 
colt, let Sir Fop himself, or young master, fall in love with 
it, demand it of its owner for so much, never exceeding half 
its value ; he mjay privately grumble, but dare not refuse, 
for fear of offending his honor. By these means, and others, 
which occasion will suggest, you may make them all hum- 
ble enough. 

Lady. Most excellently spoken, good Mr. Prudence. Then 
Tillground's wife will be obliged to sell her chinaware, to 
procure rags for her brats ; the daughter must take to her 
wheel and wash-tub, and my son, miaster Thomas, will ride 
a better horse than he now does. This scheme will cer- 
tainly conquer the ambition of the farmers ; but will it do 
for the tradesmen, good Mr. Prudence 1 they will still con- 
tinue an eyesore. 

Prudence. Indeed, madam, the same scheme will pro- 
duce very humbling effects upon tradesmen of every kind ; 
though I dare not assert, that you will ever be able perfectly 
to subject to your ambition and avarice, that honorable body 
of merchants, whom you aflectedly call cits. No, madam, 
I am afraid that nobility itself must give place to the public 
spirit of the merchant ; yet even them you may greatly in- 
jure, and prevent their being of such essential service to 
their country, as otherwise they might be. But as to inland 
trade, by racking your tenants in the manner prescribed, 
you may absolutely destroy it. That you may see the utility 
of my scheme, I shall a little explain it to your ladyship. 

If the farmers are racked to the utmost, they Vv'ill be 
obliged to sell the produce of their lands at an exorbitant 
price, otherwise it v/ill be altogether out of their power to 
pav the stipulated rent. And besides selling their crops, 
&c. for an advanced price, they will be obliged to abridge 
the wages of all their laborers, smiths, carpenters, &:c. 

By these means the farmer will find it difficult to live, 
and of course will rarely visit the mercer's and draper's 
! shops ; and as for his laborers and workmen, they will find 
I but little money to lay out in clothes, especially if their 
\ children be numerous, as the demands of the back must al- 
\ ways give place to the louder calls of the belly. And as 
you know, my lady, sterility very rarely dwells in the labor- 
er's cottage, it is unknown what misery you m.ay happily 
introduce amongst them, by the scheme proposed. The 



262 



DIALOGUES 



draper's goods will lie upon his hands, unless indeed he is 
pleased to give credit to the poor; if the former, he will be 
sparmg of his orders ; and if the latter, we shall soon have 
him a bankrupt, so that he v/ill be effectually ruined. 

You see, madam, that here we affect the manufacturer, 
equally with the farmer and shopkeeper : for when the re- 
tail trade is ruined by the dearness of the provisions, the 
manufacturer will find little call for his goods ; the issue of 
which will be, the disbanding of many of his journeymen, 
and abridging the wages of the rest. The disbanded jour- 
neymen, being incapable of finding employment, and not 
having learned the art of living, like the cameleon, on the 
air, will be driven to thieving, by which means America 
will be peopled, and Tyburn Chronicle rendered respect- 
able. 

As to the manufacturer himself, his capital being soon 
converted into m.anufactured goods, he will be obliged to 
sell them under their value, that he may keep up his credit 
with the merchant, and be able to carry on a little trade, 
vainly hoping that times m^ay alter f^r the better. 

Lady. Indeed, sir, your scheme is very feasible ; and yet 
there is one thing that will put the manufacturer absolutely 
out of our power. I mean, sir, the exportation of their 
manufactures. I do not know how it is, but these cits of 
merchants can send goods anywhere, and they, sir, will sup- 
port the manufacturer. 

Prudence. No, madam, I assure you, my scheme, if cor- 
dially adopted, and executed with vigor, will put it abso- 
lutely out of the merchant's power. There is nothing can 
recommend the English manufacture at a foreign m.arket, 
but the price being inferior to that of other nations. Now, 
if an Englishman must pay twice as dear for his provision 
in his own country, as a i^renchman does in his, it is easy 
to see that either journeymen's w^ages must, in England, be 
double to what they are in France, or the journeymen imist 
starve; which few Englishmen are fond of doing. The 
consequence of this is, the French maanufacturer can send 
his goods to a foreign market upon better terms than an 
Englishman, and, of course, destroy all the foreign trade of 
the English nation. Thus, madam, I have pointed out a 
method by v/hich you people of fashion, in order to support 
your own grandeur, may suck the blood of all inferior ranks 



OF DEVILS. 



263 



of people, and make the British subjects absolutely slaves, 
even in a country which boasts its freedom. Nay, more, 
this is a method by which you may ruin the most flourish- 
ing nation in the world. 

Lady. Spoke like an angel, good Mr. Prudence. I pro- 
test, upon honor, I will not sleep until I have consulted Sir 
Fop on the matter. 

AvARO. I took my leave of her ladyship, who could not 
rest until she had communicated the matter to her acquaint- 
ance, and they to their acquaintances, and so they again to 
theirs, that it had very soon made the tour of Great Britain 
an:l Ireland; an ordmance was instituted, in the company 
of avaricious landlords, that in every future lease, the farm- 
ers should be racked to the last extremity. This ordinance 
has been universally complied with, by the whole company; 
so that there is reason to hope, in time, all the blessed con- 
sequences proposed, will arise from it, as you see to what 
an exorbitant price all manner of provisions is already ar- 
rived. What may not be expected from such hopeful be- 
ginnings ] 

Fastosus. a noble company indeed, and near akin to 
our destroying clan. And yet many of them set up for pa- 
triots, even when they are drawing ruin upon the nation, 
by their pride, luxury, and avarice. 



DIALOGUE XVin. 

ALL THE BIALOGEANS PRESENT. 

Fastosus. No, Avaro ; know assuredly that you are not 
more in esteem with the Dutch than myself. It were 
strange, indeed, if I had no concern with Mynheer. 

Avaro. Indeed, sir, to see Mynheer equipped in his holi- 
day clothes, he makes pretty near as awkward an appear- 
ance as a Laplander; and one v/ould certainly conclude, 
that he is a perfect stranger to courtly Fastosus. But all 
the world knows, that Avaro is a very respectable person- 
age in Holland. 
^ Fastosus. I told you before, cousin, that you have an 



DIALOGUES 



Ugly way of encroaching upon your neighbor's right. I do 
not like it cousin, and will assert my dominion. Do you 
think that Mynheer is not full as proud of his multiplicity 
of garments, as an English hero is of his scarlet and lace ] 
Or, that he is not the best fellow who can wear the great- 
est numbers of pairs of breeches ] I assert, there may be as 
much pride under a Dutchman's cap, as under a Scotch 
bonnet, or even under a Frenchman's hat; notwithstanding 
there is a very great difference between the first and the 
last. The first, you know, is a fixed ponderous substance, 
and the last is mutable, as the weathercock on the top of 
St. Peter's. Yes, Avaro, I may assert farther, that there 
may be as much pride under a red cap, as under the coro- 
net of a peer, or even under the mitre of an archbishop. 

Infidelis. That Avaro is in high esteem in the Nether- 
lands, will not be denied ; but to suppose Fastosus excluded 
from any people whatever, is highly dishonoring : therefore, 
my son, you must learn to be more cautious, and, for the 
present, to make atonement for your error, proceed with 
your account of your corporation. 

Avaro. If to retract an error, and endeavor in future to 
oblige, will procure forgiveness, it shall be done. In order 
to which you will please to observe that the 

Fourth Company of my corporation, is that of the letter 
retailers, otherwise called mercenary scribblers, and false 
publishers. The transcribers and abridgers of other men's 
works, and especially those whose sole aim is to get money 
by their writings, are free of this company and on the 
livery. 

To give you a proper idea of which, I shall read you a 
letter, which I stole the other night, from the chairman of a 
reading society in the country, designed to be sent to the 
Reviewers, critical and monthly. 
Gentlemen, 

We are w^hat country people call a reading society, into 
which we had formed ourselves some years before the first 
Review made its public appearance. We had not long 
taken in books, before we found several articles of our pur- 
chase to be stolen from other authors ; and but very few of 
our titular authors, had either honor or honesty enough, to 
inform the public from what sources they compiled their 
volumes. We would advise all writers to live upon their 



OF DEVILS. 



265 



own proper genius, deeming it pity that pilferers should be 
suffered in the republic of letters. At the last meeting of 
our club, this question was put and canvassed, " What can 
induce one writer to steal from another 1" 

To this important question, one replied one thing, and 
another said what he could to confute it, as every member 
was willing to display his abilities ; at last, Dick Keene, a 
testy kind of youth, but of good sense, gave us the follow- 
ing' satisfactory answer. 

a Very probably, said master Dick, some authors may 
steal from others, for the same reason, which that cele- 
brated fool of old had, who burnt himself and the temple 
together, in order to perpetuate his name. There are 
authors endued with the same laudable ambition, who, not 
being happy enough to be born free in the literary republic, 
are obliged to stoop to dishonest measures, in order to grati- 
fy their ambition. Their geniuses (if it be lawful to speak 
of their geniuses) being destitute of every prolific principle, 
and their fancies fixed as the Pyrenean or the Alps, they 
cannot possibly gain repute but on the credit of their pre- 
decessors. Therefore, what frugal nature, and Gamaliel 
have withheld, must be supplied by industrious freedom; 
and as the end proposed, must, at all events, be obtained, 
honor, truth, and honesty, smoke at once on the altar of am- 
bition. To work goes the writer, plunders every volume in 
his own and his patron's library, at last completes his 
scheme; and lo! we have an entire new work, by the 
learned Mr. Dunce. x\nd so it comes to pass, that we, the 
honest purchasers, pay three or four times over for the 
same matter; and perhaps, in almost the same manner 
likewise. 

" There are others, who, as a just judgment on their for- 
mer indolence and extravagance, are now condemned to 
live upon their wit; which being dull and tardy, somewhat 
akin to the brain of an ass, of itself can afford but a very 
penurious table, and uncomfortable lodging. Bitten with 
hunger, the unhappy man is obliged to steal where he can, 
and then sell his ill-gotten collection to the bookseller, in 
order to procure a good holiday dinner. The bookseller, I 
believe, is pretty well convinced of the truth of my re- 
marks, as he has paid for his connexion with literary 
thieves, 

X 



26G 



BiALOGUE^'S 



" Of these two kinds of pilferers, in my humble opinloi?, 
the latter is by far the most excusable. He cannot work, he 
is ashamed to beg, therefore must either steal or starve. 
What can he steal with more safety than the works of the 
learned ? in my opinion, there is no more danger in robbing 
a gentleman of his literary honor, than for a statesman to 
rob his mother country : few such thieves are conducted, by 
the county officers, to Tyburn. O solemn tree, what frauds 
are committed against thee ! Of how many necks, equi- 
tably thine, art thou cheated annually !" 

It was now Bill Candor, a good-natured youth, interrupt* 
ed him, thinking his reflections somewhat severe. Hold ! 
Mr. Keene, I think your reasoning is too full of acrimony. 
If all transcripts, extracts, and abridgements, were to be 
suppressed, it would be a very great loss to the public. 
Those men, therefore, who take the trouble of such a ser- 
vice, deserve open acknowledgment, for raising up valuable 
authors from the vaults of oblivion, instead of being lashed 
with the rod of merciless satire." To which Dick replied : 

" That many ancient writings are truly w^orthy of being' 
introduced to public view, I am so far from denying, that I 
should deem it truly laudable, for any gentleman of capaci- 
ty and leisure, to draw forth the remains of antiquity from 
the cells of obscurity, and should be one of the first to vote 
him the most public thanks. But I would have it done in 
such a manner, as to come within the reach of the middle 
classes of people, amongst whom the bulk of all sorts of 
readers are found. Moreover, I would have all writings on 
religious subjects so contrived, as to come within the reach 
of the poor, for who else give themselves any trouble about 
religion, or have any pleasure in serious writings? If a 
commentary on the Bible must go beyond the extent of 
their finances, it might as well be locked up in Pool's Sy- 
nopsis, where it was before the commentary was written. 
Opulent tradesmen, you know, are such slaves to the laws 
of getting, that they have no time to read, and therefore 
may prudently avoid purchasing. And people of fashion are 
generally perfectly satisfied with having such or such books 
in their libraries, without so much as looking farther into 
them than the title-pages. Surely, gentlemen, no man is to 
be vindicated in making merchandise of his neighbor's ge- 
nius." 



OF DEVILS. 



267 



Here he concladed, and we were soon convinced, that there 
was much weight in his reasoning. We must beg leave to 
tell you, gentlemen, that when your worships erected your 
tribunal, and every a^uthor was summoned to appear before 
you, we flattered a hope, that all pilferers Vv^ould have fled 
out of the republic of letters. But alas ! we have been hith- 
erto disappointed, and in reality, they seem to be on the in- 
crease, so that a m.an can hardly claim personal right to a 
single idea, how justly soever it may be his property. 

We earnestly beg that you, gentlem.en, will be obliging 
enough to publish your aversion to this craft; to command 
all who are destitute both of fortune and genius to reconcile 
themselves to their destiny, and show their submission to 
the higher powers, by learning some handicraft business, by 
which they may gain an honest living. There are a thou- 
sand ways to live in this world, if that of an author were to 
cease. For instance, there is carrying a musket, or beating 
a drum by land, and furling the sails by sea, either of which 
are honorable employments, when com.pared with that of 
book-stealing. 

As we know not to whom we can apply, with any degree 
of success, but to yourselves, we must farther beg, that you 
w^ill not only detect the theft when you meet with it, but do 
as the worthy inhabitants of St. Giles's do on similar occa- 
sions. That is, pursue the delinquent with a Stop thief! 
Stop thief! Indeed, gentlemen, it will not lessen you in the 
public esteem, should you commence even literary thief 
catchers. Should it please you to comply with our request, 
we doubt not but the streets which lead to places of public 
resort, will in a few yea^rs be well lined with many authors, 
having assumed the more honorable employment of a beggar. 

Thus the imposts v/ould be taken off from the studious ; 
real authors would preserve their honor, no one daring to 
invade their rights, for fear of exposing themselves to public 
infamy. Perhaps that most villanous of all practices may 
be put a stop to ; vve mean the vending of cloudy comment- 
aries on the Bible. Fev/ people, we should think, w^ould be 
fond of purchasing such books, after they are informed that 
most of the materials are stolen. Effectually to put a stop 
to this iniquitous practice, we would recommend the public 
cation of the above named Synopsis in English, and then 



288 



DIALOGUES 



every reader may take what human sense of the divine 
word he pleases. We are, gentlemen, your most humble 
servants, 

A Reading Society. 

Fastosus. Indeed, cousin, I think the request of that 
society reasonable enough, and ought to be granted : for, as 
the world now goes, it is a difficult matter for a man to 
know to whom he is obliged, for any profitable hint he meets 
with in the course of his reading. And flimsy as modern 
productions in general are, there is now and then a profita- 
ble hint to be met with. But when any thing of a recom- 
mendatory quality happens to emerge from the teeming press, 
the whole race of catch-penny imitators swarm about it, 
and gobble it up, then spew it out, as if it were their own. 
However, cousin, it must be owned, that there are some of 
your mercenary scribblers, who are much more honorable 
than others ; and let the public know% that what they write 
is not the fruit of their own genius, but is borrowed from 
this or that respectable author, under pretence of making it 
more public, on account of its great excellency. They de- 
sire not to rob the author of his honor ! All they deem ne- 
cessary, is a loan of his genius to supply the defects of their 
own, and to help them a little forward in the world. 

Bat of all writers, commend me to polemic divines. O ! 
it would be a pleasure to the devil himself, to see v;ith 
what dexterity they put off their own anger, under the 
name of zeal for God; just as the industrious tradesmen of 
Birmingham do their manufacture for the coin of the nation. 
It is amazing to think how Protestant ministers can lug the 
Almighty into both sides of their quarrel : and how they 
w^ould make the world believe that their cause is the cause 
of heaven, and that they have got authority to dispense the 
curses of the Most High. Nothing can be more pleasing, 
than to see men of wisdom and religion, vigorously contend- 
ing for their own honor, and at the same time making the 
public believe they have nothing in view but the Redeem- 
er's glory. And I assure you, it is not every divine, even 
of great parts, who takes time to distinguish between the 
glory of God and his own reputation. 

Next to this, I am delighted to see men of learning and 



or DEVILS, 



269 



religion, bickering with each other about subjects which the 
greatest of all apostles would not presume to pry into. But 
we havo divines so expert, that they understand what never 
was revealed ; and so zealous that they will oblige others to 
have the same degree of intelligence with themselves, under 
pain of their implacable displeasure; and yet they are the 
true ministers of the meek and loving Savior. But a very 
few are to be met with, who have humility enough to sub- 
mit to the simplicit}^ of scripture. Hovrever, cousin, although 
I love to set forth my own powerful influence, I would not 
willingly prevent your proceeding with yot^r story. ]\Iean- 
while, I want you to be more explicit, w^ith regard to your 
company of letter venders. Do you m.ean by them printers 
in general 1 

AvARO. No, gentlemen, I do not mean, either all the 
booksellers or printers. Printing has been to mankind one 
of the greatest of all temporal blessings ; and will, I much 
fear, be the total ruin of the kingdom of darkness ; as, wher- 
ever the freedom of the press is suffered, it carries reforma- 
tion along with it. But, amongst those concerned in literary 
affairs, there are many villanous people, Vvho, when their 
trade runs low, take up with printing corruy^ting novels, such 
as the Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure ; blasphemous plays, 
such as Sammy Foote's Minor; schismatic harangues, like 
the greater part of political essays; vain disputes about 
things of trivial import, &c. All such, and m.any such there 
be, we rank with the false publishers, because truth and 
falsehood are, with them, of equal value, and their choice is 
fixed by Vv'hat will serve a present turn. The patriotic al- 
derman is a leading man in this learned company. He has 
not learned so little by the gift of second-sight, which he 
has had from his cradle, as not to know, that more than truth 
is indispensably necessary, to support some particular per- 
sonal characters. Besides, there are others, who vvill sell 
both soul and body to the father of lies, in defence of some 
particular state : and others, to ruin some public character. 
The celebra^ted Mr. Maubert, of Brussels, is a great man in 
this wa}^ 

Free of this company, are another set of men, im.placable 
" enemies to honest industry, who live altogether by their w^it ; 
appear in all shapes and characters, and stick at nothing to 
cret monev. Although these neople have nothino; but gri, 
X2 ' ^ ^ 



270 



DIALOGUES 



mace to sell, (through a folly, formerly almost peculiar to 
the metropolis, but now diffusing itself everywhere) they 
have, for six months in the year, a very plentiful market; 
and many, who would suffer the miserable to perish unre- 
lieved at their gates, w^ill liberally contribute to support the 
luxury and libertinism of the players. In the days of yore, 
the devil Proteus was, but now David Garrick, Esq. is, their 
foreman ; a fast friend to our government, and a faithful 
disciple of careful Avaro. 

DiscoRDANS. I think you must be mistaken now, cousin ; 
for the end of all theatrical entertainments, which I perceive 
you have in view^, is the exposing of vice and reformation 
of manners : consequently, their design was originally re- 
ligious. 

Avaro. I allow, that in the darkness of paganism, the 
ancients had a religious design, in exhibitions of the stage; 
but what of that] They had hkewise a religious design, in 
passing their childi'en through the fire to Moloch. I allow, 
farther, that in the days of monkish ignorance, these blink- 
ing priests made use of the stage to convey their instruc- 
tions ; but then it ought to be observed that the same fathers 
were equally pious and devout, in persecuting the best of 
men. So then, cousin, the one is as much authorized by 
ancient practice as the other. Indeed, when you consider 
that the stage is peopled by extravagant, spendthrift gentle- 
men, broken tradesmen and lazy mechanics, who always 
were avowed enemies to moral integrity, they will appear 
to be a very unpromising race of reformers. 

Should you follow them from the stage to their lodgings, 
and trace their steps through the lanes of private life, you 
would soon be convinced, that Sir John Fielding's runners 
bid' mnch more fair than they, for reforming the manners 
of the people. And you know, the said runners have never 
as yet been considered as the most respectable characters. 
Surely it most be thought requisite in those who set up for 
. reformers of others, that, in some tolerable degree, they 
should moralize themiselves. 

DifscoRDAKs. I knov/ it, cousin ; and I thwarted you on 
purpose, to see how you could justify your claim upon the 
gentry of the stage ; and must confess you have done it to 
my satisfaction. I am highly pleased with, the entertain- 
ments of the theatre myself, and am g-reatly delighted to 



OF DEVILS. 



271 



eee gentlemen and ladies crowd tu ilieni. Gentry, who 
Vv'ould worship God in neither church nor meeting-house, 
can be devout enough to attend the theatres, in Covent Gar- 
den and the Hay Market. It is truly pleasing to see gen- 
tlemen and ladies, who cannot possibly find money to pay 
OiT their tradesmen's bills, find plenty of cash to purchase 
playhouse tickets. 

Infidelis. As we came along, cousin Discordans, you 
mentioned some sport you lately bad with two female com- 
panions. Pray, what of them ] 

Disc3RDANS. You must know, Leonora and Matilda have 
been intmiate from their infancy ; and, as such, continued 
their friendship even to mature life : but, when both be- 
came wives and mothers, I taught them to behave more in- 
consistently than they did when they were children. Ma- 
tilda, being quite fatigued Vv^ith domestic concerns, for atten- 
tion to which her mind is not very happily turned, resolved 
one day to spend an afternoon with her friend Leonora. When 
she went, she found her exceedingly depressed and hysterical, 
by no means in a talkative humor ; a circumstance which 
frequently happens to the ladies of middle rank, ever since 
luxury and idleness became so prevalent am.ongst them. 

Matilda, not being sufficiently skilled in physiognomy, 
to read the sentiments of the heart by the position of the 
features of the countenance, was led into a mistake, which 
proved fatal to their friendship. She discovered, or thought 
. she discovered an unusual and unexpected shyness run 
through every part of Leonora's conduct ; which discovery 
proved no slight mortification to her ov/n sensibility. Said 
she to herself ' Well, Leonora, I perceive, notwithstanding 
all your form.al civility, that my company is not the object 
of your present desire. I Vv^sh I had been avvare of it in 
time ! Then, I assure you, my presence should not have 
drawn a cloud over that settled countenance of yours. But, 
indeed, madam, let my company be ever so disagreeable to 
you, yours, I assure you, is now very little more pleasant to 
me.' 

Whilst she w^as meditating some plausible pretext for 
withdrawing, the tea was unhappily brought in, which pre- 
- eluded her removal for a little while longer. Thus con- 
] strained by decency to stay, her glowing resentment of the 
supposed slight, forbid her to taste a morsel of the toast, or 



272 



DIALOGUES 



to drink above two dishes of tea. Having fniished, she pre- 
tended she must retire on some urgent business, which had 
just occurred to her mind, (for ladies will lie to serve a 
turn) and after a dry compliment or two she went off re- 
solved never to return. 

As she went along the streets, her wounded heart boiled 
with a thousand cogitations, how or when she had offended 
Leonora. 'What have I done, or said, that should have 
given her umbrage 1 I know of nothing : and therefore I 
care not for her anger. If people will be so odd in their 
temper, they must even come to themselves at their leisure. 
And so your servant, Leonora.' 

Lnfidelis. That was a visit more innocent than m.any I 
have known, for I hear nothing of slander, or defamation of 
absent characters, carried on in it, which ver}^ rarely hap- 
pens to be neglected in female visits. 

DiscoRDANS. True, sir, but the matter did not end here. 
Poor Matilda, being unable to bear the conceived slight, 
made free to call on Letitia, on her Vv^ay home, that she 
might give a little vent to her turbulent passions. Letitia, 
being as destitute of innate ideas, as she is of fidelity, readily 
listened to the plaintive account, hovv^ Matilda had been 
served ; v/ithout hesitation approved her departure, kindly 
fanned the flame of resentment, and at last advised her to 
let Leonora come to herself when she should find it conve- 
nient. 

Matilda had not been long gone, before Letitia, who 
burned with impatience to have a little tittle-tattle, went to 
Leonora, and set Mischief abroad v/ith her also. She told 
her all the former had said of her, and happily gave it such 
a turn as to render it very ofiensive, notwithstanding she 
kept strictly to the letter of truth. Some people are re- 
markably happy in talents of this kind : by their manner 
of representation, they can turn things quite from their nat- 
ural appearance, as I may perhaps show^ you in some future 
conference. Leonora could not but think herself very ill- 
used, and resolved, v/eakly as she was, that she should be a 
slave to nobody's temper, 

. When Matilda and Leonora met next time, being prepos- 
sessed with miUtual disgust, their compliments were dry 
and starched ; and each secretly blamed the indifference of 
the other. By this limG, I furnished each of them with a 



OF DEVILS. 



273 



telescope, by which they might thoroughly examine each 
other's conduct, and so reciprocally strict is their mutual 
watch, that nothing can escape them. Thus from the 
smallest beginning, founded too in misunderstanding, I 
raised perpetual disgust and enmity. Absurd and ridiculous 
as this is, I could point you out a thousand differences, 
sprung from incidents equally frivolous and unimportant. 
Indeed, if Freedom and Submission keep at a distance, I can 
blow up a flame of contention the most violent, from the 
smallest matters imaginable. And I thank my stars, Messrs. 
Freedom and Submission are in no great esteem with man- 
kind. But, wherever they come, they destroy my seeds, 
and effectually extinguish my flames, for they are irresisti- 
ble peace-makers. 

Fastosus. It is I, my son, who have brought those gen- 
tlemen into disrepute. I persuade people, it is beneath 
them to submit to their equals, how much soever they have 
been in the wrong. I have, ere now, persuaded one man 
to do all he could, to ruin the reputation of his neighbor in 
order to establish his own, when he found it in a tottering 
condition ; and that too amongst those who take themselves 
to be more righteous than others. 

DiscoRDANS. I have great pleasure, som.etimes, in making 
parents become the instruments of their children's ruin. 
Or, as some people say, to kill them with kindness. I 
make it my business to prejudice almost every parent, so far 
in favor of his children, that every one considers his own as 
the most witty and active ; or, to use the words of a good 
woman, concerning her son of two years old, the most man- 
ly of any child in the neighborhood, even as the crow con- 
ceives her own to be fairer than all the children of the 
feathered people. 

I shall trouble you but Vv^ith one instance, out of the mil- 
lions I might produce. Little master Jacky was one of 
those extraordinary children, whose almost every action 
was out of the common way, the wonder and admiration of 
his astonished parents. Jacky must not be chid, when he 
pinched, bit, or scratched his nurse, but must have his own 
pretty little humor ; it was even pleasing to see his lovely 
fist darted into his parents' faces. So, you may be sure, the 
child must not be suffered to cry upon any account, but 
Ddust always be indulged in whatever he wanted. Thus 



274 



DIALOGUES 



this extraordinary child, in vvliom, however, none besides his 
parents could see any thing out of the common way, not- 
witlistandin;T every visitor Vv^as plagued with the history of 
his wonderful feats, upon which his parents dwelt Vv^ith rap- 
tures ; — 1 say, Jacky found himself master of the whole 
family ; he acted accordingly, and took his way in every 
particular. 

By these means his tempers gained strength, so that they 
became habitual, not to be broken by ordinary means. 

When he got a few more years over his head, still grovv^- 
jng in his humor, the poor parents began to see and lament 
the errors of the^r former conduct. Too late: master Jacky 
being now in breeches and grown a great boy, will not 
readily give back that dominion they were pleased to put 
into his hands, when but in petticoats. He thinks it very 
hard he should not choose for himself now he is ten, as well 
as when he was but three years old ; rightly judging, that 
he was not more wise then than he is now ; and if they 
thought him fit to be all their masters then, he is sure that 
by this time he is much more fit to govern. 

Apprehensive now of the ruin of his son, the father ex- 
hibits exhortations, injunctions, reproofs, and threatenings, 
with great severity. In vain, for not being bended whilst 
tender and malleable, master's tempers are not now to be 
turned out of their native channel. As, in former times, I 
plied the parents, in prejudice of their darling, it was now 
time to ply him also in his turn. I furnished him a pair of 
glasses, and directed him in the use of them ; and now the 
youth began to reason upon his father's conduct. 

" What a change is this come to my father ? Once he was 
something like good-natured, but now he is the most self- 
willed and rigorous man in the world. Surely no reason- 
able person would impose such laws upon his children as he 
does on me ; laws, such as nobody of any spirit would submit 
to. I was formerly his pretty lad, his good boy, and every 
thing I did v/as right. Times are strangely changed ; for 
now I can do nothing to please him. I could have had what 
I would, and gone where I pleased ; but now I am perplexed 
with warm exhortations, which I hear unreasonably frequent; 
and can go nowhere, v/ithout his leave, as if I had no more 
sense now, than Vv^hen I was little. His reproofs are too 
harsh ; I hear of nothing but my stvibbornnegs and wicked* 



OF DEVIL/.^. 



275 



iiess • of his and my mother's sorrow ; and of breakmg their 
hearts, on my account. I should break none of their hearts, 
I assure them, if they would let me alone. 

" Cannot my father and mother grieve for themselves, and 
not teaze me about their trouble ] I am no worse than my 
neighbors ; though, by their account, 1 might be the wick- 
edest wretch that ever lived. It is not enough that I must go 
to church on holidays, but we must have lectures on divinity 
at home ; and for me, T am roundly told, that if I go on as ] 
do, I must certainly perish. Yes, I must even be dammed 
and go to hell. Old people are surely very conceited ; I 
will w^arrant me they think they are so very good, they are 
sure to go to heaven. It is a, brave thing to have a good 
opinion of one's self, which surely must be their case, or 
they would never plague me thus with their repeated lec- 
tures. Well, for my own part, I am not so vain, and yet I 
think I am in no greater danger than they are. When they 
were young, I dare say, they loved pleasure as well as me ; 
but now they get old and cannot relish it themselves, they 
would absurdly restrain me from it. Reasonable parents 
ought not to form their commands upon what they now are, 
but what they were when of my age. But I am determined 
to submit to no such government. I will even take my 
pleasure whilst I can have it, and let them grieve on if they 
choose." 

Thus, gentlemen, I persuade many to lay up future afflic- 
tions for themselves, in the early ruin of their children, by 
over-indulgence. I say, early ruin ; for, if little m.aster is 
not taught to submit to government whilst in petticoats, it is 
much if he ever learns submission after he is in breeches. 
He who always had his own way when but an infant, will take 
it very ill to be restrained when he rises towards manhood.* 
Yet some, yea many parents, wnll let their children do as 
they please, whilst but little, and increase in their strictness 
as they advance in years, so that they become mutual afflic- 
tions to each other. In manhood you know children should 
be used by their parents as friends and confidants, instead 
of being kept at an awful distance. Yet those very parents, 
who have laid the foundation of their son's ruin, by early in- 
dulgence in his infancy, very often complete it by unseason- 



* Vide Locke on Education, 



lilALOGUES 



able strictness over him, when he is verging towards man's 
estate. Yoa know parents should always act, so as that their 
company shall never be burdensome to their children. But 
I shall become a moralist if I go on thus. 

Impiator. Many such youths as master Jacky fall into 
my hands. If once they can, by any means, be brought to 
despise reproof, I reckon myself quite sure of them ; and 
when they come, I commonly employ them in my deepest 
mines. 

Infidelis. It is always a hopeful sign, when the heart is 
hardened against reproof If a young one can be brought 
to despise the commands, reproofs, and advice of his parents, 
he bids fair for being one of the devils' companions for ever ; 
and, indeed, nothing but the grace of God can prevent it. 
It is very agreeable to us to see how happily successful our 
influences are over mankind, especially in Britain. There, 
many parents bring up their children, just as if they de- 
signed them purposely for the devil. I have great hopes of 
the next generation, gentlemen. 

Discord ANS. I make myself very merry with the ladies, 
in another way, which also turns eventually to everlasting 
separation. I join a little knot of them together so closely 
for a time, that they cannot be separated, nor bear to be 
asunder for a day together. I prejudice them so strongly 
for a while in each other's favor, that they show a manifest 
slight to those who are not happy enough to be admitted into 
their society. Family necessity, and every domestic duty, 
must give place to their firm attachment to one another. 
When they get together for a little chit-chat, they are as 
happy as the birds in May ; not only examine every absent 
character, within the circle of their acquaintance, and report 
to each other all the evil they know of their own sex : but 
each dwells severally upon the excellencies or failings of 
her husband ; who is, at one tim.e, the best of men, at an- 
other time the worst, just as her ladyship happens to be in a 
good or bad humor with him. Thus they go on, until every 
one is fully acquainted with the family affairs of the rest, 
and thus they bring themselves into the power of one anotherr 
This is the zenith of that happiness to which I am to bring 
them; for even the devil will give present happiness, in 
order to introduce future pain and sorrow ; and I assure you, 



or DEVILS. 



277 



I am too much akin to my worthy gTandfather, to suffer that 
felicity to go long uninterrupted. 

First, I sow a spirit of jealousy among them : says Chloe, 
"Delia seems more attached to Phiiiis than to myself or 
Lucia ; Portia is never happy but when her and Arabella 
are together." And so, round the whole club, the spirit of 
jealousy happily operates, and gathe:-^ '-trength by every 
day's duration. 

It is not to be thought that a whole society, who can cor- 
dially join in picking holes, according to the old proverb, in 
their neighbor's clothes, can long refrain from doing as much 
for one another. Now they begin to meet, two and two, ac- 
cording to their various attachments, and those tvv o wdio hap- 
pen to meet together, regale themselves with a very pleasant 
conversation, about the faults and w^eaknesses of those who 
are absent, and thus round the v/hole society they serve one 
another. By and by it is whispered Vv^hat Chloe said at such 
a place about Phillis ; what Lucia said of Arabella, &c. until 
I blow them all up in a pleasing flame of resentment ; and 
every one says the worst she knows of her neighbor, which 
commonly is a great deal. Out come personal faults along 
with family affairs, and a hundred etceteras, and those very 
ladies sit down, just as the devil would have them, in im,pla- 
cable hatred to each other. 

Infidelis. I pray, what do you smile at, x^varo? 

AvARO. I v/as thinking on an encounter I had with the 
devil Lunatic, whom I accidentally met last night, with his 
hair standing upright, and his eyes flamming with madness. 

Fastosus. And pray, v/here had that mad-brained devil 
been] What account could he give of himself? 

AvARO. He was quite snappish with me, and ran on in 
his discourse, as if he had been very angry. There, said he, 
is my father Infidelis, there is uncle Fastosus, they reign un- 
controlled over the greatest part of mankind ; they are ca- 
ressed, even adored, by the most respectable characters in 
both church and state. You yourself, grovelling as you are, 
reign an absolute monarch in the will and affections of many 
eminent personages ; but I am hackneyed by the basest, and 
when T have done, am denied the honor of my labors, and 
people are taught to believe that I reign only over the bed- 
lams, and other mad-houses of the world. Whereas I could 
make it appear to all the infernal divan, that there are people 



278 



DIALOGUES 



who go about at large, and are deemed in their perfect senses, 
more mad than any in bedlam. 

Well then, said I, brother fiend, stop and give me a sober 
account of your proceedings, and I assure you I shall give 
you ail due acknowledgment. 

Lunatic. I have, replied he abruptly, a great deal of busi- 
ness among statesmen, to drive people to their levees, which 
they dearly love to have crowded, and which never could be 
without my assistance, For who would attend the levee of 
my lord Superbo, or of his grace the duke of Parkland, un- 
less he first turned fool ] Would any man feed on the prom- 
ise of a courtier, if he were not mad ? The dinner of the 
cameleon is as weighty as the promise of the greatest states- 
man, were it even confirmed by a smile of the countenance 
and a grasp of the hand ; for it all means no more than " I 
am glad to see you thicken my levee." There is never a 
levee day but I am obliged to bestir myself to drive the fools 
together. 

If the premier, or the head man of any department, finds 
himself on the decline, and that he shall, without some good 
assistance, be obliged to resign ; that is, be turned out of 
his place ; I am beseeched to procure some verbose, intrepid 
scribbler, to cry up his abilities and proceedings, as much 
superior to those of all his predecessors, for time immemo- 
rial. But a man must first be reduced to a state of lunacy, 
before he will venture on a work so difficult, and which is 
likely to be but very ill rewarded. In the first place, he is 
likely to have truth and fact to overturn, before the end can 
be obtained ; and these, you know, are stubborn and obsti- 
nate. In the second place, if he is happy enough to suc- 
cedd, and sets down his patron firmly in his chair again, he 
is soon made to understand that his service has done him 
little or no good ; he is tlianked for his good intention ; but 
is given to know, that things would have been just as they 
are, if no defence at all had been made. If his patron is 
turned out, the scribbler is blamed for having omitted some- 
thing which might have been of service, instead of being 
rewarded for what he has done. So that, at all events, he 
must come ofi"* loser ; and therefore none but a madman will 
venture on the undertaking. 

The lawyers also would, but for my influences, be obliged 
to drive teams, or follow plows ; for who but madmen would 



or DEVILS. 



279 



ever find them employment 1 But in consequence of their 
firm attachment to our government, I persuade some to ex- 
pose themselves, by slowness of payment of their just debts, 
to the fangs of the lawyers ; others, to quarrel about trifles, 
and refer the matters to them for decision. Sometimes I 
advise a father to leave his daughter under the guardianship 
of an attorney, or an uncle to leave his estate to his miinor 
nephew, under the care and inspection of a counsellor; 
either of which is likely to be a lucrative job to the gentle- 
men of the law. You know very well, continued he, that 
none but madmen will ever refer their difierences to the 
decision of those gentlemen, w^hilst there are three honest 
men to be met with in the nation ; nor w^ill any mian in his 
right mind, ever leave an attorney executor to his will. 

There are abundance of people, who live above their 
revenues, and others still, who have abundance, but dare 
not make use of it, dare scarcely allow themselves the com- 
mon necessaries of life, for fear of future poverty. I have 
known a lady of sixty, possessed of two or three thousand 
pounds per annum, actually afraid of dying for want. Those 
gentry are all under my dominion. Besides, a very great 
share of my influence rests on many others, v/ho are griev- 
ously oppressed with troubles that never happen. Some are 
so rem.arkably ingenious, as to apprehend difficulties for 
themselves and oUspring, for a great many years to come, 
as if the evil of the day were not sufficient of itself 

Stop, Lunatio, said I, there you touch me sensibly. I will 
not thus oive up my careful subjects. True, replied he, but 
you and I m>ay play into one another's hands. And, although 
I allow them to be yours, it is easy to see abundance of m.ad- 
ness in their disposition and conduct. What wisdom, I pray 
you, is there in any m.an's burdening himself to-day, with 
v/hat may or may not happen a twelvemonth hence ] Less 
still, in pretending to foresee Vv^hat may happen in future ; 
seeing all future events are locked up in the council of the 
eternal mind. 

There are people of property, w^ho sink their rents, fell 
their tim.ber, mortgage their estates, in giving grand enter- 
tainments to hungry visitants and hangers-on, after the ex- 
ample of Timon of Athens, in order to be thought generous 
and great. Not once considering, that the nearest way to 
esteem is still to preserve the golden cord in the hands of 



280 



DIALOGUES 



tlie owner. Let all be once spent, the insatiable hangers- 
on, who crowd the plenteous table, v/ill drop off like leaves 
in autumn ; and if the wretch retains the loving regard of 
Argus his dog, he must expect no more. Away with the 
fool to Bedlam ! He ought to go no longer without shackles. 

Parents there are, so dotingly fond of their children, that 
they strip themselves of their possessions, in order to make 
them respectable in the world, long enough before their own 
lives are at a period ; leaving their future support to the 
good-nature and mercy of the dear boy or girl, who, it is 
thought, are so well disposed as to be incapable of ingrati- 
tude to those v/ho gave them being. But, let the dear boy 
or girl once get the parents' estate into their power, and they 
will give them occasion enough to lament their folly, when 
every shilling received shall come with a very intelligible 
frown. The language of which, to the parent, is, " I wish 
you were once in your grave." Such parents ought to be 
provided for at the public expense, and kept in some place 
of confinement, like other lunatics. 

Other parents, to avoid falling into an error which they 
foresee may be productive of great personal inconvenience, 
with an equal degree of rnadness flee into the opposite ex- 
treme. They can find in their hearts to part with nothing 
whilst they live; they will find some plausible pretext or 
other, for which they will retain the sole possession of their 
goods and chattels ; rather than give a suitable measure of 
parental assistance, will suffer the young people to begin 
the world under all possible disadvantages. Send such pa- 
rents to Newgate, I say ; for they are worse than mad ! 

You do me injustice again, Avaro, in claiming the sole 
power to yourself, over parents, who will oppress their ser- 
vants, overreach their neighbors, grind the faces of the poor, 
and sell their souls to the devil, in order to procure fortunes 
for their children. This is so far from answering the end 
proposed, in gaining the love and efc;teem of the young peo- 
ple, that it has quite a contrary tendency. The greater the 
estate, the more impatient will the heir apparent be, to be 
put into quiet possession for himself The more there is 
depending upon the death of a parent, the more eager will 
children be to have him out of the way. So eager have some 
been, that they have been obliged to use violence, in order 
to get the cumbersome old man out of the world. Deliver 



OF DEVILS. 



281 



them up to me, Avaro, for they are all the children of madness. 
And yet Lunatio is deemed a foolish devil, and a son of idle- 
ness. 

You are very prone to ascribe to chance or accident, and 
other such chimerical gentry, works, the honor of which is 
due only to myself Ay, you are apt to conclude that there 
is even madness in religion. Pride and covetousness may 
prevail ever so ; but you never think of madness. What 
less than madness is it to worship a wooden Savior, or a Je- 
sus Christ of man's making ] To adore a god that has been 
baked in an oven ; or to pretend to eat the Deity ] I could 
open such a field before you, as v/ould m.ake you wonder at 
the boundings of religious madness. 

Go with me to the chambers of the sick, and see the 
works of madness there performed. That lady having over- 
eaten herself at dinner, finding her stomach uneasy, took a 
glass of brandy to help digestion, after that another, &c. 
until she is now very ill upon it. The physician is sent for, 
and, after feeling her pulse, asks her a pertinent question or 
two, as. Do you feel an uneasiness at your stomach, madam ? 
Does your head ache, madam ] Have you a thirst upon you, 
madam ] You were taken ill after dinner, were you, madam] 
He prescribes a gentle purgative draught or two, to assist 
nature to throw off her load, after having thus learned the 
cause of her disorder. Nov»' there is an instance of a three- 
fold madness for you. In the first place, although the food 
was rich and delicious, it Vv^as madness to eat after nature 
said it was enough. Secondly, it was madness to pour such 
a quantity of strong liquor into a stomach already glutted. 
And, thirdly, it v/as madness to send for a physician, seeing 
she would be well enough by to-morrow noon, by which 
time nature, unassisted, might have struggled from beneath 
its burthen. Shall I never have due honor paid to my ope- 
rations ] 

This other v/oman before you, is indeed in a dangerous 
fever; but she will have no assistance. It is only a deep 
cold she has caught, and she liopes to get better in a day or 
two, with care and keeping warm. By and by, when the 
symptoms of death are actually upon her, the physician must 
be sent for in all haste. And when the fever alone is more 
than nature can sustain, she must have the additional tor- 
ment \ 6 vallowing medicines, even without a popsibility 
Y 2 



28.2 



DIALOGUES 



of their being of the least service. Is there no madness in 
this case 1 Is it not madness to trifle with a disease in its 
beginning, the only time, perhaps, in which medicine can 
aftbrd relief ] Is it not equally madness to torment the sick, 
and throw money away upon the doctor, when the disease 
is evidently beyond a remedy] And yet you would ex- 
clude me from having any share in the government of m.an- 
kind. 

No, Lunatio, returned I, w^e do not exclude you. We 
should even be glad to have a full account of your opera- 
tions in some of our friendly meetiugs. 

Lunatic. I could give you such an account as would 
surprise you all, might the honors due to my operations be > 
properly acknowledged. But I cannot stay now, having ur- 
gent business in the west end of a certain metropolis. 

Pray, cousin, may a brother fiend be acquainted with iti 
mid I. He replied. You know, that almost the one half of 
the nation is in a starving condition, and are, as it were, on 
the tip-toe of rebellion, yet are in a very great strait how to 
act. They think it is hard to famish amidst plenty ; to die 
of hunger Vv^hilst the barns are full of corn, and the pastures 
a,re v^^eli peopled W'itli cattle ; whilst their governors can af- 
ford to spend thousands at a horse race, or in an eveniRg's 
play. On the other hand, they think it hard to be shot at, 
by those who are murderers by profession ; or to be hung at 
Tyburn for seeking to procure bread for their families. 

In this dilemma, the poor wretches are raising their 
voices to goverriraent, beseeching their lawgivers to spare 
so much time fron) their own pleasure and amusement as to 
take their wretched case into serious consideration, that 
they may not die by artificial famine. What I aim at is, to 
persuade those in power to treat their complaints with neg- 
lect, and themselves, as clamorous, uneasy, and turbulent 
people. Instead of redressing their grievances, to threaten 
them with the strict execution of the laws against rioters. 
If I am happy enough to gain this point, as I think I shall, j 
Vv^e shall soon see the spirit of madness raving ail over the 
nation, and even the wise will become fools. 

Oppression, you know, will make even a wise man mad, ; 
Therefore, when their oppressions can no longer be borne, 
there will go forth a spirit of insurrection among the people ; 
^nd that shall be followed by a spirit of murder, until all the , 




OF DEVILS. 



283 



riots are sufficiently quelled, and the leading insurgents 
punished by death or transportation. Then will follow a 
spirit of emigration, and every one, almost, will wish him- 
self to have been transported at the expense of government. 
At this very time, there are not less than five hundred thou- 
sand families, who are kept in their native country, by no- 
thing but the want of means to get cleverly out of it. Neigh- 
boring nations will give all possible encouragement to the 
poor to settle with them ; every opportunity will be taken 
to cross the Atlantic, until the nation referred to, shall be- 
come almost if not quite depopulated. 

Now, the madness of the scheme lies here. The true 
riches of a nation are its inhabitants ; and the grandeur of 
the great depends v/holly on the number of those in inferior 
stations. In proportion, therefore, to the oppressions of 
the poor, will the nation decrease in its strength. Every 
emigration from the mother country, will either increase 
the number of colonists, or strengthen the hands of natural 
enemies; of course, the neglect of the present complaints, 
will eventually be the entire ruin of the great men them- 
selves, and the translation of the empire to another, and 
very distant seat. Yet, after all, perhaps it will be alleged, 
that Lunatio hath no influence. But I shall raise myself 
an immortal nam.e, upon my own foundation. I deign no 
more converse with a grovelling spirit. Adieu. 

Infidelis. This sam.e Lunatio is a spirit active enough, 
and we give him due respect ; but he is, like all his disci- 
ples, fixed in his own views, and there is no giving him 
proper ideas of things. I should be glad, Fastosus, to hear 
more fully what you vv^ere saying last night concerning the 
Sadducees. It might be informing to these younger devils. 

Fastosus. You know, sir, they were a sect of deists, 
among' the Jews, Vv^ho, like the modern deists, did not be- 
lieve, that there are any angels, good or bad, or shall be 
any resurrection from the dead. I did not only persuade 
the scribes, pharisees, and doctors of the law, to lay aside 
judgment, mercy, and the love of God, in order to establish 
their own traditions ; but wrought upon the Sadducees to 
prefer their own reasoning to the plainest declarations of 
the word of revelation. I assured them, that the well-in- 
formed author of the book of Job, was under a delusion, 
when he said, by the Holy Ghost, " I know that my Re* 



284 



DIALOGUES 



deemer liveth, and that T shall stand with him at the latter 
day upon the earth ; and although after my skin, worms de- 
stroy this body, yet in the flesh I shall see God." 1 per* 
suaded them also, that the prophet Isaiah was under the 
like mistake, when he foretold, that death shall be swallow- 
ed up in victory ; as also Daniel, w^ho asserted, " that many, 
who then slept in the dust, shall awake, some to everlasting 
life, and some to everlastmg dishonor." These, together 
with the testimonies of all the prophets, I persuaded them 
to reject, merely because they could not comprehend them, 
nor account for it how the dead should rise. This, you 
know, is the very reason why modern deists are pleased, 
under the same influence, to deny the whole system of re- 
vealed truth. 

DiscoRDAKS. I have often feasted my mind on the pleas- 
ing prospect of that amazement and surprise, which shall 
overtake those infidels, when the avenues of immortality 
shall open before them, and the terrors of an incarnate, a 
despised God and Savior, shall overwhelm them in the 
floods of horrid despair. Their pretended virtue, their phi- 
losophic fortitude, their boasted reason, will fail them, when 
they see, to their everlastmg confusion, tha^t he who de- 
spiseth the Son, despiseth also the Father who sent him. 

Fastosus. The deist is my faithful, deluded disciple. 
Wherever you meet with a man of deistical principles, you 
Vv^ill easily discern m.y image at large on his forehead, and 
my mark on his right hand. Nothing but pride can induce 
a man to prefer his own reason to the dictates of sacred 
revelation. 

Fastosus here stopped, seemed in a terrible agitation, and 
thus addressed his brethren : Let us flee, my friends ! Let 
us flee ! For yonder comes Michael, the archangel, and 
with him a numerous train, with whom we are not able to 
contend. They instantly took wing, shot through the yield- 
ing air, and I saw them no miore. Nor am I certain if I 
shall ever have an opportunity of listening to their friendly 
conferences again : but if I should, as is not impossible, 
the public may expect to hear what passes among them, so 
fer as may come to the knowledge of a sincere friend of 
mankind, 

THE LISI^ENER. 

F I N I 



I I' 



of 



